GI_Joy Posted April 19, 2013 Posted April 19, 2013 After reading a couple of threads here and having the experience of my own, I realize that this issue seems to be a lot more common than I thought. The issue I'm talking about is that whole thing when the guy is "in limbo", because he has a lot of crap and misery going on in his life, us being accommodating and wanting to be there for him but him not appreciating our care, and still carries baggage from the last relationship, and ends up being a coward in the end. And no lie, I was thinking the same thoughts you were thinking. I think it helps to know that your guy isn't the only dud out there, that he's got a lot of "buddies" out there who are exactly like him.
Author sweetjess1951 Posted April 19, 2013 Author Posted April 19, 2013 After reading a couple of threads here and having the experience of my own, I realize that this issue seems to be a lot more common than I thought. The issue I'm talking about is that whole thing when the guy is "in limbo", because he has a lot of crap and misery going on in his life, us being accommodating and wanting to be there for him but him not appreciating our care, and still carries baggage from the last relationship, and ends up being a coward in the end. And no lie, I was thinking the same thoughts you were thinking. I think it helps to know that your guy isn't the only dud out there, that he's got a lot of "buddies" out there who are exactly like him. It is really hard for me to understand sabotaging a relationship with a good person because of pain you experienced in the past. I feel like I have A LOT of experience with pain from men. My father was pretty much absent in my life and when he was in it, he was very critical of me. A high school boyfriend hit me, another cheated on me and one a few years ago cheated and lied and got arrested for cocaine. So sorry, no sympathy from me about experiencing pain and hurt, because I've had plenty. I can't say I'm perfect and don't bring any baggage into my next relationships. I know with my ex there were times I acted a little insecure, but I gave him a fair chance and trusted him. I, on the other hand, did not receive the same courtesy. I'm the girlfriend that doesn't even put myself in a situation to be unfaithful. Yet, he always acted like I was just like the others, seeing men behind his back and flirting/lying. He couldn't trust and understand the fact that I wanted ONLY him. I wanted a future with ONLY him. He would say that guys would always show me attention and what would stop me from taking advantage of that. Um, because I'm a good person with moral and values. I was raised right. So to think that he let go of that, it is a little hard to understand. He also couldn't seperate our relationship from others. His brother for example, lives and works with his fiance. He rarely spends time away from her. If he is with his friends, she is usually there. My ex couldn't believe that I didn't want that kind of relationship. Sorry, but I want time with my girlfriends. I don't want to be attached to his hip. I want him to go play soccer with his buddies without me tagging along. And he would say things that would show how scared he was about getting hurt. When he talked about me moving into his 2 bedroom apartment, I told him we could set my bedroom set up in the other room for nights where maybe one of us was restless and didn't want to wake the other or if one of us was sick. His response was ABSOLUTELY NOT! That his ex fiance started sleeping in the other room and look at how well that worked out. I remember one time he told me he didn't want to take me to Michigan to meet the rest of his family because the last girl he took there cheated on him.
GI_Joy Posted April 19, 2013 Posted April 19, 2013 You and I sound like the same exact person, jess. What I learned is that no matter how much we blatantly show them we're not their ex, it's as if they can't see past the shutters they built themselves in their head. They're just stuck in such a negative mindset, that victim complex, "Oh, they screwed me over, just like all the other girls that screwed me over, let me protect myself by acting as if this new girl is just like them." It's a very toxic mindset and something that no one can fix but themselves. It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. My ex was a nice and accommodating guy, but he overinvested in his last LTR and subsequently became selfish and closed off in a way in every future relationship since then. It's funny because every single thing that he said about his past relationships that he had a problem with, he was doing to me. He claims that girls he was with couldn't get over the past, here he is acting so much more selfish now and continuously bringing up his huge regret over the burden of a $30,000 car debt because he bought his then fiance a car. All in all, these guys will continue to sabotage future relationships with wonderful girls who are mature and have substance because they can never let go of those who did them wrong in the past. They're just stuck. We don't need guys with issues that they can't get over, it's toxic to us.
Author sweetjess1951 Posted April 19, 2013 Author Posted April 19, 2013 You and I sound like the same exact person, jess. What I learned is that no matter how much we blatantly show them we're not their ex, it's as if they can't see past the shutters they built themselves in their head. They're just stuck in such a negative mindset, that victim complex, "Oh, they screwed me over, just like all the other girls that screwed me over, let me protect myself by acting as if this new girl is just like them." It's a very toxic mindset and something that no one can fix but themselves. It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. My ex was a nice and accommodating guy, but he overinvested in his last LTR and subsequently became selfish and closed off in a way in every future relationship since then. It's funny because every single thing that he said about his past relationships that he had a problem with, he was doing to me. He claims that girls he was with couldn't get over the past, here he is acting so much more selfish now and continuously bringing up his huge regret over the burden of a $30,000 car debt because he bought his then fiance a car. All in all, these guys will continue to sabotage future relationships with wonderful girls who are mature and have substance because they can never let go of those who did them wrong in the past. They're just stuck. We don't need guys with issues that they can't get over, it's toxic to us. It makes me sad to think he could be alone or have an unfulfilled relationship because of his ex fiance. I wouldn't have hurt him. I would have made sure he was happy. When you said your ex over invested in his past relationship, that was exactly how my ex was with his ex fiance. He would give in to her EVERY demand. Anything she wanted he gave her. Now it is like he won't do that for me because I'll end up leaving him.
