lilmisscantbewrong Posted April 16, 2013 Posted April 16, 2013 We have received a wedding invitation. the person getting married is the daughter of mutual friends of XMM and his wife and us. It is highly likely that we all have been invited and I have no way of knowing this unless I ask. I have several thoughts. We could accept and know it is possible we could be face to face if they have been invited as well. I am very undecided. Part of me thinks we can put this aside for this young couple but the other part of me doesn't want to put my husband through this if they are there because it would be the first time in over 3 years since d-day we have all been together. I don't want to cause my husband a trigger issue but I want to be there to celebrate our friends daughters marriage. It's possible they might not accept (if they have been invited). I also don't want to let them decide what events i attend either. I truly don't know what to do....please help.
lynn1954 Posted April 16, 2013 Posted April 16, 2013 The most important person in this decision is your husband. Ask him what he wants to do. The second important people are your friends (the bride's parents). If your husband is okay with going, then go to the wedding to show your friends how much they mean to you, and to celebrate their happy occasion. Nobody else's opinion matters. If you're all there, it's easy to avoid each other, sit on opposite sides of the room, etc. 1
psm04 Posted April 16, 2013 Posted April 16, 2013 Have you discussed it with your husband? What does he want? Also, would you be able to handle seeing him and his wife? I don't think I could!
krazikat Posted April 16, 2013 Posted April 16, 2013 We have received a wedding invitation. the person getting married is the daughter of mutual friends of XMM and his wife and us. It is highly likely that we all have been invited and I have no way of knowing this unless I ask. I have several thoughts. We could accept and know it is possible we could be face to face if they have been invited as well. I am very undecided. Part of me thinks we can put this aside for this young couple but the other part of me doesn't want to put my husband through this if they are there because it would be the first time in over 3 years since d-day we have all been together. I don't want to cause my husband a trigger issue but I want to be there to celebrate our friends daughters marriage. It's possible they might not accept (if they have been invited). I also don't want to let them decide what events i attend either. I truly don't know what to do....please help. Have you talked to your H to see how he feels about the possibility of seeing om, or is this something you would not want to ask him? If you havent, I would recommend talking to your h, and see if he is ok with it. As a bs, if my h was to bring something like that to me, I would not be triggered by talking about it, but I never had a friendship with tow, and I do realize that changes the game a bit. 1
Author lilmisscantbewrong Posted April 16, 2013 Author Posted April 16, 2013 I am a goofball - my title thread was miss-typed. I haven't discussed it with him yet. I don't want to offend our friends but yet I am concerned, we were all friends before but we haven't been face to face for over 3 years and if that had happened prior to the wedding I wouldn't think much about it. But there are so many possible outcomes to this. The face that my XMM has never faced my husband after dday but I have faced his wife. I would hate for it to put a damper on her wedding day. Make sense?
Praying4Peace Posted April 16, 2013 Posted April 16, 2013 (edited) Ask your husband and if he says okay then go. Look fabulous and look happy. As for putting a damper on the wedding day- the bride and her family aren't going to know whats going on in all of your heads! I think ex-MM should see you and your husband. You had to see all of them at that restaurant on Red Stripe day (your H wasn't there right?). But what about you- can you handle it? Even if you can't...just do it. You can overcome this fear. Think of it as a small struggle and a victory afterwards. You won't live in fear of the moment all four of you bump into each other. Edited April 16, 2013 by Praying4Peace
whichwayisup Posted April 16, 2013 Posted April 16, 2013 We have received a wedding invitation. the person getting married is the daughter of mutual friends of XMM and his wife and us. It is highly likely that we all have been invited and I have no way of knowing this unless I ask. I have several thoughts. We could accept and know it is possible we could be face to face if they have been invited as well. I am very undecided. Part of me thinks we can put this aside for this young couple but the other part of me doesn't want to put my husband through this if they are there because it would be the first time in over 3 years since d-day we have all been together. I don't want to cause my husband a trigger issue but I want to be there to celebrate our friends daughters marriage. It's possible they might not accept (if they have been invited). I also don't want to let them decide what events i attend either. I truly don't know what to do....please help. You don't need to contact exOM. That would be a huge mistake and opening a door. I mean, you call and say ?? "you going to that wedding? " he says yes. Then what? It just isn't worth it. your A is over and NC is in place, and it's been 3 years. this is a good test for you and your H to rise above it and bond at this wedding, not let exOM get to either of you. Your husband should make the final decision. Talk to him about this. And whatever you do, do NOT contact exOM. That would be a big mistake.
Lillyfree Posted April 16, 2013 Posted April 16, 2013 I am a goofball - my title thread was miss-typed. I haven't discussed it with him yet. I don't want to offend our friends but yet I am concerned, we were all friends before but we haven't been face to face for over 3 years and if that had happened prior to the wedding I wouldn't think much about it. But there are so many possible outcomes to this. The face that my XMM has never faced my husband after dday but I have faced his wife. I would hate for it to put a damper on her wedding day. Make sense? if your husband's ok with it i would say go. it's been 3 years why would you worry about anyone putting a dampener on the wedding day? surely everyone concerned can behave like an adult and get through a few hours without creating an incident...
