Superdude87 Posted April 17, 2013 Posted April 17, 2013 I'm really confused and I feel like I'm at a crossroads with my current gf. I feel like what it basically boils down to is that on paper we are great together. We both have similar goals, both are intelligent, hard working people with good careers and who want kids, family, etc...Unfortunately, I feel no PASSION or spark with us. We've been dating over a year, and I feel like it really hasn't been there at all over that time. For some reason I've put up with it, and sometimes it really didn't bother me, but lately the idea of her and I moving into together has been thrown around and it has made me completely reexamine our relationship. Last night was the first night in which I really didn't even enjoy having sex with her. It just seems so...bleh. I don't know how to put it into words. She is pretty tame and shy, and definitely not an affectionate person, so sex between us is pretty standard. She never really compliments me, tells me I'm sexy, tells me she's turned on, any of that...only ever via txt. In bed, it'd be nice to feel like she wants me, is turned on, is actually enjoying herself. It's just not there. The other part is that since she is so busy with school, work, other obligations, she never has free time for "us" to go have fun and make some happy memories together. We see each other enough, several times a week for a few hours, but it's usually get together later in the evening, make dinner, watch a movie or study/do homework. She always has somewhere to be in the morning, something to do, works full time and I feel like there is just no relationship outside of our responsibilities. I want to look back in 20 years and have a TON of amazing memories with my wife/girlfriend, I don't see that happening with this one. She can never budge when it comes to her schedule and honestly I don't think she sees a problem with this. And even when we have gone on vacation or taken trips, she just doesn't seem to be having a good time. It's really bizarre. I'm to the point now where I don't even WANT to try to plan trips/vacations/activities because I don't have fun when we've done it in the past. THIS SOUNDS TERRIBLE WHEN I SAY IT OUT LOUD. This is not how a good relationship is supposed to be, right? It's not like she treats me bad. We have enough in common to get along fine, but I feel like it's more of a business partnership. It's terrible. Even now when we kiss or have sex, especially in the last, I just don't really feel much of anything. Should I end it?
SalientPoint Posted April 17, 2013 Posted April 17, 2013 I think it really depends on whether there was ever a spark there and for how long. If you guys used to be really into each other, but it faded, then have you talked to her and told her all the stuff you told us? Maybe she'd be willing to compromise or spice things up, but she doesn't know how you feel? If you've never really been that into her, or if you've tried to tell her many times how you feel and she can't or isn't willing to compromise, then I think it's totally fair to break up. You guys sound somewhat young, so it's a good idea to find out what kind of people you want to be in a relationship with, and I think as long as you don't lie/cheat on/lead her on, it would actually be kinder to her to be honest with her and let her know what the deal is if there was never any significant feeling there.
Author Superdude87 Posted April 17, 2013 Author Posted April 17, 2013 Yeah, I feel like we were both into each other at the beginning but it wasn't like "head over heels, crazy sparks of passion" into each other. She is just kind closed off and doesn't show affection, but insists she loves me and is really happy. I do love her and care about her, but I don't feel that I am "in love" with her...at least not anymore. I've felt complete and utter passion with people I've dated, and unfortunately this doesn't compare. On the other hand, there are so many amazing qualities about her that I haven't found in another girl. We've talked about some of these issues before, especially the whole "having time for each other and having fun" and it hasn't improved. We are both busy with school/work, so it's fairly understandable, but she usually just shrugs it off and says, "that's just how it is, we can't really do anything about it". Why not? Why can't we? The sex/passion thing is a touchy topic to bring up, we have talked about it once or twice but I may have sugar coated it too much to get the point across. She is aware of how I feel, and tries to be more affectionate, but it's hard to feel like it's not forced. I don't want her to do it just because she knows I want it, I just want her to WANT to do it.
OwlSoul Posted April 17, 2013 Posted April 17, 2013 You are not crazy, because millions of people go through the same ass you do. It's normal. yeah, like the previous poster said, if there was a spark at the first time, then it worth of talking and discussing. And even there was not, it is still preferable to sit and talk about your concerns. You are probably suffering from holding your feelings. Is it true if I would say that the only thing bothering you most is the lack of passion? There should be something, if you guys were dating for 1 year. Was she the one who suggested to move together, btw? Does she notice any changes in your behaviour, how does she responds?
