D-Day stories

[Goodbye]

Please share your D-day stories. How the discovery happened. What were the consequences. Have you healed and moved on? If you were the BS, are you able to truly forgive and live in a functioning marriage?

 

Thanks so much. I'm just trying to understand.

[Goodbye]

I'm glad you've moved on. So you knew of your H's affair before he revealed it and filed for divorce? Just trying to get all the players straight...

[underwater2010]

I found out with a simply message on facebook....dug further. Asked if he wanted to stay. Told her husband. We are still a family unit...sometimes I feel we limp along. Consequences....lack of trust from me, guilt on himself but we are still under a year out.

[Goodbye]

Thanks for sharing underwater. What did you see on facebook? It sounds like you are in the process of recovery, I wish you well.

[Goodbye]

Do you live in a fault state for divorce?

[canuckprincess]

Please share your D-day stories. How the discovery happened. What were the consequences. Have you healed and moved on? If you were the BS, are you able to truly forgive and live in a functioning marriage?

 

Thanks so much. I'm just trying to understand.

 

After more then 5 years of a intense loving PA/EA my mm decided in order to give me more of his time he would need to tell his wife about our relationship. So needless to say that didn't go as well as we had hoped. His bs freaked out and rightfully so. She said he could never see or speak to me again. Have I healed, well no have I moved on well no. That's all I can say on this open forum because some of the betrayed spouses become very nasty to the ap's even on a support forum for ow and om. Go figure!

[underwater2010]

A simple message that just looked off....I confronted from that because it was just enough to make me feel crappy. Then I dug through his computer and found tons of messages, videos and pics of her. I am one of the lucky few that the EA was over before I found out.

[Got it]

His talks of divorce tripped the switch, she started going through files and found ALLLLL the phone bills that were neatly filed in his office and went into his email with pretty much the same passwords he used elsewhere.

 

Dday happened, I walked away (it was at the end of my deadline anyway so I was already planning an exit stage left), he moved out a few months later and in with a friend, we started dating again, and time went by and we just got married.

[TheOW]

A simple text saying "I know your F**king my husband" and BAM utter chaos, destruction, anger, hatred, stalking, confrontations almost violent, ... still not over yet but things have calmed down in our town im no longer the Scarlet woman and goldigger

[canuckprincess]

His talks of divorce tripped the switch, she started going through files and found ALLLLL the phone bills that were neatly filed in his office and went into his email with pretty much the same passwords he used elsewhere.

 

Dday happened, I walked away (it was at the end of my deadline anyway so I was already planning an exit stage left), he moved out a few months later and in with a friend, we started dating again, and time went by and we just got married.

 

Finally, I consider your story a OW happy ending.

[lynn1954]

Please share your D-day stories. How the discovery happened. What were the consequences. Have you healed and moved on? If you were the BS, are you able to truly forgive and live in a functioning marriage?

 

Thanks so much. I'm just trying to understand.

 

My H and I had been married for 22 years, to me it seemed like a basically happy marriage. I was totally unaware that he had fallen in love with his co-worker, and was having a physical and emotional affair with her.

 

On Sunday morning, my son and I went to church, expecting to be gone about 3 hours. Instead, we were only gone about 30 minutes then came back home. H had brought his OW into our home. I saw OW's purse and coat, but my son did not. Son went to our basement family room. I called upstairs to my husband, and he came down. I confronted, he admitted, I went to the basement to make sure that my son didn't know what was going on while H got OW out of the house.

 

On Sunday, Monday, Tuesday we discussed. I was certain that I could forgive and save marriage, and I hoped he would choose that. On Wednesday he admitted to himself and to me that he did not love me any more, he did love her, and he wanted a divorce.

 

I was devastated, but I knew immediately that it was a done deal. There's a Bonnie Raitt song that describes it accurately "I can't make you love me if you don't. You can't make your heart feel something it won't."

 

He moved into an apartment, we got divorced, and he married the OW. They're happily married to this day.

 

Throughout the separation, divorce and post-decree (after divorce) I went through every typical and understandable emotion: anger, grief, loss, regret.

 

I was separated for 2 years, and now divorced for 5 years. Our divorce proceedings were non-hostile, and they moved slowly because OW was also married with children, so H did not need to rush because he had to wait for her divorce as well. Actually, 2 years is a rather typical length of time for a divorce, though some go faster and some even slower.

 

All of us adults acted very appropriately as far as my children and her children were concerned. I am most proud that I looked out for myself but also protected my children from the worst aspects of a divorce, avoiding some of the trauma that happens to children sometimes in a divorce.

