The No Contact "game"

[TheOW]

"He always wanted to sort out his marriage and I believe that is why we became involved in the first place for both of us. Tbh that's why I want him for the sex, comfort and emotional support. We want each other without being "together" in real life, we both agree it would be unlikely to work to many factors to consider. Age, families, kids, monies etc etc we are comfortable with what we have."

 

Then their really is no game, is there?

 

You are just there when he needs you and vice versa. And don't think he will need you all the time. You will go through periods of "No Contact" only because he doesn't need you right now. But when he is lonely, horny, and fragile....ah, there you are.

 

I think I need to go over my older posts when i was still in the A but yes at that time thats how I felt, he never initiated NC it was always me because i got myself worked up and overly jealous and wanted him to persue me ... so yes it was a game. We still cared and loved each other it was too intense and not normal.

[Praying4Peace]

To a degree I can agree with some of the viewpoints brought up here.

 

I don't think that NC is effective as long as the person who's "attempting" it truly isn't ready to end the relationship.

 

Hence, my signature.

 

NC is the ONLY WAY to end the relationship for the vast majority of people...once they truly decide that they want out.

 

But if they're not sure...then I would agree that its more like watching a tennis match with the back and forth until one person or the other finally does reach that break point and ends it NC, cold turkey.

 

It doesn't require both parties to agree that it's over...it just takes one to INSIST that it is.

 

Can you further elaborate? Insistence by actions or continued action..or by words?

[Owl]

Can you further elaborate? Insistence by actions or continued action..or by words?

 

By actions.

 

Simply put...NC can be put in place once the person who puts it in place decides that they're no longer going to remain in a relationship nor interact with the other party.

 

Then there are many measures they can take to avoid permitting further contact attempts by the other party. And if those measures fail, the person who has decided that they're done can still simply opt to not to respond...and/or take further measures to remove the other party from their lives.

 

If I choose to remove someone from my life...I don't require their consent or assistance in making it happen. I simply do so.

 

Everyone has that power, they just often don't realize it, or don't recognize that they do because they've not yet reached the point where they truly do want the other person removed from their lives.

[youngnlove89]

I think I need to go over my older posts when i was still in the A but yes at that time thats how I felt, he never initiated NC it was always me because i got myself worked up and overly jealous and wanted him to persue me ... so yes it was a game. We still cared and loved each other it was too intense and not normal.

 

I just feel compassion for you. I can't imagine going through what you are going through. Don't you feel horrible that he is still married to her? But yet, he loves you? That doesn't make sense to me. You are second best right now. You are back up. You are just his puppet, his control, his blow up doll. That is how he is treating you, I hope you realize that. If he really loved you, why doesn't he just get a divorce? Or at least become separated? Why are their period of no contact if he loves you so much? WHY WHY WHY? We can do this all day, but the fact remains, he is doing nothing.

 

You need to stand up for yourself and don't accept anything less than number one priority. Where is your confidence? Where is your pride? Why are you settling for second best?

[youngnlove89]

Well someone catch me up real quick. I read her first story. And that's what I'm basing this off of.

 

Is he not married anymore? What's going on then? What has changed so much that my opinion of an affair would change?

[Owl]

I think you will be more successful at no contact when you think of it as breaking up/ending the relationship.

 

Even the phrase "no contact" seems temporary. It sounds like, as long as there is no contact I can do this, but the minute there is.... all bets are off.

 

So I think it's a switch in your own mind.

 

EXACTLY!!!

 

I don't care if you call it a peanut butter sandwhich...the end result is breaking up/ending the relationship, and no longer communicating with the other party whatsoever going forward.

 

If you view it as a temporary measure...it probably will be.

 

If you view it as a permanent end...it probably will be.

[TheOW]

OP,

what does "no contact" mean to you?

 

I had never heard of the term before looking on the internet.

 

I told him when we split that i dont want to hear from him again that i couldnt get on with things if he was still texting me (he wanted to stay in contact and i told him its impossible to do that), it was more difficult for us because we live so close and we did/do see each other. That first time we "broke" up I didnt hear from him for 3 days and it was truly painful and soul destroying. And the second, third and finally last time.

 

But to answer your question NC to me means its over, no more contacting each other via text, e-mail etc.

 

In my case that is happening he hasnt contacted me since he and his wife left, when they return ? who knows ... but i have changed my number and was thinking about renting a new apartment but whats the point its a small town he will know where i stay the moment he returns home (if he's interested, which i hope he's not)

[youngnlove89]

I had never heard of the term before looking on the internet.

