Getting to know you...

[loredo21]

So i notice a lot of people using the phrase "i don't know your story" and I know I am curious about others as well but it is a lot of work to go back and re-read everyone's posts. So here's a thread for everyone to sum up their story in one place. OM/OW WS and even BSs are free to share. What are the details of your affair, if and when it ended and where are you now.

[loredo21]

My A started in 2012 in the workplace. He was my boss of just a few weeks before things started. We had a love of music that drew us close together. Our first "date" was a concert that I invited him to (he had invited me to one first but that one didn't work out). Nothing at all happened that day. It was just a lot of fun and an escape of sorts from our lives at home. At first I looked at it as a budding friendship but that quickly turned into a crush. He picked me up one night from a girl's night and took me back to the office where he confirmed his feelings for me. And I for him. After that it was all in. We had a lot of fun together and definitely got enjoyment of taking risks and trying new things. I tried to break it off 2 times on an emotional level and both times he told me he would not be able to shut off his feelings. We talked every single day and saw eachother almost the same with work and all. He said constantly how he wanted to be with me and run away with me. Things were awful at home and he wife-bashed. I never bashed my H. The A lasted for a short few months before DDay when his W discovered messages from us on FB. I completely came clean to her. She told me he was not forthcoming with information so I had to be the one to be. I immediately told my H and it was the worst thing I have ever had to do in my life. MOM told me never to contact him again and that he loved his wife, blah blah blah. I quickly hopped in my car the next day and took a 3 week road trip to clear my head. H and I separated for about 7 months until we decided to R earlier this year. The R is not going so smoothly. And I haven't heard from MOM in 9months, and I am fine with that. Not sure where my life is going right now but I will be okay no matter what happens.

[pj4ever]

First time poster - thanks for this opportunity for the introduction.

 

I got into an affair, not with a married man but with an old high school friend who is in a committed long-term relationship with his live-in girlfriend (GF) of 10 years. It was 6 months after the death of my husband. I asked him out to lunch one day. All of us “high school buddies” had reconnected on facebook.

 

We spent time catching up on life and I invited him back to my house. There we just sort of started kissing and fell into bed together. I always had feelings for him, he was always a good, kind friend back then. After 40 years, he really hadn’t changed that much.

 

We got together maybe once every other week and a few weekends after that. His GF travels a lot for her job so it was easy for him to see me during those times. I planned these mini reunions with our high school friends so we could be seen together.

 

Most of the time it was facebook messaging, emails, phone calls/texts etc. His GF had no idea. This went on for 2 years.

 

Then I ran into hard times and was broke. He was very kind and paid my bills, loaned me and my daughter money, helped with the house, etc. I was paying him back as I could.

 

After about 6/8 months of seeing each other, I asked him if he was going to leave her. He said NO. But we kept up the affair. At about a year, I TOLD him to tell her. He was always with the “not now, ok-soon, I need to plan carefully”, etc. For another year, he avoided all questions. Sometimes I let it go, sometimes I got mad at him about it.

 

I finally planned a big weekend away last year, September 2012. He was ready and willing to go with me. Then SHE found out. We were texting each other one night and it was being captured by his iPAD which the GF was using. BAM! Busted. Early the next morning, about 4am, I got an email from him that she found everything – the chats and emails – and it was over. Goodbye. I tried to reason with him. I thought he was going to end it with her but he denied everything.

 

That was 7 months ago. He three times initiated the No Contact, but, after a couple of weeks I would email him and we would start talking again.

 

So after D-Day I’ve only had “electronic” contact with him on and off.

 

Where it stands now? I have no clue. Apparently she forgave him and they are planning a wedding. I have not seen him (in person) since the D-Day. I am blocked on his phone and several email accounts he had have been deleted. I miss him very much and one of my wishes is they will finally split. I sent him one email where I told him I wished it was me he was taking to the county for a wedding license. He never responded to it. In fact, his last no contact email went on and on bla bla bla about how he’s sorry he hurt her but never mentioned how I was hurt. I’ve threatened to send her all the documentation I have where he said he’s leaving her. But I can’t. I don’t know why. I alternate between intense sadness and intense anger. I waited for TWO YEARS to be dumped? I am tired of lies and dishonesty but I still hold out that soon I will hear from him free of his GF fiancee’ whatever.

