PersianPrincess Posted April 17, 2013 Posted April 17, 2013 I want to believe my LD boyfriend so bad but his friend told me he's cheating on me I've been together with my bf for over 2 years. I am 26, he is 30. He works in the military but he is coming to visit me in my country this coming May. He told me he's gonna spend only 5 days with me and said he can't stay longer than that because he has to go back to the US soon after. But last night his friend told me that my boyfriend filed for a month vacation leave and will stay in my country for 28 days, not 5 days! He also told me that my bf has been talking online to different women in the past months and he's going to see them too (he said not as girlfriends but new female acquaintances) but still, duh!? We are facebook official and all his family and friends know that I AM his girlfriend. For over 2 years of daily communication and the overwhelming amount of time that we cried together, laughed together and talked about our future together. I can't believe he can do this to me. I love him and I'm invested on us. I don't know what to do. What's the proper way to confront him about this? What should I ask and how? I don't want to be all bitchy and throw him accusations but I want to know the truth. I don't want to believe his friend but his words won't leave my head!
LittleTiger Posted April 17, 2013 Posted April 17, 2013 Hi PersianPrincess. Welcome to LS - sorry for the situation you're in. If your relationship is a committed one, you know each other well and you are planning a future together, then direct and honest communication is always best. If I was in your shoes, I would tell your boyfriend exactly what his friend told you and see what his reaction is. How good a friend is this friend of his? Could the friend have a motive for trying to break you up? He must have known when he told you that there was every likelihood you would talk to your boyfriend about it, so that's a risky thing to do if they are good friends and he's not telling the truth. If this friend is also your friend, he may just be very concerned about the way your boyfriend is treating you. I'm also wondering how it is that you communicate with your boyfriend on a daily basis. Is it by phone, text, email, Skype? Are you able to see where he is when you're talking? If he does have to go back to the US, did he say why? Is he supposed to be going back to work? Are you able to see where he is when you talk? The other red flag might be whether this is 'normal' length of visit. How long does he usually stay with you? Do you pick him up from the airport? Do you drop him off? If he was staying in your country for a lot longer than his visit to you, would that be easy for him to hide? Is he usually trustworthy or have you had reason to doubt him in the past? I think in situations like this your instincts will guide you to some extent, but the best thing to do is just ask him. 1
Author PersianPrincess Posted April 17, 2013 Author Posted April 17, 2013 Hi PersianPrincess. Welcome to LS - sorry for the situation you're in. If your relationship is a committed one, you know each other well and you are planning a future together, then direct and honest communication is always best. If I was in your shoes, I would tell your boyfriend exactly what his friend told you and see what his reaction is. How good a friend is this friend of his? Could the friend have a motive for trying to break you up? He must have known when he told you that there was every likelihood you would talk to your boyfriend about it, so that's a risky thing to do if they are good friends and he's not telling the truth. If this friend is also your friend, he may just be very concerned about the way your boyfriend is treating you. I'm also wondering how it is that you communicate with your boyfriend on a daily basis. Is it by phone, text, email, Skype? Are you able to see where he is when you're talking? If he does have to go back to the US, did he say why? Is he supposed to be going back to work? Are you able to see where he is when you talk? The other red flag might be whether this is 'normal' length of visit. How long does he usually stay with you? Do you pick him up from the airport? Do you drop him off? If he was staying in your country for a lot longer than his visit to you, would that be easy for him to hide? Is he usually trustworthy or have you had reason to doubt him in the past? I think in situations like this your instincts will guide you to some extent, but the best thing to do is just ask him. Hi thanks, LittleTiger. Yeps, it's a committed relationship, it is to me. His friend is not my friend. He only seen me a few couple of times when my boyfriend was talking to me on Skype and he was hanging out at his place. We communicate using Skype/Viber and Phone call/text when we're both at work and the internet is down. We see each other through Skype every night. We sleep together on it. He said he has to move back home in the US for bigger chances for promotion but his friend told me he didn't sign the reenlistment papers and he's out on June. I am now confused and I am wondering what is he really going back home for and why did he have to lie about it. We used to spend 2 to 3 weeks together. I don't pick him up at the international airport. I don't live in the mainland so I can only pick him up from the domestic airport near my town. He has been a trustworthy boyfriend. It's the first time in 2 years that one of his friends came to me and told me bad stuff about him. My boyfriend has always been so heartfelt telling me how much he loves me and he could never hurt me but gah I feel so bad right now. I don't know what to do. We will talk later tonight, I'm not sure what to say to him, and how do I start. It's hard.
