Do you invite your MM/MW into your home?

[HonestNeurotic]

For those of you that are married and the OW - - - -

 

I know this may sound bizarre - but I can't do that. It's like some loyalty line to me.

 

Would you want to go to his home? Have you?

 

I had mentioned that I was taking my husband to the airport and my MM half jokingly said he wanted to come over to watch me paint. Ahem. You can never go to my house! Ever! - I exclaimed. I've told him this once before. He's never outright ASKED, but I'm not always sure that he's only half joking to gauge my response. See if I changed my mind.

 

I told him I would NEVER go to his house even if his family was out of the country. I just find that disrespectful somehow. He knows where I live and we've shared pictures of our homes so I don't about if he knows where I live or not.

 

We don't share common friends or common anything, so there is no reason for us to go to each others homes. My exMM had been to my home a few times, he knew my husband slightly. But never to see just me. I think that would just be too weird. Just a curious thought.

[Goodbye]

I couldn't go into his home. That would really creep me out. We had a long distance relationship and he wanted me to go to his home once when his wife was out of town. He also wanted to stay in my home. I am no longer married, so it wouldn't have been a major boundary for me, but I told him he couldn't stay here until he had filed for divorce. I didn't want to have him in my home, and think of him here all the time when he is home with his wife. That would have made it even more difficult.

[loredo21]

noooo no no. never!

[AnotherRound]

I was a single OW, so yes, exMM was in my home a lot. However, I never went into his wife's home. I didn't even drive on the street if I could avoid it. I didn't show up at her place of work, and when I had to go to the schools for my job, I purposely made sure that I would not be there during any of their children's activities or when they were picking them up or dropping them off.

 

ExMM once asked me to come to their home. He had done some remodeling of his space there and really wanted me to see it - as we are very similar in taste and he thought I would really like what he did. I adamantly said no, he could take a picture of it and show me if he wanted - and he agreed that it was disrespectful to do so, he just hated not being able to share these things with me sometimes. I understood that, as he came into my home and saw my projects, things I was working on, etc. and he hated that I couldn't see that part of his life too.

 

But, I kept my distance out of respect. His exW knew about me, so there was no surprise element, but I was as respectful of her as I could be, all things considered. We had a bit different situation in that everyone was aware, but still - her space was her space. She did attempt to encroach on my space a couple of times, but that was easily remedied by exMM simply reminding her that she had no right. In the end, I think she realized that I truly could have made the whole situation very messy - and she respected me for not doing so. At least, that's what she told some friends of hers and exMM... so, I accomplished what I intended with that.

[AnotherRound]

This may sound naive , and I don't want to ruffle any feathers, but I don't really understand the significance of this boundary...please explain...

 

Well, my situation was a bit different in that there was no deception. So, this was a boundary that I thought needed to be respected - all ways. In that, I wouldn't encroach on the exWs space, nor she mine. I can see that if she was unaware of me that this boundary might seem somewhat arbitrary considering all of the other crossovers happening. But for me, it was about respect.

 

We were all, myself, exMM and his now exW, knowingly participating in an "open marriage" type of situation, if you will. So the fact that I was sleeping with her husband, but she was keeping the "family" thing for herself with him - didn't mean that it was a free for all. I wasn't partying it up with him in her home, etc. We were separate relationships, and I wouldn't take my bf into my neighbor's house and have sex with him, so, why would I go to his "family partner's" house and do that?

 

I know mine isn't the "norm" - and I can see why it seems silly in some cases, but for me, it was about keeping our relationships with exMM completely separated. They were literally two completely different relationships, with different purposes, and so it just made sense to keep very clear boundaries on that in our case.

[Wellington]

He wanted me to go to his. I said,NO WAY JOSE! He seemed disappointed. He did come to mine once. I look at it now and think, "how stupid and disrespectful". Yeah, I know, kind of an oxymoron. I wish he hadn't as now I "see him" in rooms of my home and want SO much to forget about him. I wish I had kept "My space", my space. Away from him. My animals even got to meet him....poor things. Lol..

