what can i do about my ex who is the father of my unborn child

[ycart]

please help really need advice if any1 can help im 8 months pregnant and not with the father but we remained friends up until about a month ago the last time i spoke to him he said he was sorry for everything that had happened between us he said he thought we should think about moving in together and he wanted to come to the birth i was really pleased cause id really like to get back together on and off he has been seeing a 17yr old psycho we are both 24 that night was the last time i have spoken to him he changed address and no although i have managed to track him down he doesnt know this i sent a letter to his mums to ask what he wanted to do about the baby to which ive had no reply and ive heard hes been seeing this girl again i am really confused because weve always got on so well even when wed split and like i say the last time i saw him hed had a complete turn around and really wanted to try i am so hurt and upset i dont know what to do id like to get this sorted before the baby arrives it also hard as he has a daughter from a previous realationship and sees her so why does he not want our child do you think i should leave this matter and not contact him or try to get in touch to work something out????????????

[Naive]

I think the best thing would be for you to talk to him, not through letter, but in person. Your baby deserves a father just like the other child. If he does not want to be involved in the baby's life then put him on child support. It takes two to tango. If you say that he has always been cool with you then find out what exactly is going on so that you can now how you should proceed.

[ycart]

hi,

 

thanks for your advice i do want to try and speak to him i just dont know the best way to do it as i am not supposed to know his adress and i dont have his phone number i know i shouldnt really worry as it is him who is childish and cant speak to me face to face but im so scared of going to the house and him kicking off 4 me knowing where he lives or him just being really nasty dont know if i should do it or not

any ideas????????????

[emra]

I know it is very hard going thru a pregnancy alone. I had to with my 2nd child and my kids father was sleeping with a 19 year old. That was his priority, it was never me nor our children. I tried talking to him and it was always, ALWAYS my fault. He accused me of getting pg intentionally, completely ignoring the fact that we used a condom. It was a mess. My biggest regret, I never talking to him in-depth about it, to be able to say hey what is going on. And to express me feelings and now, I never will be able to do that.

For your child's sake, you need to talk to him. If you aren't suppose to know where he lives, call his mom's and see is she can help out. Be honest and sincere. If she doesn't want to help you get in touch with him thank her for her time. That way you don't look like you are trying to cause problems.

You and your child deserve this.

If that doesn't work, I would say, you need to do what you have to just to take care of your child. You do not want to bring in everyone and anyone in on this sort of battle. That is not a good thing.

Yes, it takes 2 to tango, however, you can not force someone to be there if they don't want to be. The only thing you can do is love the child with all your heart and take care of it the best way possible.

[ycart]

hi

 

thanks so much for your reply its good to hear from someone whos been in a similar situation up untill now it as not been too bad of a situation at first he said that he wanted me to have an abortion but then he came round to the idea and like i say the last conversation was really positive but now nothing i just dont know whats happened and just wish he would face up to things and we could talk everything through im just so worried about turning up on the doorstep and it all going horribly wrong to be honest if im going to do it ive been thinking that tonites the night im just trying to muster up the courage now

 

thank you for replying

[emra]

Honey, if he doesn't want you to know where he lives, I would advise you to stay away. You do not need to endanger yourself or your child. I know that it is hard to not want to do it, believe me there were many times, I had wanted to do it. But I did not. You may never know his reasoning for doing this. Maybe it is better off. I don't know. My children's father killed himself 4 years ago. Course, in his letter to my children he blamed me.

The one thing I learned going thru everything I did with him, was I had to take care of myself and my girls. If he was hiding, I learned, there is always a reason and maybe you should take it as, there is something going on, that you should not be a part of and that it could be something seriously bad and you will only get hurt worse.

Everything happens for a reason, it may be unknown to you right now. Sooner or later you will figure it out.

