How to stop the questions....

[confused4321]

I am about 3 months out from D-day and I still cannot stop asking questions. I feel like the more we talk about it the more questions I have. He seems for the most part to try and answer the best he can, but part of me doesn't believe that he is giving me the complete truth. I feel like he is trying to down play the details so he doesn't hurt my feelings. He also gets frustrated with me because he thinks I should just let it go. I get frustrated with myself because I am tired of discussing it to, but how do you just let it go and move on. I feel like the further we get from D-day things are actually getting worse and I don't want to push him away. I keep having all these images of the two of them in my head and I don't know how to let that go. Part of me thinks that the reason I can't stop asking questions about the details is because I already have in my head what happened, so no matter what his answer is, it doesn't match what I already convinced myself in my head. He tries to tell me that the two times he had sex with her that he was feeling guilty and I believe that cannot be true. If someone is feeling guilty for doing something, then why would they go through with it? Did anyone one else ever feel this way?

[TaraMaiden]

Are you guys having counselling?

 

You're getting what's known as "Trickle Truth" and yes, it's partly designed to protect you from being hurt (Oh really? Could you honestly BE any more hurt?) but it's also designed to stop them from being a complete turd.

The whole truth also makes them look bad.

 

The fact that things are getting worse, not better, is a clear indication that for you, the issues are far from being resolved, and rather than you being satisfied with this story, it's just increasing your curiosity and desire to get to the bottom of it - but it IS a form of self-torture.

And this form of self-torture actually keeps you feeling injured and self-righteous.

it elevates you to the "I have a right to be hurt, and by golly, I'm gonna keep hurtin' till you feel it too!" level.

 

It gives you the power in the relationship - but it's a heavy power to carry, because ultimately, it's destructive.

 

The counselling question still stands.....

[Confused48]

We have such a similar LS name and similar problem. Except like Paperangle I'm a lot farther along. I'm 8 mo into this. Sorry to see you join this horrible club. I got my WS to be more forthcoming by getting WS to read the thread "pinned" at the top of this section. It really helped us both a lot.

 

You can be guaranteed that your WS is lying to protect you and lying to avoid/minimize consequences both. Especially this soon into it. Get ready for trickle truth. I hear it can go on for years.

[dichotomy]

Yep - minimize, deny, hide, deny again, misdirect, was not that bad, its all in your head.... standard M.O. for WS.

 

Has he provided you full access to his emails and texts?

[BetrayedH]

Yep, check out that thread at the top of the forum, Things Every WS Needs To Know. Your brain is smart enough to know that 2 plus 2 does not equal 5. He has the full picture. You have about 5 pieces of a two-thousand piece puzzle and are trying desperately to see the full picture. He has the answers but doesn't want to share them. Guess where the problem lies - with him.

 

I also recommend that your WS open an account at survivinginfidelity.com and post his story under the "wayward side." It is filled with former waywards that will make it clear to him that your questions are HIS fault and he needs to not complain about them but address them fully or you will remain "stuck" thanks to his continued selfish actions. They will call him out for his efforts to protect you from the truth. Since when is his judgment good about what you can handle anyway? His judgment sucks in that department. And it's your turn to have the truth and judge for yourself. When you see him fully vulnerable, that's when you might be able to start believing, accepting, and forgiving. And as Bent said, it can take years when he's doing the right thing. If you are pressuring yourself to stop asking questions, you're pressuring the wrong person to do the wrong thing.

[leonine]

The questions will subside when you feel you have the answers you need. My BH and I are about a year past d-day and every now and then he'll have a question, but it's usually a new one, not rehashing the what's when's and other details. We got most of that stuff out in the first couple of months, but we must have gone over them all a dozen times.

 

If there's one thing I did right in all this, it was that once I decided to tell him, I told him everything he wanted to know. I think that made what I think of as "the fact finding phase" relatively short. My answers were consistent and made sense in the timeline of our marriage, so he eventually felt comfortable that I was telling him the whole truth. Once he felt he had the truth, we could move on to the next phase of me showing my remorse and him deciding if he wanted to work on forgiveness. We wouldn't have been able to move forward with reconciliation if he didn't know the whole story of what he was trying to forgive me for.

