Why Do People Stay In Lousy Relationships?

[MrCastle]

When I was young I thought, "Wtf are these adults doing in relationships where they fight and get angry, why not get different people?"

 

But unfortunately till you yourself have a relationship you cant really understand the emotions involved in having one. Not that I am saying its right. Its not. I refuse to be in those kinds of relationships now.

 

Won't be flowers and sunshine constantly though, thats delusional. Relationships can be lots of work. But it shouldn't be constant work.

 

Well, I mean I know it's not gonna be like those first few weeks where you became exclusive and spend 24/7 with each other and everything is rainbows and sunshine, but complaceny scares me and so does constant drama.

 

Some of my friends have been in LTRs lasting upwards of 5 years and even though they are 25, 26 years old, already lack visible passion in their relationship, like an old married couple. That can't be me.

 

I refuse to believe that is an inevitable fate. I want to feel the same way about my wife at 30 that I do when we're 80.

[MrCastle]

Maybe the sex is really good.

 

 

Well, I suppose that is a possibility.

 

But they can get better elsewhere.

[Poppy fields]

Well, I mean I know it's not gonna be like those first few weeks where you became exclusive and spend 24/7 with each other and everything is rainbows and sunshine, but complaceny scares me and so does constant drama.

 

Some of my friends have been in LTRs lasting upwards of 5 years and even though they are 25, 26 years old, already lack visible passion in their relationship, like an old married couple. That can't be me.

 

I refuse to believe that is an inevitable fate. I want to feel the same way about my wife at 30 that I do when we're 80.

 

That's like a 16 year old thinking they are going to have the same world/life views when they are 30. It just doesn't happen that way. Now who is to say you might not feel more in love at 80 than you did at 30? I just find it hard to believe it will be exactly the same feelings.

[Woggle]

I am 34 and while life is not a constant high we are still as happy and in love as ever.

[sweetkiwi]

Well, I mean I know it's not gonna be like those first few weeks where you became exclusive and spend 24/7 with each other and everything is rainbows and sunshine, but complaceny scares me and so does constant drama.

 

Some of my friends have been in LTRs lasting upwards of 5 years and even though they are 25, 26 years old, already lack visible passion in their relationship, like an old married couple. That can't be me.

 

I refuse to believe that is an inevitable fate. I want to feel the same way about my wife at 30 that I do when we're 80.

 

It doesn't have to be you!!! In fact I hope it's NOT!!! Learn from the mistakes of others. But also remember that anything lasting takes work, patience, and devotion. You are free to walk away at the first signs of difficulty of course, but that won't get you very far in a relationship!!!

 

Remember this thread when you get your first girlfriend and she goes through a rough patch.

[MrCastle]

It doesn't have to be you!!! In fact I hope it's NOT!!! Learn from the mistakes of others. But also remember that anything lasting takes work, patience, and devotion. You are free to walk away at the first signs of difficulty of course, but that won't get you very far in a relationship!!!

 

Remember this thread when you get your first girlfriend and she goes through a rough patch.

 

That's something else I have a fear of. Since I'm so used to doing things my way and never compromising, I'm afraid

 

1.) I'll leave a relationship too soon and miss out on a great thing

 

or

 

2.) I stick around thinking "relationships take work" and find myself posting sad quotes on facebook.

[carhill]

Reasons vary by person. I've had a change of heart about all the lousy relationship venting I've heard over the decades. I used to think that those people were looking for a solution, a way out, clarity, etc, etc. I now believe that they were merely looking for a receptacle to vent their emotions into. A hole to dump their stuff into, and refresh, kind of like how I feel refreshed after using the toilet in the morning to eliminate.

 

My personal anecdote revolves around two aspects:

 

1. I was role modeled to 'work on' a marriage and to accept that a marriage was/is imperfect and to expect perfection was/is unreasonable. I was also socialized, as a man, to internalize this process and 'not complain'.

 

2. My priority at the time, in addition to my marriage, was caring for one of my role models, and to the extent that said priority was situationally dominant, I 'stayed' because it provided the lack of distress associated with break-ups and divorce to effectively discharge my duties as caregiver. Staying also temporarily protected my financial ability to discharge my duty to care while I formulated an alternative plan.

