My wife's affair has crushed me

[crushedbeyondrepair]

I will try and my best to keep this as short as possible.

 

Married 19 years, 3 children.

I cheated on my wife about 5 years ago at a work function...drank and cheated in the hotel we were staying at with someone from work from a different part of the country (not some office romance).

The second night of the function, she returned to my hotel room again, but I sent her away.

I had never cheated before, and was discusted at what I had done & was scared/ashamed/full of guilt.

 

About a week & a half later, I was fired for what had been done.

We fell into financial ruin, lost our house & moved...blessed though, because my wife stayed at my side and saud she forgave me.

For a week or 2 after the cheating, I was scared and lied to my wife when she asked if I cheated...I told her the truth when I thought I may be fired, but my gut tells me I was going to tell her anyway because of my guilt...no real way to know for sure.

 

Fast forward to the present, and I found out in February that my wife reconnected with an old high school sweethear via Facebook and has been having an affair for 8-9 months, as far as I am told.

She said they has sex 3 times...once in June of last year, once in July & again this past February; I found out shortly after the last encounted.

 

Over the last year, I had a job loss, was depressed and we had money issues.

I begged her over the years for forgiveness of what I had done to her/our marriage/our kids, especially when I lost a job last year...I was very hard on myself because I always felt that what happened 5 years ago had gotten me to losing a recent job, etc...a spiral effect of my actions that we were still feeling.

 

She said over these years that she forgave me, God forgave me & that we should only look forward in our marriage & not backwards...I believed her with my whole heart.

 

During her affair, she had sex 3 times, had phone sex with him as she "got him off", sexting, sent naked pics that she was taking of herself in our bathroom, sent tons of texts (even mocking him once that she could text/email him while next to me/my kids at a football game, so he should be able to text/email her more often too).

She said in emails that it was not just about sex, she had to have an emotional connection to have sex, she said he broke her heart (because he was backing away from her saying if they were together too much, he'd want to be together all the time), she told hime when I was out of town for work & tried to talk him into sneaking in our back door once the kids were asleep, she acknowledged being the other woman, etc.

She had sex at his house all 3 times, once on the couch & twice in their bed.

She acknowledged feeling bad when she saw his wife at a school event, and she was texting all through the day & night, like on Christmas day, etc...yet she said to me they just texted about 'nothing'.

 

I found out because she left her email open accidentally (I checked it because not long before that, she sent me a text mistakely intended for him asking if he wanted to meet at the store...she claimed it was intended for her girlfriend, but later admitted it was for him).

When I questioned her about the text, she reassured me that she would never cheat, then got angry when I pushed the issue, making sure I knew I was in fact the cheater and how dare I question her.

 

She claims that she had the affair because of not really forgiving me, because I made a comment once about missing money, because I didn't want to have sex often enough for her, and because I was depressed & she couldn't stand it.

I feel lots of these things are hypocritical, especially the sex part, as she barely ever initiated anything...falling alseep last Valentine's day when she knew I wanted her...not to mention my depression came from the pressure of supporing our family and we are suppposed to be there for each other 'for better & worse'.

Also, how she could reassure me of God & her forgiveness of what I did 5 years ago, but then say that was a reason to have an affair.

 

Even during the affair period, she didn't give me any Christmas or Anniversay card, saying she was too busy & forgot...I was certainly crushed, but didn't think she was cheating.

 

She put so much effort into her affair, and cast me aside like garbage.

 

Now we are trying to move on, and I need advice.

I don't know if I can forgive what has been done...PLEASE, I need advice!

She said she has asked God to forgive her for her sins, she has moved on & that I should "get over it".

She gets mad when I have moments and get angry about what she did and ask her details.

I cannot get the thoughts & images out of my head & am feeling like I want to die...yet a part of me want to rebuild and trust her again, but do not know if I can.

 

I don't know if she is sorry, if I can trust what she's saying to me, or if she is playing games with me like she claims to have been doing with him.

I don't know if she's wanting to stay together because of the kids, or if she really loves me and is sorry & will not do it again.

I have begged for her forgiveness from my actions & have never done a single thing again.