[ycart]

thanks i may be aswell to stay away it is just hard but it sounds like you have been through alot and have alot of experince to be honest it is making me feel ill thinking about going round so it may be best if i leave it for the mo

[Naive]

I think you have the right to go to his house, not to cause problems, but to find out what exactly does he want. If he acts like an a** then you get out of there and never look back, but at least you know that you tried for your child's sake. It will be tough to be on your own, but you will not be the first woman to do it or the last.

 

Like emra said you can't force someone to do something they don't want to, but you can't just give up like that until you know exactly what's going on. If he's irresponsible and does not care that you are having his child then you walk away knowing that you did your part. However, if he has another child and was there for that one why would he not be for yours?

[Joyce]

Dear Ycart,

 

I am extremely confused by your situation. You posted a reply to my question I Should I tell my husband about my affair and you asked for my advice. You told me you are married and you had an affair and you are not sure who the father is. I did reply to you but your story caught my interest so I read through all of your posts which left me confused. From what I can gather the OM is addicted to drugs and wants nothing to do with you. If you are not sure if he is father and you are still married you need to leave him alone. He should not be ignoring you but you can't expect him to be there if you are not even sure if he is the father. It sounds like you are obsessed with this OM and you need counseling. Don't use your baby as an excuse to keep the OM. If this is his baby he does need to support it but he does not have an obligation to be with you. I really think you should tell your H and leave the OM alone. After your baby is born all of you need to get tested figure out who the dad is and move on from there. If you are seeking advice you need to tell the whole story.

[Naive]

Ok if things are like that then it's a different story. I don't think what I suggested really applies to this scenario.

[ycart]

hi joyce

 

you know how my story started with the affair etc and where im at now sorry to have confused people its jst that its really hard to go back and write all this from the start as it is so complicated deep down having checked dates etc i know the om is the father of my child i just havent wanted to admit this to myself i am still with my husband and as i say i do care for him still very deeply and i know that when this all comes out which it will as these things always do it will hurt him much more than it would have if id have had all this out with him 6 months ago i asked my mum at the time if i should tell him and she wouldnt let me she said that the baby could still turn out to be his or even though he as an idea about all this that he may not ask for a dna test then i can put all this behind me and pass the child off as my husbands at first i thought maybe she was right but i cant do it i feel i am cracking up i cant live with this sort of secret my husband worships me and i also have a beautiful 4yr old son by him who in turn worships his dad so i thought this was best to keep us together as a family but now i know its wrong i m scared of the birth i dont want to put my husband through that i do love the om i know i shouldnt as he is a waste of space he said he wanted us to live toghether have the baby and make a go of things he wanted me to leave my husband but i didnt dare as i was scared he wouldnt be there for me and i was also thinking of my son so i told him id got a place i hadnt but i just wanted to test his reaction that was the last time i saw him even though that nite he promised to be there for me it was like i thought he wasnt i do feel i have every right to be angry with the om as he knows the child is his he has admitted that he is certain of this himself but still he hasnt got in touch with me and that does hurt i may be obsessed with him i admit that and i know i can not force him to be with me i just want him to be there for our child i dont think that is too much to ask i know half of this is my fault but he has also caused it just as much as me and has now run away i feel for my unborn child as one day i will have to explain all this also why she has a half sister that her dad sees but he wont see her that cuts me up i know i should tell my husband now but im so scared i have a few weeks till the baby comes and im so scared i wont be able to cope with everything all at once i just cant see any way out of any of this everyone is telling me to forget theom and stay with my husband pass it off as his and live happily ever after but things dont work like that i would be lying to everyone including my child for the rest of our lives i cant think straight at the moment i have my own travel buisness which is slipping as i cant bring myself to work i feel like im drowning i know i probably sound like a complete psycho or a bitch that deserves the mess i have made but im not i just got in too deep and cant get out now you know everything if you have any advice i would really appreciate it sorry to have mislead anyone

[Breathe]

So you cheated on your husband, got pregnant by OM and your ponning the baby off as your husbands? You need some serious therapy. You first need to stop lying to yourself and to others. Be honest with everyone involved. You may lose both men - but you are hurting everyone by what you are doing, including your children.

