Skeewee1 Posted April 16, 2013 Posted April 16, 2013 Hello everyone... My husband recently left about two weeks ago. This is about the third time we have separated in the last 3-4 years. There has been infidelity on both sides with me started it. I realized I made a mistake and completely did a turn around. By then, he had started seeing someone also. Now, after we both were dedicated to trying to make it work, he says he can't do it after a year and a half of being back together and doing well. I really didn't see it coming. I mean I just got flowers for valentines day! We have 2 beautiful daughters 10, 11 and I have two beautiful stepdaughters whom I love very much and vice versa. I just don't know how he throw our family away so easily. When he first tried to leave, I begged, pleaded, cried all of which I know only pushes them far away. I feel like I should've just hold my head up and move on and maybe he will see what he has lost. But I can't help but feel like my life is over:( I cry all the time and all I want to do is sleep. I feel like I am going into a depression. What is the best way to handle the situation.....outside of a a lot of prayer which I do on the regular.....if it was not for God, I don't know where I would be.
Steadfast Posted April 16, 2013 Posted April 16, 2013 Until the very capable ladies here chime in... Your life is certainly not over, but the one you know is. It is hard to say why your husband has taken this position, but not hard to imagine that a very strong outside force or desire is motivation. To him, you're a road block between him and whatever it is he wants, so don't try. You know this. Common sense action? See an attorney. Lay out custody and visitation, including your stepchildren. Lay out financial goals and needs. Don't sleep through these issues. He's counting on your depression for control. Blame is everywhere, so don't dish out what you can't take. Assume that he's gone and is not coming back. What do you need? Where will it come from? I know that depression can often be a clinical problem, but one way to avoid constant sorrow and grief is to focus on what's needed to maintain your family. They need you. He needs...whatever he thinks he needs. That isn't your problem, so cut him out of the equation. You need a solid foundation on which to make sound decisions. It is your job. Understand? Affairs are not mistakes. They are decisions. Get that straight in your head and make good ones. Own what's yours, take responsibility for what you've done, but don't take on his issues. Focus. Eat right, get fresh air and don't forget to breathe. And yes, pray. Wisdom is found in the Word. 7
Mr. Lucky Posted April 16, 2013 Posted April 16, 2013 Affairs are not mistakes. They are decisions. Get that straight in your head and make good ones. Own what's yours, take responsibility for what you've done, but don't take on his issues. Focus. Eat right, get fresh air and don't forget to breathe. And yes, pray. Wisdom is found in the Word. Bingo. A tornado didn't blow through and flatten your marriage, you set into play a chain of events that landed you here. As you're finding out, hard to unring the bell... Just be the best Mom and partner you can be. You can't control what he does so keep the focus on you... Mr. Lucky 2
Author Skeewee1 Posted April 16, 2013 Author Posted April 16, 2013 Thank you for the advice. I am not sure i am emotionally stable enough to seek an attorney yet. I think it would crush me. It sounds so sad right now but I feel so weak. I want to take all the blame and keep wracking my brain of what I could have done better. I feel like the only control I have right now is the kids. When he sees them and when not. So I tend to be stupid and not let him see them or talk to them on certain. I already know this is wrong. Some of the questions I ask... - what will people think - why doesn't he want me, what's wrong with me - I don't go out, what am I going to do with myself - whose gonna want me -why, why, why - when will I stop going to sleep crying and waking up crying