 

I also found out she was flirting with a coworked (enough that it was he was a topic of conversation a few times between her & her lover), but she said nothing ever happened, not even a call/text.

She also has told several people about what I did 5 years ago, knowing how private a person I am and that I didn't want people to know (one person she told was my sister).

 

Is cheating (a one nighter) different than an affair like she had?

I believe her actions were SO much worse, but she says it's the same thing.

 

Is there any hope?

Have any of you been through similar and had it work out, or is all trust gone & the marriage over?

 

I want to have peace, but am having trouble forgiving the depth of what she did & trusting her again.

 

She did delete her Facebook account & gave me her email passwork (after cleaning it up though....no message remained between him & her).

I have asked her to read texts between her closest girlfriend (whom she texts & calls repeatedly every day), but she said no...they have private information about her friend (who is going through a divorce) that has nothing to do with us....I can't help but feel there is something she is hiding there.

 

PLEASE let me know any feedback, advice or ways to cope...I need all the help I can get.

We went to a counselor twice, but have not been back.

 

Thanks.

Sorry so long.

[Silveron]

It is utter BS that she is NOT taking responsibility for her affair. To blame it on you, something that happened 5 years ago and in which she said she forgave you for.

 

She is using that as an excuse and she is NOT sorry when she says 'Get over it'. That is the attitude such like a teenager. Since she does not show remorse and responsibility for her actions then you CANNOT trust her. Continue with the counseling!

 

When it comes to affairs, there is not just a 'one talk' about it. It's an ongoing process. Apparently she has held resentment during these years of your fling, however that is NOT an excuse to hook up with someone else.

 

So what that she gave you her facebook and email passwords.. She can easily create new ones. It's time to start looking at your online cell bill. She can't delete those. Unless she becomes an open book willing to talk and resolve these issues then this guy will still be in the picture.

 

Remove the weed by the roots so it doesn't grow back, just don't try to cut it down. Both of you need to get to the root of these issues (believe it or not, the cheating is not the root of the issue). Cheating is a result of something else inside the person.

 

Your poor kids are getting the brunt of all of this, what they are hearing and experiencing now are going to stay with them the rest of their lives. Please remember that!

[dichotomy]

All affairs are betrayals. However, for me - I do believe there are levels of affairs - from emotional to physical and combinations of both. I also think their are affairs of weakness, unhealthiness - and one of cruel and vindictive natures.

 

Also there are affairs where there is deep shame and regret - and then their are ones where there is little guilt, and lots of self justification.

 

So I will say in my own view - yours was a single instance of weakness where you immediately felt shame/regret, and even turned down round two the very next day. And you and your family have suffered from this greatly.

 

Your wife however, sounds cruel, vindictive, unashamed, unaccountable - this was going on for a long while - texts and pic during kids games? . Don't believe the 3 times sex unless you saw it in the emails.

 

I don't believe Your wife will not suffer the consequences you did - nor does it sound like she will allow herself to feel shame or guilt?

 

Only you can decide whats right here.

 

Forgetting your wife's affair for a moment - you need to decided if you have suffered enough, been accountable enough, and repented enough for your drunken one night affair. It sounds like you have to beaten yourself up to the point where your depression, and weakness makes you unattractive as a man and father. That's not an excuse for your wife to use - but it is something real. I think you need to deal with this first - yourself - and then your wife's affair and the marriage.

Edited April 16, 2013 by dichotomy

[loredo21]

just my 2 cents on her friend that she won't let you read messages from...I had a BEST friend that I talked to a million times a day. Nearly all day every day. (we are no longer friends for other reasons) but she and I talked alllll about my A. Down to the last details. Even to the point that she was convincing me having an affair was a good idea. (she had one as well)...My H never trusted her and our friendship and in hindsight now I can see why. There was a ton of peer pressure there and it was a total unhealthy relationship. He's very glad it is over, but if we were still friends he would have every right to see what we were talking about.

[leonine]

Ai yi yi...what a mess. We're only getting one side of the story here, so I'm not going to absolve you of your guilt for your affair. Your wife's side might sound completely different. Not accusing you of intentionally trying to manipulate us, but we all have our own take on reality and can only relate our own experience. KWIM?

