Tinyrain Posted April 15, 2013 Posted April 15, 2013 It's been 7 months and I'm still not over him. I did everything right: cut of all contact immediately after (Iran into him two months ago but I handled it well except for a subsequent email he ignored), started hanging out with friends/family more, started volunteering/working out more, focusing on my next career move. But I'm still idealizing him out of nostalgia. He was perfect in every way. Textbook perfect. Smart,successful, charismatic, family-oriented, the same religion/culture as me, grounded for the most part and most importantly loved/supported me in an unimaginable way. He didn't even give me a reason except that he was changing and didn’t love me the same way after he moved away for business school. I will NEVER measure up to the diverse, smart girls I'm sure he's already met at business school. I'm smart but not smart enough to get into an ivy league school. There is no way he is going to go there and think what he had was better. I saw pictures of him online recently and he looks so blissful and happy like I never even mattered. I'm totally and completely irrelevant to him, which is evidenced by the fact that we haven't spoken since we broke up. I feel so helpless. What do I need to do? Run marathons? Start my own company?Volunteer in Africa? What is it going to take and how will I find that kind of guy again? Moreover, do I need to revise down my expectations and just expect less because I don't deserve all those things? I consider myself an incredibly sweet, down to earth, self-aware person but maybe I've been fooling myself and it's not enough for the kind of guy I want. I wish I was good enough for him. I miss him like crazy and still cry like a fool but I can't say a word because I'll look like an idiot. And it makes me so jealous that so many of my friends have the guy they want. What am I doing wrong?? The only things that make me feel better are the times when he would make condescending comments about how much money he made vs how much I made. He was also a bit judgmental about things I would do or my sister would do. It made me upset but it was only when he drank too much and everyone says things they don’t mean. I also didn't like how out of control his drinking would get. But I feel like I'm just trying to find flaws in him so I feel better about losing him when in reality he was perfect.
BUBS Posted April 15, 2013 Posted April 15, 2013 He wasn't perfect, because he's diminished your self esteem in feeling not good enough. If he was the full package then he did the right thing by acknowledging that his feeling changed, but he would have made a conscious effort to work with you to see if the relationship could be improved... more importantly if he was "perfect" whether or not it was right by you to avoid you, he would have valued your time together and had enough empathy to be more courteous to you during the break up, maybe asked if you were ok, contacted you to see how you've been. Others on this site will yell at me, saying that it is for the best and those are just "breadcrumbs" and while it wouldnt have been best for your emotional state or false hope, if he was perfect he would have done it anyway... as a matter of fact if he was perfect he would have had the integrity to work harder at maintaining the relationships he chose to get involved in. I understand how you feel, I am 6 months today out of my break up and by NO means am I healed from it or even really over it. It stings continuously, there is still plenty of desperation, self loathing and missing going on. It is a good thing that you continue to better yourself, and you are using his life as as your motivation, hopefully one day when you realize that you have found someone that compliments you and makes you feel wonderful about yourself, you will contribute gratitude to the break up for making you the best you can be... however it is obvious that what you are doing is stemming from insecurity and fear. Believe me over the past 6 months I have shape shifted into a billion different people trying to mold myself into what I hope would attract him or someone exactly like him back. I have worried continuously that I will never have anyone even remotely close to him again, and more importantly that the reason for this is because I am not good enough and just got "lucky" with him until he woke up and realized he could get better. At the end of the day, if you are doing everything by the books you should be proud of yourself. While you were staying healthy, fit and productive, I was over eating, drinking, and chain smoking. You are coping in the best way possible, and in time you will get better. You may hold him on a pedestal for a long time because you obviously have a false perception of him, and have rationalized his flaws and glorified his positive attributes, but I assure you, you sound like a wonderful and very desirable woman. Just because you didn't go to an ivy league school does not mean you are undeserving of an attractive, funny, intelligent and stable man, that is just absurd. Overachieving is a wonderful thing, but that is obviously a quality you already possess... ambition, drive, and a desire to always be the best version of yourself... but you cannot let it consume you to the point where you do not value all you have accomplished thus far. You are going to burn yourself out. You are doing everything you need to do, except loving yourself. I wish I could take my own advice here, but I assure you, everything is ok. The amount of money you make or your job title should be irrelevant to your loved one or significant other, and it does not by any means define you.
Author Tinyrain Posted April 16, 2013 Author Posted April 16, 2013 Hey Bubs...thank you so much for replying. It made me feel better. I went from not being angry at him at all in the beginning to now being annoyed at how he handled the whole situation. He didn't stop and appreciate our relationship for second. He just walked away without even trying. We didn't even have any problems! I was never high maintenance, we always listened to each other/supported each other, made time for each other etc. He gave me a picture frame of two of us to put in my room before he moved so I wouldn't miss him while he was away at school. He gave me NO SIGNS of not wanting to continue dating me and then tells me he just doesn't love me anymore. How weak was his love that a little bit of distance changes how he feels about me? I know this is all on him but I can't help but feel that if I was a little bit more special, a little bit more beautiful, a little bit more funny, a little more of SOMETHING...it wouldn't have been so easy for him to walk away. Why wasn't I special enough? I never had to worry about being someone else while we dated, it was enough for him. And I felt like for the first time in my life, I didn't have to go crazy being someone else. And it makes me crazy to know that one day he will find someone amazing that he WILL go the distance with. Why couldn't that be me? What the hell does he want? Its not fair that he doesn't even know how badly I'm hurting. And he doesn't have to hurt at all. The only thing I'm proud of is that I never contacted him again. But it makes me sad that he also never checked in with me. Everyone tells me its better that way but it doesn't make me feel better to know he doesn't give two s**** about me. Its perfectly fine to focus on school and not want to worry about a long distance relationship but he knew he was going to school WHEN WE STARTED DATING. He couldn't have maybe figured out that he wanted to focus only on himself before he told me loved me and BEFORE I maybe gave up my virginity for him? Or maybe before he met my parents and made such a good impression on them? Or before I met all of his wonderful friends and had so many great times with them? I read your story as well and just want to say that I'm so sorry that you're going through that. I can relate COMPLETELY. The crying, the emotions, the good days, the bad days, the obsession, the what the ef is wrong with me. I get it. Completely. I also read the quote you put in your One step forward, 15 back about making it through heartbreak. I've read that somewhere else online and LOVED it. Made me feel like I'm going to be okay. I don't want to just be okay. I want to be stronger, healthier, in love again one day soon. Hopefully you feel the same
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