Edited April 16, 2013 by pj4ever
spacing

[AnotherRound]

My affair with exMM started about 10 years ago, he was 10 or so years into his marriage, I was about 3 years past my divorce. We met through mutual friends and became a couple. Prior to us becoming a couple, he and the now exW had several conversations about the state of their marriage and he proposed an open marriage until the children were grown and out of the house. His exW (which by the way, exMM recently found a notebook that his exW had written in all the things that she felt he had "done" to her and this one was confirmed in there) had refused to discuss anything, no counseling, nothing.

 

He explained the situation to me, and I agreed to carry on. At first, I was unaware that he was married as I was new to the area. I found out about 3 months in (we weren't seeing each other very much during that time, just dating) and we discussed it. I agreed to continue. We had an affair for 7 years, his now exW fully aware the entire time. She knew who I was, where I lived, where I worked, etc.

 

After 7 years, I just decided that their inactivity was intolerable to me anymore. They were keeping the illusion for the benefit of their children (which I understood on some level) and that wore me out. So, I ended it with him a little over 2 years ago. not quite a year after I ended it, they were in the process of divorce, and are now divorced and have been living apart and separated for over a year.

 

He and I are in sporadic contact by phone, no meetings other than accidental ones in public from time to time. We are not sure where, if anywhere, we are going to go from here - for now, we are both just living our lives, but talking from time to time. We are discussing possibly having a date to see how it goes - but there are some complications that we are trying to avoid (his children being affected being a huge one).

 

Through it all we have remained friends. At this point, that is all it may ever be from here on out, and I'm okay with that, as I think he is too. We have a bond and a connection that seems pretty unbreakable - and I have no idea how that will play out in the future.

[ThatJustHappened]

I was cheated on many times and treated like dirt by a heartless pig I was dating and it took me 5 years to grow some ovaries and walk away for good. He's been trying to win me back sporadically for 2 years now. I just laugh.

 

I hope he has herpes...

[AnotherRound]

My situation is sort of similar to AR, in that it's not your traditional, OMG I'm a total secret affair, but I don't know what else it is.

We met online... but we actually have mutual friends who are close to both of us. It wasn't a dating site or anythnig like that, it was actually an online group for our friends that kept them in touch with friends who had moved all over. Turned out that we had a few things in common that we were able to assist one another with and we became friendly.

 

Our affair was supposed to be sex. Just sex. Once, a weekend actually. I wanted physical interaction with someone and I didn't want any of the complications that I was afraid would go along with that. He was receptive and actually... as strange as it might sound, he was "available" and fit my needs and requirements. It wasn't a secret, she even gave permission for him to have sex with someone else as long as it didn't impact her/their lifestyle. She actually was fully clear on what was going on at the time. I verified that information.

 

So we had sex, and then we started to talk. Not flirty, not sexy, just talk, casually actually. We had a number of things in common that started the discussion. He was very supportive of the fact that I was just starting to feel "normal" again after grieving. There was some other stuff going on and he was easy to talk to. He thought I was too. We had a friendship, which I now realize was an emotional affair.. it never really registered, because the sex had been "shelved" after that weekend. The problem was, during all those conversations and friend time, we realized that we liked one another an awful lot and we became physically intimate again. This time there were no "advance" discussions, going on the "we already had permission" philosophy.. which was dangerous.

AND... bam. A wonderful friendship, a lot of mutual caring, physical attraction and geuine enjoyment of one anothers company we should have seen that we'd fall in love.

When we did I told him to tell her. He talked to her about it several times. She actually told him "I don't want to hear it, stop talking about it and buy me something pretty." Other occasions it became very clear that anything other than a FWB situation was not what she thought could happen and that she would have issues with that. Except.. it was a little late for that.

She has a lot of issues. I am not going to go into all of them, but she has some psychological/behavioral issues that she refuses to get help for. Any help she has gotten she's quickly undone. Not an excuse just sharing pertinent info.

They were married for a while before I entered the picture and she's struggled with her issues since she was a young teen, this isn't something that's developed because he had an affair.

I lost my husband right before his 30th birthday while he was serving our country. I have some very crappy genetics that impact my health a lot. He's been wonderful and supportive and is a big part of my support network, which makes me roll my eyes when people talk about how it's all sunshine and roses being in an affair.

I don't know what we actually have. He and I had a long conversation recently based on some of the threads from this site. She still knows, and yet doesn't.

