The good news about dating after 40

[Disenchantedly Yours]

Better news ladies, there's another peak at 50! Ride baby, ride!

 

What kind of peek? My Mom is in her 50s, a widow and I keep encouraging to date but she is really gun shy. She dated a little bit before my dad but she was with him since she was 17.

 

FitChick, THANK YOU for posting something positive about women. I get weighed down with al lthe negativity around here and find myself reacting to the negativenes off the board myself. But this is an encouraging article where the woman in it is just honest and filled with grace.

[MidwestUSA]

What kind of peek? My Mom is in her 50s, a widow and I keep encouraging to date but she is really gun shy. She dated a little bit before my dad but she was with him since she was 17.

 

FitChick, THANK YOU for posting something positive about women. I get weighed down with al lthe negativity around here and find myself reacting to the negativenes off the board myself. But this is an encouraging article where the woman in it is just honest and filled with grace.

 

 

 

I was, not jokingly, referring to sex. But I suppose the scientific studies would not support that.

 

 

It's more about the freedom of knowing who you are, where you've been and where you want to be. My fiance's daughter is on her own, and he has made it clear to her we will not be available to help if she ends up a single parent. It was very difficult to find someone who is at this same stage and has values, beliefs and interests that agree with mine. And the more you put yourself out there, the more discouraging it becomes, so I understand where your mom is. It's important that she keep up hobbies, clubs, outside interests that keep her in touch with those in her age range, and I wish her luck.

 

 

I guess the message is to not give up, that each stage of our lives brings something new (and often challenging). My parents went into assisted living six months ago, same facility, different rooms, LOL! At each meal, he walks to her room and gets her, then walks her "home" after. The staff is always teasing them.

 

 

As for that other "peak", I'm thrilled to be done with menopause and it's moods! And we have a list (not on paper tho!) of things our respective spouses were not into, and are enjoying crossing them off as we get to them!

 

 

Next, retirement!

[BluEyeL]

Might be hard for a woman in her 50s that never dated to start dating now in this environment. Not sure if you can convince her.

[MidwestUSA]

Might be hard for a woman in her 50s that never dated to start dating now in this environment. Not sure if you can convince her.

To add to that, some people ARE perfectly happy alone.

[clia]

I’m not 40 yet (about a year and a half away), but I have enjoyed dating so much more as I’ve gotten older.

 

When I was in my 20s, I felt so much pressure. Does he like me? Am I good enough? What will he think if I say this, or do this? Is he good enough? I better hurry if I want to get married! Wait, do I want to get married? I don’t think I do, but well, I don’t know. Wait, do I want kids? My 20s really were such a time of learning about myself and trying to figure out what I wanted, which I assumed included a man. My expectations about that man were very high – my checklist was ridiculous. I would next a guy because I didn’t like his shoes. LOL. There was all this pressure to settle down and do what everyone else was doing, and I fell into that…and then luckily came to my senses.

 

As I got older and learned more about myself, got more and more confident, I realized that men are a dime a dozen. There are a lot of wonderful men out there. (There are also a lot of douchebags!) Who cares if this one likes me enough, because another one will be around the corner. Having a six hour long great conversation is wonderful, but I’ll have those with another man if this one decides he wants to be with someone else. Nothing is so special that it can’t be recaptured with someone else. There are millions of men out there. I no longer do things I’m not comfortable doing, just because I feel like I have to in order to keep a guy. I never feel pressured to have sex before I’m ready, because if this guy leaves because he doesn’t want to wait, I’ll just find a guy who is willing to wait until I’m ready. They are out there. I feel completely comfortable with myself and being myself, whereas in my 20s I was so self conscious about certain things. No I don’t care. I be myself, and if the guy I’m dating doesn’t like me, he is free to move on. And I’m free to move on if I don’t like him. No worries either way. I also have learned to appreciate men for what they are. In my 20s, I thought men were so complicated. I really don’t think they are anymore. Mainly, if you have sex with them, make them a sandwich every now and then, and show them you care, they are pretty happy. Most men say what they mean and mean what they say. I appreciate that now. I don’t worry about “forever” anymore. I treasure who I’m with at the time, and if “forever” happens, it happens. If it doesn’t, it doesn’t. Either way, I know I’ll be fine.

 

I’ve also come to appreciate the qualities that are really important in a partner. Shoes don’t matter. Character matters. How he feels about me matters. How he treats me matters. I don’t want the man who will leave me waiting and wondering why he hasn’t called when he said he would call. I want the man who always calls when he says he’s going to call. The best things I learned through trial and error in my 20s was knowing which guys were interested and which weren’t, and knowing when to walk -- and knowing that it’s okay to walk when I’m not happy because another guy will be right around the corner, and even if he isn’t, I am perfectly fine (and almost happier sometimes) on my own.

