neenoonanoo Posted April 17, 2013 Posted April 17, 2013 So here's my story, it may be a long one. I have never posted on a forum or anything of the like before but I've found myself hopelessly googling my relationship problems and reading a lot of these threads. Who knows maybe it will be therapeutic just to get it out there. First of all let me just say that I have always been the "leaver". I have never been broken up with before, I have never had a guy I've been with not think the sun shined out of my ass. I've never had to work for my relationships, they essentially just fall into my lap. (Also, I'm a very busy very very ambitious little lady so convenience has always been key for me.) Then after a few months I get bored and I move on. I had just moved to a new town, and broken up with my previous boyfriend who lived with me. I was still kinda sorta sleeping with him (apparently leading him to believe we were still together, whoops.) I had started a new job that I really liked and had met some really great people. My two really good guy friends had a roommate who they said was single and I would get along with fantastically. I was skeptical because I wanted to be single for awhile, and he had more than a few things in common with my ex (superficial things: beard, occupation, tendency to wear flip flops). Well they invite him to my birthday party and the second he walks into the bar I knew I had to have him. (But In my birthday-booze mind it was just for the night.) We had a blast, and he ended up driving me home and then to my surprise didn't even try to make a move. We started hanging out, never by ourselves always with our group of mutual friends and I started to really really get interested. He had everything in my mind at the time that I wanted. Exactly my type physically, great taste in music and movies, just the right amount of nerdy without losing his manliness. After a few months of flirting (I know....months?! Like I said, busy girl.) One night he came over with his friends but stayed after they left and we sat on my couch talking for LITERALLY 12 hours. No funny business though, at this point I was starting to wonder if he was gay. After that we started texting back and forth everyday, I had mentioned I wanted to see a certain movie, he bought it and asked me if I wanted to watch it with him. He kissed me and that was that. A little background on him, He had not very recently gotten out of a pretty atrocious loooong term relationship. The girl moved in with him after about 2 weeks of dating. Long story short, they broke up years later after he had cosigned a few loans for her and she stopped paying them and ruined his credit. He brought her up from time to time, always in a bad light. One day she texted him asking him if they could talk about her paying him back and then never contacted him after that and he was in a mood for days. I know that he doesn't still have feelings for her but it bothered me that she still had that kind of power over him. This may come into play later in the story. So, we were together and things were awesome. A couple weeks after the whole thing started he went back to his hometown for a month, we talked the whole time and as soon as we got back we were inseperable. When we weren't at work or school we were with each other, it was the most completely natural thing in the world. Usually I get extremely sick of people after seeing them too much, but I never didn't want to be around him. He would call me immediately after he got out of work. The sex was out of this effing. world. He told me multiple times that I was the best he'd ever had, sex was boring to him before he met me. Our friends pretty much saw me as their other roommate. I even introduced this guy to my mom, which I had never done before. We won't concentrate on the good stuff because if it was all good stuff obviously I wouldn't be sitting here putting off a very important homework assignment to post my ridiculous relationship problem on the stupid internet. Despite us being together constantly he never referred to me as his girlfriend. Everyone else did, and if they did in front of him he never corrected them but in 4 months those words never came out of his mouth. Were both very far from the sentimental type, and I'm an admitted commitment-phobe so I was fine with this for awhile. Also, he had a seasonal job in a neighboring town, about an hour away lined up for the summer. I was bummed because I knew I wouldn't be able to see him as much whenever he started. The day he went to go talk to his bosses at said job to get everything lined up pay wise and what not, he invited me with him for a day trip. He used to live there so we went out and about, took me to his favorite old lunch place, showed me the sights, and we drove around to look at where he used to live. Then we drove by him and his ex's house. That night when we got back to my house out of nowhere he tells me (WHILE IM COOKING HIS ASS DINNER, BY THE WAY.) he is unsure where the relationship is going. He likes me, he likes spending time with me, I'm an amazing girl. But he just doesn't know what to do. He needs a few days and some space and time to think. I am floored. I may have gotten a little dramatic (there may have been some Claire-Danes