(Please do not feel the need to point out that he could say anything.. I'm well aware of that and be sure that I did make sure the information is accurate)

I don't keep him a secret. He's known to everyone important in my life except 1 relative who lives across the country and that's more a situation of them no longer really being a part of my life than the need to keep him secret.

I personally am not cheating on anyone. I am part of having an affair, but I myself am not having one. I am having a relationship with a man I love. I have a boyfriend, who happens to be married.

I'm not looking for him to leave his wife, I know he isn't intending to..ever and I've never expected or needed him to. Where we each fit in one anothers lives works for us. So if I speak about something Im' not making justifications or absolving myself of guilt. I'm well aware of what my role in all this is, I accept my responsibility.

I don't know if that makes my scenario any clearer for anyone, but it might explain why my perspective is sometimes a little different.

 

I hear you. I often don't know how to "label" what exMM and I had. On here, some say it was absolutely an affair bc the exW didn't specifically agree - but others say bc she wasn't deceived that it was NOT an affair.

 

I still consider it an affair, simply because it was an EMR. I don't think it was quite an "open marriage" bc the exW just wouldn't react at all - so, her true thoughts/feelings about it were never known (a little more known now since the divorce, but then, NOTHING).

 

It's not always cut and dry, and I think that is really disconcerting to some people. I was okay with it bc I felt like since there wasn't deception - that we were all in agreement - even if just by doing nothing. Had it been any other way, I don't think I would have participated.

 

I think that on here, the stories get lost bc so many people are so convinced that it is exactly the same story over and over. I find it crazy that some believe that - as that would be no different than saying every marriage is EXACTLY the same. To me, it's difficult to analyze bc each situation has so MANY variables that I think it would be impossible to really analyze on here without extensive discussion.

 

I know that our situations are quite similar, and I also know of several others that have similar situations (I get pms and such) - yet, each is so unique in its own way. Interesting.

[HonestNeurotic]

I have a sexless marriage. And everything else in my marriage is totally cool. We have no children. It's a second marriage for me and he's 10 years younger with no children and no ex wife and never wanted either. Kinda bizarre that we're married. I said I was going to be single forever. So did he. ha! We both believe that Sex and Love are two different things that sometimes go together, but most of the time not.

 

I had an affair for four years and it ended kinda badly. But I was not in love with this guy. He was a serial cheater, (and sure, you could say that about me now as well, depending on your moral standards that you apply to people) married a long time with no children. He wasn't in love with me. A lot like me in many ways. The sex was not so great, but I always had a great time with him. I waffled over ending it with him (because I really just liked hanging out with him) and when I found he had another, then we broke it off.

 

So by accident, I read this article about online dating sites for married people. I think - okay - maybe I will find someone there. Insanity for about 99% of it was not at all what I wanted. I purposely wanted someone that was married, because I don't want anyone that would fall in love with me and do that bunny boiler thing. Doesn't usually happen, but it can. Also, safe sex is a must. My baby brother, my only sibling, died from AIDS at age 39 in 2004. Anyways, I had a narrow criteria list. It was the best way for me to meet someone that could fill that. I would never be with someone that I worked with, or someone that traveled in the same social circles as my husband and I.

 

And I met my current MM. And he fell for me hard. And I dunno why, but I fell in love as well. Though I would never want anything more than what we have. No way.

 

I have an open marriage. We discussed this a few months ago openly. Though I don't flaunt that I am going to see my MM. I've always had friends independent of my husband, so I am out with friends. He rather thought that I was sleeping with my girlfriend, because I spent a lot of time with her.

 

I live in a large metropolitan area, and that makes discretion easier without having to hide. Right now, we rarely see each other because he has a very sick daughter at home. He's also one of those fantastically busy executroid types. Unless he can take time away from his work, I will not meet with him. She was diagnosed with this after we had begun this affair, or I am pretty sure that I would not have gotten involved. Pretty sure he wouldn't have been looking either. We do not text or talk outside of work hours.

 

Alas, I think he likes the IDEA of me, and really, since he is not involved in my day to day life doesn't realize all of who I am. So yes, we do love each other, but it's really in so many ways kinda "silly". The sex is FANTASTIC! That alone was enough for me. I almost broke it off when he started this "falling in love with me" thang. I'm very aware that it could just be his midlife crisis or "something". I would like to just keep it as it is for a long long time. I won't say forever, as I plan on leaving the country in the next 10 years or so.

