Will I get a second first chance?

[JimmyB26]

I'm almost done with my second of three years of law school. I'm an older student, mature, established, going on scholarship, at the top of my class. About a month ago the school held an admitted student evening for the students considering matriculating in the fall. I attended and towards the end strolled up to a beautiful young college senior, who was there with a guy. Susan we'll call her. Susan never introduces him as anything more than a "plus-one," so I keep it professional. I offer her some advice about the following year, we have a long ranging conversation, the three of us, and I showcase my personality. She told me I gave her the best advice of the night. I give her my card and tell her that I hope to see her in August and think nothing of it. I had a date to get to anyway.

 

Three days later, I get a text on my phone from Susan. She asks me a random question that there was really no point in asking other than purely to open communication. I answered it, and then waited a day, and started flirting to test the waters. She's receptive. We texted again later that week. Make plans to get a drink the following week. Continue having long, late-into-the-night flirtatious conversations. She's asking me questions, calling me an incredible smooth-talker, wanting to know all about me. She finds out that my summer firm job is only a short distance away from where her family's cabin will be and starts talking about the summer and how much I'll get along with her siblings. She invites me on Snapchat, she sends me pictures. It's going in that direction.

 

A day before we're supposed to have drinks she cancels on me, said she had to take an extra shift for work, which she'd warned me ahead of time she might have to do. She asked me for a raincheck and then later kept on asking me to take her up on the raincheck the following week. We make plans again, and then she tells me that for the past year she's been breaking up and making up with the guy she introduced me to, and he just made her promise to give it one last real try, and she agreed, and she'd feel bad if she went out with another guy two days later. I was charming and graceful about it, and we just continued texting. Then she asked me to call her and we talked for an hour.

 

The next day, two days after we were supposed to go out, she says she's about a block from the law school in the afternoon, and if I'm free, I could stop by and see her. So I go. She buys me two beers and we talk for about 3 hours, and we're really enjoying each other's company, even holding hands a little bit. She gives me more details on the break-up rollercoaster, and it sounds like he wants it more than she does. She says she's told him that we were talking - though not everything. Anyway, I walk her out, and he strolls up to take her out for the night. We shake hands, and they're off.

 

I get texts from her apologizing if it was awkward, and I take it gracefully. Then I got a couple of Snapchats from her that night, nothing untoward, just cute pics. Then later on, stuff like "I like you a lot more than I want to :-/" and "I'm anxious to see you again" and "I think you are very rare" and we vaguely set up something for the following week. The next day I shoot her a text that I was buying stuff for my apartment for the summer and "thinking about nights on the balcony with drinks, music, and awesome company." The next day she asks me to call her and won't tell me why.

 

I call her, and she essentially says that while she's figuring out her situation right now, she doesn't think it's the right time to be talking to someone else. I play along. I empathize, and agree that I should give her the space she wants. She thanks me, and says she'll see me "at least in August."

 

Let me address the moral critics right now:

1. If she hadn't told me that they'd been breaking up and making up for a year, I wouldn't have done ANYTHING. As it is, I let her lead most of the time.

2. I didn't and don't want a rebound with her. I have finals coming up anyway and while I alluded to some summer fun, I thought it would give her the necessary time to finalize her decision and start the healing process.

3. He's done making her happy. He made her promise to try one last time. Yes all three of us are being selfish in different ways, but he's the only one trying to hold someone back out of guilt or whatever it is that he's pulling who obviously isn't getting what she needs out of the relationship. Even if she wasn't with me, this young woman is about to take on the world and is impressive enough to do it and bust out of this dead-end relationship, and this guy is dead weight holding her back because he probably knows he'll never land someone like her again.

 

I've stepped back. I've given her the space that she needs and that she wants. I'm pursuing other women and plan to have a very fun summer and at the very least I'll see her again in August. Flirtation or not, she ultimately proved to be a class act and did the right thing.

 

Here are my questions:

1. Have I set myself up and made enough of an impression to be the guy she calls on when this inevitably ends and she's ready for something new?

