sweetjess1951 Posted April 17, 2013 Posted April 17, 2013 My ex officially broke up with me on Oct 31. We had been together for 5 months and it was a very fast moving relationship. We were very much in love. So obviously, I felt blindsided when he told me that he needed to focus on himself because he felt like his life wasn't where he wanted it to be. He also seemed to bring some baggage into our relationship from his broken engagement of 2-3 years ago (she cheated). Anyways, we continued to see each other for 5 months after that. He said we were dating but wouldn't put a title on it. He told me things like how he hoped I was his wife one day and that I was perfect for him. He also told me that I was very similar to his ex fiance, in that we liked the same things, but thinking about it, I was better. I was everything he wanted in a future partner. He admitted that he had not treated me the way I deserved but that that didn't mean I wouldn't get that from him. But I was giving up things I wanted to continue this "relationship" with him. I was ok with it, but I also didn't feel like he appreciated the things I did for him or how well I treated him. His attitude was almost like I would always be there. On March 29th, a few days after he shockingly said "love you" (he hasn't said it since he broke up with me in October), we got into an argument because I wasn't invited to his family's Easter dinner. And just as always, his response was to retreat and ignore. When he finally got in touch with me he said that I was always mad about the same thing (not true) and was just really mean to me. I told him that maybe he should find someone who makes him happy because I felt like I never did anything that was good enough. He told me I was ridiculous. I went over to his house hoping to talk and he just yelled, saying how he was busy and if I wanted to talk, I'd have to wait another day. I left in tears and we haven't spoken since. So I'm 19 day NC and I MISS HIM SO MUCH! I keep thinking of little things in my head that I could send or say. I have a pair of pajama pants of his and I think maybe I could ask if he wants them back? But then I think I'm always the one to fix things. I want him to realize what he has. But it is SO HARD wondering if he is thinking about me, if he meant the things he says. I think he will just forget about me due to absence. Ugh, just talk some sense into me.
geegirl Posted April 17, 2013 Posted April 17, 2013 He said you were dating but didn't want to put a title on it. Seems that the man wasn't really into wanting to commit to you on a deeper level and probably still doesn't have it in him to make you that priority in his life. Ten months together. You both should have been progressing. Instead you were both on a decline. Don't be a fixer to what cannot be fixed. He needs to be the one to fix this. Even if you fix this, you go back to someone that does not want anything more with you but to just "date". All you'll be doing is going back to the same drama you had with him. And the fact that 19 days hasn't moved him one bit, I would tell you to please stay NC, hold your ground and let him realize his loss and fight for you. If he forgets you due to absence, doesn't that tell you something?
dazedandconfused2013 Posted April 17, 2013 Posted April 17, 2013 I am probably not the best person to be giving you advice right now...but DO NOT CONTACT HIM!!!!! You will just end up feeling like crap and this cycle will continue. He knows how to contact you. If he really wanted to talk...he would. 1
Author sweetjess1951 Posted April 17, 2013 Author Posted April 17, 2013 He said you were dating but didn't want to put a title on it. Seems that the man wasn't really into wanting to commit to you on a deeper level and probably still doesn't have it in him to make you that priority in his life. Ten months together. You both should have been progressing. Instead you were both on a decline. Don't be a fixer to what cannot be fixed. He needs to be the one to fix this. Even if you fix this, you go back to someone that does not want anything more with you but to just "date". All you'll be doing is going back to the same drama you had with him. And the fact that 19 days hasn't moved him one bit, I would tell you to please stay NC, hold your ground and let him realize his loss and fight for you. If he forgets you due to absence, doesn't that tell you something? His reasoning was because he felt like me being his girlfriend gave me grounds to start dictating. He told me that settling down scared the crap out of his because that meant he had to give up everything. Apparently his ex girlfriend made him do a lot of unequal things, like keep all his clothes/shoes in the upstairs closet because she wouldn't share. But I've told him over and over that I want an EQUAL relationship and I don't expect him to give up anything. I guess he could think 19 days hasn't moved me one bit, right? I haven't reached out at all, when usually I'm the one doing so. I have the worst guilt. I wonder if me telling him to move on to someone who makes him happy is keeping him from contacting me, like, in some way I'M the dumper...if that makes sense.