Author lilmisscantbewrong Posted April 16, 2013 Author Posted April 16, 2013 You don't need to contact exOM. That would be a huge mistake and opening a door. I mean, you call and say ?? "you going to that wedding? " he says yes. Then what? It just isn't worth it. your A is over and NC is in place, and it's been 3 years. this is a good test for you and your H to rise above it and bond at this wedding, not let exOM get to either of you. Your husband should make the final decision. Talk to him about this. And whatever you do, do NOT contact exOM. That would be a big mistake. Oh no - I wouldn't contact him - I just meant unless I asked the brides parents I wouldn't know if they were going or not.
Author lilmisscantbewrong Posted April 16, 2013 Author Posted April 16, 2013 Don't go. Don't put your H through this. Try to have a bit of empathy. So we should not attend our friends daughters wedding and possibly offend them because of the om ?
Praying4Peace Posted April 16, 2013 Posted April 16, 2013 Don't go. Don't put your H through this. Try to have a bit of empathy. Don't ask the brides parents if they are going. Just assume they are when you go (if you go). I have to disagree with Pierre (I usually don't! ). Tell your H that its up to him and his comfort level but 1) you don't want to restrict your social engagements bc of them. It would be unfair if they went and you didn't. Then its as if they scared you away and 2) you would be proud to sit with him and dance with him and you could give a damn of ex-MM was there. If I were your H I'd be happy with that. Because it does all come down to indifference. ps- your H isn't the type to drink too much and go punch him in the face 3 years after the fact, is he?
whichwayisup Posted April 16, 2013 Posted April 16, 2013 I think you should be discussing all the what if's with your husband and let him decide if he can handle it if he sees exMM, and if he will be okay in the same room. Do the mutual friends know of the A? If not, god forbid you all are at the same table..... If they do know, then of course you won't be at the same table.
whichwayisup Posted April 16, 2013 Posted April 16, 2013 So we should not attend our friends daughters wedding and possibly offend them because of the om ? If you think a scene will happen and your husband will feel uncomfortable, then don't go. Apologize to the bride and groom, send a gift and say you're out of Town during the time of their wedding. No need to go into details. Your husband comes first. As I said earlier though, IF he wants to go, then go. But, if you both go and he feels weird, or starts to feel uncomfortable, then leave. He gets to call the shots on this. I will add, your friends won't be that upset if you don't go. Trust me, they will have more important things on their minds than guests that cannot attend the wedding.
Lillyfree Posted April 16, 2013 Posted April 16, 2013 Let me be a bit morre blunt. If I was the H I would have no interest in going to a wedding to socialize with the POS that had sex with my wife behind my back. I know quite well the OM could have been anybody, but I have zero interest in seeing or socializing with the POS. And if by any chance the POS is there and if I had a dring or two I may be tempted to beat the crap out of the POS. Women do not try to pretend you know how men think or feel. if i were the betrayed spouse, i would find that avoiding the OW gives her too much importance after 3 years. 1
lynn1954 Posted April 16, 2013 Posted April 16, 2013 Pierre: You may or may not be correct that women should not try to pretend how men think or feel. Actually, none of us here should pretend to know how lilmisscantbewrong's husband thinks or feels about this situation. That's why most of us told her "Ask your husband his opinion and how he wants to handle it".
whichwayisup Posted April 16, 2013 Posted April 16, 2013 Pierre: You may or may not be correct that women should not try to pretend how men think or feel. Actually, none of us here should pretend to know how lilmisscantbewrong's husband thinks or feels about this situation. That's why most of us told her "Ask your husband his opinion and how he wants to handle it". I think any BS can put themselves in the place of her husband (even if female). Being cheated upon and having to face the exAP in public isn't easy to handle and it doesn't matter if the BS is a woman or a man, the reaction is the same. I mean, if it was her husband that had cheated and there was a good chance the exOW would be at the wedding, and sunshine was the BS, she'd more than likely NOT want to be around or face the exOW, even if 3 years has passed. especially at a wedding. 1
Praying4Peace Posted April 16, 2013 Posted April 16, 2013 I Being cheated upon and having to face the exAP in public isn't easy to handle and it doesn't matter if the BS is a woman or a man, the reaction is the same. I don't want to thread jack but may I ask a question? Whichwayisup I'm not sure if you've been a BS but I assume so since you made the above comment. Shouldn't the BS feel superior to the AP? Bc after all the BS "won" (hate that term in the affair context) in the end. So after three years wouldn't it feel great to go with your spouse and have a wonderful time in front of the AP who got dumped and thrown under the bus? Wouldn't lilmisscantbewrong's husband want to be seen in public with her and have her not care what ex-MM thinks? Or is there still a feeling of loss when you see the AP even when your fWS clearly has moved past the A? Or does it depend on the type/lenght/level of deception in the A? I hope no BS gets offended by my question.