2. Would she go as far as to delete my number, lose my card, and give up any way to contact me so as to avoid temptation, or will she keep me in her phone and just not use it until she's ready?

 

Ultimately I know I cannot and should not force anything with her now or put any pressure on her. I just want to set myself up as the guy she's clamoring for next.

[january2011]

1. Yes, in my opinion, you are a "backup guy." But most likely for emotional support, to help her through her breakup, and not for sex or a relationship.
   
2. Answers would be pure speculation. As far as I know, none of us have mindreading skills and there's nothing in your OP to suggest that you were anything more than a mild flirtation.
   

You're overthinking this. I agree that you can still enjoy your summer. If something happens with her, then something happens with her. But yes, be wary of becoming a rebound if you are looking for a relationship out of this.

[Simon Phoenix]

Yeah, you seem like a backup plan. And as much as you want to vilify the guy and absolve her, she's the one who keeps agreeing to see him again. It takes two to make that happen and if she truly values whatever connection she made with you, she wouldn't have taken him up on the "give it one last real try" proposal. It seems like you are filling in the emotional gaps right now and I wouldn't count on her choosing you if her current relationship dies.

[todreaminblue]

I'm almost done with my second of three years of law school. I'm an older student, mature, established, going on scholarship, at the top of my class. About a month ago the school held an admitted student evening for the students considering matriculating in the fall. I attended and towards the end strolled up to a beautiful young college senior, who was there with a guy. Susan we'll call her. Susan never introduces him as anything more than a "plus-one," so I keep it professional. I offer her some advice about the following year, we have a long ranging conversation, the three of us, and I showcase my personality. She told me I gave her the best advice of the night. I give her my card and tell her that I hope to see her in August and think nothing of it. I had a date to get to anyway.

 

Three days later, I get a text on my phone from Susan. She asks me a random question that there was really no point in asking other than purely to open communication. I answered it, and then waited a day, and started flirting to test the waters. She's receptive. We texted again later that week. Make plans to get a drink the following week. Continue having long, late-into-the-night flirtatious conversations. She's asking me questions, calling me an incredible smooth-talker, wanting to know all about me. She finds out that my summer firm job is only a short distance away from where her family's cabin will be and starts talking about the summer and how much I'll get along with her siblings. She invites me on Snapchat, she sends me pictures. It's going in that direction.

 

A day before we're supposed to have drinks she cancels on me, said she had to take an extra shift for work, which she'd warned me ahead of time she might have to do. She asked me for a raincheck and then later kept on asking me to take her up on the raincheck the following week. We make plans again, and then she tells me that for the past year she's been breaking up and making up with the guy she introduced me to, and he just made her promise to give it one last real try, and she agreed, and she'd feel bad if she went out with another guy two days later. I was charming and graceful about it, and we just continued texting. Then she asked me to call her and we talked for an hour.

 

The next day, two days after we were supposed to go out, she says she's about a block from the law school in the afternoon, and if I'm free, I could stop by and see her. So I go. She buys me two beers and we talk for about 3 hours, and we're really enjoying each other's company, even holding hands a little bit. She gives me more details on the break-up rollercoaster, and it sounds like he wants it more than she does. She says she's told him that we were talking - though not everything. Anyway, I walk her out, and he strolls up to take her out for the night. We shake hands, and they're off.

 

I get texts from her apologizing if it was awkward, and I take it gracefully. Then I got a couple of Snapchats from her that night, nothing untoward, just cute pics. Then later on, stuff like "I like you a lot more than I want to :-/" and "I'm anxious to see you again" and "I think you are very rare" and we vaguely set up something for the following week. The next day I shoot her a text that I was buying stuff for my apartment for the summer and "thinking about nights on the balcony with drinks, music, and awesome company." The next day she asks me to call her and won't tell me why.

 

I call her, and she essentially says that while she's figuring out her situation right now, she doesn't think it's the right time to be talking to someone else. I play along. I empathize, and agree that I should give her the space she wants. She thanks me, and says she'll see me "at least in August."

