PrayingDaily Posted April 16, 2013 Posted April 16, 2013 Ok, I had dated the absolute love if my life for 3 years. We were on and off b/c he had/has commitment issues and a divorce from his highschool sweetheart after they had been married 8 years. He has 2 children from that marriage (12 year old son he legally adopted & 9 year old biological daughter). I have 2 sons (10 & 12) After our last break up he begged for me back and proposed! We both believe in God but as being people have both struggled with doubts and such. I was married exactly 3 years to the day of our very first date. One month into the marriage I find out a few IMPORTANT things that made me lose all trust in him. Now in his defense I reacted like a crazy woman when I found out. I will say, regardless of his role in this I should never of acted out (screaming and just saying awful, hurtful things). I sincerely apologized to him but made it clear the trust is still broken. We went once to a Christian counselor but he refuses to go back. He won't answer the phone and speak to one of the pastors at our church whom he is good friends with. So now, 2 months into our marriage he has filed. I'm just not sure what the heck is going on with him! I pray about it often and trust God with my future regardless of the outcome but am still very hurt and kind of taken back by his lack of effort to fix our brand new marriage! What the heck?!?!?! I feel like I'm taking crazy pills or something! My children who live with us know we will most likely be moving out soon. We haven't told his kids yet. He still wears his ring. Emotionally I'm so hurt I've started to shut down. My main concern has shifted from not losing my best friend to financially getting ok (I'm a stay at home mom). That in itself worries me that his continual coolness towards me has helped ruin my love/affection for him. Ummmm, just needing to vent I guess. But maybe if he divorces me then a better plan/life will be in store.
ForeverHopeful1 Posted April 16, 2013 Posted April 16, 2013 We cannot help you unless we know what actually happened. This is sooooooooo vague. What were these IMPORTANT things you completely lost your mind over?
Author PrayingDaily Posted April 16, 2013 Author Posted April 16, 2013 He was looking up porn on his phone, talking to another girl while we were broken up (but lied about it) and had a one night stand with a married woman (while we lived together) and she got pregnant (or so she says) then she had an abortion.
Author PrayingDaily Posted April 16, 2013 Author Posted April 16, 2013 I can overcome a lot but not lies and being used. He is treating me like a villain b/c I don't trust him but openly admits he gave me every reason not to! He is now emotionally distant from my boys. I'm frustrated and hurt.
2sure Posted April 16, 2013 Posted April 16, 2013 In a new marriage with new living arrangements we often find out new things about our spouse that we didn't know before. He throws his towels on the floor, she forgets to flush. He can't balance his checking, her car insurance is awfully high. Not deal breakers, but issues. But some things are deal breakers. I found out my x husband was a serial cheater cruising Craigslist basically at the wedding. He Found out my daughter actually did misbehave ALL of the time. So, whatever you found out might have been an issue or a deal breaker. And either your finding it out or your reaction was a deal breaker for him. I'm curious why , after only 2 months, you have to refigure your finances to move out of his place?
Author PrayingDaily Posted April 16, 2013 Author Posted April 16, 2013 I'm sorry, I'm typing this and leaving out so much detail. We lived together (biggest mistake ever) a year before we got married. I am a stay a home mom and it was planned to stay that way thru the summer so I could watch all 4 kids to keep them out of daycare. I knew that was wrong to move I with him before we were married but was stupid and did it anyways. He makes great money and was happy I wouldn't be working. But I didn't find these things out until after the marriage. We had broke up while I was living here...I'm left to temporarily live with a friend but all my things remained here at our home. His proposal got me back.
Author PrayingDaily Posted April 16, 2013 Author Posted April 16, 2013 I let a nasty tempered reaction show the worst of me and I'm not proud of it AT ALL! I'm just very hurt I guess...more so b/c I feel like he's wanting out more to avoid facing what he did and talking it out.
2sure Posted April 16, 2013 Posted April 16, 2013 That makes sense. No one has hindsight. Still sweetie, what on earth did you find out that he just can't bare you know? Cuz that's what it sounds like. As if you got too close for comfort , especially for someone with demonstrated commitment issues.
