Author lilmisscantbewrong Posted April 16, 2013 Author Posted April 16, 2013 Yes, because your own child's wedding is even remotley the same. My child's wedding is the same as this? I don't get it. I have known this child since she was a very young girl. My son and daughter were in high school together with her as well. If we are going to play this game, we have more right to be there than they do. But I don't want to play a game at all, which is why I asked the question. And I have no idea whether his wife had an affair or not - it's been 3 years with nc - I don't know. And just because she hasn't had an affair, doesn't mean there hasn't been some absolutely nasty stuff done by her to hurt not only my children but my husband as well. Anyway, I guess I need to think through what I want to do. Thanks for all of your input - I appreciate it.
wisernow Posted April 16, 2013 Posted April 16, 2013 Yes, because your own child's wedding is even remotley the same. My child's wedding is the same as this? I don't get it. I have known this child since she was a very young girl. My son and daughter were in high school together with her as well. If we are going to play this game, we have more right to be there than they do. But I don't want to play a game at all, which is why I asked the question. And I have no idea whether his wife had an affair or not - it's been 3 years with nc - I don't know. And just because she hasn't had an affair, doesn't mean there hasn't been some absolutely nasty stuff done by her to hurt not only my children but my husband as wel Anyway, I guess I need to think through what I want to do. Thanks for all of your input - I appreciate it. Just send a nice gift and your regrets, and call it a day. It's not going to break the brides heart if you're not there, and it's also not worth the potential drama. I vote, don't go.
Praying4Peace Posted April 16, 2013 Posted April 16, 2013 Are you planning to talk to your H about this soon? I'm curious to know how he feels about it, if you're up for sharing.
Author lilmisscantbewrong Posted April 17, 2013 Author Posted April 17, 2013 Are you planning to talk to your H about this soon? I'm curious to know how he feels about it, if you're up for sharing. Yeah - I'm going to bring it up - I will have to make a decision fairly soon.
2sunny Posted April 17, 2013 Posted April 17, 2013 You cheated - and THAT has consequences! Get honest! Call the couple who invited you and explain what YOU did! Tell them why you can't come if the other couple was invited. Or just tell your H that you don't intend to go - since you want to consider his feelings - and don't want to chance running into your lover - at the cost of his feelings. You cheat = these are your consequences. You've ruined events like this forever by being untrustworthy. What if you take tooooo long to go to the ladies room? It's not fair that your H may have to wonder if you're in their having a quickie with your prior lover? It's not fair for him to be looking around to see if you're there - or who you're talking to! That's the reality once you've cheated! You don't get to participate like nothing happened!
Author lilmisscantbewrong Posted April 19, 2013 Author Posted April 19, 2013 Talking about seeing the OM and actually seeing him are two different animals. Do you really think it's worth risking a potential wedding-ruining scene just to avoid offending someone? It wouldn't be that hard to think of an excuse that would stop your friends from being offended. I vote don't go. It's not fair to the bride. I just wanted clarification on this. You say it's not fair to the bride, but if the bride invited us all (which I'm not certain yet), she has already made the determination that she wants us there. And it is about her. And I'm not certain if I have stated this before, but EVERYONE knows about the affair - remember our names were read at church - so she is not unaware of this situation at all. I really appreciate all of your advice. I believe I am going to talk with my husband and see how he feels about it. The shower is a little different in that it a more intimate environment, but I think I'm going to go to it. Thanks so much!
Author lilmisscantbewrong Posted April 19, 2013 Author Posted April 19, 2013 Everything and everyone else aside. You were posting less than a month ago that you were still curled up crying over this man. How is going to this event where he will be, a good thing for YOU? It may not be good for me. I have my days for sure (mostly because of the way things were handled). I am much stronger than I have been in a very long time. The only solution to completely avoid is to never go to any event at all. We are all from the same hometown, the xMM and BS's parents and my parents and my husband's parents all live still in the same hometown as we do, we live within 20 minutes of each other, everyone is extremely intertwined (think Mayberry) - the likelihood of us seeing each other is extremely strong no matter what. The only thing that might prevent it is for one of us to move states away. But I am the one that stayed and faced it all while he ran and hid, so I get to stand in my territory. He can stay in his. Shouldn't he face consequences as well? I feel like it is unlikely they will come even if invited. Anyway - I will make my decision and let you know.
Author lilmisscantbewrong Posted April 19, 2013 Author Posted April 19, 2013 You cheated - and THAT has consequences! Get honest! Call the couple who invited you and explain what YOU did! Tell them why you can't come if the other couple was invited. Or just tell your H that you don't intend to go - since you want to consider his feelings - and don't want to chance running into your lover - at the cost of his feelings. You cheat = these are your consequences. You've ruined events like this forever by being untrustworthy. What if you take tooooo long to go to the ladies room? It's not fair that your H may have to wonder if you're in their having a quickie with your prior lover? It's not fair for him to be looking around to see if you're there - or who you're talking to! That's the reality once you've cheated! You don't get to participate like nothing happened! Our names were read in church and the parents of the bride and the bride were there when it happened - so, yes, they are very aware. And why does HE get to do things and I don't? Isn't that a double standard? 1
Author lilmisscantbewrong Posted April 19, 2013 Author Posted April 19, 2013 I don't think it is a double standard, if he were here asking, people would probably be telling him the same thing. So, PA, put yourself in my xMM's wife's shoes (as you can sympathize). Do you go to the wedding knowing it's possible I will be there? I am not being snarky, just wondering what you would do on the other side of things. Maybe that will help me?
underwater2010 Posted April 19, 2013 Posted April 19, 2013 I would tell him the same thing. Ask your wife if she thinks she can handle herself right. If not maybe try going to the ceremony and forgoing the reception.
