BlueBay Posted April 15, 2013 Posted April 15, 2013 I've been thinking about breaking up with my girlfriend for a while now, but can never bring myself to do it because I always think things could get better or I'm just over-thinking things. Me and my girlfriend met 7 years ago online on a virtual chat program called IMVU. At the time we were both in other relationships with people we also met online. Over the course of the first year we grew closer and became best friends. We ended up hooking up while still in our relationships,and broke off our other relationships to be with each other. After a couple months, I took a train out to where she lived and stayed in a hotel in her area so we could get past it being just an online relationship and make it feel more real. She's my first real relationship I've ever had. The previous relationship I was in when I think about it, I believe I was "catfished" or whatever the term is now. After those couple weeks with her in real life, we've talked on the phone almost all day everyday, play all sorts of video and computer games together, watch movies together, etc. It's been about 6 years or so since we got together. Since then she's gotten a full time job, I've gone out to live at her parents house with her for a couple months then I felt like her parents kicked me out. She came to my parents house to visit me and help my family for a month or 2 when my lil brother had surgery, and then again for a week to spent time with me for my birthday, and most recently I went back out to her parents house to attempt to move in and live with her, but her parents expected more of me then I was able and kicked me out again. Since then things have really felt different. I suffer from severe depression and schiztophrenia and high anxiety. I'm a very shy person, and am unable to get a job the way I am. For a while now our relationship to me, hasn't felt like boyfriend and girlfriend, but more like just best friends. While it is my first real relationship, it doesn' feel like I'm looking through rose colored glasses or anything. With her full time job now, we just don't spend as much time together like we used to which was almost all hours of the day, everyday. And with my mental and emotional issues, there have been a few instances over the course of our relationship where she's told me i've hurt her with the way I've acted. whether it be not talking to her for a couple hours because thats how I learned to deal with conflict to keep myself from blowing up, or more recently she says I snapped at her because I got frustrated with something. She doesn't like to tell me when I hurt her or upset her because she knows it will hurt me and make me depressed. But I feel I'm supposed to be because I'm the one that hurt her. Neither of us really have anyone in our live with solid relationships to look to as examples either. My parents are in the middle of a divorce, and her parents are likely on their way to that as well. Her younger brother is getting married next year, but she says it seems all he and his fiance do lately is fight. I don't know how I feel anymore. I still love her and care for her. But I always think I'm holding her back and she shouldn't have to keep waiting for me to get my life to where we could live together. The stuff I have, there is no cure for, I'll always have this crap, just hopefully someday i'll be able to get a steady job and live. I've expressed my doubts about our relationship to her a couple times, it saddens her but she always says even if we do end it, she'll still talk to me and we'll stay best friends, and she always makes me feel maybe it's just one of my mood swings from my depression, or that we can work through it if I just give it more time. This week she is out of town visiting her grandparents for the whole week. she left friday and we've barely texted since. She didnt contact me at all friday and I felt ok with that. She tried to contact me a couple times on saturday but I was distracted with either my games or taking care of my sister and didn't respond. Sunday she texted me some more and I replied and she told me she thought I was mad at her because I didn't reply saturday. I told her I wasn't mad, and I really wasn't. We only texted back and forth for maybe 20 minutes on sunday and haven't texted or chatted since. I think this is probably the longest we've gone without much contact with eachother in 6 years and it's not really bothering me as much as I thought it would. It just feels, I don't know, different I suppose. I guess maybe the distance is finally taking it's toll. I still can't decide if I should just break things off with her, or just keep going and see if things will get better like I always hope it will.
OwlSoul Posted April 15, 2013 Posted April 15, 2013 Looks like by better you mean getting back the same strenth of love which was before, don't you? Make sure you are not feeling guilty and not blaming yourself for anything. Guilt = 1# love killer. You cannot just sit passively and wait for better days. It'll get worse unless you will not talk to her and adress your doubts, understanding that it is just a periodic feeling.
Author BlueBay Posted April 15, 2013 Author Posted April 15, 2013 I guess by better I do mean to the way it was before, feeling like an actual relationship and not just friends. I do talk to her about how I'm feeling and my doubts about our relationship, she always tells me we'll get through and work on it, but things just seem to go on as they are. I do feel guilty and blame myself for most of the problems in my relationship, maybe that's just because of my depression and other mental illnesses. But I feel I should feel this way when she tells me I've made her cry or upset her in some way. I don't like it when I unintentionally hurt her but feel I should be blamed for doing it, something like that. She's always telling me these doubts I have are most likely just periodic feelings from depressive swings. But it leaves me wondering why I have these doubts so often, even at times when I'm not feeling depressed. Your right though, I am a very passive person, and I'm very indecisive as well. But I always tell her how I'm feeling and what I'm thinking, I'm very open with her about my emotions, I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve, or however that saying goes.
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