When he doesn't want to be exclusive .. What do I do??

[Ale khun]

Well I been dating this guy for the past 4 months everything it's great we get along very well , he is really sweet and caring , he constantly says I love you , I like you a lot , bla bla bla. But.... he just won't call me his girlfriend , very time I ask about us , he changes the subject and I honestly feel that he doesn't want to commit and I don't like to be in a waiting position where I'm not sure of what we are , and if is going to take me serious or not .

So I don't know what to do , any advise please !

[Star Gazer]

You ask straight up. If he doesn't want what you want, you walk.

[Treasa]

Well I been dating this guy for the past 4 months everything it's great we get along very well , he is really sweet and caring , he constantly says I love you , I like you a lot , bla bla bla. But.... he just won't call me his girlfriend , very time I ask about us , he changes the subject and I honestly feel that he doesn't want to commit and I don't like to be in a waiting position where I'm not sure of what we are , and if is going to take me serious or not .

So I don't know what to do , any advise please !

 

"Dude, are we in a committed relationship, as in am I your girlfriend? If not, I'm out of here."

[BluEyeL]

What the above posters say. Or, if you want to attempt something before quitting, I read somewhere that you should follow these steps (but I think it's better to just quit him, you shouldn't manipulate someone into committing):

 

1. Act more distant and show him you don't need him (don't be at his beck and call).

2. Stop having sex with him or be unpredictable about sex, have it less often.

3. Show him other men are interested in you.

4. Turn him on, then put him in the friend zone, then take him out again (e.g. you are such a hot guy, too bad you are not boyfriend material)

5. Repeat steps above

6. Dump him.

[Treasa]

What the above posters say. Or, if you want to attempt something before quitting, I read somewhere that you should follow these steps (but I think it's better to just quit him, you shouldn't manipulate someone into committing):

 

1. Act more distant and show him you don't need him (don't be at his beck and call).

2. Stop having sex with him or be unpredictable about sex, have it less often.

3. Show him other men are interested in you.

4. Turn him on, then put him in the friend zone, then take him out again (e.g. you are such a hot guy, too bad you are not boyfriend material)

5. Repeat steps above

6. Dump him.

 

[Els]

Just ask him.

 

Frankly 4 months of dating is a veeery long time to be going without any sort of exclusive relationship IMO. My opinion is that if the guy was into you and wanted a relationship, he would be up for it by then. So chances are, his evasiveness means he is not.

 

As YOU clearly want a R, would be best to cut your losses and leave at this point.

[BluEyeL]

Agreed, a hell lot of work to reach the same dumping conclusion

 

But I know that some really don't want to give up without trying everything, even if it's stupid )

[SJC2008]

Have you all talked about prior relationships? How long has be been single? He's either rebounding, not that into you or has issues with commiting to a R. The botttom line is that he's getting all the benefits of a relationship without having to be in one. Any pulling back or ultimatums have a minimal chance of working if any IMO. It's the mans job to take the relationship to the next level and if he's not he's either not interested or going by that dumb rule where he waits for the woman to bring it up which you already did.

[FitChick]

A friend was dating a guy for three months, then found out he was dating other women. She didn't mention that she knew but on one date said she thought they should start dating other people. He burst into tears. Begged her not to do that. They moved in together and have been happily married for many years now.

[BluEyeL]

How old are you? You sound young

 

Stop seeing him. Say you want a boyfriend and go on your merry way.

 

He likes you enough for your company but not enough to commit.

 

Also, next time someone says I love you in 4 months, run away because most likely is they dont mean it. You cant love someone in 4 months.

I think 4 months are enough to fall in love, why not? You need 2 years?

[january2011]

To my detriment, after I was thrust back into the world of dating, I learned that there's a difference between "commitment" and "exclusivity." Just because you have one, doesn't mean that you have the other.

 

In your OP, you've described his lack of willingness to commit. Being exclusive would mean that neither you nor he is dating/in a relationship with anyone else.

 

So, for additional clarity, is he seeing/in a relationship with other people besides you?

 

In my opinion, after four months, and especially after he has expressed his love for you, he should be able to commit to you exclusively and agree that you are in a relationship. However, he may have a problem with the label "girlfriend." His relationship pace might be different from yours. You need to find out.

 

You don't need to make demands. All you need to do is to express your needs and find out if he can meet them. If he's not willing to or can't, then you need to decide if this is the right relationship for you.

 

From experience, getting over a four-month relationship will be easier than getting over a four-year relationship, where you have invested substantial time, resources and emotions. So, if your timelines, needs, values or relationship goals are not compatible, cut your losses before you get more entrenched.

[tbf]

Well I been dating this guy for the past 4 months everything it's great we get along very well , he is really sweet and caring , he constantly says I love you , I like you a lot , bla bla bla. But.... he just won't call me his girlfriend , very time I ask about us , he changes the subject and I honestly feel that he doesn't want to commit and I don't like to be in a waiting position where I'm not sure of what we are , and if is going to take me serious or not .

So I don't know what to do , any advise please !

You walk...

[Disenchantedly Yours]

Well I been dating this guy for the past 4 months everything it's great we get along very well , he is really sweet and caring , he constantly says I love you , I like you a lot , bla bla bla. But.... he just won't call me his girlfriend , very time I ask about us , he changes the subject and I honestly feel that he doesn't want to commit and I don't like to be in a waiting position where I'm not sure of what we are , and if is going to take me serious or not .

So I don't know what to do , any advise please !

 

It's going to be difficult for you but sometimes being true and honest with yourself and what you need from a relationship is more vaulable then being with someone that gives you feel good feelings sometimes inbetween moments of being scattered and undependable. Your guy sounds undependable.