[BluEyeL]

I’m not 40 yet (about a year and a half away), but I Mainly, if you have sex with them, make them a sandwich every now and then, and show them you care, they are pretty happy. Most men say what they mean and mean what they say. .

 

I read a version of what you said in that guy's book, Harvey.... "Act like a lady, think like a man". Men are simple, all they want is : love, support and the cookie Might be true

[tricolors]

I’m not 40 yet (about a year and a half away), but I have enjoyed dating so much more as I’ve gotten older.

 

When I was in my 20s, I felt so much pressure. Does he like me? Am I good enough? What will he think if I say this, or do this? Is he good enough? I better hurry if I want to get married! Wait, do I want to get married? I don’t think I do, but well, I don’t know. Wait, do I want kids? My 20s really were such a time of learning about myself and trying to figure out what I wanted, which I assumed included a man. My expectations about that man were very high – my checklist was ridiculous. I would next a guy because I didn’t like his shoes. LOL. There was all this pressure to settle down and do what everyone else was doing, and I fell into that…and then luckily came to my senses.

 

As I got older and learned more about myself, got more and more confident, I realized that men are a dime a dozen. There are a lot of wonderful men out there. (There are also a lot of douchebags!) Who cares if this one likes me enough, because another one will be around the corner. Having a six hour long great conversation is wonderful, but I’ll have those with another man if this one decides he wants to be with someone else. Nothing is so special that it can’t be recaptured with someone else. There are millions of men out there. I no longer do things I’m not comfortable doing, just because I feel like I have to in order to keep a guy. I never feel pressured to have sex before I’m ready, because if this guy leaves because he doesn’t want to wait, I’ll just find a guy who is willing to wait until I’m ready. They are out there. I feel completely comfortable with myself and being myself, whereas in my 20s I was so self conscious about certain things. No I don’t care. I be myself, and if the guy I’m dating doesn’t like me, he is free to move on. And I’m free to move on if I don’t like him. No worries either way. I also have learned to appreciate men for what they are. In my 20s, I thought men were so complicated. I really don’t think they are anymore. Mainly, if you have sex with them, make them a sandwich every now and then, and show them you care, they are pretty happy. Most men say what they mean and mean what they say. I appreciate that now. I don’t worry about “forever” anymore. I treasure who I’m with at the time, and if “forever” happens, it happens. If it doesn’t, it doesn’t. Either way, I know I’ll be fine.

 

I’ve also come to appreciate the qualities that are really important in a partner. Shoes don’t matter. Character matters. How he feels about me matters. How he treats me matters. I don’t want the man who will leave me waiting and wondering why he hasn’t called when he said he would call. I want the man who always calls when he says he’s going to call. The best things I learned through trial and error in my 20s was knowing which guys were interested and which weren’t, and knowing when to walk -- and knowing that it’s okay to walk when I’m not happy because another guy will be right around the corner, and even if he isn’t, I am perfectly fine (and almost happier sometimes) on my own.

 

I guess it was the way I was raised, or something...as a man I guess I don't relate to most men.

 

I've never dated anyone I wasn't genuinely interested in, even when I was 19 years old. I never made a woman guess if I really wanted to know her and not just use her for sex or anything else.

 

If I have a six hour conversation with a woman, as in your story, it's a given I'm interested in her and no one else. I can't even imagine putting in the effort and not being interested in her...and I'd hope she was interested in me too.

 

Is it a huge thing, at your age, to really know someone is truly interested in you? Because that's what I'm trying to show to this woman I'm pursuing, who is about to turn 40. I've only known her for a couple of months now, and we've only went out a handful of times...I'm at the part where I've TOLD her I'm interested, and I think I've shown it pretty well...but it'll take time to PROVE I'm interested. Time is the part you simply can't rush any faster than it comes. She was in a much longer relationship than I've ever been in which resulted in a bad breakup and her being single for five years now. So, I'm trying to show her a lot of care and the fact I'm commitment-minded. Obviously, we're at a very early stage of a relationship, and I can't just come right out and say this kind of thing, but I'm trying to show it.

 

Yesterday she invited me to eat dinner with her and her parents at her parents house soon. I'm excited she asked me, but at the same time, naturally, it's a bit nerve wracking. But I think it shows a fair amount of interest on her part, which I was unsure of a couple of weeks ago.

[MidwestUSA]

Tricolors, you sound a lot like my fiancé. You're GF is blessed.

