truthbetold Posted April 17, 2013 Posted April 17, 2013 I need some tools for my coping backpack! Usually I can handle toxic situations by just staying away or ignoring. However this work situation is growing worse. I work in a small office about 9 or 10 of us. The ringleader is the coordinator. She leads a depressive life. She used to be married to a high profile person. She is widowed and now lives not as grand. She makes fake phone calls and dreams up crazy dinner parties that she's hosting. Me and another know it's fake, but the 4 others lap it up. The 3 others also lead unfulfilled lives evidenced by their on going bitch fests, either their crappy lives and/or boyfriends. (these are all older women 45 +) The position I have was held by 3 others and they were run out in 2 years time (from the ringleader) unable to deal with the b.s. Outside of work I have a really good life. I'm happily married, good friends and a life. My life does not revolve around work. (this ticks the ringleader off) She is a martyr and will often tell clients that she has access to her email 24/7 but then bitches because she says management asks too much of her! If I could just go to work and ignore them that would be fine by me. But we are part of a healthcare team and must interact. To say these people love drama is an understatement. If there is a problem work wise it's all over embellished and yelling and histrionics are used, so that makes things uncomfortable enough. There is CONSTANT bitching about how unhappy they are with the company (management has no balls so they don't care) I am in the same "type" position as the ring leader obviously though she has more experience. She micromanages so you nearly have to go to her for many of the decisions because she changes the rules day to day about how to handle a situation. I've learned to cope with that. I've learned to deal with the one super obnoxious co-worker that eats while on the phone and chews with her mouth open and makes comments like "I hate everyone" and I'm going to vomit" I mean really? This is a woman in her late 50's. There is another person who is part time that is the same position as me and bitches about any work that needs to be done. The other 3 have a different position. It's lower ranking/paying however I respect what they do and have always offered to help them out. (I don't believe even if you're in a higher position that you're too good to do something else on the team) They follow the ringleader in all things. Constantly seeking her approval. There is another co-worker on the same position as these 3 and she sees the same way I do. She calls it "upside down world" as in what would make sense is the opposite in this place. From my understanding there was always someone "bullied" in the office, which is why the other 3 in my position left. I have tried to be nice and accommodating and bending over backwards to help them and still I get treated rudely. If a mistake is made, instead of bringing it to me, they go to the ringleader who goes all dramatic on the simplest thing even though I have asked for them to tell me so I know what I'm doing wrong. They always ask each other about their weekends trips, tell each other to have a nice evening etc...but when I have tried to make small talk ( I don't like to give too much about myself away mostly bc I have nothing to complain about really on the homefront and sure as hell wouldn't tell them if I did and all they do is bitch) it's brushed off. If I tell them to have a nice evening it's ignored. If I'm going away they say nothing either when I'm leaving or when I return (except for the 2 or 3 not in the clique, but one of the really nice women works in the front so I don't see her except when she brings stuff to us) If I act like I don't care they talk about me and think "something is up" because I'm ignoring them! I seriously can't win. So this has all become glaring obvious because I've been off on a long weekend since Friday pm and returned today. I realized just how unhappy I am for those 8 hours and usually I can brush of my day when I leave there, but this time I carried "work" with me for a few hours when we were leaving on our trip and that's unacceptable to me. I was run over with the bus big time by the ring leader, who undermined me and basically made me look like an idiot because she's too afraid to lose control and become disposable there. There was a time that the part timer was to quit in May, now pushed to June but who knows. And the ring leader was supposed to be traveling more to support existing business, but it doesn't seem like that's going to happen. We are forced to have "parties" together during workdays because we celebrate birthdays, yes like 5 year old. Complete with cake and ice cream and it's b.s. We have to pick our menu then everyone brings something, it's ridiculous. When I told management last year that I didn't want my birthday celebrated with this "fake" bunch I was told I "had" to! So if you got through this novel, thank you and how would you handle this. Would you make the small talk even though it gets shot down. Or would you just ignore except for business talk and get over the fact that they're talking about you? I get that I shouldn't let people like that see me upset or whatever and I try not to. I get that it's better to smile and what not, but it feels fake as I would have nothing to do with them ordinarily. They are easily the nastiest bunch I've ever had to work with.
KatZee Posted April 17, 2013 Posted April 17, 2013 If I were you I'd continue sucking it up, being cordial and professional while looking for a new job. No way in hell I'd stay in a position that sucked all the life out of me like that. 1
Author truthbetold Posted April 17, 2013 Author Posted April 17, 2013 If I were you I'd continue sucking it up, being cordial and professional while looking for a new job. No way in hell I'd stay in a position that sucked all the life out of me like that. Thanks I'm trying but I need more experience as I want to work from home at this point. Truly I want to work with the well population but what I want to do isn't easy to come by, so the next best thing would be at home as I wouldn't miss the office drama at all. I've worked in other offices and none were this bad. This is a second career for me. I meant to say too, I understand staying away from the clique but it's hard to do when pretty much the entire office is the clique! It's hard to go all day and not make small talk and not have it be odd. I just never before encountered such a hate filled group of women. I do tell myself though because it's pretty obvious that if they were happy they wouldn't need to be so awful, but that doesn't make the hours go by any faster!