 

Prior to this anecdote, when in LTR's, after what I felt was sufficient work/effort to find solutions to disagreements or incompatibilities, I would proactively move on. Absent one glaring mistake when young with someone who would become over time known to be a MW, the pattern has been pretty consistent, and continues post-D. This perhaps touches upon one other 'reason', why people stay in lousy relationships, that being fear of being alone. That statement is one I've heard directly many times over the decades by those who would use my empathy and care as a receptacle for their 'stuff'. 'I can't be alone'. That's their truth. Accepted.

[sweetkiwi]

That's something else I have a fear of. Since I'm so used to doing things my way and never compromising, I'm afraid

 

1.) I'll leave a relationship too soon and miss out on a great thing

 

or

 

2.) I stick around thinking "relationships take work" and find myself posting sad quotes on facebook.

 

Most likely dear you'll do both!!! I have been in relationships since I was in middle school. I've run the gambit of possibilities and each one was different. You'll only be half of any relationship so your real power comes from being true to yourself and picking partners carefully.

 

I am interested in WHY you've never had a relationship.

[MrCastle]

That's the other thing. Fear of being alone. These women, the few that actually make it out of their relationship are back in a new one in no more than two months.

 

Huh?

 

I don't know if 6-8 weeks is enough to fully get over a serious breakup, experience freedom and self interests, and enter a new relationship again.

[sweetkiwi]

That's the other thing. Fear of being alone. These women, the few that actually make it out of their relationship are back in a new one in no more than two months.

 

Huh?

 

I don't know if 6-8 weeks is enough to fully get over a serious breakup, experience freedom and self interests, and enter a new relationship again.

 

YUP!!! Me again. I have to make a conscious effort to NOT get into a relationship. I am easy to get along with and generally have my pick of men to be with.

 

Why does freedom and pursuing interests have to be separate from a relationship??

[MrCastle]

I am interested in WHY you've never had a relationship.

 

The fear of commitment is a biggie. I don't mean in terms of "oh no, I can't sleep with anymore women!", but more so "oh no...did I settle down with the right one? What if there is better out there?"

 

The other part is that it kind of scares me to be that vulnerable. My only relationship lasted 3 weeks, when I was 15. That girl was way more into me than I was her, to say the least. It scared me that someone could have feelings for me like that. Where I could do no wrong. Where I'm idolized and stuff.

 

I like girls that tease me and keep me on my toes. This girl, and a few girls of past would be way too clingy and think everything I did was incredible. I felt pressure to be this perfect being that they thought I was, while at the same time being scared sh*tless that they were this into me.

 

Of course the other component is potential for a breakup. I don't handle matters of the heart well. Even though I'm casually dating, that doesn't mean I am not open to minor gut punches here and there. I have a two step formula for dealing with it internally. 1.) Rage 2.) Decreased rage.

 

If I was ever seriously emotionally attached to someone, and got my heart broken, I wouldn't be ok for quite some time.

[KathyM]

That's a good point that dating relationships shouldn't be that conflictual. It should be a time of enjoying finding out about the other person, and enjoying each other's company. If there is a lot of conflict in a dating relationship, it's time to throw in the towel and find a more compatible partner, or work on yourself and whatever issues you had that created conflict in the relationship. With marriage, on the other hand, comes shared finances, children, disciplining of children, and many things that are a lot more difficult to see eye to eye on and resolve. If people can't even get along when there are no serious issues like children, finances, in-laws, etc., then they sure as heck won't get along for the long term. I just don't understand how people can stay in a highly contentious dating relationship, rather than cutting their losses and moving on to find someone they can get along with.

[xxoo]

That's something else I have a fear of. Since I'm so used to doing things my way and never compromising, I'm afraid

 

1.) I'll leave a relationship too soon and miss out on a great thing

 

or

 

2.) I stick around thinking "relationships take work" and find myself posting sad quotes on facebook.

 

Compromise should not be leading to Facebook whining. Compromise can feel really good; we found a solution that works for us.

 

You have so much passion, I'm surprised that's never spilled over into passion for one woman--one woman you would gladly bend to make happy. Gladly being the key.