 

I'm positive that I would've been able to forgive and save my marriage if H's affair had been a brief fling or mid-life crisis mistake that he regretted. If he still loved me and if he had wanted to save the marriage, I would've. I still loved him, but his love for me was gone, so I was not given a choice nor opportunity to keep the marriage.

 

Eventually I adjusted to being divorced, and now I'm stable and happy again.

 

Thanks for asking and thanks for listening!

Edited April 17, 2013 by lynn1954

[waterwoman]

H like a bear with a sore head for months, distant and hostile at times, hugely affectionate and sexual at others. No patience with children. Started to spend a lot of time socialising with work colleagues out of work - I was exhausted and struggling with depression and didn't want to go with him. End of June he started telling me about these 'stupid' rumours going around at work about him and T. I asked if there was any truth and he said no, of course not. I was uncomfortable so for the first time in my life 2 days later I looked at his phone. Reams of text between him and her - 'I love everything about you' was one classic . I tackled him and apparently he was 'just being supportive because she was having a bad time'....oh really. Anyway .... that night he lay next to me in bed and told me quite calmly and sadly that he didn't think he knew if he wanted to stay with me. Said the same the next morning - very gentle and concerned. I went to bathroom and threw up. Got a friend over to listen to me bawl - he rang her when she was with me to see if I was OK, he heard me crying and came home from work, held me very very tight, said he was sorry and he realised he could never leave me.

 

24 hrs of calm until I found the courage to ask him what exactly had been going on. 6 m EA, he loved her but never really meant to leave or live with her, he just got scared of having to deal with the mess he had made. He had texted her when I found the texts to tell her it was over and had repeated that message in person the next day.

 

Cue rollercoaster. 9 months down the line we are together and she is ....well I don't know, her life seems to be chaotic as far as we can tell. We are doing OK, MC and IC and lots of talking and loving, but I am NOT making any final decisions as to our future yet. It's my turn to be in charge and I won't be railroaded.

[Got it]

Finally, I consider your story a OW happy ending.

 

Well since it is argued here plenty that people only come looking for forums when they are unhappy or needing help you might want to hold off on that judgment.

 

Seriously though, I do want to caution that while yes we are together, and are married, it can be a very long, hard, bumpy road to get to this point. And this point is not an end point but just a beginning that needs a healthy foundation. It also took me walking away. But he paid for us heavily and will continue paying the price for years to come. Things are light years better but especially if there is a dday it is one tough row to hoe. And it did impact his children as they were aware and in the middle of the divorce proceedings. But having the affair did not help his relationship with them. He continues to rebuild things. And there is a great deal of animosity on both sides with his ex now after everything. His ex was and continues to be very bitter even years later. It got to the point where he was having to look into parental alienation due to things.

 

Relationships are tough even on the best of terms. What dMM and I agree on is the affair showed us the good and the bad of the other party and how much we continued to actively love each other each day and invest in our relationship. Starting as an affair was not ideal and we have done both IC and CC to help us. And we recognize and know the pain we caused others.

 

I love him, I love him more than I ever could imagine. He is just beautiful to me. And I know how much he loves and adores me. But I also know that it came with a price. And that really does temper things.

Edited April 17, 2013 by Got it

[Goodbye]

You sound very grounded and I'm glad things turned out well for you.

[HopingAgain]

Well since it is argued here plenty that people only come looking for forums when they are unhappy or needing help you might want to hold off on that judgment.

 

Seriously though, I do want to caution that while yes we are together, and are married, it can be a very long, hard, bumpy road to get to this point. And this point is not an end point but just a beginning that needs a healthy foundation. It also took me walking away. But he paid for us heavily and will continue paying the price for years to come. Things are light years better but especially if there is a dday it is one tough row to hoe. And it did impact his children as they were aware and in the middle of the divorce proceedings. But having the affair did not help his relationship with them. He continues to rebuild things. And there is a great deal of animosity on both sides with his ex now after everything. His ex was and continues to be very bitter even years later. It got to the point where he was having to look into parental alienation due to things.

 

Relationships are tough even on the best of terms. What dMM and I agree on is the affair showed us the good and the bad of the other party and how much we continued to actively love each other each day and invest in our relationship. Starting as an affair was not ideal and we have done both IC and CC to help us. And we recognize and know the pain we caused others.

 

I love him, I love him more than I ever could imagine. He is just beautiful to me. And I know how much he loves and adores me. But I also know that it came with a price. And that really does temper things.

 

I probably could have written this word for word! Main difference is I am the former WS in that scenario, currently BS in new marriage with former OM.