Treasa Posted April 17, 2013 Posted April 17, 2013 Go ahead and contact him. Just know that the following things will happen: 1. You will lose any remaining self-respect you have. 2. He will lose any desire for you that he still has remaining. 3. You won't get him back. Steps 1-3 are actually a blessing, because they allow you to rebuild yourself to be MUCH stronger if you take the time to do so, but you won't realize it. You'll just feel more miserable, or, at most, you'll get tossed some breadcrumbs. Sometimes people don't learn until they keep making the same mistakes over and over again, though. I know that's how it was with me. 2
Treasa Posted April 17, 2013 Posted April 17, 2013 I have the worst guilt. I wonder if me telling him to move on to someone who makes him happy is keeping him from contacting me, like, in some way I'M the dumper...if that makes sense. Do you know what it told him? That you don't value yourself very much, and thus, neither should he.
kaws Posted April 17, 2013 Posted April 17, 2013 Don't do it. I'm in the break-up Stage right now, it's been 5 days. I know how you feel. But I feel like giving others advice, will motivate me to not contact my ex, and I will move on Faster. So take my advice. Work on yourself. Find something you love to do, Find a hobbie, Go to work, study. Complete distract yourself. Take yourself out to the movies, Go to the movies with friends. And tell yourself that your MONEY. You have the potential to be great you just don't know it, and until your realize that you're money, You'll meet someone that will Invest in you %100 and you'll be on your way to a new, fresh and healthy relationship.
Author sweetjess1951 Posted April 17, 2013 Author Posted April 17, 2013 Do you know what it told him? That you don't value yourself very much, and thus, neither should he. I didn't say it in a way that meant I didn't value myself. It was more of a "ya know what, if nothing I do makes you happy, then go find someone "better"".... I don't think he will find anyone better than me, who has all the things he wants in a woman/gf/wife.
geegirl Posted April 17, 2013 Posted April 17, 2013 If those were his reasonings, I will have to say that he has some serious control issues, not forgetting the inability to commit which is a hard barrier to break. If he cannot separate you from his ex, and have the ability to see your values and qualities and what you can bring to the table, then he has to work on not letting his past dictate his future. That's not your job because that change can only come from him. Yes, why don't you take the blame for having no contact for 19 days? He said he will talk to you the next day and that he was busy then shooed you away like a mangy cat. The ball was in his court. Besides, he didn't even want to talk to you. Now he is stonewalling you. When you are the one to always fix, the other will never make the effort. You teach people how to treat you. If I loved someone and they told me to move on because they feel like they don't make me happy, I would reassure them that they did make me happy and I would make sure that I give them the security in knowing that I want the relationship to work and progress. I wouldn't yell I am busy, tell them to come back another day and kick them out. That to me sounds like someone that doesn't give a damn anymore.
Treasa Posted April 17, 2013 Posted April 17, 2013 I didn't say it in a way that meant I didn't value myself. It was more of a "ya know what, if nothing I do makes you happy, then go find someone "better"".... I don't think he will find anyone better than me, who has all the things he wants in a woman/gf/wife. You can try and lie to yourself, but I've been there, I've said that, and I know where it comes from. It comes from insecurity. I would never dare utter those words now. Now I'm much more likely to say, "Your loss, you idiot."
Author sweetjess1951 Posted April 17, 2013 Author Posted April 17, 2013 Yes, why don't you take the blame for having no contact for 19 days? He said he will talk to you the next day and that he was busy then shooed you away like a mangy cat. The ball was in his court. Besides, he didn't even want to talk to you. Now he is stonewalling you. When you are the one to always fix, the other will never make the effort. You teach people how to treat you. If I loved someone and they told me to move on because they feel like they don't make me happy, I would reassure them that they did make me happy and I would make sure that I give them the security in knowing that I want the relationship to work and progress. I wouldn't yell I am busy, tell them to come back another day and kick them out. That to me sounds like someone that doesn't give a damn anymore. That is what I wanted to hear, that the ball ISN'T in my court. But I have set it up to be this way, that he can act that way knowing I'm going to come right back to fix it.
geegirl Posted April 17, 2013 Posted April 17, 2013 That is what I wanted to hear, that the ball ISN'T in my court. But I have set it up to be this way, that he can act that way knowing I'm going to come right back to fix it. Yes, the ball is not in your court. Regardless, I believe this is the best time for him to ask himself if he really wants and can handle progressing into a relationship because he knows, if he fixes this with you, the expectation is there to move to the next level. He may just be keeping away because he knows his limits and that he may not be able to give you what you want. If he truly wants to fix this, he will come back. And this time, take him back if you know you can get what you need in a relationship.
