hinatticus Posted April 17, 2013 Posted April 17, 2013 (edited) I've posted my story in the break ups section, but now it's time to post in the second chances section. I figure with all the breakups going on I just wanted to give some hope. Second chances do happen! We officially decided 2 days ago that we are going to try again. I've put in so much work and its finally paying off. My ex is going to counseling and that should help out immensely. I've spent the last 14 months really working on myself. She finally believes me that the change will stick. She is still kind of bitter and scared but we believe counseling will fix that. The important thing is she's very serious about trying again. I can't believe it's finally happening! It'll be a long road and hard work to make this relationship better. I'm determined not to screw it up again. Edited April 17, 2013 by hinatticus 3
Author hinatticus Posted April 17, 2013 Author Posted April 17, 2013 Thanks for the hugs owlsoul It's been such a long journey up to this point. Many setbacks but I kept my head up. It was a totally unconventional way to win her back but it worked. I think the biggest thing that worked for me was saying I will change and then actually changing. Lots of time had to go by so she could see the change stick. Just to let you guys know, I did lc the whole time. The longest I went without seeing her was maybe 2-3 days. We texted frequently as well. Also, we even dated other people. Strange times.
Skalabanan Posted April 17, 2013 Posted April 17, 2013 You are going to get bombarded with questions, so beware Congratulations, do keep us informed of your progress because that's something we rarely get to see on here. I got my ex back through LC too, this time it's NC and we both know our time together is up, the best we hope for is friendship one day. 1
jjjman Posted April 17, 2013 Posted April 17, 2013 Congrats !!! Hope everything works out for you two . I m happy to see couple that do decide to work together instead of just letting a relationship go. Just a few questions hinatticus, after you two broke up, did you try to let her know that you still love her and want to try again? My ex gf broke up with me 2 and a half months ago (she is seeing someone now). Do you advice me to let her know how much I still love her and how much I wanted to change and win her back? Thank you!
TaraMaiden Posted April 17, 2013 Posted April 17, 2013 Thanks for the hugs owlsoul It's been such a long journey up to this point. Many setbacks but I kept my head up. It was a totally unconventional way to win her back but it worked. I think the biggest thing that worked for me was saying I will change and then actually changing. Lots of time had to go by so she could see the change stick. Just to let you guys know, I did lc the whole time. The longest I went without seeing her was maybe 2-3 days. We texted frequently as well. Also, we even dated other people. Strange times. The bolded part is what counts. Unconventional, would be right - but I hope it works. I'm always the first to say 'never go back' but if it was strong for both of you - and it's a mutual effort, and it's paying off - well, it's ticking all the boxes. The key thing is, that you both seem to want this as much as each other. This is vital. And rare. Good luck. 3
paras1te Posted April 17, 2013 Posted April 17, 2013 Where you the one to initiate the reconciliation ? Did she really say I made the biggest mistake I want you back (As most nc guides tell you?, because I think this never happens)
Author hinatticus Posted April 17, 2013 Author Posted April 17, 2013 The bolded part is what counts. Unconventional, would be right - but I hope it works. I'm always the first to say 'never go back' but if it was strong for both of you - and it's a mutual effort, and it's paying off - well, it's ticking all the boxes. The key thing is, that you both seem to want this as much as each other. This is vital. And rare. Good luck. I've seen your many posts Tara and at first I thought I was going to get an ear full from you;) but the bolded part is very true and very rare. The key to making this work is that it has to be a new relationship. I believe it will be stronger because I've done my part; I've accepted and owned up to my faults and I've changed. The greatest feeling came when my counselor said she was so impressed with my "recovery". I was in a domestic abuse program and she told me I wasn't so much as an abuser but a guy with bad behavior. She told me it was rare to find a client who worked so hard to becoming a better person. My ex wants to change and I believe she will. She doesn't need the rigorous therapy I went through so it should be a bit of an easier counseling session. I hope it all goes well.