 

TT is the worst. If I could give a WS any bit of advice it would be to avoid it. You're not going to make anything better by only telling half the story. What's the difference between me f'ing the OM 5 times or 10 times? Not much. They're both horrible. If I say I did it 5 times though and then my BH finds out later that it was 10, then I'm still a liar and we're back to square one. :-(

[BetrayedH]

The questions will subside when you feel you have the answers you need. My BH and I are about a year past d-day and every now and then he'll have a question, but it's usually a new one, not rehashing the what's when's and other details. We got most of that stuff out in the first couple of months, but we must have gone over them all a dozen times.

 

If there's one thing I did right in all this, it was that once I decided to tell him, I told him everything he wanted to know. I think that made what I think of as "the fact finding phase" relatively short. My answers were consistent and made sense in the timeline of our marriage, so he eventually felt comfortable that I was telling him the whole truth. Once he felt he had the truth, we could move on to the next phase of me showing my remorse and him deciding if he wanted to work on forgiveness. We wouldn't have been able to move forward with reconciliation if he didn't know the whole story of what he was trying to forgive me for.

 

TT is the worst. If I could give a WS any bit of advice it would be to avoid it. You're not going to make anything better by only telling half the story. What's the difference between me f'ing the OM 5 times or 10 times? Not much. They're both horrible. If I say I did it 5 times though and then my BH finds out later that it was 10, then I'm still a liar and we're back to square one. :-(

 

True dat. My WW could have reconciled had she just come clean and not kept lying over 8 months. What a waste.

[ComingInHot]

Confused wrote " Part of me thinks that the reason I can't stop asking questions about the details is because I already have in my head what happened, so no matter what his answer is, it doesn't match what I already convinced myself in my head. He tries to tell me that the two times he had sex with her that he was feeling guilty and I believe that cannot be true. If someone is feeling guilty for doing something, then why would they go through with it? Did anyone one else ever feel this way?"

 

The above is my FWH's story. Actually hearing or rather reading from you makes me believe him more. So, a painful thank you.

Three years out, I can see how my H felt guilty (not enough to have stopped but still)...

 

When people Have a conscience, and Know what they're doing is wrong, most of those people Do, in fact Feel, guilt... because they are.

 

So why do it? Great question! A few nights ago, I didn't tuck my kids into bed (I know. A sorry comparison). I was tired, cranky, the sun was in my eyes... I had no real Good reason. I get guilty about it. I ended up going upstairs after they were asleep and kissed & prayed over them trying to make up for it. I told them the next morning what I had done. I said sorry and asked for forgiveness. They Did foregive me, but kept asking me why I didn't tuck them in. Part of me just wanted them to "forget about it & move on". I kept handing out excuses til I realized & told them I had no GOOD reason. It was selfish & I wouldn't do it again.

 

I'll have to prove it to them over and over each night until they eventually believe me and will no longer ask me if I'm still going to tuck them in.

 

I think it was like this for my H.

Three years (actually maybe two and a half) and I am finally asking less and less as he proves more and more*

 

CIH

[Furious]

I am about 3 months out from D-day and I still cannot stop asking questions. I feel like the more we talk about it the more questions I have. He seems for the most part to try and answer the best he can, but part of me doesn't believe that he is giving me the complete truth. I feel like he is trying to down play the details so he doesn't hurt my feelings. He also gets frustrated with me because he thinks I should just let it go. I get frustrated with myself because I am tired of discussing it to, but how do you just let it go and move on. I feel like the further we get from D-day things are actually getting worse and I don't want to push him away. I keep having all these images of the two of them in my head and I don't know how to let that go. Part of me thinks that the reason I can't stop asking questions about the details is because I already have in my head what

 

 

happened, so no matter what his answer is, it doesn't match what I already convinced myself in my head. He tries to tell me that the two times he had sex with her that he was feeling guilty and I believe that cannot be true. If someone is feeling guilty for doing something, then why

would they go through with it? Did anyone one else ever feel this way?

 

 

I'm so sorry for the anguish you're going through.

At only three months after your d-day, your question shouldn't be on how to stop the questions but rather on getting those questions answered.

