meat department Posted April 16, 2013 Posted April 16, 2013 So I posted a few days ago about a fwb who was married. I just wanted to say thank you for all the comments. He did contact me and thankfully I had read through many of these posts and realized what a liar he was. He claims he is in a sexless marriage, I was the only one, etc. I got the closure I needed and I told him I don't mess with married men. He did ask me not to tell his wife and that he wants a divorce but doesn't have the money. I am sure it is all lies. 1
BetrayedH Posted April 16, 2013 Posted April 16, 2013 I'm glad you got some closure. It doesn't sound like you decided to inform the betrayed wife. If I may ask, why would you protect him and leave her in such a position? 1
Author meat department Posted April 16, 2013 Author Posted April 16, 2013 Honestly I haven't decided. I don't know if I can do that to her. The hardest things to read are the posts from BS and the pain that has caused. My soon to be ex cheated on me and I found out by email so it wasn't a person telling me. I don't know how I would have handled that. I might feel different if I signed up for an A but I was tricked. Really I am struggling with it. I was hoping more BS would speak up or share.
BetrayedH Posted April 16, 2013 Posted April 16, 2013 Honestly I haven't decided. I don't know if I can do that to her. The hardest things to read are the posts from BS and the pain that has caused. My soon to be ex cheated on me and I found out by email so it wasn't a person telling me. I don't know how I would have handled that. I might feel different if I signed up for an A but I was tricked. Really I am struggling with it. I was hoping more BS would speak up or share. Well, I certainly sympathize with you. These situations are always so damn surreal. For what it's worth, even knowing the pain of betrayal first hand, betrayed spouses overwhelmingly say that they would want to know. I bet you won't find one of them here that says they wish they didn't know. You say you have been betrayed. Would you prefer to not know? Perhaps you would still be in that scenario, wasting the one life you have on a liar and looking the fool to everyone around you that knows while you remain unaware. How about the risk of STDs? Maybe she will bring more children into the world with this man, thinking that he's faithful. Is it really better to remain unaware? Is that doing her a favor? I don't mean to put undue pressure on you. You haven't asked for this. But the choice has fallen to you anyway. After having spent considerable time analyzing this question, the ethical answer seems clear to me. But it sure takes courage. 1
Author meat department Posted April 16, 2013 Author Posted April 16, 2013 It will be the hardest thing I have ever done and I just don't know if I can do it. I have made so much progress in my own divorce and having to think about telling a stranger is keeping me up at night and reliving my own crap marriage. I firmly believe that ethically I should tell but I am just scared. Scared that I will have to answer questions about dates, or details about the sex. I'm also aware that she may not believe me. It's really a mess that I can't just let go of.
BetrayedH Posted April 16, 2013 Posted April 16, 2013 It will be the hardest thing I have ever done and I just don't know if I can do it. I have made so much progress in my own divorce and having to think about telling a stranger is keeping me up at night and reliving my own crap marriage. I firmly believe that ethically I should tell but I am just scared. Scared that I will have to answer questions about dates, or details about the sex. I'm also aware that she may not believe me. It's really a mess that I can't just let go of. I hear you. My gut instinct is to say, "Then get it over with sooner rather than later." I see this as the final step of closure for you on this unfortunate event. But I'm weary of twisting your arm. It's easy for me to advise you to take the risk. Good job ending things the way you did. And good luck with your decision.