[AnotherRound]

It is more rationalization to feel good. But, as I said, no big deal. This is how some humans operate to survive self examination.

 

I find this ridiculous - no offense intended. It seems so nicely wrapped up with a bow, and really unrealistic. Not to mention, pretty black and white (which as you know is really a cognitive disconnect to avoid confusion and uncomfortable feelings).

 

I envy you most days - your ability to compartmentalize so many issues into such neat little packages. I'm sure it makes life much easier to tolerate, and takes a lot less time than I spend on a daily basis contemplating myself and my choices. I wish your nature was my nature - I wish for that kind of easiness about dividing the world into comfortable categories.

[wanting more]

There are some things BSs accept that I myself as an OW don't understand. There are things OW do that BSs will never understand. I think this is one of them.

 

xMM used to comment about coming to my house. It never happened. Would've never happened. And I couldn't imagine ever going to his.

 

I know some people think we (OW) don't have many or any lines set, but that was Definately one for me.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

My situation might be a little different in that our families were closer so we were in and out of each others house all of the time. I never had sex with my XMM in my house but we did in his - not their bed - but on a couch which has probably now been burned.

 

When I think about it now it makes me sick that I even allowed it or was a party to it. His oldest son was taking a nap in the next room and his 3 month old baby asleep and wife doing black friday shopping. I know, I know - i am despecable. It was a horrible time with not much thinking.

 

It goes to show that no one thinks clearly during an affair.

 

Makes me sick....

[MissBee]

For those of you that are married and the OW - - - -

 

I know this may sound bizarre - but I can't do that. It's like some loyalty line to me.

 

Would you want to go to his home? Have you?

 

I had mentioned that I was taking my husband to the airport and my MM half jokingly said he wanted to come over to watch me paint. Ahem. You can never go to my house! Ever! - I exclaimed. I've told him this once before. He's never outright ASKED, but I'm not always sure that he's only half joking to gauge my response. See if I changed my mind.

 

I told him I would NEVER go to his house even if his family was out of the country. I just find that disrespectful somehow. He knows where I live and we've shared pictures of our homes so I don't about if he knows where I live or not.

 

We don't share common friends or common anything, so there is no reason for us to go to each others homes. My exMM had been to my home a few times, he knew my husband slightly. But never to see just me. I think that would just be too weird. Just a curious thought.

 

If I were married and having an affair, that would be a boundary for me indeed. Inviting my AP to my spouse's home would really be adding insult t injury and I'd really wonder about the man who'd even agree to it smh lol.

 

In my A, he wasn't married, and I honestly believe if he were that wold have made the A even less likely. That said, his partner did not live with him, and he tried to invite me to come spend a week with him at his home...I refused. Although it wasn't her house, he lived their with THEIR child! I just didn't feel comfortable with that personally. So if he had been married...probably no A would have existed, but say it still did, I would definitely not go to their home.

[lynn1954]

Dear OW:

 

Never, never go into your MM's home. Never!

 

I was married, and my H was having an affair that I didn't know about.

 

On Sunday morning, my son and I went to church, expecting to be gone almost 3 hours. Instead, we came back home unexpectedly after only about 30 minutes.

 

He'd brought the OW into our house, and she was there when my son and I returned. Long story, but we managed to get her back out of the house without my son seeing or knowing.

 

I was blindsided and devastated.

 

Forget this honor among thieves bull and saying it's okay for OW to go to MM's home because you're already immoral.

 

The OW stays out of the MMs house so that the BS and innocent children don't get traumatized.

 

jeez

[MissBee]

Dear OW:

 

Never, never go into your MM's home. Never!

 

I was married, and my H was having an affair that I didn't know about.

 

On Sunday morning, my son and I went to church, expecting to be gone almost 3 hours. Instead, we came back home unexpectedly after only about 30 minutes.

 

He'd brought the OW into our house, and she was there when my son and I returned. Long story, but we managed to get her back out of the house without my son seeing or knowing.