SalientPoint Posted April 17, 2013 Posted April 17, 2013 Mmm, yeah I think it's fair to go with your gut then and end things. I mean, only you can know if it's " right " or not, but in terms of validation I wouldn't blame you at all. It may be hurtful to her, but if there's no chemistry there and she's not willing to work on things then your hands are pretty much tied.
OwlSoul Posted April 17, 2013 Posted April 17, 2013 Mmm, yeah I think it's fair to go with your gut then and end things. I mean, only you can know if it's " right " or not, but in terms of validation I wouldn't blame you at all. It may be hurtful to her, but if there's no chemistry there and she's not willing to work on things then your hands are pretty much tied. The thing is that the 'gut feeling' is not permanent. It might change over the time, so he might feel he made a mistake and etc. Chemistry remains for a long time, it's rather a psychological thing in my point of view.
SalientPoint Posted April 17, 2013 Posted April 17, 2013 The thing is that the 'gut feeling' is not permanent. It might change over the time, so he might feel he made a mistake and etc. Chemistry remains for a long time, it's rather a psychological thing in my point of view. Normally I would agree if they'd had a solid foundation built on intense feeling and/or passion. What I'm getting from him is that even in the beginning he liked her as a person, but didn't particularly feel very strongly about her, and if that doesn't occur in the initial stage of the relationship, I don't think it's going to occur later unless you're forced into an arranged marriage or something. 2
siankat Posted April 17, 2013 Posted April 17, 2013 (edited) deelleeted Edited April 17, 2013 by siankat
Author Superdude87 Posted April 17, 2013 Author Posted April 17, 2013 Normally I would agree if they'd had a solid foundation built on intense feeling and/or passion. What I'm getting from him is that even in the beginning he liked her as a person, but didn't particularly feel very strongly about her, and if that doesn't occur in the initial stage of the relationship, I don't think it's going to occur later unless you're forced into an arranged marriage or something. This sounds about right. I've been waiting for it to happen, but I just don't feel it. Of course when we first started dating it was new, exciting, and we both enjoyed it. And honestly it's not that I don't like being around her, but the complete lack of passion currently (and it's been this way for a while) has really been bothering me. The whole "we don't have time to do things together" actually bothers me quite a bit too. I just don't get the vibe that she actually WANTS to or cares about that sort of thing. It seems to be all business with her. She would choose work over taking a day trip to the beach or going on a long hike. I love that kind of stuff, and I feel like our relationship is in a rut because we never get the chance to do things together besides our regular routine. Also, lately she's just so negative about everything. I keep telling her this is because she's bogged down with too much work and other stuff (she has 2 jobs, volunteers, goes to school). I just always get the "glass half empty" vibe. Sometimes it's so bad that when we get together she just seems to negative that she doesn't even want to be around me. Sometimes I'm on the verge of just telling her to go home if she seems so miserable and too tired to hang out with me. Why bother? I know it seems like a pretty black and white picture, but I'm really torn on what to do here. Thanks for the advice.