krazikat Posted April 16, 2013 Posted April 16, 2013 Honestly I haven't decided. I don't know if I can do that to her. The hardest things to read are the posts from BS and the pain that has caused. My soon to be ex cheated on me and I found out by email so it wasn't a person telling me. I don't know how I would have handled that. I might feel different if I signed up for an A but I was tricked. Really I am struggling with it. I was hoping more BS would speak up or share. As a BS I can tell you honestly that I would want to know. She needs to be able to make an informed choice with her life, and right now she has no idea it seems. I wish I would have known sooner... 1
Author meat department Posted April 16, 2013 Author Posted April 16, 2013 krazikat- Can I ask as a BS did the OW tell you or did you find out some other way. I found out my spouse was cheating by seeing his emails. I can't just send a letter, that is cold. A phone call would be better but who can do that? I know exactly how she will feel and that is the hardest part. The knowing the feelings. 1
krazikat Posted April 16, 2013 Posted April 16, 2013 krazikat- Can I ask as a BS did the OW tell you or did you find out some other way. I found out my spouse was cheating by seeing his emails. I can't just send a letter, that is cold. A phone call would be better but who can do that? I know exactly how she will feel and that is the hardest part. The knowing the feelings. Well, she told me but not because she felt bad...my husband was sleeping, I was in the closet putting stuff away, and I heard the vibrations of a cell phone, found the source...his secret affair phone, and took it out of the room and answered it. She was a real beech...of course I am sure she was shocked I answered the phone. But she did not plan on me finding out, tried to cover up initially, then went into attack mode. Those initial confrontations were ugly, but I only got pissed at her when she completely disrespected me...for example asking if i liked the taste of her p****, telling me my h was thinking of her when he slept with me, etc. Thats the only reason I snapped on her because at that point, well, she had shown me what kind of woman she was. Some bs may get upset with ow initially, but in most of those cases it is the shock so if you tell her, and she flips, dont take it personal, just apologize, explain what happened, offer her any proof you have.
waterwoman Posted April 16, 2013 Posted April 16, 2013 Hey meat, well done for calling him on his lies. There is NO obligation on you to have anything more to do with this but from a personal POV I would ask you to consider telling her. MM scouting for extra-marital relationships is one thing, but wanting a divorce and not telling the spouse that her marriage is on borrowed time is something else! Good luck x
Praying4Peace Posted April 16, 2013 Posted April 16, 2013 Maybe you should tell him that you'll tell her if he doesn't? But he'll probably retaliate by blocking everything and giving his W a false version of a scorned woman who is just pissed off that he didn't choose her. I think its the spouse's duty to tell their own spouse. It isn't like his wife is going to believe you. You are the enemy- rightfully so. Motives will be questioned. Very unlikely that "you doing the right thing" will be the answer chosen from that set of likely reasons. Finally- he will go nutso on you. Accuse you of wanting him so bad that you are destroying his family. Gosh in a time like this, already hurting...I wouldn't want you to be in that position. And then MM is happy bc he and BS have a common enemy trying to destroy them and they'll bond. I agree she should know but coming from you its a no-win. The messenger will be shot
BetrayedH Posted April 16, 2013 Posted April 16, 2013 Maybe you should tell him that you'll tell her if he doesn't? But he'll probably retaliate by blocking everything and giving his W a false version of a scorned woman who is just pissed off that he didn't choose her. I think its the spouse's duty to tell their own spouse. It isn't like his wife is going to believe you. You are the enemy- rightfully so. Motives will be questioned. Very unlikely that "you doing the right thing" will be the answer chosen from that set of likely reasons. Finally- he will go nutso on you. Accuse you of wanting him so bad that you are destroying his family. Gosh in a time like this, already hurting...I wouldn't want you to be in that position. And then MM is happy bc he and BS have a common enemy trying to destroy them and they'll bond. I agree she should know but coming from you its a no-win. The messenger will be shot This is why evidence is critical. Exposing without it does leave you vulnerable to be painted as a crazy stalker. But having evidence and being able to say that you're exposing because you didn't know about her takes away all of that ammunition. In fact, you may be very well received as the one person that would be kind enough to give her the truth. In many cases, the unknowing BW is losing her mind wondering why the hell her husband is cold and distant. It's cruel to leave her thinking that her failing marriage is all her fault. Even if they divorce, she may blame herself for years, never knowing that her husband was actually just a lying sleaze.
Author meat department Posted April 16, 2013 Author Posted April 16, 2013 Krazikat- I am sorry to hear what was said about you. I could not imagine how that made you feel. Seriously that blows. Thanks for all the comments. They were helpful and frightening all at the same time.
Recommended Posts