 

I was blindsided and devastated.

 

Forget this honor among thieves bull and saying it's okay for OW to go to MM's home because you're already immoral.

 

The OW stays out of the MMs house so that the BS and innocent children don't get traumatized.

 

jeez

 

I agree.

 

I do think there are levels of "bad" and ways to add insult to injury.

 

Having an affair is bad already but certainly there are actions that can make an already bad situation worse. Impregnating the OW, having sex in the BS's bed, being involved with the children, etc. are all ways in which insult is added to injury.

 

If my spouse was having an affair, I know certain things like that would guarantee a swift divorce and no thoughts of reconciliation. I'm so sorry you had to experience that. I cannnnot even imagine what I'd do had I come home to find an OW sprawled out in my home...omfg.....I'm seeing red just thinking about it!

 

Yea...I do think there are indeed boundaries one can choose not to cross even within an affair, to make an already bad situation less so.

[Praying4Peace]

Response to original question: Yes.

 

Only hesitation was not being able to relax if someone came home.

 

I guess we were so into each other it seemed weird to care or draw those boundaries when everything else was crossed.

[AnotherRound]

OK, there is nothing wrong with you. You made an error and you recognized the error. Furthermore, you feel guilt and remorse. I congratulate you for being that way. That is how a normal human should react. At least you do not play the sanctimonious game.

 

See - there it is again! lol That, if you act like A, then you are a "good" person, if you act like B, then you are a "bad" person.

 

I'm not a believer in god, but even with my heathen views - I know that no other human has the right to tell me what kind of person I am. Their opinion, sure - but to just slam the gavel and say, bc of A you are B - craziness!

 

And sorry here Pierre, but you are the last person I would let define my reality. When I have done something "wrong" I am the first to admit it - but what I did was not wrong - unless you believe in mortal sins - which I don't. And that is the disconnect - your god is not my god, nor am I obligated to follow the rules of your god. Therefore, your god rules don't apply to me. It is not immoral by nature to have more than one relationship at a time, therefore, no rationalization needed.

 

This isn't about "honor amongst thieves" - although I see why you need to see it that way. In my situation, there would have really been no reason for me not to go into their home - I just didn't want to for my own boundaries. No immorality in it - only imposed immorality by some who think that they set the rules for everyone in the world, according to their beliefs.

 

Anyway, for my situation, it wasn't really an issue - I had no desire to be in their home, and she had no reason to be in mine. ExMM however, lived in both places - that was the ONLY connection that she and I had. That I was in a relationship with someone that she had formerly been intimate with. We all had an agreement, and it was based on what we were each okay with. She was okay with keeping up appearances, I was okay with not needing to be a part of that, and he was okay with having two separate and entirely different types of relationships with the two of us.

[Lillyfree]

i feel grossed out that OM sat in my car, which my kids are in every day.

 

him being in my house wouldn't even cross my mind.

[AnotherRound]

Morality is relative. An act in a vacuum has no morality. I don't place people in boxes, I simply read what you and other posters write. If you feel a need to rationalize that is very telling.

 

 

 

You are wrong. In a civilized society there are rules in place to prevent some persons to cause harm to others. Judges decide on a daily basis who is a criminal or not.

 

BTW, the existence of God cannot be proven.

 

 

 

 

You just defined "Honor among thieves." "I have sex with her H, but not in her house". Yes, you have boundaries!

 

 

 

See above. Immorality is relative. if your act causes harm to others then it is immoral. The decision is not up to you. Making up your own rules of morality to fit your situation is a monumental ethical fallacy. It is probably worse than doing "honor among thieves".

 

Lol... okay. Sometimes, I come here just to lighten my day by reading your posts Pierre! Thank you for that! In a time when I have had great sadness, it is nice to smile and chuckle a little... to remind me the silliness of life is always present. Have a great night!

[underwater2010]

She offered to pack a bag and come to my house. So I am guessing that was a boundary she did not mind crossing.