 

If he won't commit to you, he doesn't love you the way you deserved to be loved. I think he is just saying "I love you" either because he's trying to keep you around for his own satisfaction, or because he means that in his own way but it's not the kind good love you should have between a couple.

 

You already know what you want though because you told us here:

"I honestly feel that he doesn't want to commit.."

"I don't like to be in a waiting position where I'm not sure of what we are , and if is going to take me serious or not ."

 

You don't honestly believe he wants to commit. You want a commitment.

You don't want to be in a waiting position. He is making you wait and kind of playing games.

 

You know what the right answer is. You just have to be strong enough to follow through with what you know your heart is already telling you. Even though you would have liked for it to be different.

[crude]

There's another way to go about things. enjoy the relationship for what it is. If you've enjoyed the last 4 months, leave well enough alone. First he's your boyfriend, then your fiance, then your husband. Learn how to live as an independent woman, If he doesn't need the BF and GF tags, why do you?

Edited April 18, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[tbf]

He doesnt want to commit because he doesnt like you all that much.

Not necessarily although it might be the case. Some guys have either pacing or commitment issues.

 

Regardless, they've been dating for four months. If their pacing or goals differ, it's easier to walk sooner than later.

[Els]

If he doesn't need the BF and GF tags, why do you?

 

Because staying in a fledgling 'relationship' that is only giving the other person what he wants, and not you, IS the definition of being a 'clingy weakling'? :rolleyes:

[Divasu]

What do I do??

 

Well, that depends on the type of individual you are.

 

If you don't mind an open relationship with someone you have feelings for, keep seeing him. Are you okay with remaining in a quasi relationship? Will it provide you with ambition to invest any further? Be truthful with yourself and therein will be your answer.

[salparadise]

1. Act more distant and show him you don't need him (don't be at his beck and call).

2. Stop having sex with him or be unpredictable about sex, have it less often.

3. Show him other men are interested in you.

4. Turn him on, then put him in the friend zone, then take him out again (e.g. you are such a hot guy, too bad you are not boyfriend material)

5. Repeat steps above

6. Dump him.

 

I don't understand - in what way is this different from routine female dating behavior?

[darkmoon]

3. Show him other men are interested in you....yes, just date others as well as him

 

i know how you might be feeling, washed out, sad and weak, and even a bit scared, ffs, you can do so much better than that, i'm sure, with somebody looking for a partner, someone like you, this guy has made clear he doesn't want a partnership, which he might regret it must be said, but not now, so feel free to enjoy some dating, aka, jump before you're pushed, party

Edited April 17, 2013 by darkmoon

[BluEyeL]

I don't understand - in what way is this different from routine female dating behavior?

 

Well it is not different from "dating behavior" because when dating there is no commitment yet, but in OP's situation she is a woman who is committed to a man, sleeps with him, is monogamous with him and shows him how much she cares about him. Therefore her particular behavior is different than the advice I posted and she should change it to "dating behavior" if you want to call it that way. Unless she wants to dump him cold turkey.

[spiderowl]

To my detriment, after I was thrust back into the world of dating, I learned that there's a difference between "commitment" and "exclusivity." Just because you have one, doesn't mean that you have the other.

 

You don't need to make demands. All you need to do is to express your needs and find out if he can meet them. If he's not willing to or can't, then you need to decide if this is the right relationship for you.

This is so true. In my experience most guys want sexual exclusivity (from the woman), but that doesn't mean they want an exclusive or properly recognised relationship. Nor does it mean they are at all committed to the relationship; they just don't want you sleeping around.

 

I have a list of my own that I match guys too. It has some things like 'attractive to me', 'responsible', 'good communicator', but it also has things like 'honest', 'committed to me', 'caring', 'thoughtful', 'going in the same direction', qualities that can easily be overlooked when sexual attraction is at the forefront. Much of it is about how he treats me - how do you want him to treat you?

 

If you make a list then compare him with the qualities on your list, you'll have your answers.

[salparadise]

Well it is not different from "dating behavior" because when dating there is no commitment yet, but in OP's situation she is a woman who is committed to a man, sleeps with him, is monogamous with him and shows him how much she cares about him. Therefore her particular behavior is different than the advice I posted and she should change it to "dating behavior" if you want to call it that way. Unless she wants to dump him cold turkey.

 

Yea, I knew what you meant. I was being a bit flippant. But those behaviors are certainly not unique to the early, non-committed phase. As I read down that list I checked each on off as something I've experienced. Sometimes it's manipulative and sometimes it's just what they feel. I'm sure the privilege of experiencing these is why the guy pays for dates.

[Aerrie]

what the above posters say. Or, if you want to attempt something before quitting, i read somewhere that you should follow these steps (but i think it's better to just quit him, you shouldn't manipulate someone into committing):

 

1. Act more distant and show him you don't need him (don't be at his beck and call).

2. Stop having sex with him or be unpredictable about sex, have it less often.

3. Show him other men are interested in you.

4. Turn him on, then put him in the friend zone, then take him out again (e.g. You are such a hot guy, too bad you are not boyfriend material)

5. Repeat steps above

6. Dump him.

 

i don't understand - in what way is this different from routine female dating behavior?

 

Haha , epic

[Archgirl]

I don 't get the problem OP, you are seeing each other exclusively, you are about each other and he loves you and makes sure you know.

 

That is a committed relationship.

 

It is not necessary to ask someone explicitly to be your girlfriend after you have hit puberty. It tends to come off a immature and a bit controlling.

 

That is perhaps why he is resisting you pushing him. Stop trying to control and enjoy the journey.

[Revolver]

You need to move on. Contrary to popular belief guys don't take long to become exclusive with girls they really value.