LittleTiger Posted April 17, 2013 Posted April 17, 2013 If you see each other on Skype every night, wouldn't it be difficult for him to hide where he was? If he's meant to be back home wouldn't you be able to see that on the video? How did this friend of his contact you if you hardly know him? Did he go out of his way to get a private message to you or did he tell you this while your boyfriend was there? There is clearly something 'out of the ordinary' going on - even if it's just his 'friend' trying to cause trouble. Perhaps you could ask your boyfriend to extend his time with you. If you don't see each other very often and you usually spend two or three weeks together, it wouldn't be unreasonable of you to 'double check' if a longer period would be possible. I really do think you need to have a heart to heart - and it needs to be on Skype where you can see his face and gauge his reaction. Just bring the topic up in a non-confrontational way. Perhaps say that there is something you need to share with him or that you've heard something recently that has upset you a little. Then just tell him straight what his friend told you and take it from there. Long term relationships only survive on open, honest communication. If you feel something is wrong (whatever the reason), you need to share it and deal with it together.
Treasa Posted April 17, 2013 Posted April 17, 2013 Can you just ask your boyfriend why this person who hardly knows you is saying all this stuff? Listen and observe closely.
justwhoiam Posted April 17, 2013 Posted April 17, 2013 (edited) He told me he's gonna spend only 5 days with me and said he can't stay longer than that because he has to go back to the US soon after. But last night his friend told me that my boyfriend filed for a month vacation leave and will stay in my country for 28 days, not 5 days! What's the proper way to confront him about this? I don't think there's a proper way, rather viable ways. What should I ask and how? If I were you, I guess I wouldn't ask anything. I would rather tell him I had a great idea on how to be together for a longer time span, that is flying with him to the US, making it clear that he doesn't have to worry if he doesn't have a place for me where to stay, I will stay in a hotel. If he's working, we can meet when he's off work, lunches, dinners or whenever. Tell him you already reserved the flight from day x to day x, but with flexible dates if there's any adjustments required, and you are preparing the papers. He should jump for joy. If he doesn't, you'll know something's up. He also told me that my bf has been talking online to different women in the past months and he's going to see them too (he said not as girlfriends but new female acquaintances) but still, duh!? We are facebook official and all his family and friends know that I AM his girlfriend. Being official on FB is something, at least, but not enough in itself to prevent him having stories on the side. If you have access to his computer, the one he chats from with Skype, there's a file that you can open without any password or anything and it contains all the screen names that are on his Skype list. If he uses a phone, I guess no file, but you said you use your phone only when the Internet is down. If he chats from FB.... I need to think about it a little bit more... but you can try all the rest in the meantime and see what happens. What LT said makes sense... but it's also easy to hide if he wanted to... (the room you see through Skype). I don't pick him up at the international airport. I don't live in the mainland so I can only pick him up from the domestic airport near my town. This is an additional measure you could take to further maximize the time together: picking him up at the international airport and dropping him off there (I know it's a waste of money, but better that than the risks you described). We will talk later tonight, I'm not sure what to say to him, and how do I start. It's hard. Don't be impulsive saying anything that will ruin your chances of finding out anything. I am sure the best way it's knowing the truth from him, but how you get to that is a different story. He might deny to the extreme. Now you don't have any certainties, just suspicions. P.S. it's clear you should know his flight details (international flights: airline, number, time, day, etc). Ask him to send you a copy of the email confirmations, for you to keep as a reminder. Edited April 17, 2013 by justwhoiam
Els Posted April 17, 2013 Posted April 17, 2013 Definitely agree that talking to your bf is the best way for you to know more. You don't even have to do it in an accusatory manner; a simple, "Hey, X told me all this crap about you! What's up with that?" You should preferably do this when you meet IRL, so you can observe facial and body expressions. If that is absolutely out of the question for a long time, then ask when you are both on webcam. 1