Leigh 87 Posted May 1, 2013 Posted May 1, 2013 you know, some people really are defective. Seriously: some peoples attitudes just suck. They sit around and bitch about their life (rather than taking stepts to do something about it, and learning to be more greatful with what they DO Have) These types of people are lame, and just not very insipirational.. I LOVE being around folks for support and encourage me: who do not winge and wine much: who are generally positive about their situations in life: whoi are greatful and therefore do not let small matters get to them too much (like not being able to afford the ltest phone, for instace). Sadly, such people are few and far between, from what I read on loveshack!!!!! Based on what I read on here, it sounds like the majority of people are just not that remarkable or inspirational; and are in fact, the exact OPPOSITE. Man, maybe if they did not BITCH and MOAN all the time, they may get a decent guy ! I wish you luck, you DO sound like a cool person who just wants to get along with everyone, and have a pleasant time at work! I DEFINATEY recommend searching for a new job in the near future!
pbjbear Posted May 1, 2013 Posted May 1, 2013 you know, some people really are defective. Seriously: some peoples attitudes just suck. They sit around and bitch about their life (rather than taking stepts to do something about it, and learning to be more greatful with what they DO Have) These types of people are lame, and just not very insipirational.. I LOVE being around folks for support and encourage me: who do not winge and wine much: who are generally positive about their situations in life: whoi are greatful and therefore do not let small matters get to them too much (like not being able to afford the ltest phone, for instace). Sadly, such people are few and far between, from what I read on loveshack!!!!! Based on what I read on here, it sounds like the majority of people are just not that remarkable or inspirational; and are in fact, the exact OPPOSITE. Man, maybe if they did not BITCH and MOAN all the time, they may get a decent guy ! I wish you luck, you DO sound like a cool person who just wants to get along with everyone, and have a pleasant time at work! I DEFINATEY recommend searching for a new job in the near future! I agree with your premises. I have a journal every night where I write down things Im thankful for. I have yet to find a decent guy who is willing to treat me the way I treat him, but I have an excellent life in several other aspects. Except for this part. Not moaning will help, but there simply arent many decent men anymore. I interact positively with men in real life and give everyone a chance before I assume the worst. Even the guys that treat me well in the beginning, become selfish and entitled once time has passed. It is a very narcissistic world we live in today so expecting to find genuinely nice nonself absorbed people is difficult. Even with girls it is hard to find true friends who arent catty and are supportive. As Ive gotten older my social circle has become smaller and I depend emotionally on far less people because truely good people are gems in today's world. Instead of getting upset a girl friend has not been a good friend (my long term best friend has recently become a bad friend in the past year) I focus on the other ones that dont
Leigh 87 Posted May 1, 2013 Posted May 1, 2013 I agree with your premises. I have a journal every night where I write down things Im thankful for. I have yet to find a decent guy who is willing to treat me the way I treat him, but I have an excellent life in several other aspects. Except for this part. Not moaning will help, but there simply arent many decent men anymore. I interact positively with men in real life and give everyone a chance before I assume the worst. Even the guys that treat me well in the beginning, become selfish and entitled once time has passed. It is a very narcissistic world we live in today so expecting to find genuinely nice nonself absorbed people is difficult. Even with girls it is hard to find true friends who arent catty and are supportive. As Ive gotten older my social circle has become smaller and I depend emotionally on far less people because truely good people are gems in today's world. Instead of getting upset a girl friend has not been a good friend (my long term best friend has recently become a bad friend in the past year) I focus on the other ones that dont Even from looking at facebook, it becomes clear that people think OTHER PEOPLE care when they eat a sandwich, visit the beach, or do mundane activities. I seldom write on facebook, because, well: I do not think anyone would CARE to know that, well, I just finished my college assignment. And scratched my bottom. In this day and age, people sit all day on facebook writing about themselves. Or blog. Or twitter. I get that this can be usefull; for large social groups of friends to know what the other friends in their group are up to! The thing is, though: most people on facebook have FAR more people on their friend lists that really are NOT their friends. The point I am making is: it is all too easy to induldge in narcisistic behaviour these days...... Honestly, based on your description of yourself: you are slim, attractive, and educated. AND you practice being greatfull..You have some substance to you ..... the only thing I can think of with you is: you simply have not found a guy who has the feelings there for you. If your the dream girl of a man, it does not mean he will necessarily be able to fall in love with you. You could be everything he wants in a girl, yet he may be able to fall in love with a girl who is far less attractive and who he likes LESS as a person, while NOT being able to fall fully il love with you. I am not my boyfriends dream girl, and I am certainly not his ideal in so far as attractiveness goes. He could not stop thinking about me though, and in the end it drew him to me, and not into the arms of another women. my bfs dream girl is: a pretty Australian singer. A beautiful girl who can sing, and is nice, smart, and loves to travel and rides motor bikes would be his DREAM girl. HE could meet this so called dream girl, however, and lack the capacity to love her in the same way he has fallen in love with me. It is just down to forces which we cannot explain, in my opinion! You just need to come into contact with a man who has the capacity to love you. That really is what I think has been the issue here! It is really nice how you practice being greatfull. I think daily how lucky I am, too. There are guys who appreciate girls like this! My boyfriend loves that about me; that I am kind hearted and greatfull. 1
