Jingle14 Posted April 15, 2013 Posted April 15, 2013 Before anyone shoots me down and tells me I should be over it, shouldn't care etc - and I know all that but I do still care - I am finding it difficult to face his birthday tomorrow, especially when on his last (and only) birthday together, I gave him what he said was the best gift he'd ever had and nicest thing anyone had ever done for him. We've been split up 22 months (and I know this is too long to not be 'over it' but this was the most important relationship I'd ever had, even more so than the one I had with my ex husband) and were initially in LC, even having a week 3 months after the split where there was a possibility we'd get back together but instead he started seeing someone else (I've no idea if they are still together, if he's with someone else or no-one at all and I don't want to know). He has not instigated any contact since September 2011. I've sent him a text or email roughly on a 3 monthly basis (sometimes he replied, sometimes not but the replies were generally functional although the last one was warm and friendly) and we also had an hour long hug last year. I last contacted him last Halloween (a special anniversary) but got no reply. Since then, I have been in NC and don't plan on breaking it. I know him very well - could always read him like a book - and I'm sure he'd have been expecting a text or email from me over Christmas or New Year, and now it's his birthday and there won't be anything from me. My question is, is it possible that my not contacting him when he probably expected me to has made him wonder if I'm no longer interested (and don't people often want what they can't have?)? Of course, he may be completely and utterly blissful with someone else and I'm a distant memory whom he is relieved to no longer hear from. But we did have a very intense, passionate and close relationship (he'd been with the same person for 20 years and I'd been married for 22 years but had never felt for them the way we did for each other and he'd fantasised about me for 2 and a half years before we got together, although I had no idea about that at the time). Can you really forget such a connection? So yes, I do know I should have 'moved on' etc, and I'm not sitting alone pining, I have a full and busy life. But I do still miss him - I'm not a robot - he was the 'one', so I'd really appreciate not being given a hard time. I'm not looking for any false hope - I don't believe there is any hope at all, genuinely - I'd just like to know if people think there is any truth that the ex will sometimes make contact themselves, out of curiosity and/or to boost their ego, when they think we've moved on and are no longer interested in them or care (as I've often read on threads on here)? Thanks
WhatYouWantToHear Posted April 15, 2013 Posted April 15, 2013 Half your post is preemptively telling us that you know what the right thing is, and asking us not to tell you to do the right thing. The other half is you laying out justifications for doing the wrong thing, even though you know its wrong. You are looking for people to tell you the wrong thing is ok and for us to shut up about doing the right thing. We aren't going to help you delude yourself by playing this weird game you've created.
Author Jingle14 Posted April 15, 2013 Author Posted April 15, 2013 Half your post is preemptively telling us that you know what the right thing is, and asking us not to tell you to do the right thing. The other half is you laying out justifications for doing the wrong thing, even though you know its wrong. You are looking for people to tell you the wrong thing is ok and for us to shut up about doing the right thing. We aren't going to help you delude yourself by playing this weird game you've created. I'm not playing any game, weird or otherwise, nor am I asking whether I should contact him because I have no intentions of doing so. My question was are they likely to think of us when we disappear. This isn't dilusional, it's a valid question. I don't know which part of my post gave the impression I was asking for people to tell me the wrong thing or whatever, or which gave the impression of playing games. This is not what my post was about and I obviously haven't explained myself clearly enough if that is what you read into it.
geegirl Posted April 15, 2013 Posted April 15, 2013 I don't believe the connection is forgotten but more so that after this much time has passed, one can become indifferent to it, especially if he's the one that made the move to detach from the relationship for whatever reason. It's funny how we project how intense and passionate a relationship was, believing the other had to feel the same way too. The thing is, he didn't even care to reply to you the last time you reached out to him. It's pretty obvious that the sentiment doesn't register quite the same for him after the ending. Dumpers will and most times make contact but not necessarily for all the right reasons. And when they don't, it's most likely they have moved on and are emotionally and mentally invested elsewhere. Or they could possibly be doing the right thing by recognizing that they have nothing to offer you and that no contact would be in your best interest. 1
winstonsdreams Posted April 15, 2013 Posted April 15, 2013 Sorry you are still struggling Jingle14, i know it's hard we all do. You are doing the right thing maintaining NC. Trust me as a dumper i can tell you NC has an affect on us too. I haven't heard from my ex in months, but i respect her enough to do the same for her, so she can get on with her life and be happy. Maybe that is what your ex is doing with you, of course he would notice you haven't spoken in ages, and it probably hurts a little but then he realises it is probably for the best so you can move on and be happy again. It appears he has been able to move on and find someone else so he would be hoping you could do the same, and the only way to do that is maintaining NC. It's not about this ego thing or curiosity blah blah blah, it's about people just getting on with their lives, which he has done. When i initially got in contact with my ex, i was actually missing her and checking to see if she was ok, it was genuine. When she laughed at how i missed her and said she had a new bf, i respected that she was not as great a person as i thought she was and it was time to move on. Which is ongoing, but we will get there. Keep moving forward, maintain NC! x 2
singme2sleep Posted April 16, 2013 Posted April 16, 2013 Sorry you are still struggling Jingle14, i know it's hard we all do. You are doing the right thing maintaining NC. Trust me as a dumper i can tell you NC has an affect on us too. I haven't heard from my ex in months, but i respect her enough to do the same for her, so she can get on with her life and be happy. Maybe that is what your ex is doing with you, of course he would notice you haven't spoken in ages, and it probably hurts a little but then he realises it is probably for the best so you can move on and be happy again. It appears he has been able to move on and find someone else so he would be hoping you could do the same, and the only way to do that is maintaining NC. It's not about this ego thing or curiosity blah blah blah, it's about people just getting on with their lives, which he has done. When i initially got in contact with my ex, i was actually missing her and checking to see if she was ok, it was genuine. When she laughed at how i missed her and said she had a new bf, i respected that she was not as great a person as i thought she was and it was time to move on. Which is ongoing, but we will get there. Keep moving forward, maintain NC! x Can I ask, why did you break up with her?