 

I found this forum, LS, when I found the married dating site. I was doing some research for an article (I sometimes write a column) I tried to join, however, no matter what I did, it didn't like my REAL email address I guess, as I couldn't get a confirmation email to "join". For months, I just read and read. I'm rather an emotionally distant person, and these emotional things perplex me and fascinate me. I've never felt what I do for the MM except with one other person in my life, and that was My Favorite Mistake.

 

I don't pretend to be "right" or "wrong". I only post what I KNOW to be true about myself and my interactions with others. Is it helpful to anyone except for myself? Dunno. We're all just people, and as such, have many similarities as well as many differences. I think it's wrong to place all WS, BS or OW's into one "category".

 

I can relate to many parts of many stories here. And while I am an OW, I am not looking for this man to be solely mine. It is in fact, why I chose a married man. I find it wrong for people to lie and make promises they have no intention of keeping.

 

And before the BS yell what about those wedding vows that I have? HA! I had the most unconventional wedding ceremony EVER, our vows were not of the OBEY kind, and it wasn't a church wedding. We don't hold those beliefs. I've not broken any promises to my husband. Nor do I find that sexual infidelity is some awful horrible thing. I just don't.

[So happy together]

I am pretty new here. I've posted some things, but never really told my story. I'll make it short. I have known my boyfriend for almost 20 years. We have been friends that whole time, and have always orbited around one another. We never had a relationship because we were both in marriages. I got divorced four years ago and didn't really talk about it much with my boyfriend. Then, about 18 months ago, we began talking more about his situation. His wife is an alcoholic and he stayed to raise her. He knew if he divorced he would have no control over what his daughter had to deal with concerning his wife. So, he stayed. Now his daughter is grown and as we began talking more about what was happening in his life, we just grew really close. It was an emotional affair long before it was a physical affair. When we did take it physical it was like everything fell into place for us. It cemented who we were to one another and how truly compatible we have always been. We stayed in the affair for over a year, then four months ago, he left.

 

He is living in an apartment and is getting on with his life. His stbxw was blindsided. She had no idea he was leaving, because she checked out of the marriage years ago. There was a Dday, at which point he denied nothing, and left. He never threw me under the bus, he never said negative things about me, he just told her that their relationship was a failure long before the affair, that it was not the fault of the affair.

 

This was a first affair for both of us, and since we are still together, I think it will also be the last. People on this forum keep telling me that he will cheat on me. I don't believe it for a minute. I really feel that our relationship is what a truly fabulous relationship is meant to be. Within the next year, I'll be living where he is, and we'll be together full time. I trust him implicitly.

 

He has suffered for this affair, and he says it is absolutely worth the things he's had to give up. Religiously it was difficult, and he is a business owner, many of his clients go to his church and he has lost a few. But, he accepts it and is moving forward. I'm so happy for him that he can finally do the things he likes with someone who appreciates it. I appreciate every little tiny thing he does for me. By that I do not mean monetarily. He does not give me money. It is not that kind of relationship.

 

We're really happy and I think it will remain that way as long as we nurture the relationship. I think we will, because we both know what it is like to be in a relationship where we are unloved.

 

<3

[lynn1954]

First, I became a BS (betrayed spouse).

 

Second, I became a DW (divorced woman).

 

Third, I became an OW (other woman).

 

Fourth, I became a RWUIWWPOMF (repentent wised-up independent woman with peace of mind finally)

 

I was married for 22 years, and to me it seemed like a basically happy marriage. I didn't know that my H was unhappy.

 

Then my H had an EA (fell in love) with an OW co-worker.

 

I found out about the OW in a very ugly way: he brought the OW into our home when he thought I'd be gone, but I came home unexpectedly and she was there. Thus I became the BS.

 

I was blindsided and devastated. We separated immediately, and divorced 2 years after that. Thus I became a DW.

 

The OW also divorced her H. My exH married her. They are happily married to this day.

 

I stayed alone for a while, then started dating. I met and fell in love with a man; at the beginning of the relationship I didn't know he was married, but then he told me. Thus, I became his OW.

 

Previously on this message board, I stated that I knew he was married, but "I didn't care". I'll take this opportunity to correct that: he told me that he'd already planned to get a divorce before he'd ever met me. I was stupid and naive, so I rationalized: because I had nothing to do with ruining his marriage, that it was okay to be with him. Later, I regretted thinking that way.

