hopelovepeace Posted April 17, 2013 Posted April 17, 2013 I have been with my husband nearly 15 years and still love him though like many couples we have had our ups and downs. He's a great dad to our 14 year old son and continually tries to support me throughout dealing with past issues . I've reached a stage where my self esteem is so low I honestly feel my hubby would be better w/o me, I love him and my son but feel crap for always putting him through my issues. I have always had a fear of those close to me leaving me and this is down to past issues I don't wanna discuss here. Lately I've been pushing my hubby away and have now convinced myself (due to my lack of self esteem) that we should part. I feel we need to separate so that I can find myself again and work on me and my problems, I want to build myself up again so I can be a stronger person and the wife he deserves, yet I'm dependant on him (emotionally) . I don't feel it's fair to keep draining him emotionally like this. Would a short term separation help where I learn to be independent and work on myself help? Or is this selfish when he's always supported me. I love him but I can't keep depending on him, I'm scared someday he will resent always having to be the strong one, yet I've tried to sort out my issues while with him but it's just led to resentment.
Eggplant Posted April 17, 2013 Posted April 17, 2013 Self-sabatoge? You are so afraid of his leaving, that you push him away from you and be done with it, so you won't have to stress out about it anymore. Am I right? Also, have you tried therapy?
Author hopelovepeace Posted April 17, 2013 Author Posted April 17, 2013 I completely know that's what I'm doing eggplant .........That's the sad part. I truly think I need to work on myself now rather than hoping he can do that . I guess my question is , can I work on me while still being dependant on someone else
Eggplant Posted April 17, 2013 Posted April 17, 2013 I truly think I need to work on myself now rather than hoping he can do that . I guess my question is , can I work on me while still being dependant on someone elseYou remind me of my mom... She has very low self-esteem and always leaned on me growing up. She is brilliant, talented, hard-working, and caring. And yet she withers from low self-esteem. And her worst fear is abandonment. Living with somebody who constantly begs you to lift them up and melts when you don't is exhausting. She refused therapy. But anti-depressants have helped her a lot. They keep her from panicking and she is much calmer with them. Lean heavily on your therapist. What about marital counceling? Your husband has been with you for 15 years. He knows who you are, insecurities and all. He's seen your worst hand, and he's still there. Trust that every human being has things that are hard to deal with, like you have. In your case, some self-esteem problems. Have faith in yourself that you can work through them. I have no idea whether your relationship dynamic is healthy. A professional might know... Absolutely find a therapist you are comfortable with (surely you have one please???) But don't be so quick to shut out the people who love you. 1
Mr. Lucky Posted April 17, 2013 Posted April 17, 2013 Lately I've been pushing my hubby away and have now convinced myself (due to my lack of self esteem) that we should part. I feel we need to separate so that I can find myself again and work on me and my problems, I want to build myself up again so I can be a stronger person and the wife he deserves, yet I'm dependant on him (emotionally). He's hung in there with you through 15 years of "issues", through thick and thin, great husband and father, and his reward for this is...you're kicking him out ??? And you think that somehow losing the person that has supported you is going to solve your problems? That plan makes sense only to someone that doesn't think they deserve happiness. As Eggplant suggested, IC is the best place to figure this stuff out. And what about your son? You're willing to break up his family in service of your needs? Wrong... Mr. Lucky 1
Glowy sun Posted April 19, 2013 Posted April 19, 2013 What exactly do you think a separation from your husband will do to help you work on your personal issues other than assuaging your guilt of burdening him. If you feel like you're burdening him, then unload your issues elsewhere, like a counselor or a good friend. Based on what you've said, it sounds like you just want to run away from your problems.
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