Love_Malorie28 Posted April 17, 2013 Posted April 17, 2013 Ok... I have been lurking on these forums for a minute and I finally decided to register and put up a question of my own. I'm a newbie, so be gentle with me please! lol. My situation is in my mind pretty complex. I started dating a guy a year or so younger than me this past December. We went to the same middle and high school together, so we've known each other for years. He expressed his intrest to me at a christmas party, and we quickly started getting to know each other through texts. We hung out a couple of times, had a great date, and then we fell off. I got busy with work and my kids, and he just didn't really work hard to pursue me. Then we picked back up again.... He came over one weekend, we stayed up the whole night talking. Then he came back the next night and we had sex. The sex was fabulous! But then we fell off again.... And then we picked up again. Smh... This time we both promised to not be strangers. We texted daily, and then he asked me out on a date. While on our date he lined up another date for a few days later. On both of these dates there was great communication, lots of cuddling, and no sex. He even stayed till 5 am just listnening to music and talking to me! Then the next day he started calling me. He told me he missed me and he wanted to see me again. This was on Friday. Now today is Tuesday and I have yet to hear from him..... My question is this: If I want to speed things up and pursue him more, how can I do this without looking desperate? And while we both tell each other that we really like each other and it's established that we are dating, when is is appropriate to discuss exclusivity? We've been talking on and off for almost 4 months. He's stated that he wants us moving at a steady pace and not rush. I'm all for that, since I also hate to rush, but I'm really liking this guy and I feel ready to move to the next level..... Advice??
Leegh Posted April 17, 2013 Posted April 17, 2013 I really wouldn't say anything, but if he brings something up you can respond. I think you can tell how it is progressing by his actions, not by words. I think it best not to talk about "heavy" things early on.
TaserTag Posted April 17, 2013 Posted April 17, 2013 I don't think it looks desperate to call or email someone and just tell them that you'd like to see them & ask when they're free. There's nothing wrong with setting up a date yourself. I don't think you should call constantly or demand things, of course, but there's nothing wrong with checking in, being friendly, and expressing your interest. I'd probably see how the next few dates go and wait until communication was more consistent before bringing up being exclusive, though.
clia Posted April 17, 2013 Posted April 17, 2013 I don't think you have anything to gain by pursuing him more. I think you should just continue to do what you are doing, provided you want to want to keep seeing him. However, I think you should keep your options open, because he really doesn't seem to be that into you. In my opinion, it does not bode well that the majority of your communication seems to be via text (which requires no effort on his part), and that you two "fell off" with each other twice. That doesn't show very high interest in you from his perspective. I mean, he texted you last Friday and said he wanted to see you again. Rather than making weekend plans with you immediately, it's been four days and you haven't heard anything from him. (Not even a "What's up?" text.) Who did he go out with on Saturday night? Who is he going out with this weekend? Why not you? These just aren't the actions of a man who is really enthralled. How many dates have you actually been on with him? More than the seven you've referenced? Because seven (or even eight) is not a lot for four months. Did he do anything for you for Valentine's Day?
Author Love_Malorie28 Posted April 17, 2013 Author Posted April 17, 2013 Thanks Taser Tag and Leegh. I agree I should wait to see more consistency before bringing up being exclusive. Clia, I agree with you as well. I do have other options, I just happen to like this guy more than the other two guys I deal with. He's special to me. I guess because I've always known him and liked him. He actually called last Friday. He was going to stop by and have lunch but I had to go get my kids early from school. I know his weekends are spent coaching a youth basketball team my younger brother plays for. So in addition to us dating, he's my little brothers coach. They practice Friday nights and have tournaments allday Saturday and Sunday. And its the same thing this weekend as well. He didn't Do anything for Valentine's other than text me. Just like the other two guys I talk to. I don't really see anything wrong with that....
Ninjainpajamas Posted April 17, 2013 Posted April 17, 2013 I don't think this guy is looking for a relationship Malorie, that's the vibe I'm getting here. Considering that most women tend to be looking for relationships and exclusivity, it's not a mystery for a man to figure that out over the age of...I don't know, 20. There are some women out there who don't want that, but it's typically with men that don't feel fit the bill or they have commitment issues themselves, however not necessarily exclusivity issues. This guys already played hot and cold, push and pull so he's not going to bring out that fear within you out anyway.....yet, if you do even have those problems. At the end of the day, I'm sure in your situation this guy knows you are interested and he sounds like an adult that wouldn't have any inner quarrels that would confuse him on whether you're interested or not. So what do you think you'd have to gain by pursuing him? He's already been intimate with you, the "pressure" or pursuit is off to an extent...anything more would be for seconds or thirds and he didn't seem to press the issue anyway. But he's a public figure as well, and someone who coaches kids, one kid that happens to be apart of his group that you're related to...so I can see him putting on the breaks and being cautious anyway, because he's got something to lose, a face or reputation to be possibly tarnished with any excessive bad behavior...If he cares that is. I think you should honestly let him set the pace, you already engaged in intimacy without any expectations or "rules" of what you were looking for or interested in right?...you didn't say "oh hey I'm looking for a relationship, so if you stick your dingaling in me I'm going to want exclusivity that leads to a committed relationship...because that's what I'm looking for"...you probably just hit it off like most human beings do, you have some history together, you see each other intermittently, he doesn't seem in a hurry to engage in exclusivity...maybe the next time you hang out it would be something to talk about, especially before becoming intimate with him again, otherwise you can just spend time and hang out together and see what clicks....without the sex. If he's truly interested at the end of the day, he's going to pursue a relationship, just don't give him in the milk and expect him to buy the cow....just because that's what you're "hoping" he will do, have a standard and expectation or you're just giving it out for free.
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