Steadfast Posted April 16, 2013 Posted April 16, 2013 Congratulations. You're normal. Two things come to mind reading your post. One, a very dear friend once told me; "Don't feel bad about feeling bad." That is to say, how else could you possibly feel? The other regards separation and divorce tending to bring out the worst in people. Behavior, actions and words we regret later. So what? You're supposed to cruise through this like a pro? Two-weeks isn't a long time at all. You're still in shock and denial. Massive grief and pity. Who cares what others think? Seriously? The only shame is the shame we hide. One thing at a time. I'd suggest that one thing being a visitation schedule with him. Think of it as not denying the kids. Besides, it's against the law. Get yourself up, showered, made up, and ready the house for visitors. Put on your smile even if you have to fake it at first. Remember, the kids need you. Find your resolve in knowing that. Climb slowly, but start to climb. It will not happen all at once. Healing begins with the desire to heal. Ok? 1
Author Skeewee1 Posted April 16, 2013 Author Posted April 16, 2013 Ok! I know I sound like a very weak individual. It's just that I love hard when I o love and that is not often. Your right! I am in shock and denial. I can't believe he left me. I would have never left him. I loved him too much to see him hurt. The other times I begged pleaded and cried and I think it makes him feel power. He won't admit it. He says he can't stand to see me that way. I think this time I want to approach it different. Have self respect, even if I feel like ****, he won't know it. I don't call, text or anything. The times he's picked up the kids, I dropped them at my moms. I won't lie, I love him but I can't stand him if that makes since. Ok so two more questions.... - does he love me at all or is it as easy for him as he is making it seem - one day, will he regret it. Oh, and the other day I caught him riding down our block for no reason. It's totally out of his way. With? If your gonna leave why check up on me? I know I am rambling.....sorry
Mr. Lucky Posted April 17, 2013 Posted April 17, 2013 I'm curious Skeewee1 as to why you think you cheated originally? And assuming your husbands attention has wandered elsewhere, do you think what he's doing now is different from what you did then? Mr. Lucky
PrayingDaily Posted April 17, 2013 Posted April 17, 2013 I struggle with feeling hopeless and depressed as well. While you pray try praying that God shows you how to release control and just give it to God. This (for me)is not easy b/c I don't know how to hand situations over to God but just ask Him to show you how! I'm praying for you! And really try to focus in your kids, that and distractions (hobbies) might help while this situation, being so fresh, settles down. 1
Author Skeewee1 Posted April 17, 2013 Author Posted April 17, 2013 Well mr lucky I started conversations with this guy after years of not being" good enough" for m husband. Just like any affair, this guy started off as a confidant telling me ways to work it out with my husband. Then he started telling me I didn't deserve it etc and so on and boom the affair begins. my husband found out. I lactually contemplated leaving he begged and cried and honestly I would have never left him I just felt very unloved. Eventually we did separate for space and then he started seeing someone. Then he stopped when we got back together. I don't think he ever really got closure from that. I don't know what to think about anything anymore. We were doing so well this time. I just want my family back. I pray for that, but mainly I just want some stability and peace for my children. It's hard to explain my feelings. They go from hurt to anger. I feel like my mind is consumed with confusion. How could he just walk away from us? He calls everyday and I want the kids to be mad at him too. Which I know sounds really immature, but I feel if u want to talk to them. Everyday you should have stayed.
Author Skeewee1 Posted April 17, 2013 Author Posted April 17, 2013 Prayingdaily, Funny that u say that because this what I have been praying for. I went to a counselor before and she told me my anxiety comes from not being able to control situations. I have a hard time letting go because I feel like I should or can "do" something but something's are out of our control and the more we try to dabble in the issue, the worse it gets. I pray for you also, these feelings tend to make you feel very uneasy. One minute you have it somewhat under control and then the next you are drifting in the sea of sadness.
PrayingDaily Posted April 17, 2013 Posted April 17, 2013 Just hold on to hope! I love my husband but hate what he's doing to me and our family. It's what drives me to tears daily. You seem like a great person that's suffering and it breaks my heart. I find that with great advice peace truly comes from that, a good support system of family and friends. Hope things work out in your best interest.
