cloudsnmyhead Posted April 17, 2013 Posted April 17, 2013 Hello, i have been lurking for a while and decided to finally post. I am hoping the kind OWs and OMs can give some advice. I am a MW, I met a MM online 3 months ago. Yes I know it is wrong. I'm in a bland sexless marrage for my kids. I know what he tells me about his marriage...not sure how true it is or isnt. I have fallen head over heels for him. He is kind to me, has manners, funny, loving, good lover, good career, handsome.......you know the routine. We see each other multiple times per week. Filling in those times with texting, talking on the phone. It has been a very couple of intense months with both of us telling each other we love each other. Its much more of an EA,the PA is limited. We just connect...on every level. MM married 20+ years, me 15 years. He says he wants to leave the W. Says he will talk to atty soon. I don't think I could leave my H for my kids sake. I am not sure, but I do see him in my life long term. This is just so quick. i am at the point of disliking his W and not wanting to share him. So does my story sound familar? Can somebody give some words of wisdom? I know that this is end up hurting and ripping my heart out whatever happens. Thanks!
eleanorrigby Posted April 17, 2013 Posted April 17, 2013 *WHAP* It's already done, you've stepped into it. To mitigate a bit of the damage, you can come clean to your husband before he finds out. I don't advise spending anymore time thinking about it, the more you think about telling him, the less likely I think you will be to tell him. If you and MM are planning to be together, then I advise you both to jump off that cliff at the same time, (or pretty close) or there will be someone left pissed off that the other didn't leave as well, and someone else irritated with the other for rushing him/her. Also the person that decides not to leave, may start to feel nervous that the divorced partner may decide not to wait around anymore and seek someone without all the drama. If you do end up together, take it extra slow with your kids. They might be annoyed with Insta-Family and act out at anything that sounds Brady Bunch like. 2
lynn1954 Posted April 17, 2013 Posted April 17, 2013 (edited) To mitigate a bit of the damage, you can come clean to your husband before he finds out. I don't advise spending anymore time thinking about it, the more you think about telling him, the less likely I think you will be to tell him. No, wait, don't tell your husband anything yet!! Too soon!! May not be necessary!! Your message indicates that you're confused and haven't made any decisions about what to do, so proceed carefully, not rashly!! You and the MM both have time to think and decide before you act. You can say to MM "Hey, my head is spinning and I need time to think. Let's cool it, and stop meeting for a while until we're sure". Does your marriage have any chance of improving if you and H both work hard at it? Do you want to try that? There is no right/wrong answer here. Some people in crumby marriage work at it, and the marriage improves. Some stay in crumby marriage and suffer through it. Some admit marriage can't be saved, so they divorce. Think about all three scenarios as they apply to you...which one is best for you? Which is best for kids? Which is best for H? Children can be traumatized by a divorce, but they can also be traumatized by living in an obviously unhappy home. Right now in your home, are the kids truly happy and oblivious to your unhappiness, or are they well aware that there's trouble between their parents? On the other hand, many children adapt and are fine despite their parents divorce. It depends on how well the divorcing parents look out for the kids best interest while divorcing and after divorcing. Many affairs and marital infidelties cause a lot of devastation to everyone involved. Sometime there are exceptions to the rule, where two people in unhappy marriages find each other, leave their bad marriages and create a new happy marriage. Your relationship is new, and there is always a thrill in a new relationship, whether the couple are two 15-year-old freshmen, or two 60-year-old married Baby Boomers, or two single Gen-Xers, or any other. Sometimes it pays to give the relationship the test of time. Some love-at-first-sight lasts for decades, some fizzles out. Your message sounded like you wanted us to encourage you to end the affair and stay in your marriage. Is that what you want? I answered you with more questions, but sometimes a little analyzing yourself and talking to yourself helps. Edited April 17, 2013 by lynn1954
Lillyfree Posted April 17, 2013 Posted April 17, 2013 I don't think I could leave my H for my kids sake. this seems to have been missed by all that replied. i would say the OP is looking to cake eat. 3
