jm651 Posted April 16, 2013 Posted April 16, 2013 New to here, so wanted to say Hi first I am 43, divorced with 3 kids...have been dating a man 41, divorced with no kids. Have known each other for years, but he recently pursued me, and have been dating for 3 months. Live an hour away, so don't see each other much..but have been in daily contact since day 1. We were both well aware of each being divorced/child situation. Things have been going very well, thinking we were both in a "whole lot of like". Out of the blue, he stops all contact for days. When he does reply, he is spinning about me having kids already & afraid to "fall in love with them"(he has not met them yet !) maybe he wants one of his own kids, not sure if we are on the same page about having a kid, confused because I am amazing & all he thinks about, etc. I was reeling by all this..because we had never had a serious conversation yet. I was the one who wanted to approach him about 2 weeks ago & see how he felt about moving onto the "next level" of the relationship- seeing each other more, talking about meeting parents, kids, etc. Everything had been really good, and it felt like things were progressing to that point. He was sick when I saw him last, so I didn't have the "talk" at that time...then the above happened about a week later, out of the blue. I did meet with him a few days ago & talked...at first he was (I guess) trying to break it off...saying he wasn't sure we should take things farther, incase he got too close to my kids ...because he was afraid of being hurt if things didn't work out. (Us having a baby never came up.) He was involved with someone last year, who did have kids..he apparently was very hurt over the kids when they broke it off. So I get it that he is afraid of having some de ja vu here. But I have purposely not had him meet my kids yet...felt we needed to be further along before that would happen. Also, he knew I had kids before we even started dating. So why start a relationship to begin with, then freak out now...get scared & have crazy thoughts running through your mind, things we NEVER have even spoken of yet ? And try to think of all the things that COULD go wrong, just because someone else did it ? Admitted he is panicking, not sure how he feels, not convinced we should break up. Says I am amazing & make him happy, but feels he needs to clear his head. He is really a super nice guy..not sure how I handle him...don't want to push him or push him away, but don't want to lose him either heartbroken
Poppy fields Posted April 16, 2013 Posted April 16, 2013 Sounds like he has had a change of heart. He may have entered the relationship under honorable pretenses, but has since reconsidered the kid factor. Completely within his prerogative and good that he let you know before he met your children. Maybe he will change his mind, maybe not. There isn't anything you can really do except not push him into something he has decided he is not ready or available for.
Author jm651 Posted April 16, 2013 Author Posted April 16, 2013 Thank you...he is very afraid of becoming attached to the kids "incase it doesn't work out"..I can't reassure him of anything right now, so that's a moot point. He cleary loves kids & would be traumatized if it happened again...but he is creating all this in his own mind. He is being very honest...and no, wasn't a fling type of thing. Also was having a birthday (so another year older), and found out about some health issues all around the same time. So thinking maybe he's having a HUGE meltdown as a guy right now. Said he wants to figure things out between us, but needs to clear his head...but haven't heard from him in a few days again.
mortensorchid Posted April 16, 2013 Posted April 16, 2013 YOu need to walk away from this for a bit and go on with other things. It's not your kids really that he's thinking of, it's himself. He based this fear on something in the past (that last gf whose kids he was tight with). Why? You're a different person than she is/was. If you can't approach something with a positive attitude then he's not worth your time and energy. Back off for a while and go do other things and then he'll give you your answer, even if it's never talking to you again. Sorry about this, I know it's hurtful, but that's how it is. 2
curlygirl40 Posted April 16, 2013 Posted April 16, 2013 Well I dont think there's much you can do, other than give him some space and time. I would be honest with him, that you would like to continue dating, and that you very much like him, but you understand how he's feeling and are agreeable to backing off. Then just mirror his level of contact. As for the "I dont want to fall in love with your kids" -- well thats either one of two things: him honestly being afraid of his feelings and getting hurt; or him feeding you what he believes is the least painful line in order to end things. If he was teeling the truth, the reason he'd have gotten involved initially, knowing you had kids, was maybe he thought tiw ould just be a fun fling and didnt think he'd develop strong feelings. Exactly this. When someone needs their space, the best thing you can do is give it to him. Either his feelings will grow in that time and he'll decide it's worth the risk (love is always a risk, throw in some kids and it's even more risky), or he will decide this is not what he wants. If you fill that space that he needs with chatter, he won't have the time to decide what he wants and he will end things just so not to have to make a decision. Give him space and hope for the best. That's all you can do. He has some valid concerns. And unfortunately I think it's common for people to get into relationships with other people who have kids without really realizing what it means. Then when all of a sudden it feels more real, they can pull away because the reality of it scares them. Best of luck 1
Quiet Storm Posted April 16, 2013 Posted April 16, 2013 It may sound cynical, but he could be using the kids as an excuse to break it off. He may have just wanted a casual relationship with you, and didn't want to drag the kids into it, since he knew he wouldn't be sticking around. He also seems kind of selfish... most adults would be more concerned with the KIDS getting hurt by a breakup. He's concerned about himself missing the kids???? That just sounds like a lie to me....I don't buy his story. I think he's using the kids as an excuse to bow out. Give him space. Focus on your life, your kids. Surround yourself with people you love and keep busy with activities to get your mind off of him. 2
Author jm651 Posted April 16, 2013 Author Posted April 16, 2013 He never has met my kids yet...felt that needed to wait. This all ended up with us having some very calm conversations, him admitting that he's scared & freaked out right now. He spent time just hugging me, kissed a few times, held my hands alot & just looked at me, said he wasn't sure he wanted to end things & wants to see me again...but needs time to clear his head. I am keeping busy with kids & work, not contracting him other than to mail a birthday card & said " thinking of you, i'm around when you're ready to talk". I know i can't know make him do anything he doesn't want to...just feels good to vent cause inside im nuts right now.
BluEyeL Posted April 16, 2013 Posted April 16, 2013 I'm sorry you're hurting...I almost feel your pain physically, it sucks. I agree with the posters above, there is not much you can do unfortunately, give him space, and if he decides to, he'll come around. The worst you can do is nag him and beg, don't contact him at all, that's your best bet to get him to come to you. Start new projects and possibly date other people, after a little bit of time. Hope you feel better soon. Time heals everything. If he's not going to be in your life, it is better to end earlier rather than later.
spiderowl Posted April 16, 2013 Posted April 16, 2013 (edited) He thinks you're amazing and you make him happy but he doesn't see you as being the right one for the future. He doesn't want to get attached to your kids because he knows this. It doesn't stop you being amazing, it just means he's not the right one for you because he's half-in/half-out of the situation. If he's trying to extract himself from the situation because he's feeling it's getting a bit serious, he won't be expecting you to back off and leave him to it. Personally, that's what I would do. Go and find something else to do and not contact him, let him miss you. It's amazing what effect that can have on people. There are no guarantees though. I would assume he's not going to be there for you in future and don't waste time and energy on him. If someone wants to be with you, they will be clear about it, not fuzzy. Edited April 16, 2013 by spiderowl 1
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