femaletroubles Posted April 16, 2013 Posted April 16, 2013 Hi, I Just want some advice/ venting So I've been dating this girl for ~9months. I like her, she's pretty, and sweet. I have found i've started to grow apart a little. I don't want to seem vain but I'm more attractive than her. She's put on a good 20 pounds since we met, and while she was never stick thin, i'm not really attracted physically as much as i used to be. I'm smart, good looking, good personality, and have a good career. From how she was raised she doesn't have the traditional values that I have. Meaning she see's cooking and cleaning as something she does above and beyond for me, while she does do it it's reluctant. I was raised that the men take care of the guy stuff (house work, fixing things, yard work, etc) I really don't like the fact that two generations of parents are divorced, and she blames it all on the males. I just worry that when she see's people she looks up to who are happily divorced that she's more likely to consider it as an option...later in life. We've been having little arguments (that seem to balloon), and I can tell I frustrate her, but I always think that maybe it's me and these thoughts causing it. Question is, i don't want to lose her bc i like many things, but not everything. I feel like "the one" you should know that this is 100% the person you want to end up with. I don't know if i'm "settling" or I don't want to lose her because i've become attached. I want her to find the perfect person for her and i'm not sure if that's me. I'm 28, she's 25 Thanks for your thoughts/ perspectives
veggirl Posted April 16, 2013 Posted April 16, 2013 Do you live with her? How do you think she feels about the relationship? She must realize you guys have different views on male/female roles. Does she acknowledge her weight gain? What caused it? 20 lbs is a lot to put on out of nowhere. This point of your relationship is basically get serious or cut ties time. You have major doubts, you never even in your post say you love her, you say you like her and you like many things about her. I think that's kinda telling, I feel like if you stay in this relationship you guys will end up that couple who is like brother/sister....
mortensorchid Posted April 16, 2013 Posted April 16, 2013 I wish there was something that I could say to give you the absolute answer about this woman. Are you happy with her? Does she give you something that you are not getting from other women? If so, then yes. If not, then you have to leave it. I try to give everyone out there a chance that I encounter. If they are dull or boring they are dull or boring, but I attempt to give them a shot. It doesn't happen? Then it doesn't happen. I keep waiting for that "knowing" or The One to show up. I guess when you know, you know. But then again, how many said that they ended that marriage in divorce or a horrible break up? There are no absolutes in life, no one is perfect, now you are seeing what sides of her are not perfect. You're not either. So what is your answer here now that I have said this? Hopefully, you will truly do what your heart tells you rather than act out of fear. Take the time out to think and do the right thing.
Author femaletroubles Posted April 16, 2013 Author Posted April 16, 2013 She's absolutely crazy about me, she wants to end up with me, and I just would hate to hurt her. I do love her, just I don't feel crazily in love with her. It's more of an I really care for her and don't want to see anything bad ever happen to her I don't live with her. She cooks and makes double what she's eating so it's not too much trouble. But washing things etc I can tell she see's it as a chore. Although I've done things like work on her car/ fix her washing machine etc which i do happily
Author femaletroubles Posted April 16, 2013 Author Posted April 16, 2013 So what is your answer here now that I have said this? Hopefully, you will truly do what your heart tells you rather than act out of fear. Take the time out to think and do the right thing. Thanks, I guess I need to really think about this a lot more (have been for a few weeks). I would definitely be sad if we separated, but having been apart for a few weeks i'm not finding that I miss her intensely
reaver Posted April 16, 2013 Posted April 16, 2013 I would break up with her. Your values dont match. I am similar to her and I personally dont date traditional types. While its nice you are willing to do the yardwork/fixing cars, if you got married (and you both would be working fulltime jobs I assume) I dont think its fair the women is still expected to do most of the daily chores because she is "the woman" Google "double burden" Its when women work a full time job and then come home to another unpaid shift of work- cooking and cleaning everyday. Plus you prob. believe women should do most of the childcare? Nah, men like this annoy me...if we both work full time I shouldnt bear the brunt of the housework. 1
KungFuJoe Posted April 16, 2013 Posted April 16, 2013 Leave her. When you're with the "one" these types of thoughts won't even cross your mind. You'll be too busy thinking about how lucky you are and how awesome she is. 5
pbjbear Posted April 16, 2013 Posted April 16, 2013 Leave her. Let her find a guy who doesnt think she should be his slave. I get you on the weight part but tell me, you both work, right? Why does she have to do all the chores that are done on a frequent basis because it is a "woman's place" (cooking, washing, cleaning) while you only get to do irregular chores? That sort of situation isnt fair at all which is why I avoid men with traditional values. Sorry hunny, if you want a modern woman that works full time like you you dont get a maid when you come home. Perhaps washing is a chore for her because she doesnt want to be your slave 1
Divasu Posted April 16, 2013 Posted April 16, 2013 Leave her. When you're with the "one" these types of thoughts won't even cross your mind. You'll be too busy thinking about how lucky you are and how awesome she is. Normally I would agree with that, but there are a lot of articles that talk about this very subject (IE: losing attraction to your partner). Though, nine months into it, I would think you would still be in the honeymoon phase. But, this isn't just about lack of physical attraction but also a difference in personal values (which, I think should be of utmost importance). OP, sounds like you need to have a talk with her.
