foreverandalways Posted April 17, 2013 Posted April 17, 2013 It isn't about pulling back at the right time whatever that means. It's about not automatically dropping your own life every time he comes calling. Yes, that's what I said already. And I don't mean physically or emotionally pulling back. It's more of making yourself not available every time he wants to talk or see you. It's pulling yourself back from the behaviors that the OP has stated that seem to scare the guys away. Not coming on as strong. Sorry you didn't get what I meant.
runningfar Posted April 17, 2013 Posted April 17, 2013 If you have to learn a rule and not just do whatever you feel like, it's game playing no matter what you want to call it. I think I pretty much always respond to my boyfriend right away when I see it and always have. He does the same. If we don't notice it, we don't get worried. Of course, if I'm with a client I don't have my phone. I respond to my friends right away too. I don't lack a life. I'll respond while I'm doing other things. Trying to observe some new way of behaving that's not natural to you is just weird to me. Why does everything have to be so artificial? (Well, it doesn't, I know that. I've always had a relationship when I want one without that crap and none of the issues I see here so much.)
foreverandalways Posted April 17, 2013 Posted April 17, 2013 If you have to learn a rule and not just do whatever you feel like, it's game playing no matter what you want to call it. I think I pretty much always respond to my boyfriend right away when I see it and always have. He does the same. If we don't notice it, we don't get worried. Of course, if I'm with a client I don't have my phone. I respond to my friends right away too. I don't lack a life. I'll respond while I'm doing other things. Trying to observe some new way of behaving that's not natural to you is just weird to me. Why does everything have to be so artificial? (Well, it doesn't, I know that. I've always had a relationship when I want one without that crap and none of the issues I see here so much.) That's the whole point. I don't think you're seeing that. Of course it's OK to text back when you can. However, you HAVE a life, you're not waiting by your phone for your BF to text. So there are often times where his text goes unnoticed to you for a bit while you're doing other things in your life. It's not like I'm laying in bed watching TV and my phone goes off, and then I think to myself, "well i have to wait 30 minutes to text him back". I dont think you're understanding what we're trying to say.
BluEyeL Posted April 17, 2013 Posted April 17, 2013 Well, if you are naturally clingy, or let's say, too nice, and have to stop yourself from being that so you don't appear desperate and coming too strong, it is game playing. But from what I noticed, it seems that game playing is necessary, dating is all a big game. I hate it though, have a very hard time with it. Don't know a way around it. OP you have to follow a few of these un-natural rules if you feel you are suffocating men.
Author youaremysunshine Posted April 17, 2013 Author Posted April 17, 2013 We don't see each other much because I'm in universerty, have a job in my feild have sweet frieinds who fight for what they believe in with me. I mean it's hard to pull back when you can only get in one date a week. Should I have canceled more? I mean it did happen once? I always wanted our time together to be special. I'm pretty broke though so we ussualy just watched a movie and I made dinner. Also we've been together 4 months so I was feeling pretty comfortable with him. Mistake? Of course now that he hasn't called me in a week i'm obsessed. In the future i'll deffinately play hard to get. It sucks because I'm hard weird to think being friendly is how you make friends.
Author youaremysunshine Posted April 17, 2013 Author Posted April 17, 2013 And since I'm annoyed with him: HE is deffinately the one with no life! Highschool drop out working part time with his mom, one friend he hates. Never had a girlfriend. I try to take him to see bands or go to house parties and he never wants to go. Also nither of use text much. Just, friday at 8? Ok.
foreverandalways Posted April 17, 2013 Posted April 17, 2013 From what you stated here, the only thing you seem to have done wrong, is to pick the wrong guy, honestly. There really isn't anything wrong with nice gestures for your boyfriend, and having quick text conversations. Plus it's not like you seem to have a lot of time to spend together, so you're not "smothering" him. He should also be appreciative of the time that you do get to spend together, and if he's making it seem like it's clingy or a hassle to him, then he's not the guy for you. There are guys out there that do appreciate all the "little" things their gf's do for them. Mine does. I think you just need to find someone who wants you for you. 2
Author youaremysunshine Posted April 17, 2013 Author Posted April 17, 2013 So this guy has never called me clingy, and seems to be fine with taking advantage of everything I offer him. Is there any way to get the power back? Just stop contacting him? I haven't in a week and he hasn't either.
