ChessPieceFace Posted April 21, 2013 Posted April 21, 2013 6+ hours with someone you don't know. Don't listen to people's trolling, I'd be as anxious about it as you are. Obviously a bad idea for an initial meeting but you're kinda stuck with it now. Try to hope for the best. Nevertheless, you might want to arrange for a friend to call you in between these 2 events with an "emergency." Just in case. Oops, looks like my advice is too late LOL. Next time try to arrange a quick meetup. If you give up after 1 guy you're no better than he was. 1
married2school Posted April 21, 2013 Posted April 21, 2013 I feel like long first dates planned ahead of time are always doomed. That being said, I've had a lot of long first dates... But it's always been, "Oh do you want to check out this other bar? Do you want to grab coffee after dinner? Do you want to stay for the fireworks?" For the love of God, please ask me and give me a chance for an out if I don't like you.... 1
MrCastle Posted April 21, 2013 Posted April 21, 2013 Seriously, I have well and truly had enough of OLD. If there is a lesson to be learned here, it's this. 1
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted April 21, 2013 Author Posted April 21, 2013 If there is a lesson to be learned here, it's this. OLD is such an unnatural way to meet people. It's so awkward and forced. Give me a hug 3
outsidethebox Posted April 21, 2013 Posted April 21, 2013 why do you guys blame OLD for a decision made to go on a 6 hour first date? OLD didn't force you to do that. Quit blaming OLD for your own failings. I'm referring here to those who constantly blame it.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted April 21, 2013 Author Posted April 21, 2013 Uggggh. I hate this sort of OLD... being stuck there, the awkwardness, the whole deal. I feel for you. I'm assuming this wasn't the anal sex guy? Nope it wasn't. Anal sex guy was someone I have known a lot longer but also initially met online :S 1
Ninjainpajamas Posted April 21, 2013 Posted April 21, 2013 (edited) why do you guys blame OLD for a decision made to go on a 6 hour first date? OLD didn't force you to do that. Quit blaming OLD for your own failings. I'm referring here to those who constantly blame it. I agree. Personally, I don't think I'll ever be able to relate how people can blame any one thing for lack of success or disappointment. When you meet someone at the beach and it fails...do you say you're never going to meet anyone at the beach again? Or if you go to concerts, each time you met someone there and it ended with a horror story, are concerts now the bane of your existence? I think people look to blame something, it had to be this or that, it was because of this why it didn't work or wasn't successful. It couldn't have been my fault or anything to do with me, it's always something out of my power and control, so I'll just blame this person or inanimate object. I understand OLD can be a crap shoot, because you're going off of an interaction that doesn't involve being able to see the other person. But I also see people shot-gun dates. Oh I met this person, exchanged two messages and now we met and it was a disaster!...I mean what do you really expect? I think it's really about your comfort zone, a lot of people feel disarmed meeting people OLD, like they can't whip out all their tools to swoon the ladies or meet the "right" men. IME I haven't met someone who was good at meeting the right men IRL then had horrible success with OLD, the results usually mirrored each other, there were difficulty in both worlds but OLD taking the blame for some reason when it didn't work out there. The difference was they had more time to feel out the person in real life, even though in the end both men could either been deceptive or not clicked on other levels. My personal opinion is OLD demands a different skill set and understanding, especially for men. I think it allows men to hide better behind false pretenses and also for people to give off a particular vibe and attitude that really isn't them or you really wouldn't have fallen for in real life possibly. You can easily be misread or the things you say misinterpreted through OLD, because it's a different kind of expression and a lot of those things you think work for you well IRL, aren't exactly effective in that format. If you can succeed as a man in OLD, there's a damn good chance you can succeed IRL IMO, because online dating is more difficult for men. But maybe not, maybe your angle is getting to know women first, and maybe online dating gives them a chance to get to know you first, where as in real life they'd have dismissed you. If you can succeed as a woman in OLD, it depends on what you are trying to succeed at. Getting dates is a no-brainer for women in OLD for most, especially in a big city. I see women get an attitude and entitlement chip on their shoulder "Wow, look at all these men after me...I'm so validated right now, but these guys aren't hot enough or the total package for me". Getting relationships, well that's more of a challenge...but that's a challenge for many women in many