youaremysunshine Posted April 17, 2013 Posted April 17, 2013 Well I've come to the conclusion that men think I'm clingy. It's not that I text them constantly or demand to spend excessive amounts of time together. I'm actually pretty busy. I work and go to school, I have great group of friends, I'm involved in activism, I go to shows often. Overall I have a full life But when I start dating guys, I always start doing them favours, treating them to things(movies, drinks), cooking them dinner, complimenting them. If I like a guy I want to show my affection! I also like telling a guy he's handsome or a good lover. Why does it make guys run away? how do I stop? do men like women who are self entitled and critical?
Eternal Sunshine Posted April 17, 2013 Posted April 17, 2013 Men always like to have to work a little. 1
Author youaremysunshine Posted April 17, 2013 Author Posted April 17, 2013 I could see that in the beginning, but for how long?
foreverandalways Posted April 17, 2013 Posted April 17, 2013 I love doing things for my boyfriend. Surprising him with little treats that I know he will like, or cooking him his favorite meal. However, you put in what you receive back. Some men really appreciate the lengths that their women will go for them. And sometimes men don't always know about the little things that we like. But for my boyfriend to have a huge smile on his face when he sees that I bought him a few of his favorite candy bars at the store. Or when he gives me a huge kiss after I cook him a great dinner. Or when I do something for him and I'll tease him by saying "who has the best girlfriend ever?" and he replies by telling me he really DOES have the best girlfriend ever...this stuff shows me he appreciates things, rather than taking them for granted or expecting them. Some guys on the other hand view these gestures as the clingy type. Its all about being compatible with who you are dating.
Author youaremysunshine Posted April 17, 2013 Author Posted April 17, 2013 thanks foreverandalways, my only serious relationship did enjoy me doing nice things for him. doing them felt good too. of course I want a guy who will do nice things for me too. Not out of obligation just to show he cares. I guess I'm dating the wrong guys...
ja123 Posted April 17, 2013 Posted April 17, 2013 When I saw the title of your thread, I thought that perhaps you just might not be choosing the right sort of men for you. This, of course, could still be the case. However, since you detailed that you do things for them, buy things for them, and complement them, then for most men it is probably too much. It might make them feel stifled in a way, or belittled as men. They want to be men, afterall, and not infantilized; nor do they want to feel manipulated. Doing 'too much too soon' can take away from the natural unfolding of a relationship. Put all that energy that you give to them into yourself or another worthy cause. The best way not to seem clingy is not to be clingy. Give men some space. Good luck!
Author youaremysunshine Posted April 17, 2013 Author Posted April 17, 2013 I guess I just need to change my ways. I mean it's never anything over the top or expensive. it's so easy to just pick up a cheap used book you know he'd like or tell him he looks nice. if a guy did that for me I would feel great. honestly maybe I would have better luck with women
Author youaremysunshine Posted April 17, 2013 Author Posted April 17, 2013 Also to be fair I tend to do thoughtful things for my family and close friends. How to I uncling? act uninterested and self involved?
foreverandalways Posted April 17, 2013 Posted April 17, 2013 Also to be fair I tend to do thoughtful things for my family and close friends. How to I uncling? act uninterested and self involved? Personally, I dont' think you're being clingy. You may just be coming on too strong in the beginning. Don't stop being who you are. Just don't lay it all out before you've established a relationship. 4
rocketman122 Posted April 17, 2013 Posted April 17, 2013 I dont think you have to change anything about yourself. its not you thats the problem. find a guy who can appreciate that you have a good heart, that youre caring and a giver. I love women who have these traits. is it better to be the opposite? selfish, stingy, narcissistic, self centered, a taker? youre one in a million in this very taker world. dont change one bit. wait for the right guy who can see the real you. phuk them all. 5
SpiralOut Posted April 17, 2013 Posted April 17, 2013 Check out the book Why Men Love Bitches. It teaches you how to not be clingy or be taken advantage of by the wrong types of guys.
Author youaremysunshine Posted April 17, 2013 Author Posted April 17, 2013 I really would not like to become a bitch, or even pretend to be one for the sake of a man. But I do want to find a man who will not take advantage or run away but in fact reciprocate (gasp!) somewhere along the line I got mixed up that dating was all about making eachother feel good. But I find that never "wins" a guys heart. I guess I'll save the cute stuff till I'm with someone more long term.
Author youaremysunshine Posted April 17, 2013 Author Posted April 17, 2013 I think I have seriously screwed my relationship doing this, is there any back pedaling?
Author youaremysunshine Posted April 17, 2013 Author Posted April 17, 2013 ehhh maybe not but he said he had low self confidence about his looks and had never been with a girl so I thought he might like to hear I'm attracted to him and he's good in bed?