 

I told him when we split that i dont want to hear from him again that i couldnt get on with things if he was still texting me (he wanted to stay in contact and i told him its impossible to do that), it was more difficult for us because we live so close and we did/do see each other. That first time we "broke" up I didnt hear from him for 3 days and it was truly painful and soul destroying. And the second, third and finally last time.

 

But to answer your question NC to me means its over, no more contacting each other via text, e-mail etc.

 

In my case that is happening he hasnt contacted me since he and his wife left, when they return ? who knows ... but i have changed my number and was thinking about renting a new apartment but whats the point its a small town he will know where i stay the moment he returns home (if he's interested, which i hope he's not)

 

GOOD. I'm glad you changed your number! Don't rent a new place, just don't answer the door How are you feeling now that you are trying to move on?

[TheOW]

GOOD. I'm glad you changed your number! Don't rent a new place, just don't answer the door How are you feeling now that you are trying to move on?

 

It feels great now that they are away, the town is starting to talk to me again and im not being so defensive and want to kill everyone. Im focusing on my kids and my D

[youngnlove89]

It feels great now that they are away, the town is starting to talk to me again and im not being so defensive and want to kill everyone. Im focusing on my kids and my D

 

So I'm assuming D means divorce? I guess I do need to catch up ;p

 

Well, good for you. I hope things all work out in the end and I'm curious to see how things unfold.

 

Good luck! Stay strong!

[firstandlast]

The off and on NC is part of the game. This creates an even greater attraction and also affirms the concept we must be the real deal, we are right for each other, this must be a mandate from God, etc.

 

That is why affairs are like an addiction.

 

This is exactly right. No ordinary affair would be so irresistible -- ours must be one for the ages. Until you find a forum like this and see that every affair is the magnificent "exception."

[MissBee]

Ive seen it so many times on here its laughable so ive named it the NC game.

 

You fall out, split up and initiate NC ... Both of you await on the other contacting until finally (usually the MM) breaks NC and then you start spewing out how much you missed them and how horrible it was etc etc

 

Then you do it again

 

And again

 

So when do you know for sure that the "game" is over and NC is for real, no going back ? What makes it different (in my case the A was found out which made NC a little easier to deal with)

 

I had numerous NCs they were horrible at most lasted a week before we succumbed and got in contact again.

 

Like the entire breakup process/detachment process, it takes a while. You fake it until you make it essentially.

 

I had NC with my exAP where it was not a game. There was no back and forth. We didn't speak for a year. I reached out once and emailed him, he didn't reply. NC can still still work if only one person "gives in" as if you reach out and the other is firm, then the contact doesn't go further.

 

With another ex, it was LC and fake NC, where months at a time we didn't speak, or I'd silently observe his social media, then we'd speak or hang out, then I got hurt/it still wasn't working, NC again etc. Such a waste of time! But I did that until I got totally fed up and then knew at that point, I'd never break NC again. And that was years 3 years ago..haven't spoken to him since! Although he reached out once.

 

You'll know when you're done. Sometimes though it does take being shown over and over the futility of the new contact. I don't chastise people for breaking NC, because it happens. It's normal. In fact, doing so often helps your resolve over time, as if nothing changes, you eventually grow sick of the cycle and can then once and for all employ final NC.

[MissBee]

I read the article, yet I dont quite get it...What good does contact do if there is no way to continue the affair?? While we all agree its tortuous, its even more tortuous if mere contact is just a means to an eventual end.

 

I do agree with this part of the article.

 

 

"One of the partners may want to end the affair completely and renew the marriage, but doesn't want to hurt the lost love (whom they do truly love). So they take a cowardly way out and say it is no contact "just for a while." This deceit is very hurtful: the person must ultimately discover that they have been jilted - and lied to! The person has simply disappeared on them, and they are shocked."

I see many OW report on here that the xMM is a coward or is mean sprirted or never really loved them because they vanished into NC. It might not be the case, but it just might be the only way you can go...

TFOY

 

That's how my A ultimately ended.

 

I was VERY angry at him for disappearing. However, we had tried the, let's end amicably and be "friends" routine, which of course didn't work and it was still an EA. I at the time wasn't strong enough to end it and go NC and mean it...but he was. I really hated him for it for a long time...after a year of NC though, he came back and explained that he knew he couldn't give me what I wanted and knew we couldn't end amicably as his feelings would continue to grow everyday if we were "friends" and he wanted to contact me everyday but he thought it was best for him to cut things off so I could move on. Now, I wouldn't get too carried away with his "altruism", but I am so very grateful he did what he did.