 

Let me address the moral critics right now:

1. If she hadn't told me that they'd been breaking up and making up for a year, I wouldn't have done ANYTHING. As it is, I let her lead most of the time.

2. I didn't and don't want a rebound with her. I have finals coming up anyway and while I alluded to some summer fun, I thought it would give her the necessary time to finalize her decision and start the healing process.

3. He's done making her happy. He made her promise to try one last time. Yes all three of us are being selfish in different ways, but he's the only one trying to hold someone back out of guilt or whatever it is that he's pulling who obviously isn't getting what she needs out of the relationship. Even if she wasn't with me, this young woman is about to take on the world and is impressive enough to do it and bust out of this dead-end relationship, and this guy is dead weight holding her back because he probably knows he'll never land someone like her again.

 

I've stepped back. I've given her the space that she needs and that she wants. I'm pursuing other women and plan to have a very fun summer and at the very least I'll see her again in August. Flirtation or not, she ultimately proved to be a class act and did the right thing.

 

Here are my questions:

1. Have I set myself up and made enough of an impression to be the guy she calls on when this inevitably ends and she's ready for something new?

2. Would she go as far as to delete my number, lose my card, and give up any way to contact me so as to avoid temptation, or will she keep me in her phone and just not use it until she's ready?

 

Ultimately I know I cannot and should not force anything with her now or put any pressure on her. I just want to set myself up as the guy she's clamoring for next.

 

 

 

...if she is classy she wont contact you again.....

[JimmyB26]

Todreaminblue, you're entitled to your opinion, but insulting me is uncalled for. Like I said, if the relationship didn't seem to be on its last legs, I wouldn't even have bothered.

 

Simon Phoenix and january, like I said, I'm talking to other people too, and I stepped back when she asked me to step back. In fact, I've gone silent until she's ready to get in contact with me, and even then, I'll be wary. She knows she'll see me in August one way or another anyway, so I expect some testing of the waters then, if not before. So right now, if I'm her backup guy, I'm not really bothered by it.

 

Did I realistically think I would be, or want to be, the catalyst to end their relationship? No. And I think she doesn't want a what-if scenario to haunt her. She wants to find out if the relationship should continue or end on its own terms rather than with the presence of a third party.

 

I just sensed a very strong connection, and from what she has said to me, she did as well.

 

She could have easily strung me along and used me for emotional support or simply stopped responding, or abrasively told me to get lost via text. But to get on the phone and explain it to me takes a certain amount of respect and desire to communicate with the other person and let them know that the timing is unfortunate, which I appreciated. And she certainly appreciated how I'm handling it - giving her her space. That's why I think there's something to be said for our connection.

[Simon Phoenix]

Todreaminblue, you're entitled to your opinion, but insulting me is uncalled for. Like I said, if the relationship didn't seem to be on its last legs, I wouldn't even have bothered.

 

Simon Phoenix and january, like I said, I'm talking to other people too, and I stepped back when she asked me to step back. In fact, I've gone silent until she's ready to get in contact with me, and even then, I'll be wary. She knows she'll see me in August one way or another anyway, so I expect some testing of the waters then, if not before. So right now, if I'm her backup guy, I'm not really bothered by it.

 

Did I realistically think I would be, or want to be, the catalyst to end their relationship? No. And I think she doesn't want a what-if scenario to haunt her. She wants to find out if the relationship should continue or end on its own terms rather than with the presence of a third party.

 

I just sensed a very strong connection, and from what she has said to me, she did as well.

 

She could have easily strung me along and used me for emotional support or simply stopped responding, or abrasively told me to get lost via text. But to get on the phone and explain it to me takes a certain amount of respect and desire to communicate with the other person and let them know that the timing is unfortunate, which I appreciated. And she certainly appreciated how I'm handling it - giving her her space. That's why I think there's something to be said for our connection.

 

I think you might be overstating the significance of her explaining it to you. It could simply be her not wanting to be an ******* to you. I'd be careful about reading too much into that.