Author PrayingDaily Posted April 16, 2013 Author Posted April 16, 2013 He says he's ashamed about everything he's done but says our marriage shouldn't have these problems after a month. My only reply was that any marriage is only what people put into it. Ours has been fed by lies and sexual inappropriate situations...by him. I'm just mad that I was/am willing to pray and counsel through this and he's not. A bit pathetic but honest.
Skeewee1 Posted April 17, 2013 Posted April 17, 2013 I pray for your healing to praying daily. The bible says make you wants known to The Lord and believing in him you will receive. I try to do that, but things look so dim. He just acts like this is so easy for him like he hasn't been with me for almost 14 years. How do u throw someone away like that????
KraftDinner Posted April 17, 2013 Posted April 17, 2013 He had sex with a married woman while you were living together and got her pregnant...and YOU are the evil one for screaming at him?
Author PrayingDaily Posted April 17, 2013 Author Posted April 17, 2013 I wish I knew. I'm battling the same thing but with less years involved. We aren't always asked to keep faith because we u understand but because God is faithful to us. Imagine seeing a parade through a hole in the fence. You know what's already past, you see what's passing at the moment and although you hear what's next you can't see it. God can guide the entire parade if you allow it. We might be upset and see minimal action in our distress but regardless of what we think is coming we are limited to only what we remember from the past and see in the present. Only God sees the entire parade and knows that the best part doesn't have to be in the beginning or middle. He knows the treasures in store for us and the pain. He's with us in every good and bad situation. That certainly doesn't change the pain and confusion but knowing He's there in the storm can give you strength, if only to take your next breath.
Author PrayingDaily Posted April 17, 2013 Author Posted April 17, 2013 Kraftdinner, yeah, that's where a lot of my pain and anger is stemming from. He's turned it around to deflect away from his destructive activity.
Techie Artist Posted April 18, 2013 Posted April 18, 2013 Hi, Praying. So sorry for your situation. I am a Christian and generally understand where you're coming from. However, there are some strange bits of information to be collected. You have 2 or 4 biological children? If he is not the father of your children, were they out of wedlock? Where's daddy in that regard? When did you find your faith? You sound kinda new to the faith because of some of your self battery over saying something unkind to him. If you feel you've been abusive, that's another story...but to beat yourself up for your reaction to his infidelity and perversion is not what God has for you. You need to value yourself more highly. You are married to a guy (intentionally not calling him a man) who isn't married to you. He has no intention of being your spouse. Porn is offensive to God, but adultery is a totally different thing for us to deal with. I believe in marriage, but I don't think you're in a covenant relationship with this guy. Take your kids and move on.
Author PrayingDaily Posted April 18, 2013 Author Posted April 18, 2013 He has 2 children from his previous marriage (1 adopted, 1 biological), I have 2 sons from a previous marriage. I have always "believed" in God but never tried to really follow God and all until more recently. But while trying to be closer and more intent on a real relationship with God I did live with my husband before we were married. I struggle in sin like anyone else but that's no excuse. I really feel like I was verbally abusive and am ashamed but know that is not a "get out of jail free" card for his behavior. At this point I should just take my boys and move on. He has filed and though I won't participate in the divorce it will happen either way. Regardless of my feelings (which are mixed up and changing daily) I won't see it as unreconcilable until the divorce is official. At that point I'd prefer absolutely no contact from him. I am looking for a job and plan to move out soon. It seems more and more that this is a toxic situation for me and my boys. If God changes his (our) hearts then He does, if not then I will need to lean on Gods love and trust He has an amazing future for me without my husband. I really appreciate everyone's advice and opinions in here! 1
Techie Artist Posted April 23, 2013 Posted April 23, 2013 If God changes his (our) hearts then He does, if not then I will need to lean on Gods love and trust He has an amazing future for me without my husband. This quoted statement was a revelation for me. I never thought about the fact that God can work the miracle even while I'm moving away. Hmm. I've been dragging my feet regarding filing for divorce. This may be the catalyst for change without my feeling guilty or disobedient or a covenant breaker.
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