ugly crying) but I mean, when I say this is out of nowhere I mean this is wayyyyy out of nowhere. I was thinking I had just had a fantastic day with this guy and apparently he's thinking he doesn't want to see me anymore? This was over a month ago. We've spoken a few times on the phone since then, most of which he contacted me. Everytime atleast an hour or so but nothing about the state of us. Mostly life and what not. He never told his friends what happened, they still talked to me about him until they kind of realized something was up because I hadn't been over there. Then last week I texted him something funny I had found and he asked if I wanted to hang out. I went over to his place, drank some beers, stayed there a few hours then went home but texted him that it was good to see him. He replied it was really good to see me too, he would be off work the next few days if I wanted to hang out. A few days later I texted him to see if he wanted to go get beers. He did. It was like nothing changed, we went out he came home with me. No sex, but we cuddled all night like we used to which he initiated and we fooled around when we woke up which he also initiated. It was light and playful and fun, we spent the whole next day together and I slept at his house that night. Then the next morning his boss called him and said he had a job in 2 hours, so he had to leave. He was a little stand-offish because he had hurt his wrist the day before and didn't kiss me before he left. So that's where I am now. Absolutely and utterly perplexed. Like I said I have NEVER been dumped before so I don't know if this absurd sense of longing is just because it's something I cant have or if I really like the guy. Or if he ever liked me to begin with, maybe I was just something to do until he got his job back. Or if he did he's just too scared to jump into something because of what happened before and just as confused as I am. Or if I should just let it go and move on. Or if I can emotionally handle him just being an every now and then thing in my life. It doesn't help that I am the most over thinking and analytical person in the world, and it also doesn't help that this whole actually having real feelings for someone thing is completely unchartered territory for me. Sorry I just unloaded my life story. Whether or not I get anything worthwhile out of this, it was certaintly nice to get that out.
todreaminblue Posted April 17, 2013 Posted April 17, 2013 Honestly all you can do is give him time, if you really care about him, sounds hard and sounds like he has a few issues to deal with......when people get together its always sweet,spending time, getting to know that person, and no matter how in tune you are together you have to know it doesnt mean its going to work just because you love the same things...you just have to be patient and if it doesnt work out you let it go........i analyze cant help it its just me......ocd is more my style actually extremely analyzing about motivation and behavior....but i know when i have to control it.....when it doesnt make me feel good about myself or others.....if it does make me feel good its normally passionate in nature and i let my passion reign supreme....as long as it doesnt hurt anyone or cause people to feel uncomfortable ...it is good......"and i let my heart decide"......groan.......lol.....thats from a really cheesy disney song....ahem....gotta luv it though.... just give it time and patience be honest with what you feel and be open and honest with him.....problems are so easy to sort out when you are open and honest...and when you follow your heart with a little dash of logic thrown in..best wishes....deb
KatZee Posted April 18, 2013 Posted April 18, 2013 First of all let me just say that I have always been the "leaver". I have never had a guy I've been with not think the sun shined out of my ass... Then after a few months I get bored and I move on. I had just moved to a new town, and broken up with my previous boyfriend who lived with me. I was still kinda sorta sleeping with him (apparently leading him to believe we were still together, whoops.) It's quite intriguing and interesting to me to see how things come around and then go around. Are people toys to you? I'm asking this in all honesty. 1
Author neenoonanoo Posted April 18, 2013 Author Posted April 18, 2013 It's quite intriguing and interesting to me to see how things come around and then go around. Are people toys to you? I'm asking this in all honesty. I wouldn't put it that way, I was raised in a lifestyle where I moved around. A lot. I just find it really easy to emotionally detach myself from people. Atleast until now. Believe me, I have definitely toyed (no pun intended) with the idea that this is truly just kharma coming around to bite me square in the ass.
KatZee Posted April 18, 2013 Posted April 18, 2013 I wouldn't put it that way, I was raised in a lifestyle where I moved around. A lot. I just find it really easy to emotionally detach myself from people. Atleast until now. Believe me, I have definitely toyed (no pun intended) with the idea that this is truly just kharma coming around to bite me square in the ass. Well, I do truly believe that we receive what we put out into the universe. It's happened to me as well.
