The other woman

[Shabelle]

I'm I an seeking advice I've felt like I need therapy

 

I am the OW, I am 23, he is 43, he has been in a relationship with his girlfriend for 6 years she is about 27-28, his first son is 23 and the second id 21. We are now on our second year, his gf is at school in fl, at first the relationship was good he seemed so living and caring, he told me I'm the only one he has been with since he has been with

her ( that was a lie). He begged me to open up to him and I did, I couldn't trust him and I never understood why, I started by spending nights then it went to weeks, and things started changing, he phone went off the hook and I looked he was speaking to other women most of the time, I became a nag, insecure and I accused him, I only suspected him I had no proof that he was sleeping around, we speared for about 3 months and I was moving on with someone younger and single, I moved on because I felt like the man forgot me, he came back and I left the guy to be with him and it was a disaster, at first he admit that it was his fault then he started insulting me about sleeping out, I felt that we should break it off but we didn't, he nagged me about it and wanted to know everything I told him.

 

Later on In the relationship he had no respect for me, he insulted me, and I would be right there with him and he would spend most of his time on his phone with other women make calls and I would be right there I felt like it was disrespect, at times he wouldn't acknowledge me at all, when he is texting his gf he would let it show but the other women he would turn his phone and said he need privacy, I felt hurt when I'm away from him he doesn't talk to me at all if I don't say hi and when I'm with him he spends all his time on the phone if was never like this, we would fight and he would say mean things to me he has ask me to leave many times I keep coming back....and he never stops talking about the guy i left to be with him kreps sayin that i cheated....I love him deeply I take care of his stuff I'm there when his ill etc right now I feel like I want out and I don't know how to he has changed, I really want out I can't accept him with the other women, not talking to me for days, not taking me any where any more and the phone and all these wine I feel insecure I feel like I'm not good enough, I took blame because I nag I don't know pleas please help me anyone it's a long story I'm ready to get out I feel like I deserve better advice please

 

I ve been crying, and I'm not willing to seat and watch him with other women he keeps asking me to shut up when I tell him I feel it's disrespectful of him to be calling and texting other women while I'm there. Help!! I've been searching and reading I need to get out don't know what to do anymore

[loredo21]

I say this with all sincerity. Don't waste anymore of your youth on this man. A man dating someone young enough to be his daughter screams mid life crisis to me. An affair is a bad enough situation, a mid life crisis affair is a whole other kind of crazy.

 

Age ain't nothin but a number sweetie

[Shabelle]

I appreciate the fact that everyone is taking the time out to reply i am reading every reply. It means alot to me especially from older people. Thanks

[sunshine63]

Run sweetie.... age aside, this man is nothing but trouble.

 

I have nothing against May-December romances. I am currently in one. However I am in my early 50's and the gentleman I am seeing is a vibrant 65-year-old; we share more than a 10 year age difference.

 

Here is the difference between my situation and yours: We have MUCH more in common that not. We both have raised our children to adulthood. We are both grandparents. We both have completed our education. He has completed his career and is retired, I hope to be retired within 5 years.

 

You are younger than my own daughter. My heart breaks for your right now from a maternal standpoint.

 

Do you want children? Your own home? Maybe finish college, if you haven't? A rewarding career and a man by your side though it all?

 

Well, chances are since he already has kids your age he is NOT going to want to start over with 2:00 a.m. feedings, diaper changes, sick kids in the middle of the night, and leaving for work and hour and a half early to get the kids to daycare!

 

You deserve a full and rewarding life. This man sounds like an emotionally immature jerk.

 

I am not passing judgement on you. My first husband had a long term extramarital affair. I was the OW after my divorce, something I said I would never do after the stake I had put through my own heart. . .But I have learned. I have grown. I am now in a mutually rewarding relationship with someone I love and who loves me - and I trust him implicitly.

 

You deserve those good things too. You just have to start believing it. Work on your self-esteem, even if it takes seeking some personal counseling.

[Owl]

I'll also point out that he started seeing his current GF when she was 21-22.

