Poppy fields Posted April 18, 2013 Posted April 18, 2013 Am I the only one to hold those three labels? Theoretically a man could share them with me if he was OM, BS WH. I have just not seen anything similar to my situation, but I could be missing something. Coincidentily, I am now happily married to a wonderful man who was not a party to any of those past indescretions. So, am I a LS anomaly? If not, anyone want to share with me?
Praying4Peace Posted April 18, 2013 Posted April 18, 2013 I think if you are an OW then you are a WW too? Unless you're single. I guess I'm techically all three as well. All four! BS, WW, OW, MOW.
Author Poppy fields Posted April 18, 2013 Author Posted April 18, 2013 I think if you are an OW then you are a WW too? Unless you're single. I guess I'm techically all three as well. All four! BS, WW, OW, MOW. When I was an OW I was not in any other relationship, so strictly OW. They I was a BS. Then I was a WW. Do you feel all of your experiences have shaped you in a positive way? I have enough time between most of them to answer yes for myself. I learned a lot about me and about how others in relationships operate. It has been a long,strange trip that has led me to a life of blissfull monogamy with my current husband. Weird how I got here, but it has made me who I am today. So, I don't regret the choices. 2
AnotherRound Posted April 18, 2013 Posted April 18, 2013 I have never been a WS - not even without a marriage certificate. I have, however, been a BS and then later an OW. I think it provides me with a unique ability to view both sides of the coin - not that I would suggest it to anyone (either of them!) - but I'm actually glad that I have known both sides personally and intimately. A LOT more made sense to me as a FBS after I became an OW - I needed that side of it to understand my BS side of it better (again, not suggesting it, just stating that for me, it worked well to know both sides and made a lot of things fall into place in my mind that were elusive prior to being an OW). 1
Author Poppy fields Posted April 18, 2013 Author Posted April 18, 2013 By first being an OW prepared me for when I became the BS. I held no ill will towards her ( the OW) because I knew the choice to break the vows was the choice of my husband. She had no loyalty to me. I did not stay in that marriage because I could no longer trust my spouse. I then remarried and became a WW. There were many, many reasons that led up to this. I left the marriage, but not for the OM as he had made it clear his heart was with another. I simply chose to move on alone. Then I met my current husband, and I feel I am in my first adult relationship. lol Not sure I could be this certain or secure if I had not gone through the things I did before. I finally feel settled. 3
Silly_Girl Posted April 18, 2013 Posted April 18, 2013 By first being an OW prepared me for when I became the BS. I held no ill will towards her ( the OW) because I knew the choice to break the vows was the choice of my husband. She had no loyalty to me. That's a view many here find difficult to grasp. That the OW is incidental and not someone to loathe, maybe even blame. Interestingly I was a BS first, and still didn't care a fig for the OW, or think she was culpable in any way. Apart from a) my best friend, and b) my cousin. (My ex was generous with his charm and attention) 2
AnotherRound Posted April 18, 2013 Posted April 18, 2013 By first being an OW prepared me for when I became the BS. I held no ill will towards her ( the OW) because I knew the choice to break the vows was the choice of my husband. She had no loyalty to me. I did not stay in that marriage because I could no longer trust my spouse. I then remarried and became a WW. There were many, many reasons that led up to this. I left the marriage, but not for the OM as he had made it clear his heart was with another. I simply chose to move on alone. Then I met my current husband, and I feel I am in my first adult relationship. lol Not sure I could be this certain or secure if I had not gone through the things I did before. I finally feel settled. I hear you! I am not "settled" as of yet - but honestly, am perfectly okay if this is my life for the rest of it. I'm content - at ease. I was the BW first - and that shattered a LOT of illusions that I had about relationships and marriage. I realized that a lot of what I believed when I went into marriage was WAY off - I was all of 19 when I met my exH - so, I cut myself some slack on that one. But - that process, going through it - being the BW - not only taught me a lot about me - but a lot about life in general, marriage, and relationships. I came out of it with a much more well rounded view of the world's realities - and a lot less fairy tale fantasies. When I first started with exMM - he told me he wasn't married when I asked. It took a few months for me to find out - but in that time, I just didn't requestion him - I took him at his word (again, I wasn't very old and still, even with the experience of being a BW was somewhat naive regarding affairs!) but eventually, I did find out. When I confronted him about it - he came clean immediately and provided his reasons (in his head, he thought it was a good reason - to me it was manipulative, and we discussed this) for not telling me. At that point though - it worked out exactly how he had hoped - that I would be willing to continue as I had already gone that far. Yes, that was ****ty of him - no, I am not still mad (if I was, I would have had to end it with him and move on, and I didn't - so I had to forgive) and no, I didn't think that meant that he would lie forever after. His reasons for not telling me made sense - still do - even if it was selfish. He's not perfect, eh... Anyway - the point is - after that point - where I was a willing participant - in a situation where the wife knew about me before I knew about her - I made my choices. It wasn't because I had been a BS - but because of that experience - I KNEW that there are such things as sexless marriages, and that very unhappy marriages exist (prior to my marriage, I honestly had no