Dragi3169 Posted April 18, 2013 Posted April 18, 2013 I wouldn't put it that way, I was raised in a lifestyle where I moved around. A lot. I just find it really easy to emotionally detach myself from people. Atleast until now. Believe me, I have definitely toyed (no pun intended) with the idea that this is truly just kharma coming around to bite me square in the ass. You remind me of my Ex she doesn't get emotionally attached to anything and she started slowly getting attached to me but she broke it off cause she was scared where it was going. My question for you is why don't people like you and my Ex get attached is it cause deep down your scared you'll lose this person?
Author neenoonanoo Posted April 18, 2013 Author Posted April 18, 2013 Yes Empathy hopefully adds to character I don't particularly think there's anything wrong with my character, and I'm not sure that I appreciate the implication that there is.
itto ogami Posted April 18, 2013 Posted April 18, 2013 The only implication is that you seem rather proud that you have never been the dumped, and you're reacting to being rejected so strongly because you've had this "control" all your life. You're wise enough to consider the concept of Karma....
Echo000 Posted April 18, 2013 Posted April 18, 2013 I don't particularly think there's anything wrong with my character, and I'm not sure that I appreciate the implication that there is. haha yea you seem a bit proud of the fact that you break guys hearts and dont feel emotionally attached yourself. so dont be surprised if people question your character.
darkmoon Posted April 18, 2013 Posted April 18, 2013 (edited) you wrote..."Despite us being together constantly he never referred to me as his girlfriend. Everyone else did, and if they did in front of him he never corrected them but in 4 months those words never came out of his mouth. Were both very far from the sentimental type, and I'm an admitted commitment-phobe so I was fine with this for awhile" ....and...."Or if I can emotionally handle him just being an every now and then thing in my life" committmentphobe? i think you're saying you try not to be sentimental, but can't handle the emotions try to and end up upset in the process, a committmentphobe would not write such a long post full of distress, sorry, but your entire post, not just the first quote above, is what/how a hurt girlfriend writes, a committmentphobe would not care like you do Edited April 18, 2013 by darkmoon
SalientPoint Posted April 18, 2013 Posted April 18, 2013 Ok, so swear to God I'm not being rude here, because I have many very very good friends that are in your situation, and in rare instances I am too, so I feel I can maybe shed some light on this. Basically yes, you seem (again I don't really know you, so of course I'm talking out of my butt atm) to want what you can't have, and assuming you're younger than 35 (cause most people are on this site) by most of society it's still considered a challenge to think the way you described. He really just seems like he either figured you out before you caught on to him, cause maybe he's really people smart and empathetic and felt/knew he probably couldn't get a solid relationship out of you and moved on, or you just met the rare guy that didn't fall for what you had to offer. I'm gay, so a lot of times guys are drawn to me because they can sense I'm not sending off " I want to be in a relationship or date you!!!" vibes, and I don't look like a lesbian, so they're really into the challenge of hitting on me and not getting a reaction, and it's worked beyond what a lot of straight women would imagine just based on a subconcious level of being very friendly and nice but being subconciously very disinterested in any intimacy, guys really are drawn to that. I'd either just communicate with him straight up and see what's going on, or re-align my relationship expectations. I think if you lay it down on the line and open up to him, you may very well get all your questions answered in a relatively painless fashion. You just have to be willing to take the risk. If not, then I guess unfortunately it's a lesson a lot of us face that sometimes we date people in life that just don't share our level of passion/committment. That of course doesn't make it any less painful, it will ALWAYS suck, but if you know that dating is a crap shoot sometimes, it does have a very negligible effect of cushioning the blow 1
siankat Posted April 18, 2013 Posted April 18, 2013 I don't particularly think there's anything wrong with my character, and I'm not sure that I appreciate the implication that there is. I said adds to, not builds from scratch. We can all build on our character.
Simon Phoenix Posted April 18, 2013 Posted April 18, 2013 I don't particularly think there's anything wrong with my character, and I'm not sure that I appreciate the implication that there is. I can see where posters are coming from because you did come off as awfully arrogant in the beginning of your OP. Not saying you are, but your post definitely had a "look at me, I'm cool and people want me" vibe. That being said, you have two plays. One is to be direct and tell him what you want and put your cards on the table and prepare to possibly be rejected. If you are rejected, then you need to go NC for a while to resettle and get your wits about you. The other is to become unavailable and show him what he's missing. Right now your little cuddle sessions and hour-long conversations give him a safety blanket. You aren't a challenge, you are just there for his convenience and doing that isn't exactly helping you. Best of luck. Either way, maybe this "karma" will make you more cognizant of taking people for granted and a lot less flippant about the feelings of others.