 

Six years later, he's involved in a cheating relationship with ANOTHER young lady in the same age bracket.

 

That's not a man seeking a partner...that's a pattern that needs to be recognized.

[Shabelle]

You are right I've met or seen two of the other girls we are all of the same age group. He keeps telling me I cheated and now reading all the replies has made me realize that I did nothing wrong I was moving on and he shouldn't tell me I'm cheating when he isn't any better. I am meeting a therapist my self confidence and everything thing else within me has gone down he brought me down. I just need out.

 

I fell inlove or I think I live him not sure anymore

 

I really appreciate the advice.

[wisernow]

I'm I an seeking advice I've felt like I need therapy

 

I am the OW, I am 23, he is 43, he has been in a relationship with his girlfriend for 6 years she is about 27-28, his first son is 23 and the second id 21. We are now on our second year, his gf is at school in fl, at first the relationship was good he seemed so living and caring, he told me I'm the only one he has been with since he has been with

her ( that was a lie). He begged me to open up to him and I did, I couldn't trust him and I never understood why, I started by spending nights then it went to weeks, and things started changing, he phone went off the hook and I looked he was speaking to other women most of the time, I became a nag, insecure and I accused him, I only suspected him I had no proof that he was sleeping around, we speared for about 3 months and I was moving on with someone younger and single, I moved on because I felt like the man forgot me, he came back and I left the guy to be with him and it was a disaster, at first he admit that it was his fault then he started insulting me about sleeping out, I felt that we should break it off but we didn't, he nagged me about it and wanted to know everything I told him.

 

Later on In the relationship he had no respect for me, he insulted me, and I would be right there with him and he would spend most of his time on his phone with other women make calls and I would be right there I felt like it was disrespect, at times he wouldn't acknowledge me at all, when he is texting his gf he would let it show but the other women he would turn his phone and said he need privacy, I felt hurt when I'm away from him he doesn't talk to me at all if I don't say hi and when I'm with him he spends all his time on the phone if was never like this, we would fight and he would say mean things to me he has ask me to leave many times I keep coming back....and he never stops talking about the guy i left to be with him kreps sayin that i cheated....I love him deeply I take care of his stuff I'm there when his ill etc right now I feel like I want out and I don't know how to he has changed, I really want out I can't accept him with the other women, not talking to me for days, not taking me any where any more and the phone and all these wine I feel insecure I feel like I'm not good enough, I took blame because I nag I don't know pleas please help me anyone it's a long story I'm ready to get out I feel like I deserve better advice please

 

I ve been crying, and I'm not willing to seat and watch him with other women he keeps asking me to shut up when I tell him I feel it's disrespectful of him to be calling and texting other women while I'm there. Help!! I've been searching and reading I need to get out don't know what to do anymore

 

Shabelle,

 

A lot of people have an issue with the age gap (which is big) but I take issue with all the things in bold. The things you've said about the way he treats you. He treats you like crap and you "love him"? What is there exactly to love? He tells you to shut up, you can't (rightfully so) trust him, he cheats on you, he's actively seeking out the company of other women, he disrespects you, he brings up the other guy you were with when you were broken up. etc. Please, please, please, drop this loser, go live your life, and don't look back. He's a douche and you DO deserve better.

Edited April 16, 2013 by wisernow

[HonestNeurotic]

Putting aside the age differences -

 

Love shouldn't be PAINFUL. This sounds so very painful. It shouldn't be something that requires you to be someone you are not, or make you feel that you are not good enough.

 

RUN!

[Shabelle]

I've never felt so much pain before in my life.

[Shabelle]

I'm on the website right now. You are right

[ilovememore]

Oh you poor thing. This man is trouble, irrespective of your age difference. Telling you to shut up? Calling his other women right in front of you? Please, PLEASE find a professional to help you disengage from this monster. No one deserves to be treated this way. Step by step you have to find the courage to get away from him and love yourself more. You can do it so just start now!

Good luck

[Henni]

Shabelle, are you still staying at his place?