Author youaremysunshine Posted April 17, 2013 Author Posted April 17, 2013 Of course I'm seriously considering straight up dumping him. I don't like the dynamic at all. I wish there was a way to at least try to fix things!
foreverandalways Posted April 17, 2013 Posted April 17, 2013 Of course I'm seriously considering straight up dumping him. I don't like the dynamic at all. I wish there was a way to at least try to fix things! Communicate. Tell him what's bothering you and give him a chance to respond. If he acts immature about it, and doesn't seriously want to change a few things to make sure you're happy too, then yes, let him go. If you want to seriously give this relationship a chance, dont dump him without giving him a chance to see what he has to offer to your concerns.
Author youaremysunshine Posted April 17, 2013 Author Posted April 17, 2013 being as we have been out of touch I am considering emailing him the following: I’ve done some thinking though and I think we are better off as friends. I’ve been doing the casual dating thing for awhile and I guess I’m looking for some sort of special bond. But I realize you can’t force it and there nothing wrong with being single. I don’t know if it’s you or me or what but I don’t want to be in a one-sided relationship. I’m serious about us being friends though. You are great company
Author youaremysunshine Posted April 17, 2013 Author Posted April 17, 2013 I do want to give it a chance but it's hard to talk about without seeming clingy! like oh, you never say or do nice things, you ignore me, I think I like you more than you like me! I feel like an insecure whiner.
noble Posted April 17, 2013 Posted April 17, 2013 Just my two cents.. Maybe you should read that book the 5 love languages. Earlier in your post, you said you'd be really happy if a boyfriend did something thoughtful for you like buy you a used book they thought you'd like, and thats why you do these things. because you know you'd appreciate it. I read somewhere that people often give in relationships the things THEY want, not the things their partner wants. I am guilty of it too. I'm really giving, because I like doing thoughtful things. But doing those little things isn't what my boyfriend likes to feel loved.. if that makes sense. For example, I really feel loved when I am given physical affection and verbal affirmation, and thats why I am affection and tell my bf i love him a lot. But he likes to receive love in other ways. So maybe you should stop doing the things you know YOU'D like, and focus on doing things they would like. 2
Author youaremysunshine Posted April 17, 2013 Author Posted April 17, 2013 (edited) That's very smart! I'm not sure how he would like to be loved though... My first and only serious boyfriend was a Filipino guy. not to make broad cultural generalizations but I lived with him and his extended family. Gifts, especially of food and verbal compliments (and teasing!) are COMMON ways of expressing affection. Women do this to men all the time and it was quite well received. I felt like I was a part of his big family. My current beau on the other hand comes from a large french Canadian family who fight like cats and dogs. He hardly speaks to his brothers and dislikes his mother. He has moved without warning many times. He would be locked out of his house arbitrarily and often didn't have enough to eat. As his own father lay on his deathbed he refused to visit him. yeah... don't know where I'm going with this. I want to show him warmth and security, but maybe that makes him uncomfortable Edited April 17, 2013 by youaremysunshine
Minneloa Posted April 17, 2013 Posted April 17, 2013 being as we have been out of touch I am considering emailing him the following: I’ve done some thinking though and I think we are better off as friends. I’ve been doing the casual dating thing for awhile and I guess I’m looking for some sort of special bond. But I realize you can’t force it and there nothing wrong with being single. I don’t know if it’s you or me or what but I don’t want to be in a one-sided relationship. I’m serious about us being friends though. You are great company I thought you had decided to go NC because he wants to date other women and you want a monogamous relationship.
Author youaremysunshine Posted April 17, 2013 Author Posted April 17, 2013 He is now saying he wont sleep with other women, because he is too scared. Not because he doesn't want too....
Author youaremysunshine Posted April 17, 2013 Author Posted April 17, 2013 Not scared of me, just sexually inexperinced. The truth is have been an open relationship before that was very positive for me (the filipino dude) but that was a stable relationship based on trust and became open at about the 2 year mark because I moved away for uni. ultimately the distance killed us. I don't think it was me fooling around a bit and him not knowing/caring (sure he did the same) but at the 4 month mark I really like this guy and he is all oh, I'm 21 I need to sow my wild oats...makes me feel pretty insecure To be honest my ex is still my best friend, and no matter if we are "together" or not I feel safe with him and know he cares.
