Ending it with someone I like because they wont commit

[youaremysunshine]

So I have been seeing this guy about 4 months. He's. 21 and I was his first girlfriend. To be honest I'm an insecure person and being in my first relationship in five years has really exaberated that.

 

We've talked a bit about about our childhoods which held a lot of pain and abuse. I feel really venerable now.

 

Its been four months and he says he isn't ready to be exclusive. I was his first at 21 and he wants to experience sex with other women. Not date them, not fall in love with them. He says he's really happy being my boyfriend and I he doesn't want to lose me. But I doubt he could really avoid getting attached.

 

 

We spend a lot of time together and I know he was very lonely before I met him. He is going to let down of I end it but I feel this relationship is just making me depressed and anxious.

 

I really care about him and hope we can be friends. He has been a good companion. How can I break up with him? I've never broken up with anyone before.

[youaremysunshine]

Ugh also I hate coming off as needy, I never needed anyone before.

[ThatJustHappened]

Well..at least he's honest I guess. He wants the freedom to sleep with other people but still keep you around for emotional support. That's pretty douchey. Don't let him have his cake and eat it too.

 

Just tell him that you're both young, and he should go out and do what he needs to do, but you're not going to wait for him.

 

Don't be his friend..it's only going to hurt you more.

[sweetkiwi]

Well it's not breaking up if you haven't committed. If I were you I would just pull back.

 

You'll get your bearings back. Good luck.

[KathyM]

It's not being needy to want an actual relationship that involves exclusivity. Nothing wrong with that. Most people want exactly that. It sounds like this guy wants to keep his options open while stringing you along for the ride. I would suggest you tell him you are looking for a relationship that doesn't involve dating other people while trying to build a connection with one person, and multi-dating is not going to work for you, so maybe it's best to end the relationship at this point.

[youaremysunshine]

Well, he calls us boyfriend and girlfriend. Met his only friends, his brothers and he told his mom about me. I guess cutting things off would be similar to a break up.

 

 

That stupid thing is he doubts he will actually sleep with another girl, he just wants the option to. I must admit he is a difficult person and I feel like its unlikely he will find someone as compatible as me.

[KathyM]

Well, he calls us boyfriend and girlfriend. Met his only friends, his brothers and he told his mom about me. I guess cutting things off would be similar to a break up.

 

 

That stupid thing is he doubts he will actually sleep with another girl, he just wants the option to. I must admit he is a difficult person and I feel like its unlikely he will find someone as compatible as me.

If he's such a difficult person, and doesn't value his relationship with you enough to turn down something with someone else, then it's time to let this guy go to find what he's looking for. You obviously don't want to be used as an option, and want an actual relationship that doesn't involve others. It's time to let this guy go if he's not willing to give up dating others, if your goal is to have an exclusive relationship. Don't allow yourself to be strung along like this.

[youaremysunshine]

Also so many of my friends are in open relationships or polyamorous or whatever. This guy too seems to think that's the enlightened way. Nither party owning eachother, just a voluntary union of equal independent people.

 

 

Cool in theory but it makes me feel so insecure.... He knows it too

[youaremysunshine]

Also worth noting is I'm very capable of muti dating and did in the early stages of this relationship. I'm not any more because I really like him and he's the guy I want to be with.

 

He on the other hand had never even been on a date prior to meeting me. His self confidence with girls if pretty low. He has not made any effort to meet other girls as far as I know. But if is just bidding his time with me cause he thinks he can't do better but is hoping someone will fall in his lap, I want no part of it. Pretty hard on the old self esteem

[KathyM]

Also so many of my friends are in open relationships or polyamorous or whatever. This guy too seems to think that's the enlightened way. Nither party owning eachother, just a voluntary union of equal independent people.

 

 

Cool in theory but it makes me feel so insecure.... He knows it too

Well, if multi-dating is what this guy wants, and you don't, then it's time to stop kidding yourself and thinking this relationship is going to work. You both want different things. Nothing cool about making sexual intimacy meaningless, and having it with randoms.