 

It's a learning process, balancing passion and compromise without bending too far, knowing when to work on things and when to leave. It is something we learn by jumping in and doing it, living it. Consider the posts on facebook evidence of slow learners

 

This fear:

 

If I was ever seriously emotionally attached to someone, and got my heart broken, I wouldn't be ok for quite some time.

 

That could prevent you from experiencing some of the best pleasure that life has to offer. Unfortunately, to experience the best, we have to risk the worst. No way around the risks.

Edited April 15, 2013 by xxoo

[MrCastle]

You have so much passion, I'm surprised that's never spilled over into passion for one woman--one woman you would gladly bend to make happy. Gladly being the key.

 

Oh it has. But it's never been reciprocated, so I have to internalize my feelings. There is one woman in my life who I feel very strongly about but she is spoken for. I feel she's my dream girl, but there's nothing I can do about it.

 

I do hope in the very near future I'll find someone who I can give my love to. I feel I do have a lot of love to give and at 25, annoys me that everyone around me has been in at least one loving relationship and I've been in 0, and I'm staring right at 30 years old.

 

But as I've said before, you can't force love. I can't go out today and decide I'm going to find someone to fall in love with. Just sort of happens.

[sweetkiwi]

The fear of commitment is a biggie. I don't mean in terms of "oh no, I can't sleep with anymore women!", but more so "oh no...did I settle down with the right one? What if there is better out there?"

 

The other part is that it kind of scares me to be that vulnerable. My only relationship lasted 3 weeks, when I was 15. That girl was way more into me than I was her, to say the least. It scared me that someone could have feelings for me like that. Where I could do no wrong. Where I'm idolized and stuff.

 

I like girls that tease me and keep me on my toes. This girl, and a few girls of past would be way too clingy and think everything I did was incredible. I felt pressure to be this perfect being that they thought I was, while at the same time being scared sh*tless that they were this into me.

 

Of course the other component is potential for a breakup. I don't handle matters of the heart well. Even though I'm casually dating, that doesn't mean I am not open to minor gut punches here and there. I have a two step formula for dealing with it internally. 1.) Rage 2.) Decreased rage.

 

If I was ever seriously emotionally attached to someone, and got my heart broken, I wouldn't be ok for quite some time.

Well the ones who idolize you are not seeing the reality of humans. And knowing that you are a self professed narcassist you should ENJOY it!!!

 

Honestly it seems you'll need a narcassistic woman to hold your interests but that will get boring with you two competing for the spotlight.

 

Still gotta get your feet wet.

[carhill]

But as I've said before, you can't force love. I can't go out today and decide I'm going to find someone to fall in love with. Just sort of happens.

 

Tangential to this comment, I did find through life experience that the more exposure to new social avenues and situations which occurred, the more evident and clear that mistake of youth became and, hence, with both aspects in full play, the more relationship potentials and also 'in love' potentials presented themselves. This began most markedly after embarking on world travel in my early 30's. Additionally, a social circle of married friends in productive and healthy marriages assisted as modeling for what aspect to consider as being healthy or unhealthy (lousy). The few which were apparently 'lousy' became beacons of issues to pay attention to.

 

IMO, all relationships of consequence involve some risk. There is no 'sure thing' in this realm. Each day is a new day, subject to the vagaries of all things new. Good luck.

[MrCastle]

Well the ones who idolize you are not seeing the reality of humans. And knowing that you are a self professed narcassist you should ENJOY it!!!

 

Honestly it seems you'll need a narcassistic woman to hold your interests but that will get boring with you two competing for the spotlight.

 

Still gotta get your feet wet.

 

Haha I know. I am such a contradiction in a lot of phases of life. A very complex fellow indeed. Or maybe I'm just a mess.

 

No, I like feeling like the greatest man a woman has known, but only when I've put effort into it. Romantic, unique, creative dates, dressing well, having a way with words. That kind of stuff.

 

I don't want a girl to say "I love how you drool in your sleep and it crusts on the side of your mouth. So hot."

 

To me that's like a few stages short of using my skin to make a pillow case.

[sweetkiwi]

Haha I know. I am such a contradiction in a lot of phases of life. A very complex fellow indeed. Or maybe I'm just a mess.