Author neenoonanoo Posted April 18, 2013 Author Posted April 18, 2013 You remind me of my Ex she doesn't get emotionally attached to anything and she started slowly getting attached to me but she broke it off cause she was scared where it was going. My question for you is why don't people like you and my Ex get attached is it cause deep down your scared you'll lose this person? Probably, I know I personally have some deep-seated daddy abandonment issues that I should probably work out. If I do start to care I automatically start finding things wrong with someone as an escape route. But atleast up until this guy, I just can not for the life of me emotionally attach myself to anyone. It's a very scary idea for some of us, it's easier to put up walls and be the disinterested one. Also, atleast for females it seems like, the less you care the more THEY care. It's such a strange dynamic. So I suppose the answer to your question would be yes. People who find it difficult to give their emotions over to someone are deep down big ole Nancies that are protecting themselves from (further?) rejection and heartbreak.
Author neenoonanoo Posted April 18, 2013 Author Posted April 18, 2013 The only implication is that you seem rather proud that you have never been the dumped, and you're reacting to being rejected so strongly because you've had this "control" all your life. You're wise enough to consider the concept of Karma.... I'm not proud, and the last thing I wanted to sound like was some pompous girl parading this trail of broken hearts in my wake (upon a second read it does sound a little like that though.) I was trying to give a little background info. Ugh I swear I'm not a huge man eating bitch.
Author neenoonanoo Posted April 18, 2013 Author Posted April 18, 2013 you wrote..."Despite us being together constantly he never referred to me as his girlfriend. Everyone else did, and if they did in front of him he never corrected them but in 4 months those words never came out of his mouth. Were both very far from the sentimental type, and I'm an admitted commitment-phobe so I was fine with this for awhile" ....and...."Or if I can emotionally handle him just being an every now and then thing in my life" committmentphobe? i think you're saying you try not to be sentimental, but can't handle the emotions try to and end up upset in the process, a committmentphobe would not write such a long post full of distress, sorry, but your entire post, not just the first quote above, is what/how a hurt girlfriend writes, a committmentphobe would not care like you do I realize this, I'm just so used to being the strong-independent-dont-need-anybody type that all of these feelings are mind boggling to me. Which is part of the reason for this long distressful post. I just can't make sense of what's going on, what I'm feeling, what I should be doing, what I SHOULD be feeling. Bad bitch me wants to tell him to kick rocks down the road, but then I think maybe if I feel this way about someone I should be a little more respectful of their own feelings.
Author neenoonanoo Posted April 18, 2013 Author Posted April 18, 2013 I can see where posters are coming from because you did come off as awfully arrogant in the beginning of your OP. Not saying you are, but your post definitely had a "look at me, I'm cool and people want me" vibe. That being said, you have two plays. One is to be direct and tell him what you want and put your cards on the table and prepare to possibly be rejected. If you are rejected, then you need to go NC for a while to resettle and get your wits about you. The other is to become unavailable and show him what he's missing. Right now your little cuddle sessions and hour-long conversations give him a safety blanket. You aren't a challenge, you are just there for his convenience and doing that isn't exactly helping you. Best of luck. Either way, maybe this "karma" will make you more cognizant of taking people for granted and a lot less flippant about the feelings of others. As I noted to a previous reply, sounding arrogant was definitely not my intention. And I'm sorry to have come off that way because I am totally not this gigantic babe magnet that has to fight off the beautiful man things with a stick daily. I just end up with guys that are wayyyyy more into me than I am them, I just wanted the fact that this is my first time dealing with being rejected by someone I have feelings for to be clear so as to understand where I'm coming from a little better, not to seem like a vindictive soulless bitch. It could have probably been worded a little better. Either way, I think you hit the nail square on the head with that advice which is probably the best I've gotten. Thanks!
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