GI_Joy Posted April 19, 2013 Posted April 19, 2013 It makes me sad to think he could be alone or have an unfulfilled relationship because of his ex fiance. I wouldn't have hurt him. I would have made sure he was happy. And that's exactly what I did. I gave him my listening ear when he complained about his job issues and family issues, I was there for him when he needed it, but he still walked away. In retrospect he never really did the same for me. I mean, he did but somewhere down the line he became selfish and oblivious to what he was doing to me. He didn't actively push me away but he didn't fight to keep me either. Somewhere along the line, he stopped putting in effort and stopped caring about me. In fact, he dumped me on the day I needed a shoulder to cry on because my mom was in the hospital in critical condition. When you said your ex over invested in his past relationship, that was exactly how my ex was with his ex fiance. He would give in to her EVERY demand. Anything she wanted he gave her. Now it is like he won't do that for me because I'll end up leaving him. Doesn't it suck when the actions of some immature selfish B-word disillusions the nice guys? I promise myself NEVER to let the actions or lack thereof of my past take away the hope I have for the future. It's as if they punish themselves for overinvesting in the previous relationship by not investing at all in each subsequent relationship. It's a damn shame.
Author sweetjess1951 Posted April 19, 2013 Author Posted April 19, 2013 And that's exactly what I did. I gave him my listening ear when he complained about his job issues and family issues, I was there for him when he needed it, but he still walked away. In retrospect he never really did the same for me. I mean, he did but somewhere down the line he became selfish and oblivious to what he was doing to me. He didn't actively push me away but he didn't fight to keep me either. Somewhere along the line, he stopped putting in effort and stopped caring about me. In fact, he dumped me on the day I needed a shoulder to cry on because my mom was in the hospital in critical condition. Doesn't it suck when the actions of some immature selfish B-word disillusions the nice guys? I promise myself NEVER to let the actions or lack thereof of my past take away the hope I have for the future. It's as if they punish themselves for overinvesting in the previous relationship by not investing at all in each subsequent relationship. It's a damn shame. So how long have you been in NC? Has he tried to reach out to you at all?
GI_Joy Posted April 19, 2013 Posted April 19, 2013 So how long have you been in NC? Has he tried to reach out to you at all? It's been a little over a week. He has not reached out to me. Except for that one selfish text that he sent the next morning after he dumped me asking if my sister still wanted his furniture and I just put him in his place. And honestly, I don't expect him to try to reach out to me given his attitude towards girls leaving him in general. He had been in so many relationships where the girl had left him (this should've been an obvious red flag to me) that he told me, and I quote, "If the girl leaves me, I just let them walk and move on." He just gives up. He has no fight in him. And I quite frankly cannot tolerate being with someone who just doesn't give a damn. But I'll be honest--there were times when I really wanted to just call him to get some closure, but I quickly realize that no matter what he says to me, it just won't be enough to justify what he did to me. So he can take his sorry butt into another relationship with a crappy girl, because he clearly doesn't know how to deal with one who is actually genuine. :laugh:
Author sweetjess1951 Posted April 19, 2013 Author Posted April 19, 2013 It's been a little over a week. He has not reached out to me. Except for that one selfish text that he sent the next morning after he dumped me asking if my sister still wanted his furniture and I just put him in his place. And honestly, I don't expect him to try to reach out to me given his attitude towards girls leaving him in general. He had been in so many relationships where the girl had left him (this should've been an obvious red flag to me) that he told me, and I quote, "If the girl leaves me, I just let them walk and move on." He just gives up. He has no fight in him. And I quite frankly cannot tolerate being with someone who just doesn't give a damn. But I'll be honest--there were times when I really wanted to just call him to get some closure, but I quickly realize that no matter what he says to me, it just won't be enough to justify what he did to me. So he can take his sorry butt into another relationship with a crappy girl, because he clearly doesn't know how to deal with one who is actually genuine. :laugh: It really does give me comfort to read that you are feeling the same way I am. Although, you seem much stronger about it than me. I have a hard time wrapping my head around this because it wasn't like we weren't working. I think back to my ex ex and it was clear the relationship wasn't going to work because he was a drug and alcohol addict. Obviously, it caused a lot of issues in our relationship. Plus, I didn't see him as a responsible adult. He frequently over drafted his account, missed payments on bills and had a hard time with household function like cleaning and replacing toilet paper. My ex and I had the perfect chemistry, love, connection and interaction. We enjoyed the same activities, shared the game goals/moral/values, liked each other's family and had the same interests. The sex was great. Just like he said, "I was f'in perfect for me". So it is SO hard for me to understand and grasp that he can let someone so perfect just walk away. I can say with 100% sureness, he will not find another girl that is more perfect for me. Maybe that is what scares him? It certainly is what helps me with NC. Mine would never admit that he was scared of getting hurt, although his actions definitely said he was. I would try to tell him that eventually I'd get tired