underwater2010 Posted April 18, 2013 Posted April 18, 2013 I am currently 10 months out from Dday. I found out about the affair almost 1 - 1 1/2 yrs after it was finished. I would be the exception that you all fear. I was totally unaware, as I was working overnights to save money on childcare costs and make up for lost income after a major move. Things that happened while the affair was going on: 1. My father was diagnosed with lung cancer....stage 4. 2. He died within 4 months of her first pic/video being sent. 3. She tried to advise him on how to deal with the loss of my father. 4. I became pregnant with our third child at the spreading of my father's ashes. 5. She planned to met up with him while I was 3 and 5 months pregnant. 6. The MOW wished him congrats on the birth of child. 7. The funniest part was the he was one of many men she was carrying on with. I was blindsided. I have my ups and downs, but consider myself lucky in that there were no ILYs, lets run off and it ended before I found out. After all is said and done, I still think that people should respect marriage whether it be their own or someone else's. I believe that people look out for each other, and that those that don't care because they don't know you are the exception to the rule. 1
who_am_i Posted April 18, 2013 Posted April 18, 2013 (edited) I had been seeing xMM for 2 years. He was so kind, so genuine, and could string a sentence together. (major bonus) Not only that, but he listened to me when I spoke, too. We had a lot of good times together. Initially, us spending time together was only intended to add some excitement to the daily grind...but somewhere along the way we became more attached then I think either one of us was ready for...but, it was almost ok. He said that he never intended to leave his wife. He also said that had it not been for his children, he would be all for changing his situation...and that things were bad, just not bad enough yet. (I now understand these to be the MM go to excuses...too late) He had me believing he was this great guy who was willing to put the needs of his family before his own...and I kinda felt bad for him. (what a sucker) After a job transfer last summer he started to become distant and eventually ended things as "logistically" he didn't see it being able to continue due to distance. But that was short lived and we were back at it within weeks...though things wouldn't ever be the same again. It became almost a cycle. We would have a great time for a few weeks and then all the sudden he would get weird and a little standoffish. He started to say things like, I can't let myself fall in love with you. He would call and text less until I'd tell him to get it together in which case he'd apologize and we'd go out and have a great time for a few weeks and then all the sudden...(I think you get the point) This made me crazy. I can see now that I should have just let him go when this pattern began...but I couldn't. I didn't want to see him go. So, I began to settle for less & less, lower my expectations, and little by little my self respect disappeared. D-Day happened because of me. It had been day after day of emotional roller-coaster for just over a week. He wanted to be with me...then he didn't...then he couldn't...then he was going to try anyway cause he didn't want to say goodbye...then he had to say goodbye cause it was the only way...then he couldn't imagine not having me in his life. It was exhausting and with the constant ups and downs and crying and not sleeping I just snapped. Out of desperation and (what I can see now) selfishness, I sent her an email telling her in the nicest way I knew how that we'd been spending time together for 2 years. Naturally, he lost it on me. He told me that he was "done with me" and he "didn't care about me" and they were going to "work on it" so I shouldn't contact him again...and I haven't. It's been 2 very hard...very long...months. I miss him every single day. I know I had no right to betray him the way that I did and I'm quite sure that he will never forgive me and that makes me so incredibly sad. These days I think mostly about her. I feel so terrible for what I've done to her and those children. (I know the verdict is out on this around here, but...) She did not deserve the sh*t storm that I rained on her that day. Some days I wish that she would contact me as there are so many things I'd like to say to her...none of which have to do with him. Edited April 18, 2013 by who_am_i
Goodbye Posted April 18, 2013 Posted April 18, 2013 I had been seeing xMM for 2 years. He was so kind, so genuine, and could string a sentence together. (major bonus) Not only that, but he listened to me when I spoke, too. We had a lot of good times together. Initially, us spending time together was only intended to add some excitement to the daily grind...but somewhere along the way we became more attached then I think either one of us was ready for...but, it was almost ok. He said that he never intended to leave his wife. He also said that had it not been for his children, he would be all for changing his situation...and that things were bad, just not bad enough yet. (I now understand these to be the MM go to excuses...too late) He had me believing he was this great guy who was willing to put the needs of his family before his own...and I kinda felt bad for him. (what a sucker) After a job transfer last summer he started to become distant and eventually ended things as "logistically" he didn't see it being able to continue due to distance. But that was short lived and we were back at it within weeks...though things wouldn't ever be the same again. It became almost a cycle. We would have a great time for a few weeks and then all the sudden he would get weird and a little standoffish. He started to say things like, I can't let myself fall in love with you. He would call and text less until I'd tell him to get it together in which case he'd apologize and we'd go out and have a great time for a few weeks and then all the sudden...(I think you get the point) This made me crazy. I can see now that I should have just let him go when this pattern began...but I couldn't. I didn't want to see him go. So, I began to settle for less & less, lower my expectations, and little by little my self respect disappeared. D-Day happened because of me. It had been day after day of emotional roller-coaster for just over a week. He wanted to be with me...then he didn't...then he couldn't...then he was going to try anyway cause he didn't want to say goodbye...then he had to say goodbye cause it was the only way...then he couldn't imagine not having me in his life. It was exhausting and with the constant ups and downs and crying and not sleeping I just snapped. Out of desperation and (what I can see now) selfishness, I sent her an email telling her in the nicest way I knew how that we'd been spending time together for 2 years. Naturally, he lost it on me. He told me that he was "done with me" and he "didn't care about me" and they were going to "work on it" so I shouldn't contact him again...and I haven't. It's been 2 very hard...very long...months. I miss him every single day. I know I had no right to betray him the way that I did and I'm quite sure that he will never forgive me and that makes me so incredibly sad. These days I think mostly about her. I feel so terrible for what I've done to her and those children. (I know the verdict is out on this around here, but...) She did not deserve the sh*t storm that I rained on her that day. Some days I wish that she would contact me as there are so many things I'd like to say to her...none of which have to do with him. I'm sorry you are suffering. What you say makes me relieved that I held back on my urge to contact the wife after the MM initiated NC. Hang in there. 1
lilmisscantbewrong Posted April 20, 2013 Posted April 20, 2013 I am so mad. I typed this whole long sorry only to be interrupted and when I went back to submit it, it wiped everything out. Argh! So maybe the timing wasn't right. Maybe I will do it again later.