Mr. Lucky Posted April 17, 2013 Posted April 17, 2013 Well mr lucky I started conversations with this guy after years of not being" good enough" for m husband. Just like any affair, this guy started off as a confidant telling me ways to work it out with my husband. Then he started telling me I didn't deserve it etc and so on and boom the affair begins. my husband found out. I lactually contemplated leaving he begged and cried and honestly I would have never left him I just felt very unloved. Eventually we did separate for space and then he started seeing someone. Then he stopped when we got back together. I don't think he ever really got closure from that. I don't know what to think about anything anymore. There's a hard lesson to lean from this. Simply put, what we do has consequences that can linger for a long time. Some might say that you're only getting what you deserve and karma is delivering you a dose of what your husband felt when you were unfaithful. I'll leave that for you to decide. Since you have some perspective from the other side, one thing you can ask yourself is what you'd wish your husband had done to help you reconcile your marriage back then. And then model that behavior, hoping for the best. It's out of your hands at this point... Mr. Lucky
Steadfast Posted April 17, 2013 Posted April 17, 2013 I am in shock and denial. I can't believe he left me. I would have never left him. I loved him too much to see him hurt. I'm not defending anything, but generally, when a woman/wife sleeps with another man she has left him. Not everyone will say that, but I most everyone will feel that. Temporarily, at best and in some cases for much longer. I wrote you are in denial, you agreed, but you still are. You loved him too much to hurt him? Your actions have not backed this statement. That's a reality. Face it. Search your heart and define exactly what you think love is. Real love doesn't need control, but it demands respect. Regarding your present mindset, it's completely understandable that you hate him and love him at the same time. In reality? You love but hate what he's doing. Now, put yourself in the children's shoes. They are incapable of taking on this anger right now, but to punish him, you wish they would. Fact: You're making the same mistakes over and over. The good news is you seem to recognize this. Examine your motivation; it's the key to understanding. Another phrase for this process is called growing up. You must. Ok so two more questions.. - does he love me at all or is it as easy for him as he is making it seem - one day, will he regret it. Oh, and the other day I caught him riding down our block for no reason. It's totally out of his way. With? If your gonna leave why check up on me? I know I am rambling.....sorry Question 1: He's putting on his best front. I can't answer if he loves you, but I imagine he does. What exactly is love to him? No idea. My guess is he's seeking respect while trying to deal with what you've both done to the relationship. I can almost promise he's not over you stepping out. Question 2: You both will. Yes, he's checking. My advice is to stop the merry-go-round and power struggle by putting the kids first. United parents working together for the best possible family environment is a force to be reckoned with. Here's hoping you both grow up enough to take care of the family you started. 1
Steadfast Posted April 17, 2013 Posted April 17, 2013 While you pray try praying that God shows you how to release control and just give it to God. This (for me)is not easy b/c I don't know how to hand situations over to God but just ask Him to show you how! The reason it's hard is because what your advising doesn't work. One: You're asking God to do something He's already done. His direction is found in the Word. It was given to man, recorded, and is there for you. You have it. Two: God gave us a brain to think and reason, and a spirit to join with His. Modern religion has 'shaped' the wording to read that His spirit will swoop down and take you over to direct and control...if you allow it to. The original language does not say this. Truth: You go to God. He does not come to you. He already has. Through his Son, as recorded in the Word. Seek the truth for understanding. Don't believe me; find out for yourself. 1
Author Skeewee1 Posted April 17, 2013 Author Posted April 17, 2013 Thanks everyone! I appreciate the advice always. I feel very bad about my affair, but that justify his. Lets not forget he had one also. I forgave him! I put my all into building back trust this time and he came with some bogus excuses about not supporting him to leave once again! I am not going to lie I want us to save our marriage, but I know my husband he makes rash decisions based on feeling and emotions so I am trying to speak positive but also prepare myself for him filing and that's going to crush me. However I know god is in control and he has the final answer. There is nothing to hard for him! I am trying to not call, text, ask questions or involve myself in his life at all. I am using this time to focus on me. But the heart wants what the heart wants!
Author Skeewee1 Posted April 18, 2013 Author Posted April 18, 2013 So I don't know why I let him get to me but I do. I was doing well until I let the enemy get into my thoughts... It stormed really bad here ...really bad. I miss the calls that my husband would give to make sure me and the girls are ok. No call. We could have been caught in a storm and doesn't give a ****. What does he do, he sends a text and says he left me a key to the garage because the breaker box is in there in case we lose power. How can you just be so nonchalant like that in the matter of a month like you could care less. I think I am getting stronger and he makes me feel so unloved again!
Techie Artist Posted April 18, 2013 Posted April 18, 2013 I feel very bad about my affair, but that justify his. Lets not forget he had one also. I forgave him! Forgiveness is wonderful, but you sound like you want to cancel out your affair because he got you back. It doesn't work that way. Men and women cheat for reasons that are usually very different. If a woman cheats, she is unhappy or acting in a predatory (usually sexual) fashion. If a man cheats, it can be strictly physical...opportunity...or because the OW listens and understands him. It doesn't mean he's checked out of the marriage. So, your infidelity was a decision to walk away from him. A man has a hard time imagining his W with another man. Really effs him up. Really causes him to disrespect you. If he cheats because you cheated, it's usually retaliation or he wants to move on. Either way, neither of you is moving toward each other. You need marital counseling if you want to make your marriage work.
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