of being his "girlfriend", while not receiving the benefits of the girlfriend. He said "Oh great. So you are just going to use me until you find a more promising individual". No dummy. Sorry it is so hard for you to believe, but I want to be with YOU!!! If I didn't answer my phone, he would "joke" and say things like "tell him to keep his hands off my woman". One night we were laying in bed and my phone went off with a text. He said "tell him you're busy with me". He would defend against not living together because apparently the other girls took a lot of his stuff when they parted ways. He continued to say how bad it scared him to settle down because he wasn't ready to give up things. The last time we hung out, he kind of mumbled in a very low voice "love you" and then when I acted shocked, he acted like he didn't mean to say it. It really caught me off guard because he had not said it to me since he officially broke things off back in October. When I would ask him after the fact if he ever meant it, he said he did, but just couldn't commit to it. Why would he say "love you" to me, after all that time? I want to be with this man. I want him to trust me that I ONLY want to be with HIM and know that I'm not going to hurt him. I love him so much and care about his happiness and it hurts me so bad to not be able to talk to him. I feel like I'm betraying him in a way by not contacting him. What if he thinks he isn't good enough for me or that I don't want him? But I don't know what else to do? I've tried SO hard to show him I love him. I went above and beyond for him. And I would be lying if I said I wasn't using NC to get him to realize what he had. It is just making it harder for me because I miss him so much.
GI_Joy Posted April 19, 2013 Posted April 19, 2013 It really does give me comfort to read that you are feeling the same way I am. Although, you seem much stronger about it than me. Trust me, I've come a long way. I used to be a nervous wreck when it came to rejection but it was my own self-development through the years and the perspective that life has given me (with the help of a therapist) that has helped me recognize my own self-worth. And it also helps when you know others have dealt with similar situations My ex and I had the perfect chemistry, love, connection and interaction. We enjoyed the same activities, shared the game goals/moral/values, liked each other's family and had the same interests. The sex was great. Just like he said, "I was f'in perfect for me". So it is SO hard for me to understand and grasp that he can let someone so perfect just walk away. I can say with 100% sureness, he will not find another girl that is more perfect for me. Maybe that is what scares him? It certainly is what helps me with NC. This is EXACTLY what it was like with my ex. We were practically perfect for each other, and I can only imagine the pain you feel for him to just give up such a catch! It's so....mindboggling. The question is, how do we deal with it? Do we paralyze ourselves in those thoughts and let it affect how we view future relationships? Or do we come to terms with the fact that he didn't have the balls to overcome his own issues and truly enjoy your relationship and trust that there's someone out there who will? Mine would never admit that he was scared of getting hurt, although his actions definitely said he was. I would try to tell him that eventually I'd get tired of being his "girlfriend", while not receiving the benefits of the girlfriend. THIS. That is what I had been dealing with throughout the whole relationship. He was giving you crumbs because, like you said, he was scared of getting hurt. I feel like people have different defense mechanisms, and this is one example of what your ex used to protect himself. In my case, I had dealt with this and my ex's flawed attitude that he would just let girls walk out of his life without him trying to win him back that is evidence that he was scared of getting hurt. Hell. I knew him better than he knows himself. He said "Oh great. So you are just going to use me until you find a more promising individual". No dummy. Sorry it is so hard for you to believe, but I want to be with YOU!!! If I didn't answer my phone, he would "joke" and say things like "tell him to keep his hands off my woman". One night we were laying in bed and my phone went off with a text. He said "tell him you're busy with me". He would defend against not living together because apparently the other girls took a lot of his stuff when they parted ways. He continued to say how bad it scared him to settle down because he wasn't ready to give up things. Just other clear evidence of his toxic mind/insecurities. This stuff is stuff you can't solve by being there for him. This is stuff that he clearly needs to work on for himself. Because even the most caring most awesome girl (which seems to be you in this case) can walk into his life and be there for him, but he refuses to see it for himself because he's stuck in the past. I want to be with this man. I want him to trust me that I ONLY want to be with HIM and know that I'm not going to hurt him. I love him so much and care about his happiness and it hurts me so bad to not be able to talk to him. I feel like I'm betraying him in a way by not contacting him. What if he thinks he isn't good enough for me or that I don't want him? But I don't know what else to do? I've tried SO hard to show him I love him. I went above and beyond for him. And I would be lying if I said I wasn't using NC to get him to realize what he had. It is just making it harder for me because I miss him so much. Jess, at this point, I would suggest that you'd start focusing on yourself and give him the space he needs to realize what it's like without you. I feel like guys respond the most to actions, not words. And once they feel that void, they may or may not realize, damn, I miss her. You are in no way betraying him by not contacting him. But you deserve 100% of him and his investment/commitment. You do not deserve 75% of him and 25% of his insecurities/roadblocks.