Mack05 Posted April 17, 2013 Posted April 17, 2013 (edited) I would end it. I think lack of chemistry hides many other problems within the relationship..Problems such as relationship communication. Some couples can work past chemistry issues but as I said I think chemistry peoples simply hide what is happening underneath the surface. That spark, that connection should be natural. If it's not natural its not right. Myself and my last ex had zero chemistry both in and out of the bedroom. My ex before her the chemistry was insane! If there is no chemistry it's like being in a relationship with your sister bleeecccchhhhhhhhhh. To me its like you rolled the dice and got a 3 or 4. Right now you are debating are you happy with a 3 or 4. Ok the problem is if you roll the dice again, you could get a 1 or 2. Or if you try enough times you can eventually roll a 5 or 6. Unless you roll a 5 or 6 you are just 'settling'. Every man and woman (who not evil twisted beings) deserve someone who loves them 110%. Someone who adores them. Who stimulates them physically, mentally, emotionally, intellectually etc etc. Anything else you are letting her down. Anything else you are letting yourself down. You both deserve better. The longer you say indecisive, the more you will hurt her. Believe me things don't just get magically better. You need to make a decision and stick to it. Edited April 17, 2013 by Mack05 3
KS11 Posted April 17, 2013 Posted April 17, 2013 I would end it. I think lack of chemistry hides many other problems within the relationship..Problems such as relationship communication. Some couples can work past chemistry issues but as I said I think chemistry peoples simply hide what is happening underneath the surface. That spark, that connection should be natural. If it's not natural its not right. Myself and my last ex had zero chemistry both in and out of the bedroom. My ex before her the chemistry was insane! If there is no chemistry it's like being in a relationship with your sister bleeecccchhhhhhhhhh. To me its like you rolled the dice and got a 3 or 4. Right now you are debating are you happy with a 3 or 4. Ok the problem is if you roll the dice again, you could get a 1 or 2. Or if you try enough times you can eventually roll a 5 or 6. Unless you roll a 5 or 6 you are just 'settling'. Every man and woman (who not evil twisted beings) deserve someone who loves them 110%. Someone who adores them. Who stimulates them physically, mentally, emotionally, intellectually etc etc. Anything else you are letting her down. Anything else you are letting yourself down. You both deserve better. The longer you say indecisive, the more you will hurt her. Believe me things don't just get magically better. You need to make a decision and stick to it. Think i'm going have to stick this to my wall. This must be exactly how my ex feels about me. Man, that hurts.
Mack05 Posted April 17, 2013 Posted April 17, 2013 (edited) but I'm really torn on what to do here. Deep down you know exactly what you want and have to do. You just don't have the balls to do it.. Edited April 17, 2013 by Mack05
Author Superdude87 Posted April 17, 2013 Author Posted April 17, 2013 Hey, I appreciate all the advice. I think I do need to end things, that much is clear. I really don't want to hurt her and I do feel bad, especially since there hasn't been like one huge event (fight or whatever) that makes me question things...it's just a bunch of little stuff.
Mack05 Posted April 17, 2013 Posted April 17, 2013 Hey, I appreciate all the advice. I think I do need to end things, that much is clear. I really don't want to hurt her and I do feel bad, especially since there hasn't been like one huge event (fight or whatever) that makes me question things...it's just a bunch of little stuff. One of the best tools god gave us is gut instinct. If we follow it blindly more often then not we make the right decisions. Your gut is saying leave. Trust in it. Your girl deserves honesty, she deserves the truth. She deserves empathy and compassion. So leave the relationship with dignity and class. Just be decisive. Nothing worse the giving someone false hope, when you are confused. The longer you draw this out the harder it will be on both of you... 1
Els Posted April 17, 2013 Posted April 17, 2013 If this has been the way it's been the entire time (and you're not just telling yourself that due to a temporary bump), then yes, I do think it's a solid idea to leave. You do absolutely need the passion and chemistry and memories and just crazy, head-over-heels-in-love stuff as a solid foundation for your relationship. Because hard times will come - and those times are difficult for even people with passion/chemistry to weather. If you have none of that, I doubt you will feel that it is worth putting effort and sacrifices into your R when the time comes. Why did you even get together with her?
Author Superdude87 Posted April 29, 2013 Author Posted April 29, 2013 Well just a little update. We've been bickering for days it seems like about all the problems we've been having. Basically, it has come down to decision time and we are pretty close to calling it quits, although it's going to have to be me to make that decision. I feel like pure ****. Before this argument came up a few nights ago, all the issues I had with her/our relationship were driving me absolutely crazy. But somehow when she's crying in front of me or on the phone, telling me that we just need to work on things and have time for "us" and nothing else, I feel terrible...and that maybe I'm being crazy for feeling like I am? Am I overreacting about these issues? Can we really make this work? I think the biggest thing for me is lack of passion. I feel like the other things are temporary and will pass (busy schedules, lack of time for each other) but at the end of the day the passion cannot be magically created after dating for over a year. I honestly feel very little desire to try to make this work. I feel bad for "giving up" and I feel so much worse for hurting her. Hearing her cry and almost beg me is tearing my heart out...it is the worst feeling ever. I just have felt this way for so long that I really don't even know what it is that I would be fighting for. Man...this is really tough.
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