ThatJustHappened Posted April 17, 2013 Posted April 17, 2013 No, wait, don't tell your husband anything yet!! Too soon!! May not be necessary!! Your message indicates that you're confused and haven't made any decisions about what to do, so proceed carefully, not rashly!! You and the MM both have time to think and decide before you act. You can say to MM "Hey, my head is spinning and I need time to think. Let's cool it, and stop meeting for a while until we're sure". Does your marriage have any chance of improving if you and H both work hard at it? Do you want to try that? There is no right/wrong answer here. Some people in crumby marriage work at it, and the marriage improves. Some stay in crumby marriage and suffer through it. Some admit marriage can't be saved, so they divorce. Think about all three scenarios as they apply to you...which one is best for you? Which is best for kids? Which is best for H? Children can be traumatized by a divorce, but they can also be traumatized by living in an obviously unhappy home. Right now in your home, are the kids truly happy and oblivious to your unhappiness, or are they well aware that there's trouble between their parents? On the other hand, many children adapt and are fine despite their parents divorce. It depends on how well the divorcing parents look out for the kids best interest while divorcing and after divorcing. Many affairs and marital infidelties cause a lot of devastation to everyone involved. Sometime there are exceptions to the rule, where two people in unhappy marriages find each other, leave their bad marriages and create a new happy marriage. Your relationship is new, and there is always a thrill in a new relationship, whether the couple are two 15-year-old freshmen, or two 60-year-old married Baby Boomers, or two single Gen-Xers, or any other. Sometimes it pays to give the relationship the test of time. Some love-at-first-sight lasts for decades, some fizzles out. Your message sounded like you wanted us to encourage you to end the affair and stay in your marriage. Is that what you want? I answered you with more questions, but sometimes a little analyzing yourself and talking to yourself helps. You don't think her husband deserves to know what kind of person he's married to? Why doesn't he have a choice about whether or not he wants to stay with her after she's betrayed him and treated him like garbage? 4
lynn1954 Posted April 17, 2013 Posted April 17, 2013 (edited) You don't think her husband deserves to know what kind of person he's married to? Why doesn't he have a choice about whether or not he wants to stay with her after she's betrayed him and treated him like garbage? To ThatJustHappened: I read your story and I know that you were cheated on multiple times, and I have a lot of sympathy for you, and I'm sorry that happened to you. Please try not to be too critical of other people here. This is a support forum, not a judgment forum. What all of the people in this situation "deserve" is not the point here. Each situation is different. When somone makes a mistake, sometimes it's best for everyone involved if that person reveals and admits their mistake. Other times, it's best for everyone involved if the mistake is never revealed. The OP made a possible mistake getting involved in a situation that might devastate several of the people in the situation. Now, she's trying to figure out how to possibly fix her mistake, possibly without hurting innocent people. The OP might not be as horrible as the man who hurt you, ThatJustHappened. Maybe her H would have a happier life not ever knowing what happened, especially if she decides to stay with him. However, maybe her H would have a happier life if she admits what happened and they work on their marriage together. Maybe her H would have a happier life if she admits what she did and her H decides to divorce her. Jeez, so many of us make choices and mistakes that we never should have made. But after the mistake, the correct way to handle and reveal will be different for different situations. Edited April 17, 2013 by lynn1954
thefooloftheyear Posted April 17, 2013 Posted April 17, 2013 (edited) This is perfect..... In another thread "reasons why they cant leave" all the members(except a few)are basically saying that if you have a bad marriage and you have a EMA then you MUST leave the marriage. Forget about the kids and get out. Let the chips fall where they may. OK...Lets see how many are going to respond in the same fashion to this tailor made real life scenario. So far ..Nobody. Sorry for the diversion OP...I feel for you. You decide what is best for YOU. Regards TFOY Edited April 17, 2013 by thefooloftheyear 1
whichwayisup Posted April 17, 2013 Posted April 17, 2013 So if he left his wife, you'd leave your husband? If yes, then it won't work at all. If both of your marriages were on the outs before you two got together and both of you were on the verge of divorcing reguardless of the A, then possibly this could work.. BUT, it really sounds like you are in it as much as him for the affair and feelings have gotten out of control. If you plan on staying the A, deal with your jealously. His life is going on, just as yours is, with his wife, just like you and your H. I'm sure (just like you) he sleeps in bed with his wife (you in bed with your H), you go out with your H and do family outings..etc..etc.. Sorry your emotions feel jealous but really you don't have a right to be jealous or dislike his wife. You only know stuff about her through him and who knows what is true, what is exaggerated or what is a lie/what is true. Kids are involved, so maybe try to put as much energy into your husband and marriage, give it a good shot at working, communicate with