Author youaremysunshine Posted April 17, 2013 Author Posted April 17, 2013 I contacted him via email and he showed up at my house. I bought his speach about us being free independent people making each other happy, and his lines about not SEEKING sex just having the option if it ever came up... to be honest I could be ok with this if I felt I was the one he really wanted, not just the only girl who ever showed interest in him. he is very passive and shy.
Minneloa Posted April 17, 2013 Posted April 17, 2013 Bottom line: from what you have posted here and on the breakup forum, it sounds like you are not getting what you need from this relationship. I think you deserve a relationship that brings our your confidence, not your insecurity. I think you deserve a man who *wants* to be monogamous with you and is not merely settling for it because of his own issues.
Author youaremysunshine Posted April 17, 2013 Author Posted April 17, 2013 SO as of our last contact we are at he wont DATE other women, he wants to be my boyfriend, might fool around. Seems like spiting hairs considering he doesn't even know any girls. I said that I would do the same and to be honest I could tonight. He keeps saying, if we are going to be together we are going to be together, words do not matter
irc333 Posted April 17, 2013 Posted April 17, 2013 It all depends on one's own definition of "clingy", a lot of commitment phobes or confirmed bachelor's/bachelorettes are this way. Esp. if they're more into their careers, volunteer work, etc. I knew of this early 30's college professor, doing rather well for herself ...has a 2nd home she rents out, she's a chemistry instructor.....very "Hippie Girl" type all the way...big time Liberal (yeah, your Liberals tend to be this way, too...free love and all). She admittedly says she sometimes walks naked at a beach....if it's allowed at said beach or has no qualms doing an FWB....situation. I met her OKC, we chatted a bit back and forth.....and I brought up getting together...it was in the month of Dec., and she said she was pretty much booked the entire month to be in and out of town all month for the holidays....so she had stuff planned before she joined OKC. But, I would email her a few times since....and then she says, "Just thought I'd let you know, I started seeing someone" And I thought, "oh okay....sure no problem. Good for you" But, I still continued correspondence on occasion, because she follows the same interests I do on her FB....so if she has pics of her kayaking....and she was at the same park I was in....I'd bring it to her attention...no big deal. But I hardly bothered with her.....I did find it odd that even though she had "in a relationship", she had no pics with him and her together....she mentioned the reason for that was because she's a very private person and not really up for posting her relationship stuff on FB. Then I noticed that she had changed her relationship status back to "single" so, I decided to inquire about her availability. She said, "I wouldn't mind meeting you, but I don't think I'd be attracted honestly, and besides, you kind of come off pushy" (Which is synonymous to needy) To be honest, I was trying to recall a time where I thought I could have been pushy with her, but...I could recall nothing, and mentioned that to her. She said "Well, it's all about perception." You see, highly driven, independent people who prefer their freedom....those who aren't really relationship capable, usually start seeing people who legitimately want to date them, exclusively...as "pushy" or "needy" when what you're doing is perfectly normal. I know couples that are pretty much attached at the hip, forgoing any social outings with other friends....except maybe a holiday gathering or Birthday and nothing more....because they're mostly spending time with each other. 1
Author youaremysunshine Posted April 17, 2013 Author Posted April 17, 2013 Yeah, I want stability and reciprocity. I am breaking up with him with a vauge hope he smartens up and shows me he cares... or should I just stop replying to his texts and leave him hanging?
Minneloa Posted April 17, 2013 Posted April 17, 2013 Yeah, I want stability and reciprocity. I am breaking up with him with a vauge hope he smartens up and shows me he cares... or should I just stop replying to his texts and leave him hanging? I strongly urge you not to use a breakup as a "gauntlet" or a test. Break up with him for one reason: because you do not want to continue the relationship. At this point, since you contacted him and initiated another conversation about your relationship, I think an explanation would be common courtesy if you decide to break up with him now. It's one thing to go NC when he is AWOL, but you reached out and I think it's only fair to close the loop.
Author youaremysunshine Posted April 17, 2013 Author Posted April 17, 2013 I actually started this thread because I wanted to know about how to act in relationships going forward. I would love it if this guy would suddenly understand what I need and give it to me and I guess I'm still building up the guts to end it, but yes I know its doomed
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