Lillyfree Posted April 16, 2013 Posted April 16, 2013 I don't think either you or the OM should go. You obviously have no respect for marriage so why go and celebrate one? i see how you used OP's question as a chance to take a shot at cheaters. i don't believe it's helpful, so i'll reply with: one doesn't have to believe in the institution of marriage to attend a wedding. i don't believe in god but will go to a christening. etc, etc... 1
lynn1954 Posted April 16, 2013 Posted April 16, 2013 (edited) I don't think either you or the OM should go. You obviously have no respect for marriage so why go and celebrate one? Paperangel, come on. Any person goes to any wedding to show their love and caring for the people involved, not to show their moral, ethical, religious, etc. views. One goes to a wedding because they're family, or friends with, or work with, the bride or the groom or the bridal couple's parents. It's a social thing, you know that. You're going to derail the question that started this thread with a "respect for marriage" discussion? Child, please! Edited April 16, 2013 by lynn1954 2
underwater2010 Posted April 16, 2013 Posted April 16, 2013 My two cents is to talk with your husband and see what he wants to do. You could both go to the actual vow portion (that is the most important part in my eyes) and see how things go. If it is too much for him, forgo the reception. All in all you need to know how he feels about going. And going without him is NOT an option. That would open a can of worms. 1
ThatJustHappened Posted April 16, 2013 Posted April 16, 2013 So we should not attend our friends daughters wedding and possibly offend them because of the om ? Talking about seeing the OM and actually seeing him are two different animals. Do you really think it's worth risking a potential wedding-ruining scene just to avoid offending someone? It wouldn't be that hard to think of an excuse that would stop your friends from being offended. I vote don't go. It's not fair to the bride.
whichwayisup Posted April 16, 2013 Posted April 16, 2013 I don't want to thread jack but may I ask a question? Whichwayisup I'm not sure if you've been a BS but I assume so since you made the above comment. Shouldn't the BS feel superior to the AP? Bc after all the BS "won" (hate that term in the affair context) in the end. So after three years wouldn't it feel great to go with your spouse and have a wonderful time in front of the AP who got dumped and thrown under the bus? Wouldn't lilmisscantbewrong's husband want to be seen in public with her and have her not care what ex-MM thinks? Or is there still a feeling of loss when you see the AP even when your fWS clearly has moved past the A? Or does it depend on the type/lenght/level of deception in the A? I hope no BS gets offended by my question. That's more of a woman thing, the competition and "winning". I could be wrong here, but not that many men process it that way. (from what I've seen on LS) The thing is, he hasn't seen the exMM face to face, Lil has seen and spoken to exMM's wife, so there is an element of drinking and seeing exMM, feeling anger = explosive anger and a possible punch up/out. A first time face to face meeting shouldn't be at someone's wedding, on their special day.
Author lilmisscantbewrong Posted April 16, 2013 Author Posted April 16, 2013 I don't think either you or the OM should go. You obviously have no respect for marriage so why go and celebrate one? Thanks for that - sorry I asked. 1
Author lilmisscantbewrong Posted April 16, 2013 Author Posted April 16, 2013 (edited) That's more of a woman thing, the competition and "winning". I could be wrong here, but not that many men process it that way. (from what I've seen on LS) The thing is, he hasn't seen the exMM face to face, Lil has seen and spoken to exMM's wife, so there is an element of drinking and seeing exMM, feeling anger = explosive anger and a possible punch up/out. A first time face to face meeting shouldn't be at someone's wedding, on their special day. This is the thing I struggle with. I have seen him once (red stripe story?) in 3 years, my husband hasn't seen him. I think initially, after the blow up, he would have been mad enough to hit him (and my husband is fit - he could take him - lol), but since my husband's affair he has a little more empathy. He even said he had a dream about a year ago that he hugged my xmm in that dream - he said he knew at that point he couldn't be angry with him anymore because he had been capable of the same thing. The other side of this is my husband hasn't been willing to write a nc to his xOW (remember my story of her calling and showing up while I was gone in January?) and he doesn't want to cause waves and he hasn't ever told her to not call, so I'm not sure we're on even footing here, Pierre? But, back to the topic at hand - honestly it would be better to see them in a different environment prior to this wedding just to take the edge off, if you know what I mean. And, today, I just got an invitation to the bride's shower and it is highly likely that my xMM's wife got one too. My good friend told me I should just make the phone call to the mother (my friend) of the bride and say "Hey, this may not be appropriate, but I need to ask the question for my own piece of mind - I want to be sensitive to everyone involved - and then just ask the question". My friend's suggestion was that if she was going to be at the bridal shower, not to go because it's too intimate. At a wedding (larger venue, it's likely we could go and be on the opposite side of the room. I am not afraid to face his BS, she has done some very manipulative things in the past few years that has hurt our family (my kids especially) so I don't really care about that, I just don't want to make it uncomfortable for everyone else on a special day like that. Does that make sense? And, PA, I guess maybe I should remove myself from all kinds of events because I made a mistake? My husband should do the same? Maybe we shouldn't attend our children's weddings because of that? That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. Edited April 16, 2013 by lilmisscantbewrong
loredo21 Posted April 16, 2013 Posted April 16, 2013 i don't think either you or the om should go. You obviously have no respect for marriage so why go and celebrate one? ew!!!!!!!!!
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