Author hinatticus Posted April 17, 2013 Author Posted April 17, 2013 Congrats !!! Hope everything works out for you two . I m happy to see couple that do decide to work together instead of just letting a relationship go. Just a few questions hinatticus, after you two broke up, did you try to let her know that you still love her and want to try again? My ex gf broke up with me 2 and a half months ago (she is seeing someone now). Do you advice me to let her know how much I still love her and how much I wanted to change and win her back? Thank you! I personally wouldn't advise that in your situation UNLESS she left you because you didn't show enough love. If you in fact were the reason she left and she felt like she loved you more than you loved her. In my case my ex tried for so long but we had a son and I neglected her. I treated her badly and she kept asking me if I loved her as much as I said I did, why did I treat her badly. I had many reasons why I behaved the way I did. I was also resentful towards her but I'm past that now. In your case, correct me if I'm wrong, but she may have gigs. My first love went through that and nc was the way to go. She eventually came back but the relationship only lasted another year. Neither one of us fixed our problems and we both didn't work hard enough on the relationship. Good luck to you
Author hinatticus Posted April 17, 2013 Author Posted April 17, 2013 Where you the one to initiate the reconciliation ? Did she really say I made the biggest mistake I want you back (As most nc guides tell you?, because I think this never happens) As I've stated my situation is different than most here. My ex left because of me. Neither of us dated for almost a year. That to me showed that she left me not because of someone else but she had to really force herself to leave. She was hurt badly. I was the one that had to redeem myself. After the emotional dust settled I became a healthier person, one that she wanted to get to know again. She realized that I was dead serious in changing my behavior. I asked and reasoned with her for months but then came a point where I just had to accept things. I tried my best to just be positive around her and take all her anger on the chin. She was very resentful for many many months. I did my best to stay neutral. I didn't let things escalate. I was very respectful of her and her choices. Again, my situation is different than most so take anything I say with a grain of salt.
jjjman Posted April 17, 2013 Posted April 17, 2013 (edited) I personally wouldn't advise that in your situation UNLESS she left you because you didn't show enough love. If you in fact were the reason she left and she felt like she loved you more than you loved her. In my case my ex tried for so long but we had a son and I neglected her. I treated her badly and she kept asking me if I loved her as much as I said I did, why did I treat her badly. I had many reasons why I behaved the way I did. I was also resentful towards her but I'm past that now. In your case, correct me if I'm wrong, but she may have gigs. My first love went through that and nc was the way to go. She eventually came back but the relationship only lasted another year. Neither one of us fixed our problems and we both didn't work hard enough on the relationship. Good luck to you Thanks for the reply Hinatticus ! Im not sure if she has gigs but she did tell me that I wasn't being un-supportive of her and she felt like she was "the man" of the relationship. She said carried most of the weight of our relationship during the latter part of our relationship and I wasn't showing her enough affection. She said she lost spark because of the above reasons and other little things that I did. Yes, come to think about it she did ask me if I still love her a few times and she also said I was being cold to her. However, I always assure her that I still love her everytime she mentioned it. We were together for nearly 4 years and we have talked about moving out and getting marry or even kids. She kinda blindsided me with the break up. We still have some form of contact because we share mutual close friends and it is difficult to go NC. Hinatticus, so do you think I should still let her know for my case? Im 25 and she is 24. Edited April 17, 2013 by jjjman
Author hinatticus Posted April 18, 2013 Author Posted April 18, 2013 (edited) Thanks for the reply Hinatticus ! Im not sure if she has gigs but she did tell me that I wasn't being un-supportive of her and she felt like she was "the man" of the relationship. She said carried most of the weight of our relationship during the latter part of our relationship and I wasn't showing her enough affection. She said she lost spark because of the above reasons and other little things that I did. Yes, come to think about it she did ask me if I still love her a few times and she also said I was being cold to her. However, I always assure her that I still love her everytime she mentioned it. We were together for nearly 4 years and we have talked about moving out and getting marry or even kids. She kinda blindsided me with the break up. We still have some form of contact because we share mutual close friends and it is difficult to go NC. Hinatticus, so do you think I should still let her know for my case? Im 25 and she is 24. Personally I find no harm in letting people know how you feel. Just don't be a sap about it. Have some dignity. If I were you, I'd let her know how you truly feel and if changes need to be made make those changes. Those changes have to be for you though. To make you a better person. You guys are both young and I believe young love rarely lasts. Just do what you think is right so you can go on living with no regrets. Just don't do the whole sappy thing. You know, flowers, cards, poems, showing up at her front door or worse, her place of work. Just let her know how you feel and accept that it's over. Heal yourself. If you're too emotional right now you are in no place to reconcile. Both parties need lots of time to cool down. Hope that helps and good luck. Edited April 18, 2013 by hinatticus
singme2sleep Posted April 18, 2013 Posted April 18, 2013 I'm just curious...have you been with or dated anyone else since you were apart for more than a year? Do you know if she has? And if so, does it bother you?
Author hinatticus Posted April 18, 2013 Author Posted April 18, 2013 I'm just curious...have you been with or dated anyone else since you were apart for more than a year? Do you know if she has? And if so, does it bother you? I've dated and she has too. Doesn't really bother me too much. We were broken up after all. Neither of us dated for almost a year though. We even traded sex stories which was bizarre. I think since so much time passed and we remained friends/co parents it didn't hurt as much. I also think the work I've done on myself made me a more mature person to handle those things. 3
Author hinatticus Posted April 19, 2013 Author Posted April 19, 2013 We're going on our second, first date tonight;) 1
TaraMaiden Posted April 19, 2013 Posted April 19, 2013 Enjoy, relax, and just take things one step at a time. I'm sure I don't need to say any of that, but... Ya know....