environments...so why the blame shifting to OLD? As far as ES, this didn't seem like the best idea...I think the hopeless romantic won out and you thought maybe things could go really well and something magical may have happened over it, or at least you'd have a good time...I know women like to go out and do things and don't necessarily have an expectation of things turning out great...but you might in the back of your mind hope they will. But look, it doesn't seem you spent a lot of time talking to this guy and you just messaged him because he was "hot"...I mean c'mon ES, I know you know better than that. Maybe your adventurous spirit got you that day or something, but it's a roll of the dice, you meet someone you hardly know and plan a 6 hour day with them, well that's a pretty 50/50 gamble...I'm not seeing the fault of OLD here though, you're a big girl, you made your own decisions and you always seem to bounce back. Edited April 21, 2013 by Ninjainpajamas 3
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted April 21, 2013 Author Posted April 21, 2013 I think the reason why OLD doesn't work well for me is because I need time to develop an attraction to someone. In OLD, you are essentially dating from the first or second time you meet, and I struggle to feel anything. It all feels awkward and rushed. It's different when you get to know someone slowly through work or friends and let the feelings develop. OLD may be great for someone that processes attraction differently.
Philosopher Posted April 21, 2013 Posted April 21, 2013 Long dates are best left to the third or fourth date when you know each other at least somewhat well. Hopefully this guy has learnt his lesson and future will only set up short coffee dates for the first OLD date.
RedRobin Posted April 21, 2013 Posted April 21, 2013 (edited) I think the reason why OLD doesn't work well for me is because I need time to develop an attraction to someone. In OLD, you are essentially dating from the first or second time you meet, and I struggle to feel anything. It all feels awkward and rushed. It's different when you get to know someone slowly through work or friends and let the feelings develop. OLD may be great for someone that processes attraction differently. I'm the same way. It forces people to make an immediate conclusion about someone that probably results in a lot of decent matches getting shoved out the door. I still think meeting for an activity is much better than a coffee anything. You both could have relaxed and enjoyed the activity if the conversation wasn't going well, and been distracted by other things. I also find it much tougher for them to go for anything too personal that way. Are you still on there for friends/activity partners? Have you changed what you are looking for there? If you are there for more, I'd keep that in your profile as well, but make it clear when you are communicating that you need to take things slow. I ask because I've met some very nice people doing the friends/activity partners thing there. Yes, I've had a couple of guys who tried to push for more, but now that I'm dating someone, it's not that way anymore. But, have to say... the person I'm dating I met through my social circle.... one of my best friends has known him for years. I've met his ex-wife through my community activities, and even know the guy his ex-wife is dating. So, there ya go. Nowhere to hide in this town! Anyway, for people like us, it is important that we manage expectations for ourselves and the people we meet (in our case, men) who want to rush things along. OLD makes people feel all frantic and rushed. I agree. Regarding the 6 hour get together... I wouldn't have had any problems asking him to cancel one of them and offering to pay half for the one he cancelled if the miscommunication came from me. Well, I offer to pay half for everything anyway, but that is just me. Edited April 21, 2013 by RedRobin
soccerrprp Posted April 21, 2013 Posted April 21, 2013 I'm the same way. It forces people to make an immediate conclusion about someone that probably results in a lot of decent matches getting shoved out the door. Anyway, for people like us, it is important that we manage expectations for ourselves and the people we meet (in our case, men) who want to rush things along. OLD makes people feel all frantic and rushed. I agree. Unfortunately OLD does come with its risks and assumptions are made before many are given a chance. As for the frantic nature of it. Considering OLD is all that I have time for and have had some success with, I don't see it as frantic at all. Like in any kind of dating, you, as you suggest, manage your expectations AND make them clear when you meet or even before you meet. If it's frantic, it's because someone or either did not make your intentions clear. If you're multidating, for example, and you feel rushed to make a decision or anxious, then stop multidating. If you are feeling rushed, frankly, it because YOU are rushing things. It's not because it's OLD. Even dating using face to face, people feel anxiousness, insecurity, etc. Moving too fast, slow it down...