 

We stayed together for four years, but no divorce ever happened. I came to a conclusion that was partly moral, partly selfish: dating a married man was wrong in general for several moral reasons, and it was bad for me selfishly because it was going nowhere, I deserved better, etc.

 

I recently broke up permanently with him. I felt a lot of moral remorse and I felt really stupid for making bad choices. I came to this forum to feel camaraderie with other women who might have experiences similar to mine. Thus I became a RWUIWWPOMF.

[psm04]

Hi, thanks for starting this thread. Going to make this as short as possible.

 

2 years ago, I started an EA with a married co-worker of mine (I'm married also), which became physical as well (no intercourse). We fell in love fast, and hard. Both of us tried to end it several times, but we always kept going back. We never talked about leaving our current situations, but we said we loved each other and that we were both hurt about the fact that we couldn't be together. We had a very intense connection. Yes, I know that people on here have said that if you truly loved someone, you would leave, but it's not that simple when you have other things to consider. I do believe his reasons now, and I know my reasons for staying in my M as well. Anyway, for us, being together wasn't an option, and to prevent more pain and jealousy, I let him know once and for all that we could not continue to interact with each other in any way, and confided in my H about the EA.

 

Since that last conversation a month ago, we have had a few electronic interactions. The last time was about us planning to meet to talk about things, but I said that I couldn't. That was probably the last conversation we'll ever have.

 

I have gone through a ton of emotions over the past month; from sadness, to being angry with him and myself, to thinking of the happy memories we shared etc. I miss him and what we shared terribly, but I'm doing what is best for me and my marriage. My head wasn't in the right place during that whole time, and I am feeling more and more back to normal every day. I will miss him, though. :-(

 

There is a lot more I could say, but that was in a nutshell!

[Poppy fields]

I was an OW.

 

Then I was married and became a BS. We later divorced.

 

I then remarried and became a WW. We divorced, but not because of the OM and I did not stay with the OM.

 

I am now in my 3rd marriage and am very happily married.

 

That's the short version.

[Lillyfree]

great thread idea loredo, hopefully it's pinned.

 

met online, knew eachother for close to a year, EA for about 7-8 months, met a few times in person.

 

i'm married and he's in LTR.

 

my M has been going downhill for a few years before i met him. i was very close to giving up on it, and there were things brought up by both OM and i regarding the future... i believe he would have been my exit affair.

 

however, i've had a lot of problems pile on within a couple of months. health, family, work... and the only person who was there for me was my H. that, together with guilt and the fact that i felt like the worst person in the world, made me send a final email to OM. over 5 months NC now, and i'm pretty much over the whole mess.

[GreyhoundtoNowhere]

Hi. Let's see, both married. We worked together for years, then one day (literally) a comment was made and he started to pursue me. We started an A and then he had a SMALL D-Day months later (the BS just found one text and he just said we were just flirting). He sent a "I told my wife. I won't call anymore" text after that. I was heartbroken (not knowing the full extent of what he told her at that point...) I confessed to my H.

Then about 2 weeks later, after being treated like I was invisible at work, he contacted me again. And round and round we went.

I separated from my H. I am now divorced.

 

MM and I have been in this for almost 2 years now. He is 12yrs older... I see him every single day at work.

I am in my late 20's and so baldy just want to be happy. He has me. But, I am getting myself back little by little. He may love me, but not as much as he loves himself. I do see that clearly. Most days, anyway. I know I need to end this for everyone involved-- including myself. But, not having him right now seems impossible.

[loredo21]

I was cheated on many times and treated like dirt by a heartless pig I was dating and it took me 5 years to grow some ovaries and walk away for good. He's been trying to win me back sporadically for 2 years now. I just laugh.

 

I hope he has herpes...

 

pfffhhhttttt! HAHAHAHAHA!

[loredo21]

great thread idea loredo, hopefully it's pinned.

 

met online, knew eachother for close to a year, EA for about 7-8 months, met a few times in person.

 

i'm married and he's in LTR.

 

my M has been going downhill for a few years before i met him. i was very close to giving up on it, and there were things brought up by both OM and i regarding the future... i believe he would have been my exit affair.