Author femaletroubles Posted April 16, 2013 Author Posted April 16, 2013 First bolded: I almost stopped right there and told you to ditch her. Until I saw the second bolded. It's awesome that you found a girl that's willing to do that kind of stuff, but if she's doing it reluctantly now, it'll be even worse later on. Ditto to the weight thing. Brutally honest! Thanks she only put on weight bc she's in school and i can understand that (doesn't really go to the gym and likes the sweeter foods, has a healthy appetite) she's sensed i've been pulling away, and she's tried to be very affectionate and she's been exercising etc. It's hard to end a relationship when the other person is so into you. It makes me feel like a bad person that my side of the attraction isn't there anymore
Eggplant Posted April 16, 2013 Posted April 16, 2013 I like her, she's pretty, and sweet. I have found i've started to grow apart a little. I don't want to seem vain but I'm more attractive than her. I cannot speak for your girlfriend, but as a woman I'd have no interest wasting any time on a man who saw me as simply passable. Let her find a man who cherishes her. Perhaps somebody not as fabulous as you are who would commit to her without a second thought. Break up with her and find the girl of your dreams. Life is too short for this crap. 5
HoneyBadgerDontCare Posted April 16, 2013 Posted April 16, 2013 Brutally honest! Thanks she only put on weight bc she's in school and i can understand that (doesn't really go to the gym and likes the sweeter foods, has a healthy appetite) she's sensed i've been pulling away, and she's tried to be very affectionate and she's been exercising etc. It's hard to end a relationship when the other person is so into you. It makes me feel like a bad person that my side of the attraction isn't there anymore LOL a person being really into you is not a good reason to stay with them. 2
HoneyBadgerDontCare Posted April 16, 2013 Posted April 16, 2013 I feel you on the weight gain. But expecting a girl to cook and wash for you daily while you only do things here and there is a bit too far. Do you expect a woman to work full time like a man? Would you expect her to do all of this stuff for you if you lived together and both worked? You and HoneyBadger sound sexist no offense. Its crazy to suggest a woman who works fulltime should do all of the housework on top of that. If I were a woman I would beaware of men with this attitude. My parents had a setup like that and it drove my mom nuts and caused issues in their marriage because my father did not pull his fair share of weight housework wise which stressed out my mother because she did it on top of raising us and working fulltime. Another option would be to make a lot of money so that she doesn't have to work.
Eggplant Posted April 16, 2013 Posted April 16, 2013 It makes me feel like a bad person that my side of the attraction isn't there anymore You sound as though you have a heart, which is probably part of why she likes you. It is so hard to break up, but she will recover and find somebody who loves her. The worst thing you can do to her is to rob her and yourself of time to find that person. Trust me. You don't have to feel guilty for not wanting her ... it's out of your control. 1
Author femaletroubles Posted April 16, 2013 Author Posted April 16, 2013 Normally I would agree with that, but there are a lot of articles that talk about this very subject (IE: losing attraction to your partner). Though, nine months into it, I would think you would still be in the honeymoon phase. But, this isn't just about lack of physical attraction but also a difference in personal values (which, I think should be of utmost importance). OP, sounds like you need to have a talk with her. Thanks everyone, I will have to have a talk with her about whether I'm the right person for her. Last thing i want to do is hurt her, but i don't want to waste her time. Marriage is hard, and I think i want a person with strong family values, she never told me about her family issues until a month or two into this. ps I don't consider her passable, she is an amazing person, i'm just wondering outloud if she's everything i'm looking for
veggirl Posted April 16, 2013 Posted April 16, 2013 Sounds like you love her in the way you would love a friend. You love her but aren't in love with her. You care about her and don't want to hurt her but at the same time you are clearly not satisfied with the relationship. You are 28, can you envision 60 more years of this? Just seems like resentment waiting to happen. If you knew about her family issues after 1 or 2 mos of dating, and family issues are a dealbreaker for you, why did you stay with her another 7 or 8 mos?!