your husband, make it better by going to counseling with him. If things are still bad, then divorce. If you leave and end up with your MM, chances are that won't work out, one or both of you will end up back home, changing your minds and realizing the grass isn't greener...aka starting over again is not easy, especially with children involved. Are you prepared to give up everything you know and love? tear apart your family? Lose your house and the lifestyle? Lose your inlaws, some friends possibly as well? THINK about this, long term not just in the now and what you want. If it's an A, just know eventually you two will get caught. A's don't last forever, they have an expiration date. Why not come clean and tell your husband the truth. Let him decide if he wants to stay and fix things with you, or divorce. It's unfair to keep him in the dark, do as you please behind his back and possibly be thinking of leaving him. If you want to divorce, do it. Many people do if they truly want out of their marriage. Anyway, you could really benefit from doing some counseling. It'll help you make a decision. 2
jlola Posted April 17, 2013 Posted April 17, 2013 This is perfect..... In another thread "reasons why they cant leave" all the members(except a few)are basically saying that if you have a bad marriage and you have a EMA then you MUST leave the marriage. Forget about the kids and get out. Let the chips fall where they may. OK...Lets see how many are going to respond in the same fashion to this tailor made real life scenario. So far ..Nobody. Sorry for the diversion OP...I feel for you. You decide what is best for YOU. Regards TFOY I don't see anywhere in last post that says continue the affair and stay married. In fact most people basically said if you CANNOT and won't end the affair, do not continue to use lame excuses and potentially taking the risk of destroying kids if they find out. Get out rather than put kids in the middle of this mess. I say if this woman is in such a bad marriage,why does she stay? Perhaps she likes her lifestyle and will only leave if someone is offering the same or better? 2
ThatJustHappened Posted April 17, 2013 Posted April 17, 2013 To ThatJustHappened: I read your story and I know that you were cheated on multiple times, and I have a lot of sympathy for you, and I'm sorry that happened to you. Please try not to be too critical of other people here. This is a support forum, not a judgment forum. What all of the people in this situation "deserve" is not the point here. Each situation is different. When somone makes a mistake, sometimes it's best for everyone involved if that person reveals and admits their mistake. Other times, it's best for everyone involved if the mistake is never revealed. The OP made a possible mistake getting involved in a situation that might devastate several of the people in the situation. Now, she's trying to figure out how to possibly fix her mistake, possibly without hurting innocent people. The OP might not be as horrible as the man who hurt you, ThatJustHappened. Maybe her H would have a happier life not ever knowing what happened, especially if she decides to stay with him. However, maybe her H would have a happier life if she admits what happened and they work on their marriage together. Maybe her H would have a happier life if she admits what she did and her H decides to divorce her. Jeez, so many of us make choices and mistakes that we never should have made. But after the mistake, the correct way to handle and reveal will be different for different situations. So you think it's fine to cheat as long as nobody finds out? She's already hurt innocent people. You can't undo something like this, you can only make up for it. Her husband deserves to know. She has taken his choice away from him by not telling him what she did..he should be the one who gets to decide whether or not to stay with him after she cheated, not her. He should be the one to decide what makes him happy and what doesn't. I appreciate your sympathy but I don't really care about the guy who cheated on me anymore. I make jokes about hoping he has herpes but really I just think the whole situation is funny now. He's been trying to make up with me and win me back sporadically for a few years now..he even sent me a plane ticket to Hawaii. He didn't leave any lasting scars on me..I'd have felt this way whether I'd been with him or not. I think cheating is vile. 2
lynn1954 Posted April 17, 2013 Posted April 17, 2013 I think cheating is vile. The title of this forum is "The Other Man / Woman: The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner." The forum is supposed to be for the OWs to talk to each other. The forum is not supposed to be for others to post criticisms and judgments about them. To me, it appears that many of the OWs here are relatively patient with posters like you who come here specifically to criticize them, argue with them, constantly remind them that you believe their actions are vile, etc. When you get too strident, they simply say "Well, let's just agree to disagree". On some other websites, the moderators would block posters who were criticizing and antagonizing the people that the forum was designed for. Can you please try to be a little less judgmental and critical?