 

Your worried about what your baby may think about the dad because he has another child he's with and not him/her.... maybe you should be worried that your child is going to know that mom cheated - mom lied - and so on. Stop concerning yourself with what others are doing or aren't doing and start taking some responsibility for your own actions. Make a change for the better and do right (if not for yourself than for the kids).

[ycart]

i know i have made plenty of mistakes but i do regret them until you have been in a situation it is easy to to see just the bad side and i do see that that is what it looks like but i didnt enter the affair just for abit of fun or a fling i was friends with this man for seven years and i loved him that is no excuse i know and i have regretted it ever since i have sent myself crazy with this and the reason i didnt leave and ive tried to make my marriag work is for my son

 

when we become a mother we do not stop being a person

 

we all have opinions and i am still grateful for yours as alot of what you say i have thought of myself

[Joyce]

I have learned from my own experience that honesty is best. Don't let your H go on believing and thinking he is the father. You know that is very wrong and since other people know your H will find out. I know it is scary but tell him. You admit to making mistakes but now it's time to face them. All mistakes have consequences. You can't take back your mistakes but you can certainly learn from them. After all this is over with you will be a better and stronger person for having been through all of this.

 

As far as the OM... Yes he is responsible for his actions too but you can't make him be a father. My suggestion is to have the baby have everyone get a DNA test and then go after him for child support.

 

It seems to me like you are still trying to justify your actions. Stop trying to justify your lies. You have more people than yourself to think about.

[Joyce]

I have a question... How can you expect the OM to grow up and face the consequences of his actions if you still can't face your own?

[ycart]

you are probably right and i know that i am being extremly selfish my main reasons for not telling my husband are fear of being alone and fear of the consequences i know it needs to be done but when is the best time and how

[Joyce]

I would tell him as soon as possible. Make arrangements for your son to go over to a friends house or somewhere else. I told my H I needed to talk to him about something very important that would drastically change our lives. When I told him I did not tell details. I just told him the basics. He was blown away. He left for a while. I gave him his space. When he came back I asked him if he had any questions and I answered all of them. I offered to pack my stuff. I told him I was in the wrong and I don't blame anyone for it. I told him I loved him and I would do anything to keep him but ultimately our future from this point on was his choice . I told him that I could not have kept living a life with him based on a lie.

 

It's not easy. It will be hard for a long time and everyone involved has a lot of work to do. He might leave you but you are a strong person and you can always turn to your family if you need to. You really will be happy that you told the truth. I was and still am. I really started to loose focus on life too. I am going back to school and couldn't concentrate on any of it... I couldn't even pay my bills. It really is a big weight off the shoulders because then you can start working on the the things that really matter in life... like your kids and showing your H that you still love him by telling the truth.

 

So now that you have read my advice. Are you really going to tell him? If so when?

[Naive]

NOW, I understand why the "father" is running away from you. I'm not going to say that it's acceptable if there is a chance he is the father, but he probably does not think he's the dad and with a reason.

[ycart]

yes i will tell him at weekend when our son is away the om has admitted that he is 100 percent he dad

[Joyce]

I hope you really do tell him.

 

The fact that the OM has admitted he is the dad doesn't matter. He obviously doesn't want to be a part of it. I know that is hard on you but you need to think about your baby. I am a step mom and the mother to my (step) kids walked out on them and the best thing my H ever did was move on with his life and showed them all the love he possibly could. My kids don't even remember their mom and they are better off not knowing her. She made the choice and she is the one missing out on knowing them. That is what the OM is doing with your baby. The best thing is to move on and focus on your kids.

[Naive]

Originally posted by Joyce

I hope you really do tell him.

 

The fact that the OM has admitted he is the dad doesn't matter. He obviously doesn't want to be a part of it.

 

I totally concur.