[youaremysunshine]

Sticking with him in hopes he doesn't connect with anyone and realizes we are a good match is pathetic and sad right?

 

This has made me so clingy and I'm sure I'm driving him away.

[youaremysunshine]

Also is 3 and a half months a reasonable time to expect commitment out of this guy? Bizarrely he often talks about wanting to share his life with a woman and have a family, it's his dream and he is scared that he will end up alone.

[youaremysunshine]

I'm torn between outright ending it because I'm hurt or just going back to dating around and seeing if he makes an effort for me.

 

To be honest we are st different stages and the relationship is not at equal one

 

I make about 3 times what he does

 

I am about to finish uni and he is a Highschool drop out (very smart though)

 

I regularly feed and shop for him

 

I have a moderately active social life with good friends, he has one friend he doesn't even like

 

I try to keep up my appearece, excercise. He is a little overweight and has not used soap in years for some reason.

 

I am pretty sexually experienced and comfortable with my sexuality, he's new to sex and ashamed of his sexual desires (want to be ****ed in the ass, wear my cloths) I actually like that he's kinky but he is still so hung up you know?

 

He had been a great companion, I love his taste in movies, music, literature, art. He's very intelligent and the conversation is good. So is that sex. I feel like he really needs to work on himself though. I'm not sure many women will be as understanding as me

[ThatJustHappened]

I'm torn between outright ending it because I'm hurt or just going back to dating around and seeing if he makes an effort for me.

 

To be honest we are st different stages and the relationship is not at equal one

 

I make about 3 times what he does

 

I am about to finish uni and he is a Highschool drop out (very smart though)

 

I regularly feed and shop for him

 

I have a moderately active social life with good friends, he has one friend he doesn't even like

 

I try to keep up my appearece, excercise. He is a little overweight and has not used soap in years for some reason.

 

I am pretty sexually experienced and comfortable with my sexuality, he's new to sex and ashamed of his sexual desires (want to be ****ed in the ass, wear my cloths) I actually like that he's kinky but he is still so hung up you know?

 

He had been a great companion, I love his taste in movies, music, literature, art. He's very intelligent and the conversation is good. So is that sex. I feel like he really needs to work on himself though. I'm not sure many women will be as understanding as me

 

So basically..you're his mom..

 

What do you think the point of waiting around for him would be?

[youaremysunshine]

well, I feel like were good together... I ended up mothering only real serious boyfriend for 3 years. So maybe it's a pattern. I am a caring person but I want us to be equals. I do want him to grow up but right now I'm just living in fear of him leaving me.

 

 

I am sorely tempted to call him up and end it. but then i think maybe if I just quit spending everyday with him and see other people (maybe let him know about it) He'll come around....

[ThatJustHappened]

well, I feel like were good together... I ended up mothering only real serious boyfriend for 3 years. So maybe it's a pattern. I am a caring person but I want us to be equals. I do want him to grow up but right now I'm just living in fear of him leaving me.

 

 

I am sorely tempted to call him up and end it. but then i think maybe if I just quit spending everyday with him and see other people (maybe let him know about it) He'll come around....

 

He'll only come around if he wants to. You can't force it from him, and you have to start doing what's best for you, which it sounds like is moving on. If he comes back around eventually, great..but if not, you won't mind so much in the future.

[youaremysunshine]

do you recommend telling him I'm moving on or just doing it?

[youaremysunshine]

Because I really want to say: you are a fool to think you will ever do better than me.

 

but if he wants to keep seeing me and keeping it open I am for reals going to date other people. I got two phone numbers of friends of friends at a house party last night. one of them seems like he really has potential.

[youaremysunshine]

I also want to say:

 

good luck charming a girl with your total lack of manners, money and personal hygiene

 

rapidly moving from depressed to angry at this point

[youaremysunshine]

decided I like him too much to hurt his feelings how about:

 

Hey M

 

 

 

I realized it would be selfish me to expect you to remain with me while you date other women, you have a soul and deserve to fall in love. And some woman will love you someday.

 

 

 

You’ve been good company. I hope we can be friends.

 

M