Author youaremysunshine Posted April 17, 2013 Author Posted April 17, 2013 well they are not lies at all. But he certainly has not made the effort to make me feel good
Author youaremysunshine Posted April 17, 2013 Author Posted April 17, 2013 if I just act cold to him do you think he'll come around?
Author youaremysunshine Posted April 17, 2013 Author Posted April 17, 2013 I wish you didn't have to manipulate a guy into liking you. I Wish just being good to them worked
rocketman122 Posted April 17, 2013 Posted April 17, 2013 I really would not like to become a bitch, or even pretend to be one for the sake of a man. But I do want to find a man who will not take advantage or run away but in fact reciprocate (gasp!) somewhere along the line I got mixed up that dating was all about making eachother feel good. But I find that never "wins" a guys heart. I guess I'll save the cute stuff till I'm with someone more long term. Its true that not many "see" these great traits you have. most are takers. but dont change. it will go against who you are. it is built into you. I dont know who these guys are but obviously youre attracting the wrong men. If I like a guy I want to show my affection! I also like telling a guy he's handsome or a good lover. if these guys arent these things, dont tell them only to caress their ego's. big no no. I say only what I mean. a person should not be fake just for the sake of the relationship. my GF was in a business meeting that went well for her and she was on such a high and she sent me a message how hot I am and I knew it was because of the situation. I knew she meant it but it didnt mean much to me. but when were intimate and she looks at me and she says that im wonderful and so attractive and hot, It means more. depends how/when you say it.
RogerWallace111 Posted April 17, 2013 Posted April 17, 2013 somewhere along the line I got mixed up that dating was all about making eachother feel good. But I find that never "wins" a guys heart. I guess I'll save the cute stuff till I'm with someone more long term. It is for most loving, generous, happy humans. Myself being one. I'll echo several other posters- don't try to change yourself, if anything just try holding back a little with the gestures & gifts until you're officially together or it's clear that he's the type who enjoys that (which you'd think most would). I wouldn't really want a girl doing those sort of things for me right off the bat, but if after a few dates she picked me up a used book or wanted to make me a nice meal, I'd be super down with it. As long as the gestures don't come across as signs that she's developed any strong attachment prematurely, or that she's somehow making them out of insecurity. Or as compensation for a perceived lack of things to "offer" mentally, sexually or whatever. Meaning her feeling like the guy is smarter than her, more attractive, or whatever, so she has to be overly giving in other areas.
Woggle Posted April 17, 2013 Posted April 17, 2013 We have an epidemic of people with want what you can't have syndrome. Try and find one of the people left who don't have it. 1
Treasa Posted April 17, 2013 Posted April 17, 2013 It isn't about being clingy, not clingy, bitchy, not bitchy, etc. If you're trying too hard to be something, you're being clingy/insecure. Why not just be yourself, put yourself first, and fill your life with things that make you happy? You'll find then that the things you do for your partners will be just enough, and they won't make you appear to be buying affection. I'm a very sweet, loving person, but I don't just give everything of myself to someone. Especially not in the beginning or when I'm feeling anxious about the relationship.
runningfar Posted April 17, 2013 Posted April 17, 2013 Don't change you when you're doing nothing wrong; you won't be happy. I love doing things for all people, especially my boyfriend. I haven't run into a guy that's an issue for but I know I wouldn't be happy if I had to pretend to be something I'm not. Some person has issues and needs you to play some stupid game, who needs anyone like that anyways.
foreverandalways Posted April 17, 2013 Posted April 17, 2013 I really would not like to become a bitch, or even pretend to be one for the sake of a man. But I do want to find a man who will not take advantage or run away but in fact reciprocate (gasp!) somewhere along the line I got mixed up that dating was all about making eachother feel good. But I find that never "wins" a guys heart. I guess I'll save the cute stuff till I'm with someone more long term. It's not really about being a bitch though. You should give it a try. It's about pulling back at the right time, not being available at their every beck and call, etc. 1
Treasa Posted April 17, 2013 Posted April 17, 2013 It's not really about being a bitch though. You should give it a try. It's about pulling back at the right time, not being available at their every beck and call, etc. Yeah, having a life that revolves around you, not them. 1
foreverandalways Posted April 17, 2013 Posted April 17, 2013 Yeah, having a life that revolves around you, not them. Absolutely. And just simple things like not answering their text the minute they text you. Ending a phone call or text conversation first. Dont drag it on and on. But don't do it all too much to the point where you feel like you're game playing. I don't like that either. But I do like to make sure that my BF knows how much I love him, but I have other things going on in my life and it's not solely focused on him.
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