[salparadise]

I know it's cliche but for me the key is to just live a happy life and know that when it happens, it happens. [...] When you want it desperately, you can make stupid decisions and seem desperate in your pursuit. When you relax it's easier all around.

 

 

My experience is similar to curlygirl's, except I started over in my 50s. I think she has a healthy approach. Happiness, in love and life overall, tends to remain elusive when pursued too directly. It's the byproduct of leading a purposeful, integrated life and focusing outside oneself, being committed to something larger than oneself. We attract the kind of love we give - loving and giving unselfishly attracts a deeper, more spiritual and unconditional kind of love to us. To me it's a matter of trying to prepare myself through removing the barriers within, opening the door so that love can come in.

 

“Many persons have a wrong idea of what constitutes true happiness. It is not attained through self-gratification but through fidelity to a worthy purpose.”

-Helen Keller

[tricolors]

Tricolors, you sound a lot like my fiancé. You're GF is blessed.

 

Thanks for your compliment. I try to do the right thing, at least always by action. I don't always say the slickest things, sometimes I get caught up and stammer (I tend to say much sweeter things in e-mail or texts than I do in person, which I notice she does as well,) but ultimately, where it counts, I always do what I say I'm going to do.

 

P.S.,

 

We're not even at the stage yet where I'd dare call her my girlfriend, or even say we're dating. But in time. What is, is, no need to throw labels on things anyway, I suppose.

[clia]

If I have a six hour conversation with a woman, as in your story, it's a given I'm interested in her and no one else. I can't even imagine putting in the effort and not being interested in her...and I'd hope she was interested in me too.

 

You'd be surprised how many men out there will sit and have witty, wonderful conversation with a woman for hours and hours until the woman feels a real connection has been made, and then poof!

 

Is it a huge thing, at your age, to really know someone is truly interested in you?

 

In my opinion, feeling secure in the relationship and how a man feels is wonderful. It helps me relax in the relationship and let my guard down. That said, you don't want to come on like gangbusters. There is always a happy medium in how you express to a woman that you are interested. Mostly, you do it by matching up your actions and words. You are right on about showing her your interest. When you tell a woman you care about her, you follow up by showing her that you care about her. How? You ask her out on dates, you plan nice dates, you bring her flowers, you return her phone calls, you call her when you say you are going to call, you contact her at least every other day, you plan dates with her in advance, you take her out on date night (Saturday night), you make her eggs in the morning, you change her lightbulbs, etc... You don't leave her wondering how you feel about her. You make it clear through few words and a lot of actions -- but again, don't be smothering about it.

 

You sound like you are on the right track with your woman, and you are very right that time is what really solidifies it. It shows that you are in it for the long haul.

 

Yesterday she invited me to eat dinner with her and her parents at her parents house soon. I'm excited she asked me, but at the same time, naturally, it's a bit nerve wracking. But I think it shows a fair amount of interest on her part, which I was unsure of a couple of weeks ago.

 

Yes, this is definite interest on her part. Good luck -- it'll be fine!

[tricolors]

It's weird to me that anyone, male or female, would bother talking for 6 hours and then just disappear. That's goofy.

 

Thanks for the advice.

 

Early on I made it clear I was really into her. I think it freaked her out at first, well, I know it did...maybe because of how I worded it (it really wasn't THAT strong, I simply told her she was unique and special, very sincerely with supporting evidence.) But, her state of shock in that lasted no time...I'm not even sure she thought I was interested in her romantically before, she simply thought I wanted to hang out because I was interested in her culture. Her state of being freaked out lasted no time. We were discussing various this or that at length in the days following that, and we've since went out, and she's since invited me to her parent's house at some point in the near future.

 

I felt like it was a huge weight off my chest telling her I was into her for HER, not the fact I simply like where she's from, or because I wanted simply to hang out with her. It was literally just eating at me that I could tell she didn't think I was into her. I was just anxious over it. So I put a stop to that quickly, and it paid off.

 

So, after that was out of the way, I haven't mentioned it since in words, only actions, since I know I'm understood now. I saw one of her girlfriends while I was out today, and she told me I'm giving (woman in question) what she needs, minor as it is right now. Not a bad sign when she's talking about me to her girlfriends, I reckon.

[BluEyeL]

It's weird to me that anyone, male or female, would bother talking for 6 hours and then just disappear. That's goofy.

 

.

I had this exact thing happen to me a couple of weeks ago. 5.5h long date, great great vibes, wonderful, then a 2h one with kissing and no sex and...poof I've learned my lesson.

 

BTW, you sound awesome, your girl is so lucky! Good luck!