winstonsdreams Posted April 16, 2013 Posted April 16, 2013 singme2sleep check the thread i started 'Dumpers Regret 11 months on My Progress' you replied to that one, it's all in there
lilacwine Posted April 18, 2013 Posted April 18, 2013 Before anyone shoots me down and tells me I should be over it, shouldn't care etc - and I know all that but I do still care - I am finding it difficult to face his birthday tomorrow, especially when on his last (and only) birthday together, I gave him what he said was the best gift he'd ever had and nicest thing anyone had ever done for him. We've been split up 22 months (and I know this is too long to not be 'over it' but this was the most important relationship I'd ever had, even more so than the one I had with my ex husband) and were initially in LC, even having a week 3 months after the split where there was a possibility we'd get back together but instead he started seeing someone else (I've no idea if they are still together, if he's with someone else or no-one at all and I don't want to know). He has not instigated any contact since September 2011. I've sent him a text or email roughly on a 3 monthly basis (sometimes he replied, sometimes not but the replies were generally functional although the last one was warm and friendly) and we also had an hour long hug last year. I last contacted him last Halloween (a special anniversary) but got no reply. Since then, I have been in NC and don't plan on breaking it. I know him very well - could always read him like a book - and I'm sure he'd have been expecting a text or email from me over Christmas or New Year, and now it's his birthday and there won't be anything from me. My question is, is it possible that my not contacting him when he probably expected me to has made him wonder if I'm no longer interested (and don't people often want what they can't have?)? Of course, he may be completely and utterly blissful with someone else and I'm a distant memory whom he is relieved to no longer hear from. But we did have a very intense, passionate and close relationship (he'd been with the same person for 20 years and I'd been married for 22 years but had never felt for them the way we did for each other and he'd fantasised about me for 2 and a half years before we got together, although I had no idea about that at the time). Can you really forget such a connection? So yes, I do know I should have 'moved on' etc, and I'm not sitting alone pining, I have a full and busy life. But I do still miss him - I'm not a robot - he was the 'one', so I'd really appreciate not being given a hard time. I'm not looking for any false hope - I don't believe there is any hope at all, genuinely - I'd just like to know if people think there is any truth that the ex will sometimes make contact themselves, out of curiosity and/or to boost their ego, when they think we've moved on and are no longer interested in them or care (as I've often read on threads on here)? Thanks So did you contact him on his birthday?
Author Jingle14 Posted April 18, 2013 Author Posted April 18, 2013 So did you contact him on his birthday? No, I didn't. I wasn't even tempted but he knows that there is no way I'd not have remembered the day as he knows I have a good memory for dates. What I did do was set fire to 'his' towel which has been in my dog's basket for months - it reminded me every time I saw it of him getting out of the shower and that's something I don't need so I burnt it in the garden. Seemed kind of symbolic to do that on his birthday and I felt better for it. I would still like to know though - not that I ever will - if he thought about me on the day and whether he felt anything at all about not hearing from me, if he thinks I have 'moved on' or whatever. Like I said, I know I shouldn't care but I still do.
thefooloftheyear Posted April 18, 2013 Posted April 18, 2013 Y'know.... Sometimes I think its just best to "go with your gut".... No matter what a bunch of nameless/faceless people say on an internet forum will make you feel better. Take some advice, but if really doesnt work for YOU-then do what you have to. I wish you all the best.. TFOY 1
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