 

If so, can you just quietly leave, with somewhere safe to go? No argument - no confrontation - just leave.

 

That's the first step. An important one. Every step after that will give you back a bit of confidence, you can do it.

Edited April 30, 2013 by Henni

[georgia girl]

Shabelle,

 

If you don't mind an old lady responding...

 

Choose yourself. Get everyone but you out of your head and love you first. Get rid of this man, get rid of the painful comments and get rid of the noise. Look at the lady in the mirror. She's hurting. She's got a broken heart. And all she wants is love. Give her your own love.

 

First and foremost, love yourself and realize that you are strong, beautiful, kind, smart and an absolute CATCH.

 

Then, realize that smart, funny, beautiful women sometimes believe with all of their heart that they have fallen in love with a man. That man isn't "perfect," but what man is. But, if he would just treat her right - say all of those nice things he says every once in awhile all the time AND do all of the nice things he does every once in awhile all of the time, well, they'd just have the best-est life ever.

 

Smart, funny, beautiful women in those situations are actually facing two lies. First, they're almost never really in love with these men. They're infatuated. They have a low sense of self-esteem and they believe that taming a wild man to be a good man will somehow prove that they are all they want to think of themselves to be. And, they think these men - at their very heart - are actually good men.

 

Here's a tip from an old lady: 1) you can't love someone who treats you badly. You can be obsessed with them, want them more than anything, hurt, cry and feel destroyed without them. But, in the end, EVERYONE lives to love again and the next time, you'll see what real love feels like. Because it almost never hurts. It's hard work and every once in awhile it's a knock-down, drag-out fight. But, it's always respectful and it always operates within the boundaries you've set to make sure your feelings of self-worth and respect are always protected.

 

And 2) these aren't good men. Good men pick one partner. Good men drop everything when your car battery dies at work and they ruin a brand new dress shirt to change your battery - in 30 degree weather! Good men may forget to call every once in awhile, but it's rare and when they forget, they apologize. A good man will let you pick the movie, encourage you to order dessert (because they know you love it) and will laugh at your silly jokes. A good man makes you feel empowered. He makes you feel like you can at least attempt anything because, like a good puppy, he'll love you even when you fail.

 

But, it's up to you. You have to choose you first. You can't get beyond this man and this circumstance until you pick you. That means going through pain and healing. That means no instant gratification when he does respond only to let you down again. It means being strong enough that no matter how much your heart says, "Just give in," your will says, "Nah. I want more."

 

Any woman can have a good man. She has to choose herself first.

 

Then, again, from an old lady, I would remind you that to be a good partner you have to do three things: be good, be happy, be kind.

 

Being good and being happy just work together. You can't be good without being happy and you can't be happy without being good. One begets the other. Then, be kind. When you're happy and your good, being kind is a natural outflow.

 

Choose you. No one here and no one who loves you can choose you for you. You're it. So much good awaits one strong choice. I hope you can do this!

 

Hugs and hugs.

[Spark1111]

There are emotionally immature people who only seek relationships with people who are younger in order to remain in an emotionally stunted stage. Being an adult of a certain age comes with responsibilities and experiences that they would prefer not handle. She needs to run...fast.

 

Actually I believe men who seek younger woman were jerks in high school who never dated much if at all....

 

Yes! Emotionally stunted in that they are trying to revisit their lost youth: the one where they never dated a cheerleader or sat at the cool kids table or had a decent, if any, date to the prom.

 

What they didn't experience THEN they now try to experience at mid-life and it is very, very pathetic.

 

honey, if you were HIS age...you wouldn't date him. Trust me on this.

[Shabelle]

Oh my! Thank you oh so much. I am ready to let it go. Words from a mature person feels good.

 

 

Shabelle,

 

If you don't mind an old lady responding...

 

Choose yourself. Get everyone but you out of your head and love you first. Get rid of this man, get rid of the painful comments and get rid of the noise. Look at the lady in the mirror. She's hurting. She's got a broken heart. And all she wants is love. Give her your own love.

 

First and foremost, love yourself and realize that you are strong, beautiful, kind, smart and an absolute CATCH.

