MoreThanThat Posted April 17, 2013 Posted April 17, 2013 I don't get it either. It's not to say every relationship I've been in has been great, but if there are issues that can't be fixed, it's over. I also don't argue in relationships - or try not to. In 15 years with the man I married, we had one argument and that was in the first month! 1
youngnlove89 Posted April 17, 2013 Posted April 17, 2013 Okay, so now for my response to your question: Why do people stay in lousy relationships? I have been in a lousy relationship off and on for 2 years! TWO YEARS! I can't even began to fathom why I have stayed for so long. I can't answer that. This guy didn't do crap for me. No birthday gifts, no holiday gifts, no flowers, hardly took me out to dinner and never took me on trips (always went with his friends instead), it was a boring tedious relationship (for the most part) and the only good thing we had going was the sex and company. And all he had to do to keep me staying was say "I love you" back. Maybe it all comes down to love or comfort or just the fact that it is familiar and change isn't. My heart is still at war with missing him and loving him. "The devil you know versus the devil you don't. There's something comforting in staying with your partner - bad relationship and all - because at least you know what's next." It's addicting. He is there when I want him. We have sex, and sex is a good thing to have in life. Someone to just hang out with. And leaving the relationship on the other hand is painful. You are alone now. No one to kiss or have sex with. No one to go out with and flirt with. No one to just kick back and watch a movie with while holding their hand. You lose that comfort. And being alone is scary, for me at least. I think we get so used to having someone around, someone who calls us everyday, someone to have dinner with, someone to talk to after a long day, someone to reach the dish on the top shelf, someone to help change my oil in my car, someone to go grocery shopping with, someone to laugh with, go to the movies, sleep in with on a Sunday morning, someone to rub your back, reach that spot that you can't quite itch, someone to help you do the dishes with...just someone to be with. Dependency. What will we do when they're gone? We are scared of that black hole that we will fall in. And people aren't just replaceable. It takes time to reach that level of comfort with someone. It's work. And why give up on something that you worked hard for. That's why a lot of people feel like they wasted their life or time with someone after a relationship ends, because what was it worth? Staying is easy. Leaving changes everything. 2
youngnlove89 Posted April 17, 2013 Posted April 17, 2013 i'm sure there are women who are in between overly clingy emotional wrecks and cold hearted man eaters. I need that kind. me! Me! Me! 1
AKisBaked Posted April 17, 2013 Posted April 17, 2013 ^ I gotta agree with younglove89 right here.. People who have a "heart" don't want to start over. (Personally I think people who get over someone within a week or 2 after a lengthy relationship have no heart in caring for someone) We don't like the fact that once things are over with you and that someone you devoted years, time and effort to. You have to find yourself again and start from nothing. We are all kept in a specific state of mind when we are in a relationship and that's when we can say we are "Comfortable." We see this as a routine, being with someone and knowing that you have their support and care. But when the bubble bursts, your left with all these shattered hopes and false answers/questions where it makes you confused with all that is going on.. I may be repeating what the person above have said but it's all due to Dependency. We rely on someone so much that we don't see that person ever leaving or things changing. But when things do change, we get defensive and critical with the sort of change. We try to change ourselves as quickly as we can to benefit the other person from taking matters further. We want to STOP them in going through with the change. So in a way people tend to stay in lousy and bad relationships is because they are blinded, depend too much on the other person and simply cannot face rejection. I'm not saying everyone shouldn't compromise or try to work things out when a relationship gets tough. Of course you should, you should try to make the relationship the best you can as possible. But if one person is starting to turn on you and using the other for their own benefit. That's when you shouldn't even have to think twice to leave a relationship. 3
candie13 Posted April 17, 2013 Posted April 17, 2013 don't feel like going through all 6 pages, so there it goes: there are no "lousy relationships" because there are no "perfect relationships" either. You're happy with some people at times, and if they have that power, chances are they'll make you miserable as well. The thing with people is that they complain more than they are grateful - to their friends, I mean. How many of they say: "boy, that gf of mine is busting my balls so hard every time I'm late for dinner with her", but they hardly ever follow with "because she put a lot of effort into making a three course dinner, having the house clean and being all sexy and dolled up, upon my arrival". They will complain about the arguments, but omit saying they cummed three times last night. And if it is, indeed lousy, then two things usually keep people together: sound sex life and routine. The moment any of these stops working - aka the partner really gets bored (or aware) in that relationship, then it ends. End of the story. Moral of my post: don't judge from the outside. You don't know what's cooking inside the house. People won't stay unless they'd be happy (to some extent) with their end of the deal. You may judge that their end of the deal ain't that much, but it's their choice, their happiness, their life. A guy who looks like nothing, that you wouldn't give the time of day, may have fantastic listening skills. Or may be extremely tolerant. Girls dig that. She can be really messy, or never do stuff for her partner, or always want to talk... or just one thing, one tiny thing that you'd never think of, that's making her appreciate the guy and want to stay. OR it may be that he's always in charge and she hates making decisions. Including that of leaving the guy... You just never know.
KungFuJoe Posted April 18, 2013 Posted April 18, 2013 don't feel like going through all 6 pages, so there it goes: there are no "lousy relationships" because there are no "perfect relationships" either. You're happy with some people at times, and if they have that power, chances are they'll make you miserable as well. I strongly beg to differ. I've been in a VERY lousy relationship and stuck around for 2 years longer than I should have. I'm currently in what I think would be considered a perfect relationship by any conventional method and one that is over 13 years and still going strong. 2
Seductive Posted April 19, 2013 Posted April 19, 2013 Because they feel lousy themselves. People re-enact how they see themselves or how they were brought up. If your partner is bringing down your self-esteem, you may believe that you can't do better. It's true that other people in our lives are often mirrors of ourselves. It takes confidence and challenge to leave a lousy relationship, and to realize that you deserve better. Not everyone realizes that they could do better.
2betex Posted April 19, 2013 Posted April 19, 2013 (edited) Funny how this whole scenario works for some and not others.. I was married for over 20 years and we had plenty of good times, and some bad, as time went on we started to grind on each other for many reasons, work, rain, it became an uneven partnership.... She was always allowed to do what ever she wanted.. Trips, vacations, started and stop a few businesses, etc. etc.. It was great for her.. but apparently not challenging enough.. We did the counseling thingmultiple times, trying to save the marriage but then she filed ... Now she messing around with a felon and thinks what he did was ok.. Stole 1.9 mil... spent 4 years in white collar prison..Which we all pay for now. Me I am a hard working nice guy. Which I find sort of funny as being in this category seems to have disqualified me from many women's lives. I guess the sense of the bad boy as a whole is more powerful than putting effort into agood relationship... Although the roller coaster part of life is cool and fun... as long as it is not stressful and stupid... On another note, I have a friend who is starting to grind on me as I help her out significantly and am ready to walk away from. I do believe she is the type of girl that likes the drama... I care about her but in her mind, it is al about the next cute guy who catches her attention, has to have a spark she says, in the first five minutes of a meeting and then she will know if it him she want to be with for the rest of her life.. (again).. Well now she is back to OMG my last boy friend was a jerk.. this has been a repetitive pattern for her most of her life I do not get it either...... She say she wants a good guy then goes out with the next smooth talking piece of crap.. Edited April 19, 2013 by 2betex
Woggle Posted April 19, 2013 Posted April 19, 2013 I read a post the other day from somebody who said that she associates passion with drama and uncertainty. Some people get off on this stuff. 1
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