Author sweetjess1951 Posted April 17, 2013 Author Posted April 17, 2013 (edited) Yes, the ball is not in your court. Regardless, I believe this is the best time for him to ask himself if he really wants and can handle progressing into a relationship because he knows, if he fixes this with you, the expectation is there to move to the next level. He may just be keeping away because he knows his limits and that he may not be able to give you what you want. If he truly wants to fix this, he will come back. And this time, take him back if you know you can get what you need in a relationship. It seemed a lot like he wanted to do what he wanted to do and keep me around until he was ready. I think he went back and forth a lot on whether he was making a mistake. He told me he knew letting me go would be an idiot move. And the weird thing was that he acted just like my boyfriend, with a few exceptions. Obviously I'd want to be included in family get togethers but how we were was fine with me. He sent me sweet texts saying how he missed me and was thinking about me, he talked about a future together. I just have to keep telling myself that this isn't my fault. Sure, I may get mad about things here and there, but it wasn't like I was mad at him about EVERYTHING. And since when is it a bad thing to date someone who wants to be involved with your family? I'd love for him to meet some girl who just proves that he is being dumb. I just think about how supportive, sweet and loving I was to him. That makes me sad. I think about us laying in bed together, laughing. I think about all the sweet texts he sent me. Thats when I start wondering if I was expecting too much. I do hope he realizes he is making a mistake. Gosh, I love him. Its so hard. Edited April 17, 2013 by sweetjess1951
geegirl Posted April 17, 2013 Posted April 17, 2013 They can act like a boyfriend, send the sweet text messages, talk about a future and all that. But look at his actions. Five months, he bolts. Five months again and he's gone. It doesn't mean anything when he's not there to back anything up. There is nothing wrong with dating someone who wants to meet family. It's only "wrong" when they don't see you in their life that way. Hun, you weren't expecting too much. Infact, you let your expectations fall to the wayside to accommodate his terms of the relationship. 2
singme2sleep Posted April 17, 2013 Posted April 17, 2013 My ex officially broke up with me on Oct 31. We had been together for 5 months and it was a very fast moving relationship. We were very much in love. So obviously, I felt blindsided when he told me that he needed to focus on himself because he felt like his life wasn't where he wanted it to be. He also seemed to bring some baggage into our relationship from his broken engagement of 2-3 years ago (she cheated). Don't do it!!!! Trust me, I heard the same bs. It's been 3 months since my ex ended things because he too was unhappy with his life and needed to be alone to get back on track. Well I recently found out that he is already in a new relationship. I'm telling you this to help you, because I know you're probably feeling like I did. You believe his words and you're hoping that he will fix himself and come back. I don't want to sound insenitive but if he's anything like my ex, it won't happened. I thought my ex was so sweet, so genuine ad so in love with me. I thought he was pushing me away because he truly cared and wanted to feel better about himself because I deserved him at his best. Well I couldn't have been more wrong! I even stupidly sent him a bday card a few weeks ago, now I look back and imagine him opening it and laughing about it with his new girl. It hurts a lot and I don't want somebody else to go through that. You sound like a nice person and you don't deserve that. Others have told me but I didn't want to see it...if he really loves you, he's not going to leave. Stay strong and don't break NC! If he does really love you then he WILL come to you. Best Wishes ~SM2S
ThatJustHappened Posted April 17, 2013 Posted April 17, 2013 The only outcome that won't make you feel like sh*t is if he comes running back and begging you to get back together. But if he was going to do that, he'd have done it on his own without you prompting him. All contacting him will do is make you feel terrible. Don't do it. 3
siankat Posted April 17, 2013 Posted April 17, 2013 Go ahead and contact him. Just know that the following things will happen: 1. You will lose any remaining self-respect you have. 2. He will lose any desire for you that he still has remaining. 3. You won't get him back. Steps 1-3 are actually a blessing, because they allow you to rebuild yourself to be MUCH stronger if you take the time to do so, but you won't realize it. You'll just feel more miserable, or, at most, you'll get tossed some breadcrumbs. Sometimes people don't learn until they keep making the same mistakes over and over again, though. I know that's how it was with me. what was there before nerd glaze?! i forgot but i remember it cracked me up
Author sweetjess1951 Posted April 18, 2013 Author Posted April 18, 2013 The only outcome that won't make you feel like sh*t is if he comes running back and begging you to get back together. But if he was going to do that, he'd have done it on his own without you prompting him. All contacting him will do is make you feel terrible. Don't do it. I know. I'm just tired of being upset and hurt. I do keep telling myself that i have to just keep moving forward without him. He has to make the effort. 1
ThatJustHappened Posted April 18, 2013 Posted April 18, 2013 I know. I'm just tired of being upset and hurt. I do keep telling myself that i have to just keep moving forward without him. He has to make the effort. Exactly. You're tired of being upset and hurt. And contacting him will hurt and upset you, so therefore it's a terrible idea.