georgia girl Posted April 20, 2013 Posted April 20, 2013 I met the love of my life after someone else had broken my heart. We were all single. We dated for about a year and it took me at least six months to really fall in love with him. But after a year, the man I thought was the love of my life said he was not ready for a commitment. I said fine and walked away. I did the strictest no contact you could ever hear about. I didn't want to know his reasons, I didn't want closure, I didn't want to try and be friends... I literally walked out of a restaurant one night when he walked in. It was over and I was done. I knew how much I loved him and having had my heart broken a year prior, I know how much worse this heartbreak was. So, I couldn't be vulnerable to him at all. Immediately and persistently, he attempted to call me, text me, drop by my house, etc. (Within hours.) I ignored it all for weeks but it didn't stop. Eventually, a very good mutual friend came to see me and told me I was being cruel. That what I thought was self-protection was really trying to hurt someone for hurting me. Deep down, I knew there was some truth to that, but I was so angry to hear it. To prove that I wasn't just being spiteful, I met him for lunch. He was nervous at lunch. I think, in the end, that's what one me over. He knocked a glass over. He stopped and started with what he wanted to say. He appeared fragile. At the end of lunch, he asked if we could keep talking. I said yes. It took months for talking to really turn back into a relationship. We didn't sleep together for three months. The next morning, he asked me to marry him. I said no, but we didn't fight. I just needed more time. I told him honestly, kindly and fairly that I wanted to make sure we weren't both reacting to the sheer emotion of our situation. That I wanted to not just be on extended dates with him, but I wanted to try and see what actually living with each other and going about our lives would look and feel like. That, given distance from the emotion, would we both feel as we did then or would it fade. Three months later, nearly to the day, he took me away. On the beach, he got down on one knee and proposed and told me that he would not accept no. I actually dropped down to my knees to accept. We have spent the past two years building our marriage and our relationship. We were both old when we got married (think early 40s now) and we get that marriage is hard. But, we made a deal that we settled all questions about, "Sex, Love and Rock 'n'Roll" when we got married. (Our phrase.) Because of what we went through, the intimacy that we share is almost raw. So, why post here? I am neither an OW or a BS. I post here because I believe in strong women and I am fearful that we socialize women to believe that they are clingy or needy if they demand from their partners what they truly need to be happy. I was one of those women when I was single - I never dated a married man but I would want a commitment from a man and he wouldn't offer it to me but would to the next girl. So, I feel for the OW who wants more, is afraid that asking for more will mean the end of her relationship and all of the pain that she'll go through. I was that girl with a broken heart. But out of that broken heart, I got the most amazing relationship in my life and I want to encourage her to be strong. I am also a wife. So, I truly understand the position of the BW on here. Marriage to me is so intrinsically private, personal and precious that it bothers me when some dismiss the marriage as not important. It took everything I had to say I do and really mean it. There is only one person in the world who gets the me with no walls or boundaries. My spouse violating my trust would kill me; having another member of my own gender help him to do it would anger me immensely. In the end, I try not to judge but to advocate for the woman who is posting. If she's deluding herself, I try to be the friend who told me I was being cruel. It's so hard to hear, but better hearing it from a stranger on a board who you can get angry at then not hearing it. If it helps to make a better decision for her own self (not her relationship) in the future, then I have done my job. The other thing? I am a runner. I am currently injured. My husband is an athlete, too. He is currently not. So, his long runs gives me unfilled time and I post here. Rehab sucks. 3
who_am_i Posted April 20, 2013 Posted April 20, 2013 I hope you don't mind me responding... it's okay to let go of your feelings of guilt...whether they recover or not won't be because of you contacting her...i all your contact did was tell the truth, then you being honest with her isn't what caused the damage... please forgive yourself Of course I don't mind... I appreciate you saying its time for me to forgive myself...but if I'm honest, I'm not sure where the guilt stops and the regret starts. Giving her the truth was not all my contact did...and I did it for such selfish reasons.
skylarblue Posted April 20, 2013 Posted April 20, 2013 Long story short: I met xMM while visiting a friend's job. We'd never spoken before, but he struck up a conversation with me after my friend mentioned my interest in him. I didn't know he was married when I gave him my number (I also had a bf for about a year into the A), but found out shortly afterwards. Not only was I fine with it, but was attracted by it. We began a PA the next evening. The A was strictly PA for years with little to no interaction or knowledge of each other's lives. Eventually we became FWB, but my interest remained in the fact that he was married and (I believe) his in sex. In year 5, we had a pregnancy (didn't kept) and became EA/PA and (secretly) identified as a couple (with no intentions or desire for him to D). Year 6, we had a second pregnancy that resulted the same. Jan 1, year 7, dday happened but we continue to see each other. Eleven months later, I decided to end A (as I was no longer happy and able to be remain in it.) That was 1.5 years ago. We are still friends. It is not an intimate (physical or non-physical) or interactive R. Just a casual and friendly one. We both have gone back to our "normal" lives and doing well.
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