Author sweetjess1951 Posted April 19, 2013 Author Posted April 19, 2013 Trust me, I've come a long way. I used to be a nervous wreck when it came to rejection but it was my own self-development through the years and the perspective that life has given me (with the help of a therapist) that has helped me recognize my own self-worth. And it also helps when you know others have dealt with similar situations This is EXACTLY what it was like with my ex. We were practically perfect for each other, and I can only imagine the pain you feel for him to just give up such a catch! It's so....mindboggling. The question is, how do we deal with it? Do we paralyze ourselves in those thoughts and let it affect how we view future relationships? Or do we come to terms with the fact that he didn't have the balls to overcome his own issues and truly enjoy your relationship and trust that there's someone out there who will? THIS. That is what I had been dealing with throughout the whole relationship. He was giving you crumbs because, like you said, he was scared of getting hurt. I feel like people have different defense mechanisms, and this is one example of what your ex used to protect himself. In my case, I had dealt with this and my ex's flawed attitude that he would just let girls walk out of his life without him trying to win him back that is evidence that he was scared of getting hurt. Hell. I knew him better than he knows himself. Just other clear evidence of his toxic mind/insecurities. This stuff is stuff you can't solve by being there for him. This is stuff that he clearly needs to work on for himself. Because even the most caring most awesome girl (which seems to be you in this case) can walk into his life and be there for him, but he refuses to see it for himself because he's stuck in the past. Jess, at this point, I would suggest that you'd start focusing on yourself and give him the space he needs to realize what it's like without you. I feel like guys respond the most to actions, not words. And once they feel that void, they may or may not realize, damn, I miss her. You are in no way betraying him by not contacting him. But you deserve 100% of him and his investment/commitment. You do not deserve 75% of him and 25% of his insecurities/roadblocks. I've really tried to just focus on myself. Unlike all the girls he dated, I had a college degree and a career that keeps me busy. I'm also getting together with friends and focusing a lot on the gym/clean eating. Lol, I have a goal to have some sort of abs showing by the time summer rolls around I just felt like I did all I could do. I felt like no matter what I did, it still wasn't enough. And that is a horrible feeling to feel. I mean, I would cater to him after a day of hard work, tickle his feet (lol, hes weird), cook him dinner, always drove to his house, stayed up until 1am writing his resume/cover letter then uploading it onto his LinkedIn account, gave him advice on job interviews, financed a lot of things, listened to him, gave him sex whenever he wanted, let him have his freedom to do things he wanted, always complimented him....I could go on and on. But at the end of the day, I just felt like it wasn't good enough. We had numerous conversations about that as well. One time I told him I thought it was me, that he just didn't have those feelings for me. He responded that just because I didn't receive the honeymoon period didn't mean I wouldn't ever. He always told me how great of a boyfriend he can be. I have saved texts on my phone that I read now and then where he is apologizing for not treating me the way I deserve, that the timing just isn't right because he has to focus all his energy on bettering himself. Another text told me that he didn't think letting me go was a good decision. He told me he hoped I was his wife one day. It was like he didn't want me, but didn't want to let me go. One time, I told him I never wanted to speak to him again. He told me he thought that was ridiculous because a year down the road things could work out. I said no and left. The next week I got text after text with him saying that he knew I'd go out on dates but he wasn't interested in dating anyone else. He kept asking me how I changed in a relationship or did I do anything to push my exes to cheat. So I guess it is a little surprising I haven't heard anything at all. Thanks for chatting with me, btw
Atalya Posted May 9, 2013 Posted May 9, 2013 I know exactly how you feel. I know how hard it is. I'm on 18 days NC. I'm one behind you. Lol. It was hard the first week and painful for me to do but once I got to week 2 and some days, it's easy. It's easy now for me. Stay strong, you have to hang in there. I know I felt like I couldn't do it too but things will get better from here. I have to stand my ground too with the NC. I haven't made contact at all with my ex since we broke up. I'm enjoying myself, getting myself a makeover, and enjoying life. I even went on date today for fun to get out and meet new people. I know it's so difficult but hang in there. Sending lots of love and encouragement. <3
Recommended Posts