morganfreya Posted April 15, 2013 Posted April 15, 2013 Hi! I'm brand new here. I just want an outside opinion of my situation. A little over a year ago, I started dating this guy. He lives a thousand miles away from me and we only see each other about once every two months. He's absolutely the love of my life. I knew when we started dating that he had a female roommate, but he told me they were best friends and it wasn't anything to worry about. A month or so into our relationship, he told me that he and his roommate use to hook up. I don't think he realized that it was painful for me to hear this. Because a few months later while we were on a big date, he continued to tell me about how they shared a bed and would shower together and stuff. I lived with them for a month in November. And things were fine. Except one time we were out in public and this woman asked me how long I'd been friends with "the couple." She thought they were together. I definitely felt like the third wheel in my own relationship. Once we got home, I was crying and we were arguing about it. He said "If I wanted her, don't you think I would just have her?" Recently I went to visit him and she was there for a couple of days. I didn't think there was any problem. But then last week he was telling me that he feels like he has to walk on eggshells around me and how he felt like he couldn't even talk to her without me getting upset. He said that she won't even go into his room anymore because I "freaked her out so bad." He also revealed that they were hooking up while he and I were talking. We hadn't met in person yet. He said "You lived so far away... I wasn't making plans around you back then." Here's another kicker. She identifies as a lesbian. I don't know how to feel about that, given that she's slept with my boyfriend. They really are best friends. And I know he would never do anything to hurt me. But I can't stop thinking about them being together. I really really love my boyfriend. And I actually really like his roommate too. She's very nice. Every time I try to bring it up with him, he gets defensive. And I'm just so insecure about it. This is driving me nuts. Am I just being a baby?
CarrieT Posted April 15, 2013 Posted April 15, 2013 Oy vey. Break up with him and date someone that is not LDR. Too much drama and too much history there and you will never feel secure in the relationship. 3
GuyInLimbo Posted April 15, 2013 Posted April 15, 2013 Open. Your. Eyes. You are being played like a symphony, sweetheart. Dump him and focus on someone local. You are wasting your life and time with this relationship.
Author morganfreya Posted April 15, 2013 Author Posted April 15, 2013 I'm not being played. I know that they haven't done anything since we started dating. Distance has never been a huge factor in our relationship. We've been making it work for over a year and have plans for me to move in with him next month. We're very serious. We want to get married and have a family together. I'm just feeling very insecure and he doesn't understand why. And I guess I don't completely understand why either. Just because he lives a thousand miles away doesn't mean he's unfaithful. I trust him. And I am not a fool for that. I know him. I don't trust her. Bottom line, it's an extremely uncomfortable situation and I'm not sure how to cope right now. I mean... he wants her to be one of my bridesmaids at our wedding. It's not fair for me to be upset over something that happened before we were even together. But I am. In three weeks, he will be done with school and she will move out. So I've just got to grin and bear it till then, I guess.
mammasita Posted April 15, 2013 Posted April 15, 2013 Um, I would never date a man who was "roommates" with a woman he has slept with. Sounds like trouble. 1
Author morganfreya Posted April 15, 2013 Author Posted April 15, 2013 I would normally agree. But... a) I didn't know they'd hooked up until after I was dating him. I was already emotionally invested. And even though I knew they had fooled around a bit, I didn't realize they used to regularly hook up until just recently. b) What am I supposed to do? Tell him to move out? They were living together with a couple other people for over two years. The other two people moved out a few months ago. So it's just the two of them now. But that's not his fault.
HeavenOrHell Posted April 15, 2013 Posted April 15, 2013 He needs to have boundaries! He's overstepping the mark by a long way. Nothing wrong with being friends with ex's as long as there are boundaries when you split up. My partner was still close emotionally with his ex when they split up, they still slept in the same bed (not for sex, just to sleep, I knew he wouldn't cheat) every weekend as she'd stay with him each weekend. I told him I wasn't happy and explained why and he apologised for being inconsiderate, they were being naive rather than not caring (well he was anyway, not sure she cared how I felt), also said could he ask her to tone visits down to once a month rather than every weekend, which he did. having a shower together, being naked together would have upset me hugely, it would anyone, he didn't go that far with her though. I felt like they were doing all the coupley things (except have sex and share a shower) and even sleeping in the same bed, made me feel even more lonely/miss him more than I did. At one point he said she might not have anywhere to live and might move back and I said that wouldn't work for me. Luckily she moved away, they just talk online and phone now. He needs to take you seriously, if he doesn't, ie if he chooses to continue the way things are then he's chosen her over you. 1
Author morganfreya Posted April 16, 2013 Author Posted April 16, 2013 He needs to have boundaries! He's overstepping the mark by a long way. Nothing wrong with being friends with ex's as long as there are boundaries when you split up. My partner was still close emotionally with his ex when they split up, they still slept in the same bed (not for sex, just to sleep, I knew he wouldn't cheat) every weekend as she'd stay with him each weekend. I told him I wasn't happy and explained why and he apologised for being inconsiderate, they were being naive rather than not caring (well he was anyway, not sure she cared how I felt), also said could he ask her to tone visits down to once a month rather than every weekend, which he did. having a shower together, being naked together would have upset me hugely, it would anyone, he didn't go that far with her though. I felt like they were doing all the coupley things (except have sex and share a shower) and even sleeping in the same bed, made me feel even more lonely/miss him more than I did. At one point he said she might not have anywhere to live and might move back and I said that wouldn't work for me. Luckily she moved away, they just talk online and phone now. He needs to take you seriously, if he doesn't, ie if he chooses to continue the way things are then he's chosen her over you. They didn't shower together after we started dating. He told me about the bed sharing and showering that happened previously- before we were officially a couple. Thank you for your reasonable advice. Thank you for not telling me to just dump him.
