Goodbye Posted April 18, 2013 Share Posted April 18, 2013 "I need space." "I need a break to figure things out." Has anyone heard these words from his/her affair partner and they actually meant just that? That they needed time to think? Or, is it always as I assume (I'm jaded)...that this is code for "Goodbye, I'm too spineless to tell you its over and I hope that by not talking to you for a few months you'll forget I exist." Have any of you heard a version of these words and actually had your AP return? Don't worry...I'm not really holding out hope. I've just been thinking, thinking, thinking. Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted April 18, 2013 Share Posted April 18, 2013 Nope. He never said anything of the sort. I had an ex-boyfriend though who did say something along those lines....we never did get back together and I have no regrets about that. Link to post Share on other sites
AnotherRound Posted April 18, 2013 Share Posted April 18, 2013 Thinking is processing - not a bad thing! I actually never heard this from my exMM - but I said it TO him a lot of different times. I really did just need space to get my bearings - I needed to figure out what was already on my plate without adding any more to it at the time. Once I got it cleared, then I could handle more - but those were times I was just at my limit with whatever. Has your MM been honest with you? If he has - then he probably really does just need some space. These are messy and complicated situations - from which we all need a breather from once in a while to simply reassess, imo. Then again, as much as you don't want to accept it, it MAY be a cop out. Some people do that - just fall off the face of the earth and hope that the other person gets it. I think these people do this so that they can always come back - no idea if this is your MM or not, but I demand closure. Let's say it's over and close that door - even if the other person is trying to ride the fence - I close the door for them. You don't need him to close the door if you want it closed. You know him better than anyone else on this board does - what do you think? Is he being sincere? And, does it really matter at this point? I mean - how willing are you to give him space if that's what he truly wants/needs? What you want matters too - I wouldn't let him make all the decisions - it's both of your relationship - not just his. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Wellington Posted April 18, 2013 Share Posted April 18, 2013 Not those exact words but along those lines. We have been going for two years. Had many attempts at NC that we both broke. This latest was thrust on me after he started talking about leaving his wife. I didn't put any pressure on him, I was merely an ear and didn't offer ANY opinion. His last words were the along the same lines as yours along with a please don't go away, I'll be back. Sooooo, I dunno. NC has been broken so many times but I agree "riding the fence" bites. It has been a month now and really, I don't care anymore. I wish him well. Link to post Share on other sites
crederer Posted April 18, 2013 Share Posted April 18, 2013 It could mean so many things. In addition to what has already been said, it could mean his wife is onto him and he doesn't want to get caught (I know what you're thinking, his wife already knows. Yeah, right). It could mean he's trying to patch things up with his wife and he doesn't want you to know that in case the patching up doesn't work out and you're gone. It could mean he's found a hotter piece and doesn't have time to juggle three or four women, but when the other ones are away or unable to meet, he can still have you in his back pocket. In any event, it doesn't sound too great for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Goodbye Posted April 18, 2013 Author Share Posted April 18, 2013 Not those exact words but along those lines. We have been going for two years. Had many attempts at NC that we both broke. This latest was thrust on me after he started talking about leaving his wife. I didn't put any pressure on him, I was merely an ear and didn't offer ANY opinion. His last words were the along the same lines as yours along with a please don't go away, I'll be back. Sooooo, I dunno. NC has been broken so many times but I agree "riding the fence" bites. It has been a month now and really, I don't care anymore. I wish him well. Wellington...it is good that you've gotten to the point of no longer worrying about the NC and are able to wish him well. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Goodbye Posted April 18, 2013 Author Share Posted April 18, 2013 I suspect there is a lot of what both Lady Grey and Crederer say...although I do doubt he has a new OW...I do see it quite possible that he is patching things with the wife and wanting to keep me in reserve. Bleck. Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted April 18, 2013 Share Posted April 18, 2013 "I need space." "I need a break to figure things out." Has anyone heard these words from his/her affair partner and they actually meant just that? That they needed time to think? Or, is it always as I assume (I'm jaded)...that this is code for "Goodbye, I'm too spineless to tell you its over and I hope that by not talking to you for a few months you'll forget I exist." Have any of you heard a version of these words and actually had your AP return? Don't worry...I'm not really holding out hope. I've just been thinking, thinking, thinking. I can't speak for your AP, but yes I did say I needed a break, and it was a not a 'goodbye'. Affairs take a mental toll. I wouldn't read too much into it in regards to your future together. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Goodbye Posted April 19, 2013 Author Share Posted April 19, 2013 I can't speak for your AP, but yes I did say I needed a break, and it was a not a 'goodbye'. Affairs take a mental toll. I wouldn't read too much into it in regards to your future together. They certainly do take their mental toll. Even after they are done. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
georgia girl Posted April 19, 2013 Share Posted April 19, 2013 My husband (when he was my boyfriend) once told me that he wasn't ready for a commitment. That was after a year of dating. I said goodbye and walked away. He was suddenly recanting what he said. It didn't matter... I was done. It took him a few months to earn his way back to a lunch date with me and nearly six months to earn my trust. He asked me to marry him and I actually turned him down. (I eventually said yes.) Sometimes, it means, "I'm overwhelmed. I'm afraid I'm in too deep. I'm looking for the nearest bolthole." But once bolted, the pressure that they genuinely believed was killing them turned out to be nothing more than a male-oriented panic attack. So, my answer is that the ball is in his court. How does he respond from here? Does he chase? And if he does, is he willing to make all of the life changes that chasing will require for you to trust him again? Or does he get a free pass and doesn't have to chase? I want to be clear: I was not playing a game when I walked away. If someone didn't know if they loved me after being together a year, I was not going to allow myself to be vulnerable to him again. I was already hurt and I couldn't see any genuine way of him undoing that. It just didn't seem worth any further investment from me, even though I would have told you then and now that he was the love of my life. He figured it out without a lot of help from me. I am so incredibly grateful that he did that. But it was his motivation to earn my trust, love and respect back. Today, I have the marriage I could have only dreamed about and I am so, so happy that he walked away once. It inspired a level of commitment that we now share that seems incredibly private, personal and unyielding. Take care. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Feb Posted May 1, 2013 Share Posted May 1, 2013 Goodbye -- I heard those very words last week! Two messages in one conversation, "I need some time" and "I need to sort out things at home". Not sure if this meant forever, or what, but I have not heard from him since. xAP and I used to talk at least once a day and text probably at least five times a day. Never have been out of contact for this long. The first two days was heartbreaking and I couldn't sleep or eat, but things are getting better. At this point I've very happy it happened and although I thought it was a cowardly way to end it, I'm just glad it did end. Still think about him though -- can't help it. To give you some context, there was a five minute period where I was distracted enough to NOT think about him, and I was very happy with that progress. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
RickFox Posted May 1, 2013 Share Posted May 1, 2013 The vast vast majority of times when it is said by a male means pretty much, I'm done with you. That doesn't mean he won't come back when he needs some new spice but when I've said it, it means, buh bye. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
SweetBella1 Posted May 1, 2013 Share Posted May 1, 2013 (edited) "I need space." "I need a break to figure things out." Has anyone heard these words from his/her affair partner and they actually meant just that? That they needed time to think? Or, is it always as I assume (I'm jaded)...that this is code for "Goodbye, I'm too spineless to tell you its over and I hope that by not talking to you for a few months you'll forget I exist." Have any of you heard a version of these words and actually had your AP return? Don't worry...I'm not really holding out hope. I've just been thinking, thinking, thinking. Actually, the only thing worse than xMM dumping me over a white lie would have been if he'd eventually wanted to slow things down or take a break from me. (As in, him growing tired of me or if he found someone else.) That would make me feel really bad. I think when people ask for space, or time to think, yes they are pretty much checked out of the relationship. They're just trying to be kind about it. I'm sorry. I know. This sucks!!! Edited May 2, 2013 by SweetBella1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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