 

No, I like feeling like the greatest man a woman has known, but only when I've put effort into it. Romantic, unique, creative dates, dressing well, having a way with words. That kind of stuff.

 

I don't want a girl to say "I love how you drool in your sleep and it crusts on the side of your mouth. So hot."

 

To me that's like a few stages short of using my skin to make a pillow case.

 

Lulllz I assure you it's not. But I understand. Honestly, and I mean no harm, I think you're coming from a place where you have 25 years of ideas and very little experience. We are all experts till we go through the actual issues themselves.

 

I would be very interested to talk to 30yo castle about how he views things.

[MrCastle]

Lulllz I assure you it's not. But I understand. Honestly, and I mean no harm, I think you're coming from a place where you have 25 years of ideas and very little experience. We are all experts till we go through the actual issues themselves.

 

I would be very interested to talk to 30yo castle about how he views things.

 

I don't know. Maybe I have intimacy problems? There is always that moment where a girl says or does something way over the top and I have to hit the eject button.

[Treasa]

Most likely dear you'll do both!!! I have been in relationships since I was in middle school. I've run the gambit of possibilities and each one was different. You'll only be half of any relationship so your real power comes from being true to yourself and picking partners carefully.

 

I am interested in WHY you've never had a relationship.

 

And I would like to thank sweetkiwi for saving me some typing..

 

Ok, seriously? Be in love with yourself. Seriously. Find someone you can live with and truly be yourself with. If you can't do that, **** anything that moves and just enjoy it.

 

You aren't a success or a failure if you either are with someone or aren't.

 

At the end of my life, if I'm fortunate to look back on it, I just want to be able to say, "Hot DAMN that was a lot of fun."

[sweetkiwi]

I don't know. Maybe I have intimacy problems? There is always that moment where a girl says or does something way over the top and I have to hit the eject button.

 

Well you would know better than anyone else. I personally think you're looking for a woman like you; emotionally unavailable. Or at least one who pretends to be that way. Which generally means manipulation.

 

I really don't think you need a woman like that. Because then it will be YOU who is on Facebook or LS posting about why she won't open up or commit. Think about it honey.

[MrCastle]

Well you would know better than anyone else. I personally think you're looking for a woman like you; emotionally unavailable. Or at least one who pretends to be that way. Which generally means manipulation.

 

I really don't think you need a woman like that. Because then it will be YOU who is on Facebook or LS posting about why she won't open up or commit. Think about it honey.

 

I'm sure there are women who are in between overly clingy emotional wrecks and cold hearted man eaters. I need that kind.

[man_in_the_box]

I didn't have the heart to break it off - even though rationally it would've been a wise choice. It was my first relationship and I just wasn't emotionally mature enough to deal with it. It's hard to write someone off when they've made you their everything.

 

Also I don't take people who post their relationship-drama on Facebook serious.

[Treasa]

I'm sure there are women who are in between overly clingy emotional wrecks and cold hearted man eaters. I need that kind.

 

Yes, we exist. A lot of us reply to your threads.

[KungFuJoe]

People stay in bad relationships, imo, because they probably lacked intimacy with their parents growing up.

 

At least that was my case. I latched onto my first gf like a baby to a mother. At first. And she loved it. When I would get sick, she would baby me, cook for me, cater to my every need. I lived in her house, she paid my bills...I didn't work for the first year we were together and even when I started working, I was making peanuts. She was 4 years older than me and, in a way, was the mother I didn't have growing up in my teens.

 

So when she became a controlling pyscho jealous freak, I didn't hit the eject button (as MrCastle so eloquently put it). I stuck around, trying to make things work, fearing the alternative (being by myself). It was bad...horribly bad for the last two years of our four year relationship. She threatened to kill herself if I left her. But we fought nearly every day...and violent fights. I put my hands on her a few times, I'm ashamed to say.

 

We eventually broke up...but it was bad. REAL bad. Like lifetime movie bad. Cheating, stalking, violence, threats...name it, it happened. We both had issues.

 

I see a lot of people in bad relationships and they stick around...and I'm not gonna lie...I will say, "Why do they continue to stick around", but I know WHY. I know the real reason WHY. It's just a lot easier to say it from the outside looking in.