Author lilmisscantbewrong Posted April 19, 2013 Author Posted April 19, 2013 (edited) No, not a bunny boiler. Someone who was mislead? Yes. Hurt? Yes. As were all parties involved. Things ended okay (as well they could) between she and I. There were tears from both of us, but she did some things afterwards that were very hurtful to my husband and my kids. Her goal was to really hurt me, but it extended to my family unfortunately. Although understandable, inexcusable to hurt my kids more in the process. Hers were too young to know what had happened. The irrational behavior has come from her, really. Anyway....just wondered what your take would be if you were in her shoes, because you seemed to be adament that I shouldn't go - I just wondered if it was okay for him to go. UW - I think that's probably good advice. We can always slip out after the ceremony if things are tense and probably no one will miss us. However, like I said, it's a small town. If we have both been invited and both show up, it could be tense for a little while. On the other hand it could be an opportunity for us to show everyone that we are still with our spouses, trying to make things work and an opportunity for everyone to "sigh" and move on. Edited April 19, 2013 by lilmisscantbewrong
Author lilmisscantbewrong Posted April 23, 2013 Author Posted April 23, 2013 Just an update. I talked to my husband about it and he feels that we should go. We talked about all of the possible scenarios and he feels like it would be disrespectful to the brides parents (who are our friends). We will have people there that are supporters of us so that part will be fine. I kinda think they will not come. My husband said he really can't be angry at xmom because of his own choices. But he is angry with him for other reasons (because xmom pretended to be his friend and betrayed him as well). He also believes his wife was manipulative (which she was) and he is still a little upset with her. So we are going and we will just see how it goes. Probably take Xanax before we go - lol. I will keep you posted as we get closer.
whichwayisup Posted April 23, 2013 Posted April 23, 2013 But you are not going to contact exMM to let him know that you are going, right? Go and have fun. Be the better couple and rise above it. Hopefully your H won't get the urge to pop one in the face of exfriend/exMM. Do yourselves a huge favour, don't drink too much.
Author lilmisscantbewrong Posted April 23, 2013 Author Posted April 23, 2013 But you are not going to contact exMM to let him know that you are going, right? Go and have fun. Be the better couple and rise above it. Hopefully your H won't get the urge to pop one in the face of exfriend/exMM. Do yourselves a huge favour, don't drink too much. Hell no! I'm not contacting him. I figure if the bride (and the bride's parents whom we are close to) has chosen to invite us all and all of us respond that we are going, then it may be their responsibility to tell them (or us) that we both will be there. They all know full well about the situation (the entire town knows), so if they did invite us both then they knew what the possible scenarios could be. I think Xanax will be the drug of choice that day
Author lilmisscantbewrong Posted May 8, 2013 Author Posted May 8, 2013 Just an update - went to the shower with my daughter - xMM's wife didn't come so either she wasn't invited or chose not to come, I don't know. Actually I was invited to the bachelorette party that night and I went and had a great time. So, as I stated before I left it up to my husband and we are attending the wedding with our daughters. He felt it would be disrespectful to the brides parents if we didn't go. So we will see how it goes. My gut is they won't be there. 1
Author lilmisscantbewrong Posted May 8, 2013 Author Posted May 8, 2013 Funny that you said that. That is exactly what I did after d-day. I cut off most of the common friends. Hard to do in our situation since we are all from the same hometown and our circles really were hugely connected, but it was what I needed to do. So those that I knew were trying to play the middle, I decided I could not see for the time being anyway. In fact, I told XMM that was what I was doing, but I asked specifically for them to stay away from two people. One was a long time family friend (actually one of the young pastors in this mess) - we had known him since he was a baby and his mother and father were two of our dearest friends. Also I asked that they stay away from our nephew and niece as they were family. I told him I was cutting contact as much as I could with the others. Guess what happened? She went aggressively after the two we (because it was actually my husband and my request) asked them to stay away from. I know it was to hurt me but in the process it devastated my kids (these were their cousins) and my husband. But there wasn't a damn thing I could do. She actually ended up not having much contact with the ones I said I was going to stay away from. The funny thing is neither one of these people would they have known if it weren't for us. So, she keeps people in their lives that have to on a regular basis remind her and her husband of the affair. I find that so odd. Anyway - we will see what happens. At this point the ball is in her court I guess. We are going.
Praying4Peace Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 Lilmiss- does she maybe do it to keep tabs on you?
Author lilmisscantbewrong Posted May 8, 2013 Author Posted May 8, 2013 (edited) Well that's hardly likely since the long time "pastor" has cut off all contact with our family / he didn't respond to my kids calls or texts nor mine and while my husband was still in fb (two years ago) blocked him - deleted my kids - etc. Our nephew and niece have absolutely nothing to do with us so it would not be a good way to keep tabs on me / they know nothing because they cut us off. Besides - what does it matter what I do? If reconciliation is happening I don't matter. Better keep tabs on her husband who is a traveling salesman. I'm staying in my corner and have made no attempts at contact. Nope - not a good way to keep up with me since they don't speak to us. Edited May 8, 2013 by lilmisscantbewrong
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