[underwater2010]

I am wondering if they sold minivan after I forwarded all the messages. I know it would have been for sale the next day.

[AnotherRound]

I am wondering if they sold minivan after I forwarded all the messages. I know it would have been for sale the next day.

 

This post confuses me... as does your previous one. Did she (I'm assuming the OW?) offer to pack her bags and come to your house AFTER you weren't there any longer? Or, while you were still married?

[skylarblue]

During the A, we both would visit each other's home. Although I wasn't married, he visited me at my family's home so often that my mother voiced some concern (because of his marital status). Also, if we'd ever been caught in a compromising position, it definitely would have been a huge problem for me.

 

I never asked to go to xMM home, but I did want to from the get-go. For me, it was all part of the allure, part of the goal. I was kinda of the opposite side of the spectrum. Instead of boundaries that could/would have been a mitigation to the A, I wanted/hoped to cross those boundaries. I did (as mentioned) "jokingly" comment to things he'd say though to hint that if serious, I'd be receptive. However, xMM was the only one to make the suggestions with no coercion from me. I would simply accept.

 

Needless to say, it didn't bother me to go there. I thought it would've/should've been more uncomfortable for xMM. It was his W, his wedding, and his children's pictures hanging all around. The only adverse feeling I had was initial nervousness that she would come home unexpected, but even that was a rush of sorts (as I believe it became sorta for xMM too). Beyond my personal thrill to be there, I really was fascinated to be in "her world". It was like I wanted to see/know every single thing, examine every little detail about her through her home/possessions. I mean everything - even looking to see how her dishes were arranged, what type of groceries she bought, what size shoes did she wear - really obsessive, nut job curiosity type of sh*t.

 

I must say, I was also very, very flattered and honored that xMM invited me to his home.

I don't think it's something he did or took lightly.

[TheOW]

No neither of us went to each others houses.

 

Hmmm .... My house a definitive no, end off, no question! His house ? Im not so sure if im honest with myself, i can sit here and say "no way" but at the time ? Im not so sure so i wont lie and say i def would not have when the chances are pretty high that I would have.

 

I was extremely territorial and jealous over him and I made sure I was constantly on his mind.

 

Pretty f**ked up when you think about it now lol

[Got it]

For those of you that are married and the OW - - - -

 

I know this may sound bizarre - but I can't do that. It's like some loyalty line to me.

 

Would you want to go to his home? Have you?

 

I had mentioned that I was taking my husband to the airport and my MM half jokingly said he wanted to come over to watch me paint. Ahem. You can never go to my house! Ever! - I exclaimed. I've told him this once before. He's never outright ASKED, but I'm not always sure that he's only half joking to gauge my response. See if I changed my mind.

 

I told him I would NEVER go to his house even if his family was out of the country. I just find that disrespectful somehow. He knows where I live and we've shared pictures of our homes so I don't about if he knows where I live or not.

 

We don't share common friends or common anything, so there is no reason for us to go to each others homes. My exMM had been to my home a few times, he knew my husband slightly. But never to see just me. I think that would just be too weird. Just a curious thought.

 

Yes, he was in my house a few times and I was in his house once in the front foyer as I was picking him up. Are you asking if people had sex or just physically entered the house at all?

[Got it]

Or she just felt like giving him whatever as potentially a way to help him out.

 

I gave dMM a car for his daughter. I didn't need the car, it wasn't worth much, they didn't have the money to buy her one so I helped out. I didn't care if he took the car or not as I would have just donated it. I also did not get any emotions, positive or negative, tied to the fact they had the car. There was a need and so I was able to help fill it. Really no different than anyone else in my life. I gave away another vehicle to someone else for nominal monies because I didn't need it any longer and they did and couldn't afford to spend very much.

[TheOW]

Nope didnt think I was part of his family and he was not part of mines either but we were part of each other lives if you accept that or not.

[TheOW]

She certainly was not a part of my life and she was not a part of my kids lives she was not a part of our home, no matter how much she wanted to fantasize that she somehow was.

 

I completely agree with you.