A little guidence.

[Hurtmuppet]

About a month ago my wonderful GF broke up with me. She did it because I was selfish and just not a good BF. I don't blame her for doing this. I hurt her really bad. For the last month I have been trying my hardest to get her back. I need to tell you the whole story to understand what's happening. A year ago she became pregnant and was the happiest I’ve ever seen her. We were both fresh out of previous marriages. She didn’t want to, but we decided to have an abortion. She was never the same after that. This was a year ago. Since then I have avoided talking about what we did or what she did to please me. When she wanted to talk about it I became upset and refused to talk about the issue. She tried for a year and I became this selfish insecure jealous monster. She did her best to hide how she was really feeling. All of our friends through we were the perfect couple. I have kids from my previous marriage and she doesn’t. I was always pro-life and I never thought I would do this, but I became scared and asked her to do this for me. She had enough and now she doesn’t want to see me. We talked about marriage and having a family together. She wants none of that now, well not with me anyways. I don’t blame her. I know now what I did was wrong and I didn’t give her the proper support. I finally called a support group and she agreed to go to groups and a retreat in May. Now I feel horrible for what I made her do. The lady said I need to get help myself which I plan on doing. I love her more than anything and she won’t hear me out. Yesterday I asked her if we could go to couples therapy and she told me she doesn’t want too. She’s happier without me. I was a constant reminder of the baby and now that she doesn’t have to see me she doesn’t think about the baby all the time. I know I was wrong. I feel so much quilt and shame. I scarred the most amazing person I ever met. I want to make things right, but now she hates me and said she never wants to be with me again. I know I need to give her space, but I want to help her and she won’t let me. I’m in so much pain because of our baby and her not wanting to be with me. How can I ease some of this pain and what can I do to show her I’m not that selfish person anymore. Please help. Any advice would be eternally grateful.

[Chi townD]

If you want to SHOW her that you're not that selfish person anymore, then leave her alone.

 

Not what you wanted to hear, but it's the truth. She said it herself, she's happier without you. Therefore, if you love her, then you'll let her go so she can be happy.

 

You need to get yourself into individual counseling to deal with your guilt issues. It's painfully obvious that you have a lot of issues to work through.

 

Sorry dude. But, I think you need to write this relationship off.

[Hurtmuppet]

I know I don't want to hear it, but I figured that's what I need to do. Thank you Chi townD. I needed someone to be brutally honest with me. I truly do love her and I want her to be happy. I don't know how I could hurt her so much when I love her more than anything. I guess I don't deserve her.

[TaraMaiden]

You're right. You don't.

 

And coercing someone into having an abortion, when you say you're Pro-life?

And you have kids, but she hasn't?

And she was the happiest you'd ever seen her, but she did it 'for you'?

Because you got cold feet?

And you refuse to discuss it, or talk about it or get it into the open?

 

You're damn right, you sure as hell don't.

 

Give her the best and biggest gift you ever could, and disappear from her life, completely.

For ever.

 

Sorry, but I really don't feel that kindly inclined towards you at all. In fact, 'utter contempt' is closer.

 

My entire sympathy, lies with her, not you.

[Hurtmuppet]

Thank you. I just want to make things right. I know I can't ever do that. I need to hear this.

[TaraMaiden]

You also need to work on you.

Because what you are seeking is HER forgiveness, but she can't give you that, because that, to her, is letting you off the hook too easy.

 

Let's be perfectly frank here: You did the wrong thing, in every way imaginable, at every stage.

She can't let go of that with you continually harassing her to hear you out.

 

Part of your 'punishment' as far as she's concerned, is that you don't get that privilege.

 

Sadly, you need to give up on her, but you could very probably do with counselling yourself, because without her forgiveness, you're going to carry on carrying the guilt - and if you do, it won't get better, it will get worse.

 

So you need to find a way of lightening your burden.

 

I don't think you should completely get over it, or to be perfectly honest with you, I don't think you should ever be allowed to completely get over it.

 

But you need to balance the whole thing in such a way as to remember this, but not let it completely overwhelm you and engulf you in shame for the rest of your life.

[Hurtmuppet]

You're right. I was selfish and hurt her more and more as time went by. I don't blame her for not wanting to be with me. I just feel like I owe it to her to try and help her heal. Which is why I got her the help she needed. I have decided to leave her completely alone. This way she can heal. Thank you for all the advice you're offering. To be honest I feel like I deserve all this pain that I'm going through. She went through it for a whole year. I hope that there's a guy out there that reads this and won't make the same mistakes I did.