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted April 21, 2013 Author Posted April 21, 2013 (edited) Well, another part of it is that I am quite picky, in looks and especially in personality and intelligence. I have never been able to feel the connection to every second person, which seems to be the case with lots of people. I don't just want a mediocre relationship, I want to fall madly in love and for next relationship I enter to be IT. I reach for the stars in everything I do. I do know that my expectations are high but I have lowered them before, entered a long relationship and felt miserable. I am quite happy being single, I could pretty much be content like this forever... Edited April 21, 2013 by Eternal Sunshine
soccerrprp Posted April 21, 2013 Posted April 21, 2013 Well, another part of it is that I am quite picky, in looks and especially in personality and intelligence. I have never been able to feel the connection to every second person, which seems to be the case with lots of people. I don't just want a mediocre relationship, I want to fall madly in love and for next relationship I enter to be IT. I reach for the stars in everything I do. I do know that my expectations are high but I have lowered them before, entered a long relationship and felt miserable. I am quite happy being single, I could pretty much be content like this forever... But this is has nothing to do with OLD. Your standards, expectations, being so high, is a very ingrained issue that you will need to deal with, if inclined. Not trying to offend, but your avatars are of you, yes? you are a very attractive woman. Do you feel that your high expectations are due primarily to the fact that you are quite aware that your looks are an advantage to you and of course, your level of education? Are you suggesting that by using OLD that you find yourself engulfed by feelings of GIGS? If so, OLD makes it easier to fall into this, but it's not inherently nor exclusively an OLD after-effect. If you are satisfied by being single, great! But from what i've been following of your posts over the months, I suspect strongly that you'd rather not.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted April 21, 2013 Author Posted April 21, 2013 But this is has nothing to do with OLD. Your standards, expectations, being so high, is a very ingrained issue that you will need to deal with, if inclined. Not trying to offend, but your avatars are of you, yes? you are a very attractive woman. Do you feel that your high expectations are due primarily to the fact that you are quite aware that your looks are an advantage to you and of course, your level of education? Are you suggesting that by using OLD that you find yourself engulfed by feelings of GIGS? If so, OLD makes it easier to fall into this, but it's not inherently nor exclusively an OLD after-effect. If you are satisfied by being single, great! But from what i've been following of your posts over the months, I suspect strongly that you'd rather not. Yes, it's true this "high standards" issue is not much to do with OLD but dating in general. Avatars are my pics but I certainly don't see myself as that attractive. It's not a logical process; there are certain people that I feel attraction and connection to. They are incredibly rare. I know they are rare for lots of people, but it's even more so for me. I may meet a guy like that once every few years. (regardless of OLD/real life). I think it mostly down to my personality. I am quite unconventional, quirky, don't really fit any molds. So if you think that everyone has a number of good matches available to them, the more you stand out for the norm, the fewer matches you will have. Also, of course I would rather be in love than single. But I would much rather be single than be in a relationship that's just OK. Everywhere I turn, people are in relationships like that, because they are terrified of being alone or running out of time or something. I am not. That's all I am saying. 4
RedRobin Posted April 21, 2013 Posted April 21, 2013 I know you are really smart ES, so lets break this down... Do you know exactly all the ingredients it takes for you to fall in love? You mentioned, looks, personality, and intelligence.... What aspects of personality draw you to someone? Which activities gives a guy a reasonable opportunity to have this shine for you? I'm not sure what you have your PhD in, but have you thought about doing a little 'design of experiments' on your dating selections? There is another website I reference sometimes that talks about the top 10 emotional needs... Research has shown that when the top 5 are met for a particular individual, is what makes someone fall in love. Google it sometime. Has helped me a lot. here's the list (in no particular order) - affection - sexual fulfillment - conversation - recreational companionship - honesty and openness - physical attractiveness - financial support - domestic support - family commitment - admiration Once you know what your top five are, maybe you can be more focused in your search and help create situations where a guy who meets your criteria has a chance to shine... instead of leaving it up to chance. Hope this helps!