idea about the reality of this and how widespread it was) - and that made his situation very easy for me to understand (and he had NO idea about my first marriage as I was in a new state where nobody knew me and I wasn't sharing that history with anyone that he knew). Life is a series of things - and some people get through without learning much. Although learning is the harder way - I prefer it over the other way, the easy way - where I never have to grow, never have to learn, never have to broaden my horizons to what is reality and what is a misconception. Painful? Yep - it sure can be - but in pain comes progress and growth - and I crave that. Without it - I feel stagnant - I get restless - I feel pointless. What is the point of a life that never progresses other than physically towards death???? So, for me - being the BW and being the OW have let me know "secrets" that I wouldn't have known otherwise, and for that I'm grateful. These experiences have allowed me to analyze myself in ways that some people will never even have the chance to - and even if they did, would scare them to death and they would avoid it all costs. I embraced these experiences for what they taught me - and have learned my lessons (not the lessons some think I should have learned, but lessons that are pertinent to my growth). I have said a million times before - I wouldn't go back and change my life - every single experience and decision and choice has brought me here to where I am. And here? I am content, I am at ease - I am happy and fulfilled and secure and confident in who I am and what I stand for and what I want and what I allow. I KNOW myself well - intimately. I accept myself with all of my human-ness - all of my flaws and faults and strengths and weaknesses - I am a glorious human in all my imperfection with a thousand layers and nooks an crannies - one of a kind. And the only way I learned this was by having the experiences that I have had - each and every one, including being a BW and being an OW. 3
ComingInHot Posted April 18, 2013 Posted April 18, 2013 poppy fields, You've been a busy young lady haven't you?! Lol! And look where you at now. You wrote " Then I met my current husband, and I feel I am in my first adult relationship. lol Not sure I could be this certain or secure if I had not gone through the things I did before. I finally feel settled." Very cool* Try not to repeat past mistakes and enjoy the ride!
Author Poppy fields Posted April 18, 2013 Author Posted April 18, 2013 poppy fields, You've been a busy young lady haven't you?! Lol! And look where you at now. You wrote " Then I met my current husband, and I feel I am in my first adult relationship. lol Not sure I could be this certain or secure if I had not gone through the things I did before. I finally feel settled." Very cool* Try not to repeat past mistakes and enjoy the ride! This all happened over the course of twenty years. I am proud of where I am, and of who I have become. Even though I had to go through a lot of peaks and valleys to get here. 1
Got it Posted April 18, 2013 Posted April 18, 2013 I was a WW and then a OW (I divorced). As far as I am aware I was not a BS in my marriage. While I haven't worn as many hats as others I have learned a lot from this experience and have much stronger boundaries because of it. I have also learned to hold myself far more accountable for my thoughts and actions than I did prior. It was a very humbling experience to say the least and I really had some of my biggest growing moments in the last few years tied to it. 1
threelaurels Posted April 18, 2013 Posted April 18, 2013 Am I the only one to hold those three labels? Theoretically a man could share them with me if he was OM, BS WH. I have just not seen anything similar to my situation, but I could be missing something. Coincidentily, I am now happily married to a wonderful man who was not a party to any of those past indescretions. So, am I a LS anomaly? If not, anyone want to share with me? I am a BGf and a WGf. I am still in a relationship with my fOM. I have never been an OW, but I don't think you're alone. Infidelity seems to be common in society, and I know many OWs who post here have also been BWs at some point.
AnotherRound Posted April 18, 2013 Posted April 18, 2013 Been a BS, WS and OW. Have held the same moral view throughout. Mine changed throughout my two different roles. It was a strange process - it was like I had to rebuild myself - if that makes any sense? I just had so many illusions about marriage and relationships - and they were ALL shattered violently. I sometimes look back and it feels like I was living in a dream world UNTIL my exH had an affair. Like, I had to rethink everything I knew, relearn everything I had learned about relationships. I had divorced parents, but my Gparents were together, happily, for 50 years. They raised me and that was what I thought marriage was. I had NO idea that their marriage was the rarity, not the "norm". Learning that did pull the rug out from under me for a time - but it also made me have a LOT more respect for them and what they had accomplished in their marriage. No, it wasn't perfect for them - but man, they made marriage their beyotch! Prior to my exH's affair - I thought that any woman who was involved with a "taken" man was trash. But, I knew exHs OW (since childhood) and I KNEW she wasn't trash. She was just a regular girl. So, I had to rethink things - I couldn't just hang onto that unrealistic view. Which made me accept some hard truths - sometimes, marriages just don't work. Sometimes, we marry the wrong people for us. Sometimes, a relationship just doesn't have what it takes to make it, no matter how hard both people try. That was hard to learn - it makes the world a MUCH scarier place - but I'm glad that I am living honestly now. That I know the score - that I can't be blindsided again. At least that! 2
ladydesigner Posted April 18, 2013 Posted April 18, 2013 I first became a BS then a MOW, now fMOW, and now a BS again. I am hoping to become fBS and keep the Mrs. but who knows. 2
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