[tricolors]

I had this exact thing happen to me a couple of weeks ago. 5.5h long date, great great vibes, wonderful, then a 2h one with kissing and no sex and...poof I've learned my lesson.

 

BTW, you sound awesome, your girl is so lucky! Good luck!

 

That's a bummer. I just don't get it. But what can you do? Gotta keep trying until you find one smart enough to stick around.

 

Thanks for the compliment again. I try to be a decent person with everyone, not just women...but maybe especially women. I don't even so much "try" as it comes naturally. To me it's not difficult to treat people properly. I don't see why it's so hard for some.

[BluEyeL]

I kinda get it, sort of..... it might have been my fault, I might have acted a bit too eager, although I tried not to. Lesson learned. Can't always blame the other person.

[Disenchantedly Yours]

I was, not jokingly, referring to sex. But I suppose the scientific studies would not support that.

 

 

It's more about the freedom of knowing who you are, where you've been and where you want to be. My fiance's daughter is on her own, and he has made it clear to her we will not be available to help if she ends up a single parent. It was very difficult to find someone who is at this same stage and has values, beliefs and interests that agree with mine. And the more you put yourself out there, the more discouraging it becomes, so I understand where your mom is. It's important that she keep up hobbies, clubs, outside interests that keep her in touch with those in her age range, and I wish her luck.

 

 

I guess the message is to not give up, that each stage of our lives brings something new (and often challenging). My parents went into assisted living six months ago, same facility, different rooms, LOL! At each meal, he walks to her room and gets her, then walks her "home" after. The staff is always teasing them.

 

As for that other "peak", I'm thrilled to be done with menopause and it's moods! And we have a list (not on paper tho!) of things our respective spouses were not into, and are enjoying crossing them off as we get to them!

 

Next, retirement!

 

Thanks MidWest.

 

Do you find you still have a sex drive after menopause?

 

That's really cute with your parents.

[MidwestUSA]

Thanks MidWest.

 

Do you find you still have a sex drive after menopause?

 

That's really cute with your parents.

You're welcome!

 

I have heard that sex drive usually goes radically one way or the other after (or during) menopause. I was lucky (through the roof). My doc did explain the "use it or lose it" to me, and he's right. Not sure how much of it's mental/emotional (being with someone who really does it for me and being highly in tune with my own body) and how much is related to the hormones that good sex produces. I intend to ask at my next visit.

 

 

 

 

 

In any case, I'm having very bit as much fun as I was at 35. Probably more, because so many of my adult responsibilities are completely under control (kids, debt, employment - you know, the minor details!).

 

How long has your mom been alone? What is her outlook? Attitude? I have friends in similar situations who have indeed given up, and it's sad. While most of them are happy for me, there are a couple that harbor resentment/jealousy, which is even sadder.

[pcplod]

knowing that it’s okay to walk when I’m not happy because another guy will be right around the corner, and even if he isn’t, I am perfectly fine (and almost happier sometimes) on my own.

 

That's what I would call "rudimentary equilibrium". It's about as much as it is reasonable to expect from life. Any less, then you are undervaluing yourself; any more and you are not being realistic. It may not be perfect, but then what is?

[SunsetRed]

great article. I love being in my 40s. I'm strong, self confident, know how to keep people from pushing me around. I even better now, as I've learned what weight is best for my body and I'm not wearing the big hair from the 80s and the high waisted mom jeans of the 90s.

[2sure]

I'm 48. Divorced awhile now, have been dabbling in dating again. I'm absolutely gun shy , but am more open to dating various types of men than I was previously open to. Or at least trying to be more approachable.

 

I don't know what I'm looking for. Again.

 

Two weeks ago on vacation in Paris I met a guy. A little younger, 42. I'm meeting him in ny Saturday. I know, totally out there. He was semi planning a visit anyway, so it just worked out. I'm thinking I will have sex with him, didn't in Paris.

 

Clearly going no where. But I definitely had chemistry with him.

[pcplod]

I had this exact thing happen to me a couple of weeks ago. 5.5h long date, great great vibes, wonderful, then a 2h one with kissing and no sex and...poof I've learned my lesson.

 

BTW, you sound awesome, your girl is so lucky! Good luck!

 

May I offer a possible insight? Last woman I met approached me rather than the other way round. I was curious, not having been on the dating scene in decades. I tried to be upbeat, positive, enthusiastic even, even though I wasn't sure. Made suggestions for a first meet. Had them turned down. Asked her to suggest. Tried to meet at her suggestion but missed one another due to logistical reasons, she waited in her car in car park while I looked for her first in car park, outside venue, inside venue and back and forth. Eventually met first time. It was an okay meet, no sparks for me, but pleasant evening. I did a lot of talking (too much) and she responded albeit passively. Her personal manners weren't great but then I might be accused of being a hypocrite if I made too much about that. Tried to arrange a second date, but she kept messing around, not making phone calls when she said she would, ignoring emails for all too long. I have suspicions that she might have been playing a rather cliched, don't-take-it for-granted, not available at the-drop-of-the-hat game that I am frankly too old for.