 

I was able to heal and move on from that and the only way was to create distance. So I am very glad he did it. I realized it was a caring act and even if it wasn't totally altruistic, it was less taxing than the fake NC game where this person has NOTHING new to offer, but simply comes back to satisfy the pangs of the withdrawal and it's terrific while it lasts, but it's the same ol' same ol' and you have to go NC again and then the cycle of the pain and rollercoaster starts again. I still love my AP but I was ably to detach from him and move on and have other relationships, in a relatively short time. After the greatest NC game of my life, it took 2 YEAAARS to get over a relationship that didn't even last 2 years...all because neither of us were firm about NC. I will definitely try to avoid that in the future. NC is not easy....but it's really the only way to heal, by creating distance.

 

 

wouldn't it be better, and easier for both to accept no contact and the end of the relationship if the person ending it owned their decision? "I am ending things because I want to"?

 

I saw that once in a friend ( not an affair relationship mind you) who had broken up with her boyfriend. She had been through breakups before without it being too hard, but this guy, rather than own his choice, kind of "led her on" with the reason that he still loved her, didn't want to end things but had to because he was going back to school. I think he meant to soften the blow, but it had the opposite effect...part of her kept holding on to the idea that he'd come back to her when he was done school...it took her so long to get over that relationship, which really hadn't been that deep, from what she told me at the time...

 

I agree! With the ex I mentioned, he also ended it saying "We can try again in the summer...I'm just so stressed out right now with work and can't give you all you need." This and several other conversations later made me hold on to hope that it was temporary, versus knowing it was really done and I should just move forward.

 

I don't believe there is such a thing as a "break"...if you are on a break, you have broken up. Simple as that. Whether you eventually rekindle doesn't matter...for now, you are no longer together. I don't believe in taking a break and "waiting". You're broken up. If you should get back together then address that when that bridge comes, but living in limbo hoping is the worst.

Edited April 16, 2013 by MissBee

[Quiet Storm]

The reason for the "pull" is because of intermittent reinforcement.

 

The way to break it is with willpower and good coping skills. When you want to contact, or when you want to respond, you should replace that action with a different activity.

 

Think of yourself as your own babysitter, keeping yourself out of harms way. Love yourself enough to protect yourself from emotional pain. Have a running dialogue in your head "He is not good for me. He will cause me hurt/drama/heartache. He is not worthy. He will keep me from moving on. Stop doing this to yourself, girl. He is not welcome in my life anymore"

[who_am_i]

If you and MM stop talking...even just one time...and he comes back, I think that there is going to be "hope" that he will return again the second, third,...however many times. I think that "hope" is what makes it so hard to move on. You're never really sure if this is going to be the time that they mean it.

 

It's awful

[Goodbye]

Geez...after a lengthy painful NC period, if I found out my exMM had used to time to fix his marriage, I suspect I would be come a "bunny boiler" and mail her all of the letters and photos. That would be painful as hell. But I do have to assume that happens often. MM is to cowardly to say "I want out...I want to go back to the life I had before you." Instead he says "I'm so confused, I need a few months to clear my mind, I am still so in love with you."

 

I agree NC should be looked at as a break up from the one who didn't initiate it. That way, no matter the ultimate outcome, your emotions are preserved. So that is what I'm doing...looking at it as the end. Trying to recreate my life without him in it. Would I take him back if he called me in a few months and said he'd left his wife? ABSOLUTELY. But I can't let myself dream of that...only of the best life I can make without him in it.

[who_am_i]

Geez...after a lengthy painful NC period, if I found out my exMM had used to time to fix his marriage, I suspect I would be come a "bunny boiler" and mail her all of the letters and photos. That would be painful as hell. But I do have to assume that happens often. MM is to cowardly to say "I want out...I want to go back to the life I had before you." Instead he says "I'm so confused, I need a few months to clear my mind, I am still so in love with you."

 

I agree NC should be looked at as a break up from the one who didn't initiate it. That way, no matter the ultimate outcome, your emotions are preserved. So that is what I'm doing...looking at it as the end. Trying to recreate my life without him in it. Would I take him back if he called me in a few months and said he'd left his wife? ABSOLUTELY. But I can't let myself dream of that...only of the best life I can make without him in it.

 

Good for you!

I can't wait to get to this point.

Though, as far as the "Would I take him back if he called me in a few months and said he'd left his wife? ABSOLUTELY." I'm totally with ya....

Love stinks!

[thefooloftheyear]

This No Contact is really tough...Ive been through tough times, but this really is nasty.

 

When someone asked me to describe it, I tell them its like the feeling you get when you realized you just lost your wallet, the only problem is that it hangs around and haunts you every damn day!!....whew...

 

TFOY

[loredo21]

This No Contact is really tough...Ive been through tough times, but this really is nasty.

