Anybody else's TBXWW insisting on keeping their married name?

[reservoirdog1]

TBXWW told me the other day that it's always difficult for her when I phone (we have two kids so I have to) because seeing my name on her call display makes her feel guilty for all the sh*t she did while we were together.

 

And yet, she's keeping her married name... every time she's referred to by her whole name, there it is: a big, in-her-face reminder of the marriage she destroyed with her cheating and lies.

 

Anybody else's TBXW keeping your last name? What are their reasons? Am I wrong to be bothered by this?

 

After all, it's my name, and I want it back.

[brashgal]

There are so many reasons. Many women want to keep their married names because of the children - somewhat irrational I think because the kids know who they are. Some women want to keep their married names because they like them better than their given last names. I think some do it because they don't want EVERYONE to know they are divorced - different last names can be a dead giveaway.

 

Can you ask her why she wants to keep it? You might not want her to know that you care. One more way to let her know she hurt you.

 

Positive thought, maybe she'll get married soon and take someone else's name.

[moimeme]

I kept mine. My maiden name's French and nobody could ever spell it. Plus, it is a pain to get all your ID changed. A name's a name. I suppose if I hated him or something, I might want to distance myself from it but I don't and so why go to all that trouble again. If I actually marry again, I'll see what the fellow thinks of me keeping this name. It's not like I must keep it. It just turned out handier.

[Matilda]

When I divorced from my first husband, I kept his name for a little while. I decided to keep it, because then my daughter and I would still have the same last name. One reason that I wanted to keep our names the same, is so that she would have a greater sense of family with me. (We're part of the same family, we have the same last name.) The other reason was simply convenience. When I wrote a check to her preschool, they knew who it was for, simply by seeing the same last name on the check. And other people expect you have to have the same last name as your child.

 

When I remarried, I agonized a bit about taking my new husband's last name, or going back to my maiden name. I was afraid my daughter would feel like a huge 3rd wheel, if my husband and I had the same last name, and she had a different one. I finally decided to go back to my maiden name, with my current husband's blessing. I must say it was quite liberating to finally get rid of my ex's last name.

 

Now, we have 3 last names in our household. My husband's name, which our 2 sons also have, my last name, and my daughter's last name. It can be pretty confusing for other people. I've had other people assume my husband and I aren't married. I've had people call me Mrs. husband's name, Mrs. daughter's name, and Mrs. my own name. My husband has been called Mr. my name. But it all works out. I've learned to be very specific with people, and say I have a different last name from my husband and my children.

 

Anyway, I just wanted to say that I can see why she might keep your name for convenience and family cohesiveness.

[moimeme]

I have a friend who had a son with her first husband, another son with her second, and went back to her maiden name. She says the family sounds like a law firm, now; 'Smith, Klein, and Goldman' LOL. (made-up names, of course!)

[arcadia]

my boyfriend's ex wife kept his last name.... i won't lie.. it does bother me a little bit. (i kinda wanted to be the only one) but he says it is a hassle for her to change it.. they have no kids, though, so that isnt an issue. whatever.. it is a minor irritance

[SoleMate]

Am I wrong to be bothered by this?

Yes. She has a right to the name.

 

every time she's referred to by her whole name, there it is: a big, in-her-face reminder of the marriage she destroyed with her cheating and lies

It depends on how you look at it. It might just be a reminder of the wonderful children that you share.

 

I know you were very hurt in your marriage. Of course, the anger you carry around hurts you more than it hurts anyone else. I hope you can learn to let go of that angry feeling. The question is not whether "she deserves your anger"; the question is whether YOU deserve to feel that way.

 

I'm suggesting you give yourself the gift of forgiving her.

[ready2moveon26]

I agree with SoleMate. You need to get over this. You gave her a lot, including her last name, but she gave you children. Is that a fair enough trade? After my divorce, I am going to keep my last name. I like my husband's last name and have been known by it for so long, that it will be too weird for me to change (I'm a teacher). I also agree that it will be weird for my daughter to have a different last name than me. She is 4 and is in that stage where she's calling everyone by their first and last name. For example, she'll even call me Mommy "Smith". Parents and children having different last names is all too common now days and I don't want my daughter to have to go through life with that in your face, your mom and dad are divorced. Think about your children...think about you...and think about her...Forgiveness is the key! Once you've forgiven her (you don't have to admit it to her), things will get easier! I promise!

[izzybelle]

oddly enough my daughter and i have had several discussions about that lately. i've kept my married name mostly because it's my kid's last name. it's not a name i'm fond of and will probably change it some day but not until they're out of school. it's ethnic and i'm not and i'm tired of people assuming that i fluently speak a language that i can only swear in!

 

people sometimes find it difficult because they'll start to say mrs. *** and then realize the mrs. part isn't quite accurate. and they stumble and i just laugh. i'd prefer that my kid's friends call me by my first name but some of the parents seem to have a problem with that. i'm not much for formality.

 

my daughter just brought it up yesterday and one of the other things i mentioned about keeping it is that my ex is getting remarried. as stupid as it sounds if she's the only mrs. *** i'm afraid that they'll think she's their mother if i have a different last name. maybe a little childish but....

 

i would love to change it. as i said it's not a last name i'm fond of and yes, it is a constant reminder of the mistake i made in marrying him.... and then i see my kids and it makes it all worth the hastle.

 

i was married briefly right out of college and at that point with no kids, i couldn't change my name back fast enough!