HeavenOrHell Posted April 16, 2013 Posted April 16, 2013 I don't think you've anything to worry about if they're not sharing a bed or showering, they just sound like friends to me, sorry I'm so tired lately I didn't read how they were doing that (sharing a bed etc) but aren't now. If you know you can trust him, then stick it out for these 3 weeks, you'll feel better once she has moved out. Other people can tell you to not trust him but all that matters is that you do, a few people in this forum thought I was a fool for trusting my partner when he still shared a bed with his ex even though he was was with me, but no-one here has met him or knows him, so the issue for me wasn't that he'd have sex with her or cheat in some way, more that that they were still emotionally close and I wasn't comfortable with that. He didn't cheat and we're still together 3 years later. I can understand you feel insecure, purely because she is female and they have some history, if they were going to continue to live together then he would need to listen to you when you say you're not happy, but as she is moving out soon I would leave it now. He probably thinks what's the problem as he knows there's nothing going on with her and that she won't be there much longer. But does it niggle you if you feel he's not taking you seriously? I think if she was going to continue to stay there, and you said you weren't happy with it, but he put her first and let her stay then there is a problem. Do you feel he is putting her first? What did they do that time you got upset and crying about it? Was she concerned about you? How did he react? They didn't shower together after we started dating. He told me about the bed sharing and showering that happened previously- before we were officially a couple. Thank you for your reasonable advice. Thank you for not telling me to just dump him.
HeavenOrHell Posted April 16, 2013 Posted April 16, 2013 This is why I thought they were still sharing a bed and shower >Because a few months later while we were on a big date, he continued to tell me about how they shared a bed and would shower together and stuff. < But did he stop doing that once you became a couple?
HeavenOrHell Posted April 16, 2013 Posted April 16, 2013 I can understand the bit about not trusting her, not sure if I trusted my partner's ex or not, I knew she wouldn't have sex with him, but there was some emotional manipulation there, for example when I asked him to tell her to sleep on the couch in future she got tearful and said was he fed up with her? Made me look the bad guy, because she has nightmares and wanted him there to hold her hand in bed if she had one, I said but if she sleeps on the couch she can come and get you for a hug if she has a nightmare, she was 30 and it's quite child like to want your ex to share the bed in case you have nightmares. Actually I was a bit mean and said to him it's childish, and we had a heated discussion about it, he admitted he was putting her first at times as I was more emotionally strong than her at the time. I have nightmares too, but I don't have him here to hold my hand. But I feel mean for even thinking that. When he first told her we were getting together she cried about that too. She was the one to leave him though and had also left him 2 years before as well and come back, I got the feeling she wished I wasn't on the scene just in case she wanted him back some day, I hoped she'd meet someone else but she hasn't, but she's asexual (pretty much) so she might be single long term, even 3 years on I'd feel a bit happier if she met someone else, because she was the love of his life, like my ex was mine (for many years anyway). I'm not being played. I know that they haven't done anything since we started dating. Distance has never been a huge factor in our relationship. We've been making it work for over a year and have plans for me to move in with him next month. We're very serious. We want to get married and have a family together. I'm just feeling very insecure and he doesn't understand why. And I guess I don't completely understand why either. Just because he lives a thousand miles away doesn't mean he's unfaithful. I trust him. And I am not a fool for that. I know him. I don't trust her. Bottom line, it's an extremely uncomfortable situation and I'm not sure how to cope right now. I mean... he wants her to be one of my bridesmaids at our wedding. It's not fair for me to be upset over something that happened before we were even together. But I am. In three weeks, he will be done with school and she will move out. So I've just got to grin and bear it till then, I guess.
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