Am4Real Posted April 16, 2013 Posted April 16, 2013 Mutants, Come on now...I think you might be judging the board a little harshly here. There are several members, me included, who have been around awhile. I may not be as direct as some, but we have seen our share of similar stories and instances where we can cut to the chase fairly quickly. We are not trained therapists, at least I am not, but I/we all have opinions based on our experiences in life and on LS. With that being said, we offer the best guidance we can. I'm sure by now you've learned who might post of value and who is of the opinion to wander or be far from the topic, etc. As a member, it is your choice to regard the opinions as worthy or deem them worthless, however to judge all of LS and all contributions in such a way makes me wonder what was said to you by a member to become so jaded here. Hopefully this judgement trait did not also taint your most recent relationship. Try and be positive and become a valuable member and give back to others who need not only support, but guidance as well. You can do it...we're counting on you. I am actually having a very good day, thanks for asking. I am done with this board, sure there have been members who are supportive and give good advice but frankly I dont like it being shoved down my throat. The first rule of a support group is not to judge others because you are not me and i am not anyone else. once that rule is broken, then it isnt much of a support group. Good day to you as well
Am4Real Posted April 16, 2013 Posted April 16, 2013 I don't think you can control your thoughts...you can however keep the mind busy, as busy as possible on other things. When the break up details seem to take over, rather than "snowball" all over the place, you might try sticking to one topic or one particular piece, quickly surmise it and close off your mind. For example if your general conclusions is your EX is disrespectful or a flake, no matter what comes up think to yourself: [highlight] What can I say...she is a FLAKE[/highlight]. The technique is called dismissal. Give it a try and let us know how you do. how do you control the thoughts? my therapist keeps saying that...i am having a hard time with it. 1
Mack05 Posted April 16, 2013 Posted April 16, 2013 calgary is with someone else Calgary will be back on this board in 9-24 months slap bang in the middle of another relationship drama/crisis. 1
J_L_C Posted April 16, 2013 Posted April 16, 2013 It's taken me 9 months to say that I am FINALLY starting to turn a corner...until I hear he's seeing someone else of course 1
geegirl Posted April 16, 2013 Posted April 16, 2013 It's taken me 9 months to say that I am FINALLY starting to turn a corner...until I hear he's seeing someone else of course JLC, start a new thread and tell us where you are. Don't tarnish a positive with a negative! You are FINALLY turning a corner. Did you ever think you would get there? Probably not. But you got there. What does that say? If you want, you can and it's possible. And if he's seeing someone else, good for him. Just feel sorry for the woman that has to deal with his issues. If 100 people are telling you he is no good, we can't all be wrong! 1
Toddbt12y1 Posted April 16, 2013 Posted April 16, 2013 Happiness comes and goes. It has come for some of the posters you've mentioned. Even still, you shouldn't gauge your success at recuperating via how others...after months of grueling agony. This takes time and every soul is different. 1
Am4Real Posted April 16, 2013 Posted April 16, 2013 I guess we cannot count on you after all. Try and have a nice life -- you seem like a very angry individual. I'm sorry your EX's parents did not text you back after you reached out to them; I'm sure rejection from your EX and her parents is getting the best of you today. Gee!!!! what a way to support someone by telling them how their supposed judgement trait tainted their breakup I tell you what mate, i am through with my current breakup. i am so over it that I will not be tainted by anyone else's judgement on it. You are not trained to offer 'guidance'. All you can offer is support and listen. thats all we can ever do as a support group As for sticking Tara onto me, you should try that. She's atleast honest with her opinions, not that i wouldnt tell her off if i wanted to but atleast she doesnt hide behind a fragile ego. 1
siankat Posted April 16, 2013 Posted April 16, 2013 @destroyed Part of the reason i'm taking long to get over this guy is because i've almost become an aggressive coach toward myself in actively trying to 'get over it' ironically remaining longer in it than just...getting on with life with one exciting, rewarding piece of it missing...it's like i can't get over it because what i'm really trying to do is feel the way i felt, even though i don't want him anymore. It's like my instinct is saying i won't be over him til i am high on something/someone else. My mood and energy is up and down naturally anyway. He did bring out the best in me and i was often on a high that i don't get now. If his name were cocaine i wonder how ppl would advise i get over him .... 1
Cogee Posted April 16, 2013 Posted April 16, 2013 (edited) You are not trained to offer 'guidance'. All you can offer is support and listen. thats all we can ever do as a support group LS is not a support group. If you want the experience that a support group offers then you need to find one and join one. This place is to promote collaboration and includes things like offering advice, and promoting self-discovery. These activities do not preclude people from being honest about their assessment of someone's situation (what you think is being judgemental). The LS mission statement: Welcome to LoveShack.org; an interpersonal relationship advice and assistance center providing a forum to confront personal conflicts, promote participation in self-discovery and responsibility, and to share dating tips, love advice, and platonic relationship resources. LoveShack.org is designed and operated to promote collaboration and to offer support to persons seeking advice. The hosts of the channel and web forums and other guests assist you with problems or questions that you may have regarding relationships and other socially oriented questions. We do our best to try and help you find your own answers. LoveShack.org Community Forums: Have questions or concerns about your significant other, coworkers, family, or just relationships in general? Not sure who to turn to? Enter now and let our caring, close-knit community help you find the answers for yourself! Edited April 16, 2013 by Cogee 1
Mack05 Posted April 16, 2013 Posted April 16, 2013 Cogee is your knickname taken from Coogee beach Sydney? I lived in that little paradise for 12 months...I heart Coogee!!!