 

Anyway, you both sound like pretty broken people (not a slam - I'm in the process of trying to repair myself). Maybe you should just separate for a while. See if you can get your shyte together as individuals before trying to make a marriage work. That's assuming that she wants to - it doesn't really sound like she's 100% on board the reconciliation train.

[Infnitysign]

Learn from Breaking Bad!

 

Be the Walter in your marriage.

[Try]

Is cheating (a one nighter) different than an affair like she had?

I believe her actions were SO much worse, but she says it's the same thing.

Although what both of you did was cheating and was wrong, what she did was far worse. There is actually no comparison. Here is why. Your affair was an oops moment that did not require you to live a double life for almost a year like your wife' affair did. After your one night stand you ended it on your own and felt remorse. You never had to lie about your whereabouts or who you were just texting. You never emotionally connected to the other woman. Your wife's affair on the other hand required that she emotionally connect to the affair partner at the expense of being emotionally unavailable to you. It required that she plan, plot and sneak behind your back. It required that she lie to you on a regular basis. Most of all, she did not stop on her own nor has she shown any remorse.

[Mr. Lucky]

drank and cheated in the hotel we were staying at with someone from work from a different part of the country (not some office romance).

not to mention my depression came from the pressure of supporing our family and we are suppposed to be there for each other 'for better & worse'.

I believe her actions were SO much worse, but she says it's the same thing.

Your wife's conduct aside, you seem to be operating under a double standard that starts with your username. Your wife's affair has left you "crushedbeyondrepair" and yet you cheated first? She's supposed to be there for you for "better or worse" and yet your depression over your affair-related job loss has left you unable to cope?

 

Welcome to Pandora's Box, my friend. Once you pry that lid open, bad stuff happens. Your wife's behavior is inexcusable. And despite your best efforts, so is yours. There aren't levels of wrong, wronger, wrongest - there's just the mess left behind.

 

Counseling probably your only hope, not sure why you stopped after two visits...

 

Mr. Lucky

[drifter777]

I won't argue that all affairs are "equal" because that's for the betrayed to decide. It's like me saying that an EA is not that bad compared to a PA but then dozens of LS'ers would flame me - and deservedly so.

 

You betrayed and devastated her and now she's done it to you. Get marriage counseling and see where it leads.

[Darren Steez]

First off she didn't forgive you. What happened is she lost respect for you, that and you losing your job. Whatever high regard she may have held you in was gone and she was looking for an excuse to have her revenge.

 

So what now? You've both cheated. But she needs to come fully clean, she already deleted the emails..giving you an email password means nothing, you can open a dozen more accounts you would have no access to. No doubt she's probably worried about you reading her texts to her friend because in it you'll discover the true depth of her loathing/lack of regard for you. It might be the eye opener that causes you to call it quits.

 

To move forward you need total transparency by total I mean absolute otherwise it's impossible to move forward and heal.

[Jonah]

Like so many others, you are both just blindly going through life. Marriage counseling will hopefully wake both of you up some so you can see what is going on.

 

There is no blame. You are both blind. Recognize that you are both in it together. That she had regular sex without you with someone that excited her and that she enjoyed hers while you didn't enjoy yours means nothing except to your ego. What are you going to complain about to the marriage counselor? That she had fun and you didn't? Don't feel alone guy, I know exactly where you are coming from. And with that experience, I can assure you sir, there is no blame.

 

That job loss was tough on you, sunk your boat. Add this and we will see how brave you are. The ancient Chinese saying... "if you are going through hell, keep going".

 

"Deservin' an't got nothin' to do with it." -Clint Eastwood in "the Unforgiven"

[Artie Lang]

i in her mind, you guys are "even Stevens."

[jnel921]

You prior A is not an acceptable excuse to cheat. She is spinning this and blaming you.

 

BS just don't get over it.

 

She does not sound remorseful as this went on for a while and I doubt she had sex three times as she said.

 

You may need to reevaluate your marriage,.