pyramid Posted April 21, 2013 Posted April 21, 2013 I'm sorry your date didn't go well I think the reason why OLD doesn't work well for me is because I need time to develop an attraction to someone. In OLD, you are essentially dating from the first or second time you meet, and I struggle to feel anything. It all feels awkward and rushed. It's different when you get to know someone slowly through work or friends and let the feelings develop. OLD may be great for someone that processes attraction differently. This has given me a ton to think about. I have been doing OLD for a year (after about 5 years of being single and very rarely dipping my toe into casual OLD). I recently met a guy in person - at speed dating - and he felt completely overwhelmed and rushed by me once we started seeing each other and he disappeared after a month of hot & cold. Now, it could have definitely just been him, but I realized that I totally jump into insta-relationship mode when I meet someone new... and I get attached to guys that aren't right for me, and I gt hurt. I am taking a little OLD break (my google-stalking found 4 felonies on the latest guy I was talking to, so I took that as a sign) to get back on track with having my own life. I was starting to rely on the attention of these guys and I don't like being that girl. Sorry for the thread-jack but thank you for the insightful comment!!
SunsetRed Posted April 21, 2013 Posted April 21, 2013 I think the reason why OLD doesn't work well for me is because I need time to develop an attraction to someone. In OLD, you are essentially dating from the first or second time you meet, and I struggle to feel anything. It all feels awkward and rushed. It's different when you get to know someone slowly through work or friends and let the feelings develop. OLD may be great for someone that processes attraction differently. EternalSunshine, I always end up quoting your comments..because they are on target w what Im thinking and feeling. Im done w OLD too, for the same reason. Whenever I meet a man on OLD, his thought processes are "We met on a dating site, so lets date." I cant just meet someone and date. I used OLD as a way to meet men, not date them. If the chemistry worked out I'd date them, but most of the time they acted like your guy did and I had to split. You handled your 6 hour date perfectly. You were open minded enough to give it a try and graciously bailed when it wasn't working. You even paid for your half of a date that you weren't going to attend. A guy who plans a 6 hour date w someone he's never met is too needy. If I ever did OLD again, I'd do the meet for a drink at a table next to the nearest door thing. The last OLD I went out w planned a 6 hour date as well. I forced myself to go thru w it, but he did become a latch on clinger and was already talking living together/marriage by our 3rd date. Turned out, he needed a 2nd income to pay his mortgage. Im like you, I'd much rather meet someone in real life, where you can pick up on body language and vibes from each other. Im looking for something real, not forced and until I get it, Im staying single. 1
BluEyeL Posted April 21, 2013 Posted April 21, 2013 (edited) OLD is forced indeed. But what can you do? It's a numbers game. I actually met at least two guys that I was very attracted to immediately and with one I felt the connection too. But it hurt when he didn't feel the same, although he wouldn't have minded the physical part at all. So I guess if I got to feel this, it could work. Edited April 21, 2013 by BluEyeL
Drseussgrrl Posted April 21, 2013 Posted April 21, 2013 I'm with you, ES. I loathe online dating. Every guy I've met so far either just wants a casual thing, or they come out the gate like a bull with an onslaught of texting, neediness, desperation and are just plain socially awkward. Cannot deal.
FitChick Posted April 21, 2013 Posted April 21, 2013 I like online dating because it suits my dating style. I like to get to know someone slowly and find out who they are and what they want first so as not to waste time or money. Do our personalities complement or conflict? Because I am looking for marriage, I look for qualities that would be conducive to marriage. I've had first dates that lasted for hours or days because we had the foundation of friendship. The difficult part is deciding which qualities I can compromise on because I won't find the perfect match. I'm having that dilemma now with two guys. I could create the Ideal Husband if I could take parts of each them and put them together into one new person! Dr. FitChickstein... Everybody has to find what works for them. There is no right or wrong way. 1
debber01 Posted April 21, 2013 Posted April 21, 2013 I'm with you, ES. I loathe online dating. Every guy I've met so far either just wants a casual thing, or they come out the gate like a bull with an onslaught of texting, neediness, desperation and are just plain socially awkward. Cannot deal. ^^^ That. Or married! Sexless marriage so is looking for a little on the side.
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