 

So, bottom line was that we didn't have much in common, not on the same level intellectually, she was clearly undependable and had, well, what I would call a strange air of detachment, disinterest to her. All in all, I thought I need to blow this off sooner rather than later for all sorts of reasons. I seriously thought about simply not ringing her back. After all, I could have justified it considering the way she had already acted. However, I thought, no, I need to make a clean, emphatic break of it for my own sake, no ambiguity involved.

 

So I rang her and simply told her I was sorry but I didn't think there was going to be anything between us and that she deserved to be told that rather than continue to be strung along, that she obviously had complications in her life that made things difficult for her from a practical basis and that she didn't have the time to put into a relationship on a serious basis. It was all a lie because it was not the real reason why I didn't want to continue but I simply couldn't bring myself to tell her the absolute bare truth and it was easier on myself not to. Yet despite all that it was one of the most difficult things I have found myself doing. Maybe I should really get out more!

 

On that basis, it would have been very tempting and all too easy to just blow her off with a sudden "no-contact" approach. To be honest she was no wiser as to the "whys" and the "wherefores" after I had spoken to her compared to if I had just never contacted her again. All she gained out of it was that she wasn't left in limbo.

 

The bottom line was, for me, that I could not treat her like I wouldn't want to be treated myself. It is just that simple for me, imperfect though it might be. I could have found myself being backed into a corner where I would have, more or less, had to tell her unambiguously, that she wasn't "suitable material" to use an awful metaphor. Luckily, she did have the presence of mind, I hope, not to push the issue. She made a couple of feeble excuses for her behaviour, but nothing more strident than that, for which I was grateful.

 

This is my somewhat incoherent explanation of one man's experience of why he might have done a vanishing trick. I'm not trying to infer that it might have been down to you, merely that sometimes people aren't strong or brave enough, in which case you are probably better off that way, or sometimes they just feel compelled to avoid potential conflict which may still be the coward's way out but can you at least see how it might happen? I mean, have you ever contemplated it, or even done it?

[BluEyeL]

May I offer a possible insight? The bottom line was, for me, that I could not treat her like I wouldn't want to be treated myself. It is just that simple for me, imperfect though it might be.

 

I'm not trying to infer that it might have been down to you, merely that sometimes people aren't strong or brave enough, in which case you are probably better off that way, or sometimes they just feel compelled to avoid potential conflict which may still be the coward's way out but can you at least see how it might happen? I mean, have you ever contemplated it, or even done it?

 

Thanks for the insight, it is helpful I've done it too, yes, I've done the no answer just once, and I've done the explanation most of the time, because I don't like to be left in limbo, I want to be told no, yes, I want to be rejected directly . The one time I did the fading, I just answered the very affectionate text rather coldy and did not reply to the last one so he got the hint quickly. But I usually said no to a request of a second date and gave a reason that wasn't real or very ambiguous. For example I've said "we don't have the same level of energy", when in fact the guy was too fat for my taste, or I didn't think his personality matched with mine.

 

For my guy, it comes down to "he's just not that into me", don't need to know exactly why, althogh I am allowed to have my suspicions. I think though that he could have been more into me if I didn't act one way or another, however, I don't know if that would have sustained, so it's better this way. This one finally said without me prompting him (but I admit that I did some manipulation to get him to want to say just that and he took the bite lol I know, I'm brilliant ))), that he'd like to still do things with me as friends because he enjoys our conversations, respects me a lot and has a lot to learn from me, but I know that he might have said that to be polite. I lost my interest in him though at this point anyway so I'm fine one way or another. I think I deseerve someone who really really likes me, and all the rest are practice for when that one comes. And if he doesn't come, that's fine too. I'm taking a small break from dating now (not 100%, still have a couple of men in queue), but I'll be back on match in a month or so and with better knowledge under my belt, and being able to enjoy the interactions more.

Edited April 19, 2013 by BluEyeL

[BluEyeL]

It's funny, one hour ago I went to lunch by myself, and for the first time in three weeks, ran right into this guy I just talked about. He was with another guy, he stopped, beamed at me and said Hello. I waved, smiled and kept walking. So good I was wearing my pencil skirt and did my hair and make up in the morning What did I see in him? )