 

however, i've had a lot of problems pile on within a couple of months. health, family, work... and the only person who was there for me was my H. that, together with guilt and the fact that i felt like the worst person in the world, made me send a final email to OM. over 5 months NC now, and i'm pretty much over the whole mess.

 

oooh how can i get this pinned?

[Lillyfree]

oooh how can i get this pinned?

 

you could send a pm to moderators requesting it to be pinned? would be handy.

[wanting more]

xMM and I worked together for about 3 years before A started. We traveled of together and became very friendly. Flirted a lot then one night while out of town, drank too much and ended up together. Within 2 weeks planned another work travel with intentions of being together physically again. I was a very HOW at the time. Had a d-day after 2-1/2 years. He down played everything to his BW and I followed right along. After about a month or two we decided to end the A because it was too hard That lasted about a month. We still worked together so it was hard having to see each other so much. The A started again and I was happy again. He gave me all the lines of I'm leaving her, give me time, I don't want to lose my kids. Blah. Blah. Blah. I fell for it. After another year there was another d-day (he had a different job now) and he threw me under the bus and rolled back and forth and back and forth. She believed his lies, blamed me entirely for the A. I found LS, finally started to comprehend the hurt I'd caused. Sent her a sincere apology with proof of the length of the A, emails with ILYs from him to me, plane tickets he bought for me, and times and stores with things he'd bought for me. She didn't believe me, I'd made everything up and I was crazy.

 

THEN

 

my SO found some old emails and discovered the A. Over the next month he and xMM BW met and started texting each other Abouf the A. He (my SO) had many many more details about it than she did. Then she started texting hi

100s of texts still putting the blame on me. Some were such rediculous unbelievable stories her WS said about me that my SO told her stop texting him and stay away from him

 

About a month ago, after 7 months of NC I started getting voicemails from xMM telling me he missed me and still loved me. Made me furious!!!! I called him a few days later and told him (on his voicemail) that If he contacted me again I'd forward the calls to his BW Couple weeks go by and I get a call from his BW saying she saw my # on his work phone and I need to stay away from him, then all the ugly horrible names you can imagine.

[wanting more]

Didnt mean to hit submit button

 

But I'll finish up

 

Every now and then I get breathing on my voicemail or ILY. Got an email from her saying she would out me to family and work. I told her I'd forward all her emails to my family and my bosses so they could respond and see how crazy she is. And also forward them and the voicemails to his bosses. This I think scarce her a little, she has said from the beginning she didn't want anybody to know about this.

 

I just ignore them now. It's their game, I struck out and am sitting in the dugout. Let them play against each other. ( my son just finished a baseball game :-)

[cocorico]

Our A was LDR, it lasted years, he had been M for decades, he had kids still at home, he had no plans to leave the M, it ticked all the "he'll never leave" boxes.. But he left her.

 

We have been very happily M with no trust issues and no regrets from either side, for longer now than we were in the A, and our R is as a passionate as ever. There was no "fog", no "bubble", no lies and no breadcrumbs.

 

I was treated with respect throughout, was fully integrated into his life during the A, was welcomed by his family and friends, and have never encountered any social disapproval toward the A, apart from on these boards.

 

I am neither pro-A nor anti-A, I do consider it a bald R choice for those who engage in it from a position of strength and whose needs are sufficiently met by it. I do not recommend As for those whose values are in conflict with the notion, or who "want more" than their A allows (or, more than their AP is willing to give), or those who place themselves in a position of danger or abuse through their choice of A partner or particular situation.

[So happy together]

Our A was LDR, it lasted years, he had been M for decades, he had kids still at home, he had no plans to leave the M, it ticked all the "he'll never leave" boxes.. But he left her.

 

We have been very happily M with no trust issues and no regrets from either side, for longer now than we were in the A, and our R is as a passionate as ever. There was no "fog", no "bubble", no lies and no breadcrumbs.

 

I was treated with respect throughout, was fully integrated into his life during the A, was welcomed by his family and friends, and have never encountered any social disapproval toward the A, apart from on these boards.

 

I am neither pro-A nor anti-A, I do consider it a bald R choice for those who engage in it from a position of strength and whose needs are sufficiently met by it. I do not recommend As for those whose values are in conflict with the notion, or who "want more" than their A allows (or, more than their AP is willing to give), or those who place themselves in a position of danger or abuse through their choice of A partner or particular situation.