Author femaletroubles Posted April 16, 2013 Author Posted April 16, 2013 I don't think i could last 60 years. I'm just not crazy enough about her. We get into arguments about small things. She tries to domesticate me, that's just not me. I stayed with her because, you can't control if your parents divorce, it's not her fault. I thought I could work around it, but over time i've seen how little her opinion is of her father, who was clearly crushed by her mother divorcing him. She doesn't see his side of it and paints her mother as a saint. They both cheated, they both got physical, there's equal blame.
SJC2008 Posted April 16, 2013 Posted April 16, 2013 Yall seem to be at a fork in the road and are approaching the one year mark. I personally think you feel you're settling given you mention your looks and she's gained 20 pounds. I can understand if she wen't from a bikini babe to Rosanne but 20 pounds? That's nothing in my book! There are two more issues I see. One is your traditional values. If you think the womens "place" is in the kitchen and doing housework you need to make some serious bankroll and have a stay at home wife/mother. Women complain about this a lot and I side with them. The last problem I see is your gf painting your mom as a saint and your dad as the bad guy given what you've posted about them. You need to ask her why, there may be a valid reason.
man_in_the_box Posted April 16, 2013 Posted April 16, 2013 If its 20 lbs after 1 year its not going to stop. Be carefull OP, before you know it you're stuck in something you cannot get out of. Significant weight gain early in the relationship is a bad sign. Been there, done that. Also I would expect doing all the housechores is much more work then fixing landrymachines, cars etc. Try and get a more realalistic distribution of the workload. That will always score you points if you're fair.
Mme. Chaucer Posted April 16, 2013 Posted April 16, 2013 She cooks and makes double what she's eating so it's not too much trouble. ^^^^ That qualifies as cooking meals for the two of you. Are you thinking she should be making food that she doesn't intend to eat herself? But washing things etc I can tell she see's it as a chore. Although I've done things like work on her car/ fix her washing machine etc which i do happily You don't live together - what of yours is she supposed to be washing? Working on her car or washing machine are very nice things to do, but they are not daily chores. Are you thinking she should be cleaning your home and doing your laundry??? When you don't even live together! That is a weird thing to be troubled by, IMO. I don't think that when you find "the one" (lord how I detest that expression, but there you go) that she'll be running over to your place to clean it up after work every day, either. All that aside, you are questioning this relationship and the woman too much. If you think you might be settling, then you are settling. And no matter how into you she may be, she does not want to be settled for, I can almost promise you. So, it does seem that the right thing to do at this point is to say goodbye. It's really bad if one person knows that it's not quite right while the other thinks that they're moving towards marriage. Since you know, you need to make the move.
masako Posted April 16, 2013 Posted April 16, 2013 If you are having this kind of thoughts already she dfinitely is NOT the one...otherwise you would never think of if its better for her tobe with another man and trying to be the man she wants to be with instead.
runningfar Posted April 16, 2013 Posted April 16, 2013 Find someone with similar values. A gender distribution of labor is not inherently wrong so long as you aren't working the same amount outside the home. (Measured by time not money )
MidwestUSA Posted April 16, 2013 Posted April 16, 2013 She is not "the one". If she was, you wouldn't be here asking. Do her a favor, and let her go now.
Harlequin_Dog Posted April 16, 2013 Posted April 16, 2013 Move on and let her go. The fact that you have vastly different core values alone should stop this. You want very hetero-normative gender roles, she does not. There is no 'right' or 'wrong' way to divide work in a relationship, but both parties need to be on the same page! It's very clear that you have different expectations, and that you are effectively expecting her to change her values for you. That is not a sign of a healthy relationship, imo. There will be someone who will be a better fit. (And if I may suggest- keep your mind open to different ways to divide work as well. But I feel other posters have already voiced this notion. )
Author femaletroubles Posted April 16, 2013 Author Posted April 16, 2013 Thanks everyone, i read everyone's post. Yes she's probably not the right person for me. I do do the dishes and clean everything up after she cooks... As to the laundry...I only asked her once when i stayed over her place, and she flat out refused with an ensuing argument when i told her that it was fine i'd just have to go back to my apartment to get clothes. I've just lost a lot of the initial attraction to her, I'll have to gently have a talk with her. Thanks again everyone, it is very nice of you all to give your honest opinions and advice
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