 

When someone asked me to describe it, I tell them its like the feeling you get when you realized you just lost your wallet, the only problem is that it hangs around and haunts you every damn day!!....whew...

 

TFOY

 

Fool,

How long have you been in NC?

[GreyhoundtoNowhere]

That's why I can't go NC yet. Because, I'm not willing to play the game. And with him, I know it will be. We have days where we won't talk to each other.... and one time last summer it got up to like 12 days, then I saw him and he was right back to the same ol. But, because I see him everyday-- I know attempting a true NC would be a lost cause. I'm not ready. I SO BADLY want to be ready... but I know me. And I hate it.

I feel like when I know ... I'll know. And like everyone said- it won't really be NC... just "I'm done and moving on with my life and you won't be a part of it anymore." But gosh how I want to get there.

[TheOW]

This No Contact is really tough...Ive been through tough times, but this really is nasty.

 

When someone asked me to describe it, I tell them its like the feeling you get when you realized you just lost your wallet, the only problem is that it hangs around and haunts you every damn day!!....whew...

 

TFOY

 

I found it almost like bereavement but they are still there ... if you catch my drift. It is torture and probably one of the worst emotions you can go through especially when you know neither of you want to part.

[thefooloftheyear]

I found it almost like bereavement but they are still there ... if you catch my drift. It is torture and probably one of the worst emotions you can go through especially when you know neither of you want to part.

 

 

Thats a good way of putting it....It just plain sucks!!

 

I am assuming you have processed it..How long did it take you, if you may allow me to ask?

 

TFOY

[TheOW]

Thats a good way of putting it....It just plain sucks!!

 

I am assuming you have processed it..How long did it take you, if you may allow me to ask?

 

TFOY

 

We got caught and were still kinda in contact while the drama was unfolding, it was a shock for both of us, he and his wife left a few weeks ago to stay in one of their holiday homes abroad and i have heard nothing. Tbh though if we didnt get caught i highly doubt either of us would have stuck it out ... until we got caught lol thats how deep we were in it.

[TheOW]

We got caught and were still kinda in contact while the drama was unfolding, it was a shock for both of us, he and his wife left a few weeks ago to stay in one of their holiday homes abroad and i have heard nothing. Tbh though if we didnt get caught i highly doubt either of us would have stuck it out ... until we got caught lol thats how deep we were in it.

 

 

The first NC lasted 3 days the second NC lasted a week and the third time before we were caught lasted not much longer but my goodness it felt like months, but deep down in my heart of hearts i knew it wasnt over.

 

This time however i do know that it is

[AnotherRound]

Hmmm... the whole NC thing just never settled right with me. When my exH had an affair, I didn't demand NC - I just asked him to choose. I mean - I had a right to make my own decisions, and if he wanted to go between both of us, I knew I wasn't okay with that - so I had to let it play out and see what my decision was. In the end, we split and he and the OW rode off into the sunset. It wasn't easy to "let" that happen - but I knew that he had to make his own choices - and that I didn't want him with me against his will - so, it went the way it should have.

 

With exMM - I went back and forth with the NC idea - bc I was convinced it was necessary. Looking back, it wasn't necessary. Their marriage wasn't going to work - whether I was in contact with him or not. Their attempts at reconciliation were half-hearted at best, and it had NOTHING to do with me - but everything to do with the fact that their marriage was over. They had to learn that and accept that - and having NC with me didn't matter one way or the other in that outcome, it just didn't.

 

ExMM and I never went NC. I tried a couple of times, but it was completely silly to me. Silly that two adults who had an emotional bond and connection would deny themselves that - for what? So that we could both be miserable? So that he and his now exW could work on a marriage that neither one wanted?

 

Now, if he and his exW were truly serious about reconciliation - and attending MC and such - really expressing that they wanted to work it out - I would have been NC - but if that was the case, he would have been NC too, right? I mean, I'm not here on earth to make other people's decisions for them - only my own. And I chose to not ignore him when he contacted me. Most times, the contact was fine - it wasn't hurting anyone or anything, but it was extremely helpful - to him and to me. His exW had her own contacts, her own supports - and nobody expected her to cut those out of her life, so why should he?

 

I get it - we were an "item" - so that muddled their marriage, right? Nope - they muddled their marriage - and my emotional relationship with him was good for him - not bad for him. His marriage was bad for him. So, in our case, NC just didn't make sense. In other cases, I can see its value - even if I do think it's a bit silly when discussing adults and relationships - it's not a drug, there is no "fog" - it's a connection, and humans NEED connections in their lives. Depriving yourself of that does what? It's an illusion if you ask me....