Taramere Posted May 1, 2013 Posted May 1, 2013 So if you got through this novel, thank you and how would you handle this. Would you make the small talk even though it gets shot down. Or would you just ignore except for business talk and get over the fact that they're talking about you? Well, I'd probably be looking for a different place to work...but it depends on what options are out there, and how much you love the work itself (and the package that goes with it). It's difficult to deal with these situations, and from the sound of things you're already handling it quite well in terms of keeping a good work/life balance to minimise the impact these toxic colleagues have on your life. I've usually liked and got along reasonably well with people I worked with, but every now and again I've encountered ones who just didn't like me. My usual way of dealing with people who I don't rub along well with is to try to minimise my contact with them. Quite often I've found that so long as I'm polite and pleasant but otherwise keep myself to myself, they'll start to warm up over time. However I'd say that's more been the case with the occasional "difficult" person I've worked with who wasn't a bully, but was difficult on account of finding change and new people difficult to adjust to. In those cases, just getting on with work and letting the person take as much time as they need to suss you out and start feeling more comfortable around you can be better than trying to force any sort of work friendship. You're not going to change these women, the way they behave nor the fact that their lives revolve around office politics. I think that basically you have the right approach, and it's just a case of managing to sustain it. As you say, these are toxic people and unfortunately since you work with them you can't really avoid them. So I suppose it's a case of keeping your immune system boosted up against their toxicity, and exposing yourself to plenty of good, fun stuff that will act as a positive counter. One more thing. When people piss me off, I like to get creative in the way I deal with it. I might make a story or a poem about them... basically create a little comic scenario around them. A lot of the best comedy shows have probably come from people having little choice but to deal with individuals who are a nightmare to be around. Humour is a pretty good coping mechanism. Imagine you're writing a sitcom about your colleagues. Once you get really into the creative spirit of it all, you might actually find yourself looking forward to having to deal with their **** because of all the new material it gives you.
Leigh 87 Posted May 2, 2013 Posted May 2, 2013 You seem like such a sweet girl. I always enjoy reading your posts. gees thanks:) Being nice CAN be a strong point of mine, yet I am often NOT so nice to the person who is the closest to me - the boyfriend.... I take what people say into consideration, and set about making changes to myself. Because really, I am not always that much of a sweet girl, unfortunately:( Not in all areas of life, at least! People on here have told me that I am stuck up ( ugly yet say I am attractive), bad at grammar, and that I come across like I am under educated. Terrible things I know, but I did take all this into consideration and set about changing these not so stellar things about my character. The problem with these toxic people at this poor girls work, is that: they bitch about the petty issues in life, instead of fixing the problem at hand: instead of being great full for what they DO have and not bothering with what they cannot change: and instead of being positive, they opt to talk about the negative in people. I just find people like this to be extremely..... un - inspiring. I read books about folks who have come through terrible adversity. These people do not sit around bitching about their predicaments or the past troubles they were unfairly subjected to. The most amazing people I have READ about, tend to be people who have worked the hardest to overcome adversities. Some people in the office, like the ones described here, sound like they just bitch about ANY little thing, for example: people they do not like, tasks in THEIR JOB that they got given (when really, they are bloody LUCKY to HAVE a freaking job!) I mean geez, I am a college student who has had to drop out pretty much and only do ONE subject, because I CANOT FIND A BLOODY JOB. I would do ANYTHING to get the most basic menial job to support myself during college but no, no one wants to employ a 26 year old to do the job a 15 year old can do for half the price. SO yeah. Those ladies are SO lucky to be able to put food on the table, and even save for a holiday if they choose. Yet they are so short sighted and thankless, that hey incessantly bitch about the things they have. As you can tell, I really have no respect for people like this! They have so little to talk about that they would rather choose to spend their time bitching about things and making life difficult for new people at work? BACK in high school, at age 15 - 16, I admit I TOO would bitch about people as a means of connecting with others. I was a loner and wanted to talk to people desperately, and unfortunately; bitching about others was the ONLY thing I could think of, as thing to talk to them about. I am 26 now though. I have read enough books on amazing people to have learnt that my time is better spend being more positive and great full!
hppr Posted May 4, 2013 Posted May 4, 2013 If I were you I'd continue sucking it up, being cordial and professional while looking for a new job. No way in hell I'd stay in a position that sucked all the life out of me like that. This this this this this! I was in that sort of situation too, tons of women at my old job and only a couple guys. The single women were mostly late 20s/early 30s, divorced single mom types who hated men, hated married women, hated single women that were prettier than they were, hate hate hate. And the manager was also the head she-bitch so I had to go through her for everything. Get out while you can, keep your sanity, find a place to work that isn't full of *******s, you will breathe easier believe me.
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