ThatJustHappened Posted April 17, 2013 Posted April 17, 2013 The title of this forum is "The Other Man / Woman: The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner." The forum is supposed to be for the OWs to talk to each other. The forum is not supposed to be for others to post criticisms and judgments about them. To me, it appears that many of the OWs here are relatively patient with posters like you who come here specifically to criticize them, argue with them, constantly remind them that you believe their actions are vile, etc. When you get too strident, they simply say "Well, let's just agree to disagree". On some other websites, the moderators would block posters who were criticizing and antagonizing the people that the forum was designed for. Can you please try to be a little less judgmental and critical? Actually I'm pretty sure this is an open forum where people from all walks of life can come and openly discuss their situations, experiences, and opinions. You are entitled to your opinions just as I am entitled to mine. If you have an issue with my point of view, don't read my posts..but I do not appreciate being preached to. I certainly am not someone who comes here just to criticize. I have been openly sympathetic to plenty of OWs who are trying to extricate themselves from negative situations. I said I think the act of cheating is vile, not that I think a certain person or certain people are vile. I think it's great that the OP came here to get other opinions on her situation and I truly hope she does the right thing. I'm neither judging nor criticizing her, I'm simply providing my point of view. I think what she did was wrong, but she can make up for it by doing the right thing. Her husband isn't here and isn't well-informed enough to stick up for himself, so I'm sticking up for him instead. It's my belief that he has a right to know what his wife has done and decide for himself how he wants to handle the situation instead of having that choice taken away from him by not being provided with the pertinent information. I'm sure you will judge and criticize my response again, but don't bother replying as I am putting you on ignore. 4
Lightglowabove Posted April 18, 2013 Posted April 18, 2013 Hello, i have been lurking for a while and decided to finally post. I am hoping the kind OWs and OMs can give some advice. I am a MW, I met a MM online 3 months ago. Yes I know it is wrong. I'm in a bland sexless marrage for my kids. I know what he tells me about his marriage...not sure how true it is or isnt. I have fallen head over heels for him. He is kind to me, has manners, funny, loving, good lover, good career, handsome.......you know the routine. We see each other multiple times per week. Filling in those times with texting, talking on the phone. It has been a very couple of intense months with both of us telling each other we love each other. Its much more of an EA,the PA is limited. We just connect...on every level. MM married 20+ years, me 15 years. He says he wants to leave the W. Says he will talk to atty soon. I don't think I could leave my H for my kids sake. I am not sure, but I do see him in my life long term. This is just so quick. i am at the point of disliking his W and not wanting to share him. So does my story sound familar? Can somebody give some words of wisdom? I know that this is end up hurting and ripping my heart out whatever happens. Thanks! His name's not Ron, is it? lol 1
RickFox Posted April 18, 2013 Posted April 18, 2013 If you are staying for your kids, you have no business having an affair. My xmw used that as her excuse in the end, "I'm staying for my kid man." Like kids don't know when things are horrible at home, hers did.
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