 

 

Yes! This! This is how my R was as well. Since he's left the marriage, we are closer than ever and are planning our future. We are LD as well, and he'll be moving his offices and I'll be moving to where he is in the next year. We'll be starting our lives in a new place with new friends, a new life. I'm so excited I could split my seams!!!

[Goodbye]

I met my exMM wayyy back in 1987 at a college event. We hit it off and were deeply in love for a few years. He started a business overseas and we drifted apart. I felt pressured to marry pretty young, as was customary in my family, and I married the boyfriend after him. We were married for 17 years, had 3 daughters. Our marriage fell apart about 10 years in over family tensions and other factors. I filed for divorce 3 years ago.

 

About a year after my separation, I contacted my college bf after seeing his address in the University directory. I emailed him tentatively, not knowing anything about his present day life. He emailed me back, with great enthusiasm, but did tell me the news I didn't really want...that he was married and had a young son. I backed off, let him steer the friendship. During this "friendship" period, I even spoke with his wife on the phone a few times. My feelings eventually grew too strong and I needed to break from our friendship because of my romantic feelings. I emailed him telling him my feelings had evolved and I needed to have a break and get my head together. We stopped talking/emailing for a couple of months and then he contacted me saying that his wife had decided the marriage wasn't working and she wanted to separate. He said that he'd moved temporarily to their vacation home while they were figuring things out. He said he'd offered counseling, etc, but that she'd declined as her feelings had changed.

 

This was my understanding when I entered the romantic phase. A couple of months after he disclosed this to me he attended the wedding of a close friend who'd divorced and reunited with her first love. This got him thinking that he NEEDED to see me. I was hesitant at first, but a combination of my lonliness and feelings for him got the best of me and we planned a 4 day trip to the quaint town where we'd both gone to school. Things were passionate from the moment he walked off the plane. We were right back to where we were 25 years ago. Yes...I know now this is all the affair "bubble."

 

He returned home and allegedly was working on logistics of divorce with the W...he stated that it would be easy, as they had a pre-nup and were essentially "friends." I didn't have reason to question any of this.

 

We planned another "get together" that summer. We spent a week together and again, it was passionate and beautiful. Lots of promises. That we'd be married before the end of the year, etc. etc. etc. How we were soul mates, how never should have let the Atlantic ocean separate us all those years ago.

 

A month later I'm getting a little less patient with the fact that he is now living with the wife, allegedly "on the couch." I start to question some of his stories when he says he went here or there for the weekend with "guy friends," he becomes defensive. Still...I love him and I want him. So I ignore the signs and believe him.

 

We have another lovely trip together in October. More promises, more and more avoidance when I start to pressure the topic of separation and divorce. Lots of excuses about how he needs to be so careful to not hurt his 4 year old son in the process. I'm starting to get the picture. Still, he begs me to marry him. Even suggests I consult some IVF doctor about having my eggs frozen (NO ****) so that we have a good chance of having "the baby we should have had together" after his divorce. Still, he LIES to the wife in front of me, telling her about made up golf games with friends after he has just been in bed with me for 24 hours straight...

 

Things get complicated in my own life and I semi-break it off with him over the holidays. I just can't deal with thinking of him in his home with HER. He slowly moves back into my heart and in March we have yet another 4 day holiday together, this time he is allegedly a guest speaker at some conference but really we are in bed for 4 days. And I feel such love. But the love is dashed by sheer anger and confusion when he again stalls and debates why it is SO hard to end his marriage...a marriage between two working adults with one child. Meanwhile, I'm a single, divorced mom of 3!!! How does he think his quandary makes me feel??

 

Alas, last week I lose it when I know they are all home together during a blizzard. My imagination gets the best of me and I have visions of him curled up with his wife in front of the fireplace while their son does adorable art projects (yeah, right). I call him and my anxiety and paranoia are present. I tell him I KNOW they are together and that I believe he is a liar. I tell him that she deserves to know the truth of what she is dealing with, so she can decide for herself if she wants to live out her years with a wandering, lying man. I am mean and I regret a lot of the words that fly out of my mouth. I threaten to tell her the truth. He is scared. I hear it in his voice. He tells me it is HIS job to do so.

 

He emails me an hour later saying he told her and that she was "devastated." He asks me to "give him a few months" to "figure out his life." I cry and beg and cry and beg. I send a couple of sad emails...he emails me back, a little colder than usual.

