I met a girl and she keeps calling me when she is at her wits end

[2betex]

I have a friend who I am enamored with and she say we are friends.. Every once in while she will out of the blue just say stuff like. I am not in love with you.. or I can not be here with you as it is not healthy for me to be with you.. For no apparent reason.. She will never tell me why, she say what she says... However when ever she get in a real bad situation, or confused about life in general she will call me and I can talk her down.. or up.. Which ever the case is..

 

I really do care for her and I think she does me as we have been in this scenario for over two years.. She knows I am separated, but not divorced for financial reasons.. (My ex and I are working it out, should be final soon) She lived with me for a few months then moved in with her family... Who treat her like crap.. all about control... She then texts me asking if she can move back in, then she tells me it was just to piss her family off.. ..

 

I know better, as her family will not read her texts.. She called a couple of days ago and say she can not handle the situation with life right now and I told her I would help.. She is in over head when it comes to her ex husband and kids... (divorced over 10 years and her ex will not leave her alone...) She was very depressed and said she wanted to go Hawaii and just walk the beach (run away).. So me being the (nice or stupid) I said I would take her to Vegas for a day or two..... I have some free tickets, she has never been there , she was so friggin happy that she was beside herself...

 

Now here is what I find interesting. I am usually very nice to her and soft spoken, understanding, supportive and helpful. And with that said, she would listen and then do what she wanted.. Well I got so pissed at her and gave her a piece of my mind about her "so called, advice giving brother and friends, all have ideas but never actually help her." She seemed to respond to this positively..

 

Have I been wrong in being nice or should I have just taken charge of this **** and make her do what needs to be done? I see her for what she can be, she just has always raised kids and she lost everything to her ex... Now she is on the bad end of child support .. She lost her job, no fault of hers, and she is almost broke.. Hence the great amount of stress in her life..

 

Opinions? I know this is totally different but I am crazy about her even though she is in a total mess right now.. I believe she really likes me but is totally scared about it.. She was brought up very poor, foster homes, no trust... I on the other hand am solid for the most part, educated and may be just naïve... She even tell me that I am the link for her life to come back together and I am her biggest supporter for her to do well and move forward...

 

I ramble but I am confused... Should I continue to approach her and try to build this relationship, even though we have had one for almost tow years now or just leave and let her sink.... ??

 

Thanks in advance..

[CC12]

What is your friendship like when she's not crying on your shoulder or accepting your favors? Does she ask you about your life? Do you spend time together when you're just having fun and being friends? Does she ever do you favors?

[Treasa]

I don't get why you are with her, unless you like rescuing people.

 

Let her sink or swim. Don't you want someone who can handle her own ****?

[2betex]

I don't get why you are with her, unless you like rescuing people.

 

Let her sink or swim. Don't you want someone who can handle her own ****?

 

You have a point... I took care of my ex for years,,, She rarely did anything besides clean the house and yard work.. Never anything of a serious nature... Nothing financial.. decision about vacation, cars, or when it came to taking care of our stuff.. I guess it is sort of a habit for me.. It was over a 20 year relationship...

 

One thing about this is, now it may be a rationalization but I am the only one who knows her deepest secrets.. How really depressed she is, has had a really challenging few years... Put into bankruptcy by her ex, was so busy raising kids, so she really is naïve when it comes to pretty much anything.. So yes, she does not have her **** together right now.

 

how do you propose for me to make her swim?

[2betex]

What is your friendship like when she's not crying on your shoulder or accepting your favors? Does she ask you about your life? Do you spend time together when you're just having fun and being friends? Does she ever do you favors?

 

At this point we do not spend a lot of time together, between my work schedule, and her messed up place she lives, we do make time for coffee for a few hours at a resort we live by every week or two.

 

She literally is broke, all she has left is 1500 in her bank account. She lives with a total and absolute control freak of a sister.. and her family is controlling also. She is in a screwed up place..

 

As far as favors go, I never really asked her for any, When I do ask she will do it for me. but I do not ask much... She reminds me of a little kid sometimes.