 

Then, realize that smart, funny, beautiful women sometimes believe with all of their heart that they have fallen in love with a man. That man isn't "perfect," but what man is. But, if he would just treat her right - say all of those nice things he says every once in awhile all the time AND do all of the nice things he does every once in awhile all of the time, well, they'd just have the best-est life ever.

 

Smart, funny, beautiful women in those situations are actually facing two lies. First, they're almost never really in love with these men. They're infatuated. They have a low sense of self-esteem and they believe that taming a wild man to be a good man will somehow prove that they are all they want to think of themselves to be. And, they think these men - at their very heart - are actually good men.

 

Here's a tip from an old lady: 1) you can't love someone who treats you badly. You can be obsessed with them, want them more than anything, hurt, cry and feel destroyed without them. But, in the end, EVERYONE lives to love again and the next time, you'll see what real love feels like. Because it almost never hurts. It's hard work and every once in awhile it's a knock-down, drag-out fight. But, it's always respectful and it always operates within the boundaries you've set to make sure your feelings of self-worth and respect are always protected.

 

And 2) these aren't good men. Good men pick one partner. Good men drop everything when your car battery dies at work and they ruin a brand new dress shirt to change your battery - in 30 degree weather! Good men may forget to call every once in awhile, but it's rare and when they forget, they apologize. A good man will let you pick the movie, encourage you to order dessert (because they know you love it) and will laugh at your silly jokes. A good man makes you feel empowered. He makes you feel like you can at least attempt anything because, like a good puppy, he'll love you even when you fail.

 

But, it's up to you. You have to choose you first. You can't get beyond this man and this circumstance until you pick you. That means going through pain and healing. That means no instant gratification when he does respond only to let you down again. It means being strong enough that no matter how much your heart says, "Just give in," your will says, "Nah. I want more."

 

Any woman can have a good man. She has to choose herself first.

 

Then, again, from an old lady, I would remind you that to be a good partner you have to do three things: be good, be happy, be kind.

 

Being good and being happy just work together. You can't be good without being happy and you can't be happy without being good. One begets the other. Then, be kind. When you're happy and your good, being kind is a natural outflow.

 

Choose you. No one here and no one who loves you can choose you for you. You're it. So much good awaits one strong choice. I hope you can do this!

 

Hugs and hugs.

[threelaurels]

There are emotionally immature people who only seek relationships with people who are younger in order to remain in an emotionally stunted stage. Being an adult of a certain age comes with responsibilities and experiences that they would prefer not handle. She needs to run...fast.

 

In my experience, this is true. I dated a 30 year old when I was 20, and he was what most people would consider immature for his age. He worked a minimum wage job, failed out of college, and had been to jail at least once that I know of. Looking back, I get the feeling the main reason he dated me was because he couldn't connect with women his own age.

 

Shabelle, I am fairly close to your age, and I can see the problems with this relationship from a mile away. He's emotionally abusive to you. He calls other women in front of you and has no regard for your feelings.

 

He has a child the same age as you. His kids will never accept you. The relationship is doomed to fail. You're young. Cut your losses and move on with your life.

[Shabelle]

Seating here crying, how could he live and sleep why is it so easy for him. I really want to get over this. I genuinely cared

[crederer]

Guy sounds like a narcissist.

 

Also, I really don't mean to sound harsh but you chose this path. Why someone would want to get involved with a person that is already taken is beyond me. If he was truly unhappy he would get out of the relationship.

 

The vast majority of these relationships fail, very few succeed. The guy will tell you exactly what you want to hear in order to keep you around. Don't buy what he says, only what he does.

 

There will be OW here that will say "no but my relationship is different. The other woman knows, blah blah" but the reality is, most of these women are just being naive themselves. I'm sure there are many women on here that will say that they felt exactly the same way as these women in the past, and they were simply duped. They trust(ed) an untrustworthy person.

[Shabelle]

I wish I could have gone back and change it, but I can't I'm just tryi g to deal with this trying hard to walk away.