 

It's perfectly normal to want to question and digest and then follow up with more questions. You need to put the pieces together and to get the full picture.

 

As a betrayed spouse, until you're satisfied you have the full truth, only then can you make the choices and decisions that are best for you.

 

 

Do not be afraid of getting the truth you need, the truth may hurt but the lies will hurt you more.

 

Keep strong and trust you gut.

Edited April 17, 2013 by Furious

[Snowflower]

Posted in wrong thread, sorry!

Edited April 17, 2013 by Snowflower

[confused4321]

Thanks everyone for your advice. Even though I am not glad that any of you are in the same situation as me, it's nice to know that I am not alone and my feelings are not wrong. At this point my friends are tired of hearing about it and think that I should just get over and move on as well. I might have thought the same thing to if I wasn't the one going through. I always thought I would be one who could never stay after an affair. Anyways to answer a few questions. We cannot afford to go to counseling right now because during all of this I ended up quitting my job (stupid I know) and of course he had to quit his due to the fact that they worked together. Long story short we are living off savings and have been together everyday all day since D-day. I hope that the questions get fewer and far between, but at this point I don't see any light at the end of the tunnel. So I will take your advice and give it more time, since I have read several times that 3 months really isn't that long. Again thanks it makes me feel better knowing there are people out there who understand completely and let me know that I am not really crazy.

[wifehurtheart]

I am about 3 months out from D-day and I still cannot stop asking questions. I feel like the more we talk about it the more questions I have. He seems for the most part to try and answer the best he can, but part of me doesn't believe that he is giving me the complete truth. I feel like he is trying to down play the details so he doesn't hurt my feelings. He also gets frustrated with me because he thinks I should just let it go. I get frustrated with myself because I am tired of discussing it to, but how do you just let it go and move on. I feel like the further we get from D-day things are actually getting worse and I don't want to push him away. I keep having all these images of the two of them in my head and I don't know how to let that go. Part of me thinks that the reason I can't stop asking questions about the details is because I already have in my head what happened, so no matter what his answer is, it doesn't match what I already convinced myself in my head. He tries to tell me that the two times he had sex with her that he was feeling guilty and I believe that cannot be true. If someone is feeling guilty for doing something, then why would they go through with it? Did anyone one else ever feel this way?

 

Many years after it happened, my wife confessed to a ONS she had on an overnight trip to another state not long after we married. We are about 13 months out from D-day, and I have asked a bazillion questions (some of the same ones several times over - especially in the first three or four months after D-day). I feel that she has tried to answer honestly and patiently. She told me on D-day that should would answer anything I asked and I think she has tried to keep her word. I still ask a question about it every once in a while, and even though I can tell by her body language that she wishes this wasn't still so much in my mind as it is, she still answers patiently and respects the fact that I have a need to ask the question. I believe she owes me that, and I think she truly understands that she does.

 

Regarding the part of your post that I highlighted above, I spent several months in IC, and my counselor and I discussed in depth my seemingly endless need to ask my wife questions. One of the points he made is that, because we, the BS's were not there during our WS's betrayals, we will never know for sure what exactly took place so we're always going to imagine the worst and feel that something is being purposely left out. As he pointed out, the only two people on the planet who know for sure what went on (in my case) are my wife and the OM, and that is a fact that I (and all BS's) have to live with. It's not fair, but it is what it is.

 

I do think your husband should be willing to answer your questions for as long as you feel the need to ask them, and three months out isn't that long. You didn't make the decision to inject this mess into your marriage ..... he did, and if you are making the effort to work through it and rebuild your marriage then he needs to do some heavy lifting, part of which is to answer your questions.

 

As far as the images in your head go (mind movies, they're called), one of the things my IC helped me with was realizing that if I let them run endlessly every time they started I would soon be obsessed with them. We worked on mechanisms that helped me "change the subject" mentally; in my case, any time the images showed up I would immediately picture a STOP sign and switch to thinking of something positive about my wife or about our relationship. I still find the movies sneaking in every so often but it has gotten much better since I started using these tools to redirect my thinking. You might want to try something similar......over time it seems to have become an almost automatic response.

Edited April 17, 2013 by wifehurtheart