funkymonkey123 Posted April 16, 2013 Posted April 16, 2013 Ugh. Long story. My bf and I started chatting online a little over a year ago. We were 1,000 miles away from each other, but eventually we expressed our feelings (after 200+ emails a day) and met in person. After we met, he decided to move out to where I was. Only, I was still married at the time. Going through a divorce. So, I couldn't move in with him right away. He wasn't too happy, but understood what had to happen. Then I got sick. Was diagnosed with cancer and had to get treatment in another state. So, I had to move away. And we had tried to move in together on four separate occasions, but we never could. Anyway, I'm due home in a little over two weeks (yay), but I'm having some insecurities about his roommate who is female. She moved in with him about two months ago. She's got a boyfriend, but he's controlling of her and they have a lot of issues. Thing is, she turns to MY boyfriend for advice when stuff gets bad with them. I learned she used to be a model, so whoopee, she's gorgeous too. She also tends to...say interesting things when her boyfriend and mine are there. Things about her body. Self-deprecating things which make me think she's fishing for compliments (which my bf is horrible at giving!). She also cooks for him, which is stupid, but I find that a bit...on my territory. Of course, if she didn't cook for him, he'd eat junk (silly man). My boyfriend and I have wonderful communication. I've brought this up with him a few times, just voicing my concerns, and he always says, "I completely understand. I know it's difficult. But I'm not attracted to her, she knows I'm not, and she has kids." Pfft. Yeah. I trust him TOTALLY. I don't trust HER. And it's possible it's because I don't know her. Never met her. He says she wants to be my friend. Wants to take me out for a drink when I get back. My immediate thought: she wants to size me up. Okay, okay. I'm getting long-winded. When my bf and I first started dating, he was very affectionate and sweet and would say how excited he was to see me. He's been looking for work and a bit low on money (definitely couldn't afford the apt on his own), so he's been a bit stressed. The other day on the phone, though, he told me that he's past the "infatuation stage," and he feels more comfortable with our relationship. "It works," he says. I don't know why, but that practically broke my heart. It came after our communication had dwindled a bit and I was feeling insecure. I'd call him crying because I wanted to be home so bad. And because I'd call him crying, I'd feel like I was being too clingy. A couple of days ago, we spent two or three hours on the phone. We've never spent that long on the phone. And since then, we've been chatting online more and he's sort of gone back to saying "I love you" at random moments and making me smile. Although he still needs to work on his compliments. I have to ask for them :-) Anyway, I know this is all totally on me. I know he loves me. He asked me to marry him (again) yesterday, and we already have a date in mind. He's told me he wants kids with me, and has reassured me over and over that this girl is not a threat. God, I KNOW she's not, but I can't help but FEEL it. He says, "I think she thinks of me as more of a girlfriend than anything else." I've had friends that have been way too flirty with past boyfriends before. When I was married, women constantly hit on my husband BECAUSE he was married. It's just...how I view women I don't know. It's stupid. And the thing with this guy is...I love him more than I've loved anyone ever. Our relationship has everything that not only I've ever wanted, but things that were missing from my marriage. We communicate, we're not afraid of expressing our feelings, we have discussions about our relationships instead of arguments, we have fun, and...yeah, I'll say it...he's wonderful in bed. I feel dirty for just writing that... Okay. I have rambled way too long. Any advice?
Els Posted April 16, 2013 Posted April 16, 2013 Is it just him and her living together, or are there other roommates (besides her kids)? Assuming it's just him and her... How did she come to move in with him? Had he known her before that? It's quite odd that he would choose to get a female for sole roommate when he already has a LT gf. I could understand him doing it if he'd already been living with her before meeting you, but that isn't the case. You say you communicate well. When he mentioned taking her in as his roommate, didn't you say anything about it? Why didn't you?
Author funkymonkey123 Posted April 16, 2013 Author Posted April 16, 2013 And I still left stuff out... It's just them living together. Usually her kids aren't even there. But on the weekends, she's usually gone. With her boyfriend or or her kids. Sometimes her daughter comes over, but he's usually alone on the weekends. He was looking for someone to replace the people who had the apt before him when they moved out. It was crunch time, and he had two people who were going to take it, but they flaked last second. She was the only one that came through. When he told me about it, I was all right with it, because he talked about her like...well...almost like a business opportunity as opposed to a hot female. Make sense? Like he said, "Oh, yeah. She's nice and I think we can all get along," as opposed to, "Yeah, she's GREAT." kinda thing. They didn't know each other before this. And I suppose I should mention that I'm 26, he's 25, and she's nearing 30 I believe. We've been dating about six months.
Els Posted April 16, 2013 Posted April 16, 2013 Ahhh, okay. Well, this is a tricky one. Personally I would have expressed my discomfort at the time itself. But now the lease has been signed, you were okay with it, and it would certainly be frustrating for him if you changed your mind halfway. Since you will be going back to where he is in 2 weeks I would just hang on and wait if I were you. Can't you move in with him when you get back? 1
Author funkymonkey123 Posted April 16, 2013 Author Posted April 16, 2013 Yes! That was the original plan. I was going to come home to him and we were going to live together. We are already planning stuff to do. Camping trip in June, etc. I can tell he's excited about it too :-)
Els Posted April 16, 2013 Posted April 16, 2013 Great, so that means his roommate will be out of your lives in 2 weeks. Don't see any problem here. Has he told her and have they arranged for the end of lease?
Author funkymonkey123 Posted April 16, 2013 Author Posted April 16, 2013 She'll still be living there when we share the place, because we can't afford it on our own until I get my old job back. But we have discussed and agreed to moving into our own place within three to six months because she has a cat allergy and I can't live without my cat.
Els Posted April 16, 2013 Posted April 16, 2013 Ah. Well, just move in and see how things go. Your presence might encourage her to tone down a little. 1
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