LittleTiger Posted April 17, 2013 Posted April 17, 2013 If I were you, I guess I wouldn't ask anything. I would rather tell him I had a great idea on how to be together for a longer time span, that is flying with him to the US, making it clear that he doesn't have to worry if he doesn't have a place for me where to stay, I will stay in a hotel. If he's working, we can meet when he's off work, lunches, dinners or whenever. Tell him you already reserved the flight from day x to day x, but with flexible dates if there's any adjustments required, and you are preparing the papers. He should jump for joy. If he doesn't, you'll know something's up. Interesting idea justwhoiam. Not a very believable story though I wouldn't think. Presumably, unless their communication is atrocious, he will have some idea about her commitments and the likelihood of her booking a flight back to the US (and a hotel) without discussing it first! Also, if he's in the military, I don't imagine he can just hop off the base whenever he feels like it to meet his girlfriend for lunch etc, and she will already know that. Being official on FB is something, at least, but not enough in itself to prevent him having stories on the side. If you have access to his computer, the one he chats from with Skype, there's a file that you can open without any password or anything and it contains all the screen names that are on his Skype list. If he uses a phone, I guess no file, but you said you use your phone only when the Internet is down. If he chats from FB.... I need to think about it a little bit more... but you can try all the rest in the meantime and see what happens. This is snooping! I would think a simple conversation would be better before getting involved in detective work. In my view, once you've starting this kind of 'research' the relationship is probably on the rocks. What LT said makes sense... but it's also easy to hide if he wanted to... (the room you see through Skype). It isn't easy to look as though you are in your usual room at home - not unless you take a photograph of the backdrop and blow it up to poster size and stick it up behind you wherever you are! This is an additional measure you could take to further maximize the time together: picking him up at the international airport and dropping him off there (I know it's a waste of money, but better that than the risks you described). Again, if you feel you have to resort to such measures, the relationship is probably over. I merely asked about pick up and drop off to find out if was possible for him to travel elsewhere in her country, without her knowing, rather than flying home to the US - and clearly it is. Don't be impulsive saying anything that will ruin your chances of finding out anything. I am sure the best way it's knowing the truth from him, but how you get to that is a different story. He might deny to the extreme. Now you don't have any certainties, just suspicions. He might deny everything, but she still has to ask him first. 1
justwhoiam Posted April 17, 2013 Posted April 17, 2013 (edited) Interesting idea justwhoiam. Thank you Presumably, unless their communication is atrocious, he will have some idea about her commitments and the likelihood of her booking a flight back to the US (and a hotel) without discussing it first! I'm all for discussing things first, but this guy didn't even mention his plans. He put his cards on the table when everything seems already set and done... as his friend mentioned, you need to file in advance to ask for permission and get all the papers in order... Why didn't he mention anything before? That's not reassuring. And he can't complain about her making decisions.............. Also, let's be honest, what boyfriend would not welcome his girlfriend for a couple of weeks? Even if it meant he can be with her just a few days or a few hours now and then? I don't imagine he can just hop off the base whenever he feels like it to meet his girlfriend for lunch etc, and she will already know that. She can stay near the base and they can meet when he has time... and anyway, she's not going to do that for real, right? I mean, she can, but not necessarily. This is snooping! I would think a simple conversation would be better before getting involved in detective work. In my view, once you've starting this kind of 'research' the relationship is probably on the rocks. On the rocks... probably. But I wouldn't define it as snooping. If she were trying to access his chats, then yes, you'd be right. But that's just a standard file on his PC that anybody can open. It isn't easy to look as though you are in your usual room at home - not unless you take a photograph of the backdrop and blow it up to poster size and stick it up behind you wherever you are! Ha! No, that's not what I meant. It's clear that he can turn things whenever with her, like: - I can't videochat right now, I'm on duty/there are people around... - I'm in a hotel room right now, my friends insisted that I should take a couple of days off to spend with them before getting back to work... I mean he can have a ton of reasons... even the cam broke... if he wants to take a week for himself somehow............. Again, if you feel you have to resort to such measures, the relationship is probably over. Making sure about a rumor before asking openly seems enough safe and might save her from: - him feeling accused - him starting fights/arguments with his friend So, is it necessary? It depends... let's understand a few things before anything. If her suspicions have enough ground (like him getting nervous, insisting she doesn't fly to the US, absolutely not going to the international airport, not giving copies of his flight reservations, then something is up, and she can ask. She can ask whenever, but if she does it now, she might not get to know the truth. And if I were in her shoes, I'd need to know the truth. Edited April 17, 2013 by justwhoiam
darkmoon Posted April 17, 2013 Posted April 17, 2013 it's possible that the friend is trying to split you up by trying to put you off your boyfriend because he wants to steal you away from him tbh, i can't think why he's be this disloyal as to betray his freind, and go to the trouble of getting you alone to talk to you about it, sneaky
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