 

Two days ago it clicked and I had enough. I committed to NC. I'm trying to keep my brain busy. I'm trying to learn that I deserve better than this. That even if he WAS the love of my life, he is unable/unwilling to change his situation. He is...a cake eater.

[Leiden]

Hello, another first time poster that's taking this opportunity to introduce myself

 

I'm a 26 y/o MOW, my MM will soon be 35. We met about a year ago in an online video game and were just friends for months... same old story of flirting and a relationship developing into an EA from there. He's always made it clear that he will stay with his wife until she divorces him and that he does still love her despite their rocky relationship. He's always been very honest with me about their M, even when the answers are quite painful to hear, it's something I really respect about him. Between that and the distance between us (he's in another country) I know very well that I won't become more than the OW, but I still want him to be a part of my life for as long as possible... and I guess a part of me still hopes that one day more could happen. Stupid I know, but I'm content with the situation right now anyway. He's handsome, smart, funny and hates going outside and dealing with people like me, so what's not to love? lol Not long ago I got my passport and decided to meet him in person and spend a week while his wife was out of town. Needless to say it went from EA to a PA and was one of the best weeks of my life. We still communicate online and just enjoy talking to one another as much as we can although it's been strained lately due to a lot of stress he's going through (not A related).

 

I guess I should say more about myself since I feel odd talking about him. I married young, have been with my H for 8 years, and grew up with an abusive father... I pretty much married the first man to ever show me real kindness lol but I never took into account compatibility or anything else really. My H is a good man but not for me, looking back I got married for the wrong reasons and just settled since I didn't think I was worth any more than that. Since meeting MM I've become more comfortable with the idea of wanting more in life. I've never lived alone, never held a job, can't drive a car or any of the normal things most people go through lol I hope to get some long overdue help for some mental issues and get my first job so I can move towards divorce and living life on my own over the next couple years. It would be nice if MM was still around by then, but if not I'm still looking forward to being by myself for a long time and if I ever do get over MM and want another relationship he at least taught me that there are guys out there who I could truly be happy with... but who am I kidding? I'm toally going to end up with 50 cats instead of a man haha

[Goodbye]

Hello, another first time poster that's taking this opportunity to introduce myself

 

I'm a 26 y/o MOW, my MM will soon be 35. We met about a year ago in an online video game and were just friends for months... same old story of flirting and a relationship developing into an EA from there. He's always made it clear that he will stay with his wife until she divorces him and that he does still love her despite their rocky relationship. He's always been very honest with me about their M, even when the answers are quite painful to hear, it's something I really respect about him. Between that and the distance between us (he's in another country) I know very well that I won't become more than the OW, but I still want him to be a part of my life for as long as possible... and I guess a part of me still hopes that one day more could happen. Stupid I know, but I'm content with the situation right now anyway. He's handsome, smart, funny and hates going outside and dealing with people like me, so what's not to love? lol Not long ago I got my passport and decided to meet him in person and spend a week while his wife was out of town. Needless to say it went from EA to a PA and was one of the best weeks of my life. We still communicate online and just enjoy talking to one another as much as we can although it's been strained lately due to a lot of stress he's going through (not A related).

 

I guess I should say more about myself since I feel odd talking about him. I married young, have been with my H for 8 years, and grew up with an abusive father... I pretty much married the first man to ever show me real kindness lol but I never took into account compatibility or anything else really. My H is a good man but not for me, looking back I got married for the wrong reasons and just settled since I didn't think I was worth any more than that. Since meeting MM I've become more comfortable with the idea of wanting more in life. I've never lived alone, never held a job, can't drive a car or any of the normal things most people go through lol I hope to get some long overdue help for some mental issues and get my first job so I can move towards divorce and living life on my own over the next couple years. It would be nice if MM was still around by then, but if not I'm still looking forward to being by myself for a long time and if I ever do get over MM and want another relationship he at least taught me that there are guys out there who I could truly be happy with... but who am I kidding? I'm toally going to end up with 50 cats instead of a man haha

 

You are too young to resign to being a cat lady.

[Leiden]

You are too young to resign to being a cat lady.

 

Resign? I'm looking forward to it! haha

[Goodbye]

Resign? I'm looking forward to it! haha

 

 

Yes, I think I would like to be a cat lady from now on.