geegirl Posted April 18, 2013 Posted April 18, 2013 I know. I'm just tired of being upset and hurt. I do keep telling myself that i have to just keep moving forward without him. He has to make the effort. Well, contacting him will only make you feel more upset and tired. If you are looking to him to comfort that pain you are feeling, unfortunately, he is the source of your pain. Can't put out a fire with fire. And even if you went back, his issues will still be there. He has done nothing to let you know he will work on them. And he's still not sure about having a relationship with you. All that adds up to more pain and hurt for you in the future.
Treasa Posted April 18, 2013 Posted April 18, 2013 what was there before nerd glaze?! i forgot but i remember it cracked me up Oh, it was a small anecdote about how immature I am and how the word "dongle" cracks me up. 1
ThatJustHappened Posted April 18, 2013 Posted April 18, 2013 Oh, it was a small anecdote about how immature I am and how the word "dongle" cracks me up. :laugh::laugh::laugh: It officially cracks me up too..I guess that makes me just as immature as you!! Wanna go play??
Author sweetjess1951 Posted April 18, 2013 Author Posted April 18, 2013 Exactly. You're tired of being upset and hurt. And contacting him will hurt and upset you, so therefore it's a terrible idea. Contacting him would only be a temporary relief. I'm sure I know what would happen. I'd tell him I missed him. He would say he misses me too, blah blah. Then we will see each other and I'll fall right back into the act like your girlfriend while not receiving any of the girlfriend benefits. If he reaches out to me, I want it to be because he has realized he made a mistake.
ThatJustHappened Posted April 18, 2013 Posted April 18, 2013 Contacting him would only be a temporary relief. I'm sure I know what would happen. I'd tell him I missed him. He would say he misses me too, blah blah. Then we will see each other and I'll fall right back into the act like your girlfriend while not receiving any of the girlfriend benefits. If he reaches out to me, I want it to be because he has realized he made a mistake. Bunny for you! Glad you didn't reach out.
Author sweetjess1951 Posted April 18, 2013 Author Posted April 18, 2013 Well, contacting him will only make you feel more upset and tired. If you are looking to him to comfort that pain you are feeling, unfortunately, he is the source of your pain. Can't put out a fire with fire. And even if you went back, his issues will still be there. He has done nothing to let you know he will work on them. And he's still not sure about having a relationship with you. All that adds up to more pain and hurt for you in the future. I felt like his unsure behavior about our relationship is because he constantly compared me to his ex fiance. We liked the same things, treated him the same way and he always asked me when I would change? That I was almost too good to be true. Apparently she was great to start with but then changed. I always told him what he saw was what he got with me. I'm a little quirky, funny and not afraid to be silly. But I'm also loving and sweet, faithful and honest. And that won't ever change. He was always on the fence about us. One day he would want a relationship with me and the next day, he was scared to death about giving up things (which I never asked him to do). So I felt the best decision was to remove myself from the picture so he could see what it was like to not have me there.
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