Author destroyed4sho Posted April 17, 2013 Author Posted April 17, 2013 @destroyed Part of the reason i'm taking long to get over this guy is because i've almost become an aggressive coach toward myself in actively trying to 'get over it' ironically remaining longer in it than just...getting on with life with one exciting, rewarding piece of it missing...it's like i can't get over it because what i'm really trying to do is feel the way i felt, even though i don't want him anymore. It's like my instinct is saying i won't be over him til i am high on something/someone else. My mood and energy is up and down naturally anyway. He did bring out the best in me and i was often on a high that i don't get now. If his name were cocaine i wonder how ppl would advise i get over him .... This is how I feel exactly. ive been trying to get over it and obsessing about it I think makes ir worse! Your right maybe im trying too hard or trying the wrong way. I just hate that she is still in my head, its like post BU torture.
Author destroyed4sho Posted April 17, 2013 Author Posted April 17, 2013 Gee!!!! what a way to support someone by telling them how their supposed judgement trait tainted their breakup I tell you what mate, i am through with my current breakup. i am so over it that I will not be tainted by anyone else's judgement on it. You are not trained to offer 'guidance'. All you can offer is support and listen. thats all we can ever do as a support group As for sticking Tara onto me, you should try that. She's atleast honest with her opinions, not that i wouldnt tell her off if i wanted to but atleast she doesnt hide behind a fragile ego. We will never fins out the real reason why our relationships got tainted bc they were too.much of a coward to confront us with the truth...which makes me think it was them not about us...
Author destroyed4sho Posted April 17, 2013 Author Posted April 17, 2013 Happiness comes and goes. It has come for some of the posters you've mentioned. Even still, you shouldn't gauge your success at recuperating via how others...after months of grueling agony. This takes time and every soul is different. True i shouldnt compare. maybe its lonliness too...more grueling agony after a bad relationship..:-(
Author destroyed4sho Posted April 17, 2013 Author Posted April 17, 2013 My goals for April are things that are specific to me and what I want to improve about myself and what I want to accomplish. I've made four for April, but two are pretty me-specific. The two that are more general are that I have decided to reach out to someone new every day, just in a friendly way. I go through my contact list on my phone or through my old text messages and text someone who I haven't spoken to in a while. I also want to raise my GPA to a specific number this semester. So when I am feeling down about my ex or when I find myself dwelling, I whip out my phone, look at my four goals and decide to do something towards one in that moment. Hope that helps! This is really important. I know that...and I have startes reading some self help.books...put aome goals together too. but it hasnt quite removed memories from.my brain and recurring thoughts.
Author destroyed4sho Posted April 17, 2013 Author Posted April 17, 2013 I just realized something. Most of my thoughts of her are about the horrible things she said to me, her raging and humiliating me and her criticism of me. The occassional thought of missing her in bed but not often. Anyone else having constant obsessive bad memories of ex???? or are the mostly the good times? Mine are 90% bad times...