[HopingAgain]

D day was 3 months ago. I found out when he hit "answer" instead of "ignore" on his cell phone, which was hellish for me to hear them talking, but also fortunate in that I was able to confirm several details such as length of the affair, level of physical intimacy, emotional intimacy,etc. I confronted him and he began trickle truth and immediate no contact, but I had the upper hand knowing several details from both of them firsthand from the overheard phone conversation, so he quickly realized trickle truth was useless and began to come clean. We are reconciling and she is out of our lives but the healing is just barely starting to begin for both of us. I was a WS at the start of our relationship, so I do understand affair dynamics and that has helped me on the road to forgiving him and also in moving forward.

[TheOW]

So, not really a happy ending then.

 

Um I would say it is a happy ending for them, they are happy and in love with each other, they want to be together and fought to be so.

 

So yes a happy ending indeed, some MM will stay within their marriages and be unhappy while others have the balls to end it and truly be happy.

[Got it]

So, not really a happy ending then.

 

 

 

Since my life isn't over I don't like to say ending by a far stretch. Just another turn of the page as the book continues to be written.

 

What is the point to your comment?

[Got it]

Um I would say it is a happy ending for them, they are happy and in love with each other, they want to be together and fought to be so.

 

So yes a happy ending indeed, some MM will stay within their marriages and be unhappy while others have the balls to end it and truly be happy.

 

It is what it is. We made the decision to move on. We are happy now. I don't begin to surmise if he is now truly happy more or less than before and vice versa.

 

We work well together. We seem to speak the same language and our personalities are compatible (more so than I know I was with my ex). But I have learned it is what you put in each day that makes the relationship healthier. I have learned how important it is to feed it, and nurture it, and just plain focus on it even with all the other challenges that life gives us.

 

For today it works. And I am happy. I don't tend to surmise that anything about the rest of our lives is etched in stone. We have made changes and decisions that we want to hold to but you never know what life is going to throw at you.

 

All I can do is control myself. Be the person I want to be, act the way I want myself to act and love the way I want to love. I know now what I expect out of a marriage/relationship, how I want both parties to fight for and prioritize it. I will do that, focus on the positive, be aware of my boundaries and evaluate each day as it comes. And then just roll with the punches.

[Got it]

That a happy ending implies that everyone got to walk away and be happy.

 

Who is everyone?

 

Paper - your feelings are well known on affairs. How much are you going to beat this dead horse?

 

Do I need to even start trying to quantify "ending", "happy" and what it all means?

 

I think at this point it is best to reserve judgement as there hasn't been enough time to make a reasonable evaluation.

[waterwoman]

Because his wife's head would fall off, his children would spontaneously combust and the members of the golf club would blackball him.

 

Probably.

[loredo21]

DDay was last July. I never in a million years thought it would come so soon. Only mere months into the A. ExMOM wife called me on his phone. Told me she found FB messages between us. Asked if I slept with her husband. Asked if I had kissed her husband. I hung up. She and I then texted the rest of the day. I came clean and answered any question she had for me honestly. I knew I had to tell my H. He came home from church and I sat him down and told him. He was devastated. Livid. He immediately left and went to see OM. (I didn't know this until days later) The next day I texted OM trying to get answers and an explanation. something. All I got were a few nasty texts telling me to leave him alone and he loved his wife. The usual. His wife then called me one last time to tell me whatever me and her husband had was over and they were going to work on things. I was broken-hearted. I left the next day for a road trip to clear my head. By the time I arrived at my destination I had been blocked from everything. And haven't heard from him since. (minus a few tiny breadcrumbs and running into him about a month ago)...H and I separated for like 7 months and have decided to R. it is not going that well.

[Got it]

Lots of peoples on this sites feelings are well known on affairs, including yours. Must be a lot of dead horse beating going on

 

Actually I am interested to hear your take on my view on affairs? What do you think it is?

[lifelesson101]

Discovery was swift and firm. From comments he made before discovery I was concerned his wife was suspicious for a while. One day we had our usual two-a-day warm and friendly phone calls with "I love yous." The next day I got a text saying she knew everything. After the text came a two sentence email saying how bad things were for him at home and we would have to go no contact. That was three months ago and I have not heard a peep and I have made no attempt to contact him.

 

We had a long term affair and talked openly and honestly about the possibly ending it. We were both free to leave and made no promises. I have no problem with the fact he ended it - none at all. I have a problem with how he did it.

 

As one of the other posters stated, if he were to contact me now, I am so angry, I would be inclined to tell him to eff-off, and go straight to . . .

[MissBee]

Please share your D-day stories. How the discovery happened. What were the consequences. Have you healed and moved on? If you were the BS, are you able to truly forgive and live in a functioning marriage?

 

Thanks so much. I'm just trying to understand.

 

I didn't have a dday, but I am healed and moved on though