[CC12]

At this point we do not spend a lot of time together, between my work schedule, and her messed up place she lives, we do make time for coffee for a few hours at a resort we live by every week or two.

 

She literally is broke, all she has left is 1500 in her bank account. She lives with a total and absolute control freak of a sister.. and her family is controlling also. She is in a screwed up place..

 

As far as favors go, I never really asked her for any, When I do ask she will do it for me. but I do not ask much... She reminds me of a little kid sometimes.

 

I'm wondering if you're friends with her because you think you might someday be with her. Do you think that's true for you? What if she told you, "I have absolutely no romantic interest in you and I never will." Would you still want to be friends with her after that?

[Archgirl]

You are facilitating her being a needy drama queen looking for a "recuer" so she doesn't have to face up and deal with her own crap.

 

It isn't a relationship babydoll, it's just kinda really f*cked up.

 

I think the illusion of emotional intimacy when she is in distress is fooling you into thinking there is something more between you than there is.

 

Let her go, or to be really honest, shut her down. You won't be able to build a healthy reciprocal relationship and emotional connection with a well adjusted woman while you are caught in the ignore-emotional distress cycle. Being "needed" is just as big a pitfall as being "needy".

 

Wouldn't you rather someone who makes you laugh, shares the load and supports you as you support her?

[2betex]

I'm wondering if you're friends with her because you think you might someday be with her. Do you think that's true for you? What if she told you, "I have absolutely no romantic interest in you and I never will." Would you still want to be friends with her after that?

 

I would have to agree ... I do hope someday we can get together.... and yes she has said that and we are still friends.. Sucks.. but it is life.. Not as an excuse but she would probably be on the streets right now if it was not for me.. but that is an rationalization... for the most part.

 

I see her life as all screwed up... On a downward spiral, needing help, even her family will not help her.. Her immediate family, who she has to live with right now is a very bad and weird situation.

 

According to them I am a stalker and a physco.. But I am the only person in this world right now that is helping her get her life back together...

 

I helped her find a new lawyer yesterday and of course I am fronting some money, so she can move on in life.. This is the last time for me to extend though... I have told her on many occasions that I will help to a point and that point has been reached.....

 

However I am crazy about her... She is one in a million and it appears that she is going to waste her life dreaming about how is should be and never get there.. As I tell her she can not see the trees in the forest...

 

Thanks..

[2betex]

You are facilitating her being a needy drama queen looking for a "recuer" so she doesn't have to face up and deal with her own crap.

 

It isn't a relationship babydoll, it's just kinda really f*cked up.

 

I think the illusion of emotional intimacy when she is in distress is fooling you into thinking there is something more between you than there is.

 

Let her go, or to be really honest, shut her down. You won't be able to build a healthy reciprocal relationship and emotional connection with a well adjusted woman while you are caught in the ignore-emotional distress cycle. Being "needed" is just as big a pitfall as being "needy".

 

Wouldn't you rather someone who makes you laugh, shares the load and supports you as you support her?

 

Well it is hard to get calls from a girl who is freaking out about life in so many ways and wants to run away... I have heard this for a long time.. Leave her troubles and just run.. (Much like I do at times.. stress related and I work too much) but can will not. She claims I am the person in her life that is keeping on level ground.. But I probably am being played..

 

Not to brag but I am one of those "nice guys" who are even keeled except for this.. Which is a very hard thing for me to understand.. I am naïve when it comes to woman and their ways... I have only a couple of relationships in my life both long term by today standards, on for over 5 and the next for over 20.. Never played around..

 

So having this friend act this way and talk to me like this really does throw me into a land of WTF.. I have no idea of how to handle this. She is a fabulous and talented girl.. and did express interest in me at one time, which she denies now. but it was probably a play as she is street smart and I am not..

 

Not how do I shut her down?

[CC12]

I would have to agree ... I do hope someday we can get together....

 

Then I would have to say that this is a very unhealthy friendship. It's bad enough when one person has romantic feelings, and the other thinks it's a platonic friendship. You have an added layer of weirdness because she "needs" a lot of help and you freely give it to her (perhaps with the expectation that she will then owe you something, or that you can purchase her affections.)