Compromize Posted April 19, 2013 Posted April 19, 2013 I wish you both the best! Not saying good luck because luck has nothing to do with it. Makes me want to reach out to my ex and try. But I know that in our case I showed her all the love in the world and treated her very well, I can't do anything else. We ended due to circumstances that will not change anytime soon. You got the golden ticket so many of us here hope and pray and wish for. Make us proud! 1
Author hinatticus Posted April 20, 2013 Author Posted April 20, 2013 Things are going nice and slow. She is just having a shower right now and we're probably just gonna go and get some drinks. We took our son to her mom's and did a little shopping and ate some food. She is still kinda shy around me. Her words. She actually gave me a kiss last night so that is huge! I haven't kissed her in 14 months! We're hugging more and more, but I understand this will be a slow process. How crazy is it going to be when I have sex with her again! She's actually excited about continuing our previous dream; giving our son a sibling. We already have a boy and girl name picked out. Thanks everybody for the encouragement. I wish some of the posters were still here from when I first joined. They know how badly I screwed up. 1
na49 Posted April 20, 2013 Posted April 20, 2013 As someone who also just recently got back with his ex after 5+ months of NC, I know how it feels to be starting slow. Best of luck to you!
Kobe2345 Posted April 20, 2013 Posted April 20, 2013 DAMN... congrats bro! ENVY!! haha i wish this would happen to me soon too haha !
Author hinatticus Posted April 25, 2013 Author Posted April 25, 2013 My ex and I have had a couple bumps so far, but it's stuff that should get worked out through counseling. It's funny, my ex has her first appointment with her counselor on Monday and I'm also going in to see my counselor that day. Here's a question for all you super secure non jealous folk. At what point do you say that it's crossing the line when your gf/bf hangs out one on one with the opposite sex(they tried dating but they're just friends now). In my case my ex views people as people. Male female doesnt matter to her. In the last two weeks she's gone out at 11:30pm and stays out past 3am during the week. They text frequently(almost everyday, several a throughout the day), but never phone calls. I'm trying to be ok with it but what I'm comfortable with is what most people are comfortable with, the occasional text and hang outs in group settings. Sure the odd one on one hang out is fine but not going out at 11:30 and coming home past 3am. Im also not cool with her seeing this guy once a week. She's fine with me seeing my "girl" friends once a week though. She is a mother As well, there are certain responsibilities. She claims it's who she is and she's doing nothing wrong and I should accept her the way she is. I know this is something for our counselor, but I'm curious what your boundaries are regarding one on one hang outs.
OwlSoul Posted April 25, 2013 Posted April 25, 2013 I'm curious what your boundaries are regarding one on one hang outs. - not telling when they hang out; - when they're hanging out in restaurants/something romantical; - when they hang out at late night; - if this person appeared in his life AFTER the break-up
Simon Phoenix Posted April 25, 2013 Posted April 25, 2013 One on one late night is a bit of a red flag. I'm not an expert on male-female platonic friendships (I have a few, but it's not something I strive for), but generally hang out with female platonic friends in a bigger group. When I do hang out with them one-on-one (which is rare), it's usually during the day for lunch or coffee or something. And like OwlSoul said, it also depends on how long the male friend has been in their lives. My last ex has male friends dating back 10-15 years -- those guys wouldn't have bothered me if she was hanging out with them (though she wasn't since they live out of the area) because I figure that anything that could happen between them either a) already has or b) never was in the cards after all that time. But if it was a guy she met recently, that'd be a bit more concerning.
Author hinatticus Posted April 25, 2013 Author Posted April 25, 2013 She met him recently. The thing with her is that she only sees people as people. She is very trustworthy and loyal. My boundaries are that the texts are occasional, group hang outs preferred but I'm cool with one on one maybe once or twice a month during the day. I'm not at all worried about her being unfaithful, I'm more concerned that ill get less quality time with her. She is very social.
OwlSoul Posted April 25, 2013 Posted April 25, 2013 I'm more concerned that ill get less quality time with her. She is very social. Mmm, I do not think there is any way you could affect it. Trying to affect it = being possessive. The best way to go is probably to not be bothered by it and not to allow it to affect your behaviour or trust. Once you start bothering about what your significant other feels, it gonna end bad. I have this kind of concerns too from time to time. But I get mad at myself that it makes me feel worried, so it does not last more than a minute. I really do believe that cheating and etc. happen as a result of the relationship getting unbalanced, not the reason.
Recommended Posts