Toddbt12y1 Posted April 17, 2013 Posted April 17, 2013 I just realized something. Most of my thoughts of her are about the horrible things she said to me, her raging and humiliating me and her criticism of me. The occassional thought of missing her in bed but not often. Anyone else having constant obsessive bad memories of ex???? or are the mostly the good times? Mine are 90% bad times... Bad if I ever think of her; sure many, who end badly, have negative thoughts of their so Humans tend to think of the bad more then the good anyway. I try not to think of her, and it is rather easy...wasn't at first. She was always on my mind...after what she had done, it was difficult for me to think positively of her. I loved her, but all respect was lost, thus negative thoughts about her constantly. Often to my own hurt. Often to the point I was ready to die. Especially knowing she got by with it; not all evil is punished. These days, I learned they aren't worth negative nor positive thoughts....as these hurt more than them leaving. I control it now, and can easily toss away any thoughts that spring up. 1
Am4Real Posted April 17, 2013 Posted April 17, 2013 Not sure how bad all of your experiences were so I'll tread lightly here...generally I recommend you not "snowball" and go all over the place in reminiscing the details of these events. It will drive you nuts. Try and summarize your EX in two words. For example, you might say "She's Mean" or "She Cheats" or perhaps "She's disrespectful". Then, no matter what event comes to your mind, stop dwelling on it and think to your self, what can I expect (now insert those two words here). The technique is called dismissal and it can work for you if the two words you choose, clearly reflect your overall assessment of your EX. Give it a try. I just realized something. Most of my thoughts of her are about the horrible things she said to me, her raging and humiliating me and her criticism of me. The occassional thought of missing her in bed but not often. Anyone else having constant obsessive bad memories of ex???? or are the mostly the good times? Mine are 90% bad times... 2
Author destroyed4sho Posted April 17, 2013 Author Posted April 17, 2013 Not sure how bad all of your experiences were so I'll tread lightly here...generally I recommend you not "snowball" and go all over the place in reminiscing the details of these events. It will drive you nuts. Try and summarize your EX in two words. For example, you might say "She's Mean" or "She Cheats" or perhaps "She's disrespectful". Then, no matter what event comes to your mind, stop dwelling on it and think to your self, what can I expect (now insert those two words here). The technique is called dismissal and it can work for you if the two words you choose, clearly reflect your overall assessment of your EX. Give it a try. This is a powerful technique. Thank.you I will do.this...hopefully I.can.stop these.negative thoughts.. the more I think about her criticisms.the more.my self esteem drops and the more.hopeless.I.feel and regretful.the relationship failed. its a cruel.cycle and its arwmming from her words. Its like she broke.my heart and stole my self esteem too and xontinues to do.so.
Coping Vortex Posted April 17, 2013 Posted April 17, 2013 Not sure how bad all of your experiences were so I'll tread lightly here...generally I recommend you not "snowball" and go all over the place in reminiscing the details of these events. It will drive you nuts. Try and summarize your EX in two words. For example, you might say "She's Mean" or "She Cheats" or perhaps "She's disrespectful". Then, no matter what event comes to your mind, stop dwelling on it and think to your self, what can I expect (now insert those two words here). The technique is called dismissal and it can work for you if the two words you choose, clearly reflect your overall assessment of your EX. Give it a try. She's a Cu*t! Hey that works!!! 1
Am4Real Posted April 17, 2013 Posted April 17, 2013 That's three words We'll let you have it though! She's a Cu*t! Hey that works!!!
h3braica Posted April 17, 2013 Posted April 17, 2013 (edited) Why hasn't the obsessing subsided? Anyone in my stage here still doing this? It seems everyone that was going through what I was when I joined has moved on...and I am happy for them. But why am I still stuck??? I honestly don't want her back and the relationship was abusive and traumatic. I try to push thoughts out of my head but they sneak up on me. I did go out this weekend but then I crash the next day and get all anxious. I am not sure going out is the answer right now, it just feels lonely and empty, like something is missing. Sometimes the past seem like a bad dream then other times it feels like I am reliving day 1...so mixed up and up and down like I am bipolar. I have passed the acceptance stage, which I thought was the last stage. But it isn't. I am still dwelling in what happened and the aftermath and even why its taking so long. I can even say that I am indifferent. I don't care about her and if I ever see her or she contacts me I do not think it will affect me. I think I am dealing with the aftermath....trying to figure it all out and nothing is making sense. And I still feel pain....is feeling the pain/hurt normal after the acceptance and indifference stage? you're not alone destroyed4shoI feel that too. stucked and can't move on and it's driving me insane! Edited April 17, 2013 by h3braica 1
Coping Vortex Posted April 17, 2013 Posted April 17, 2013 He's a phony Hey you used three words too!!! I guess we are violating the two word rules. LOL!
siankat Posted April 17, 2013 Posted April 17, 2013 Hey you used three words too!!! I guess we are violating the two word rules. LOL! totally i was gonna say something too. and what about the two for one words using the apostrophe...that actually crossed my mind too. Yeah i knew i was breaking da roolz when i wrote that 1
Author destroyed4sho Posted April 18, 2013 Author Posted April 18, 2013 I have tried to use the technique above and its actually working. Whenever I thought about her today I thought "eh she's an idiot".or "she's fake"or "she's a narcissist"...then I would go ADD and change the channel to something else. wish I had ADD for.real.maybe this would be easier..lol. I have noticed Ive been blowing up.at people around me easily.I have no patience and Im just so frustrated with my life. I.need to start working on goals..i have so many..dont know where to start first.
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