 

And I don't think she's a very good friend to you if she accepts all these gifts knowing that you have feelings for her.

 

But I am the only person in this world right now that is helping her get her life back together...

 

Well, that's just not true, is it? Her family is letting her live with them. It is a huge help that they are providing her with a roof over her head. Does she not appreciate that, I wonder?

 

It sucks that she's in a bad place in her life, but you have no responsibility to fix that. You can be sure that some of her own bad decisions have led her there. I mean, she has a friend willing to spend X amount of dollars on her for a trip to Vegas, and she's not saying, "No, thanks, my life is too hectic to party right now, but if you're willing, I'd rather take the X dollars as a loan that I will pay back so I can get closer to my goal of independence." She's not saying, "No, sorry, I can't in good conscience accept that." She's saying "Vegas? **** yes!" That seems like a bad decision on her part. Her priorities seem messed up, and that's not something you can fix by throwing money or emotional energy at her.

 

I helped her find a new lawyer yesterday and of course I am fronting some money, so she can move on in life.. This is the last time for me to extend though... I have told her on many occasions that I will help to a point and that point has been reached.....

 

Does this mean that you will no longer help her out financially? I think that would be good for you. See what happens to your friendship when you're no longer assisting her. Do you think she'll still be your friend?

[2betex]

You have an added layer of weirdness because she "needs" a lot of help and you freely give it to her (perhaps with the expectation that she will then owe you something, or that you can purchase her affections.)

 

Now that is messed up... No I am not buying her affections.. If I wanted to buy a girl that would be easy... and cost a whole lot less...

 

She has every intention, (so she says) to pay me back.

 

 

Well, that's just not true, is it? Her family is letting her live with them. It is a huge help that they are providing her with a roof over her head. Does she not appreciate that, I wonder?

 

Well a little bit of a misconception on this part. She lives with them but not in their house. In a camper because she can not stand them. place of last resort, she is eating crow and plenty of BS for this decision... Staying for her come at a high price, physically and emotionally. I have seen it and witnessed what they do to her... Treat her like trash... but she has no choice, she would rather be on her own... I get what she is going through and she does appreciate what they are doing.. but as I said very high cost.

 

It sucks that she's in a bad place in her life, but you have no responsibility to fix that. You can be sure that some of her own bad decisions have led her there. I mean, she has a friend willing to spend X amount of dollars on her for a trip to Vegas, and she's not saying, "No, thanks, my life is too hectic to party right now, but if you're willing, I'd rather take the X dollars as a loan that I will pay back so I can get closer to my goal of independence." She's not saying, "No, sorry, I can't in good conscience accept that." She's saying "Vegas? **** yes!" That seems like a bad decision on her part. Her priorities seem messed up, and that's not something you can fix by throwing money or emotional energy at her. ?

 

We are not going to go... She did what you said she should do... She decided that it would be a bad plan. It was not going to cost much anyhow, I have a bunch of free tickets and it would have been a late night flight then come back in 24 hours or so.. No hotel, no real gambling just a trip... for the day... I would call it a diversion from stress....

 

 

Does this mean that you will no longer help her out financially? I think that would be good for you. See what happens to your friendship when you're no longer assisting her. Do you think she'll still be your friend?

 

Yes, I am going to stop and I am going to walk away from this soon, then I will see if she is true to her words. She is a victim of her bad choices.. I get that, however, after many hours of discussion, most decision were made based on survival, single mom, kids, and her screwed up family influencing her. Lots of knee jerk reactions..

 

BTW, her kids a friggin fabulous, she may be messed up but I can not begin to explain how well behaved and centered her children are... A testament to her raising a family. She has hidden all the BS in her life from her kids,,, and did well beyond belief in this area,.. I could only wish all parents did what she has done... this world would be a much better place...

 

She is talking about making payments to me but we will see if it smoke or truth...

 

Thanks for the feedback it does help make me think...