Getting him back

[kool]

I have a question for you. So my boyfriend and I recently broke up last week. However, about a month ago, I initiated a break, due to us getting into arguments way too much. We would fight about really little things. After a week into the break, he would call me like every hour trying to figure out why I wanted a break and he was really sad about it.

 

I kinda said I didn't know if I was in love with him anymore, which really hurt him. I said it so he would give me some space. I began to feel like I wasn't interested in being with my him anymore and began to distant myself from the relationship. We had been together for four years and had some really great times together. He was my first and we became my best friends. We would talk to each other every night.

 

After a month into the break, he began to stop calling me and he even deleted me off facebook. At this time, I told him I was ready to talk. So, he called me and we had a conversation for an hour. We talked about the relationship and I told him that I made a mistake and didn't want to break up. However, he said that I put him through so much pain that he couldn't handle going through it again. He said that when I told him I didn't know if I was in love with him it really hit him hard.

 

I asked him to come over the next day, in which he did. I made him dinner, bought him a gift to show I was sorry and wrote him a letter. I told him I regret taking a break and didn't mean what I said when I told him I wasn't sure if I was in love with him. But nothing worked. He didn't take my gift or have any dinner. He was holding his tears back the whole time and left with the letter. When he left, he gave this look like don't let me go but I didn't want to force him to stay and make myself look desperate. I texted him that night and apologized for ruining the last four years of his life. In which he replied by saying, "you didn't, but when you are told that you aren't loved by the first person you really cared about, it really hurt."

 

 

I tried asking him to meet again to work things out but he said no. What should I do? I still love him and don't want to leave the relationship but he is too hurt. Clearly my actions and words aren't enough. I feel horrible for hurting him and realized I took him for granted. I know his parents don't really like me and I am not sure if they have influenced him in anyway.

Edited April 15, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Cutiepie1976]

When you break someone's trust, as you did, and make light of crushing that person's heart, as you did, it's very difficult to get him to trust you again. A nice dinner and a letter won't erase the damage. It's a little like taking a wrecking ball to a building and after it's reduced to rubble, thinking a few buckets of nice paint and a new area rug will get you the building you had.

 

You don't break up unless you plan it to be permanent. Hopefully that's a lesson learned.

 

Besides, all the things that irritated you and prompted the breakup, will be irritating you again after you've been back a month. You haven't described a single thing that changed other than your realization that you took him for granted. No change=same outcome.

[Cogee]

A lot of complicated things happened here so bear with me. My impression right off is that you both lack a lot of maturity in how to handle all of this, which is a big problem in of itself.

 

So my boyfriend and I recently broke up last week. However, about a month ago, I initiated a break, due to us getting into arguments way too much. We would fight about really little things.

 

A break is a break up. You both failed to address a major problem, which is that you were having arguments about so many little things. I think that arguing over little things and letting them bother you means that there is something greater bothering you as well.

 

After a week into the break, he would call me like every hour trying to figure out why I wanted a break and he was really sad about it. I kinda said I didn't know if I was in love with him anymore, which really hurt him. I said it so he would give me some space. I began to feel like I wasn't interested in being with my him anymore and began to distant myself from the relationship.

 

Did you explain to him that you were bothered by all the fighting, and it was making you doubt the relationship? Saying you didn't know if you loved him any more is very painful but understandable. Unfortunately, if you didn't actually talked about what was bothering you, he will have been only left with the impression that you don't love him.

 

We had been together for four years and had some really great times together. He was my first and we became my best friends. We would talk to each other every night. After a month into the break, he began to stop calling me and he even deleted me off facebook. At this time, I told him I was ready to talk. So, he called me and we had a conversation for an hour.

 

So you were only prompted to talk after you saw him disappearing from your life. Your motivation to talk should have been long before your initial break up. You were talking to him from a position of desperation rather than from a controlled heart-to-heart.

 

We talked about the relationship and I told him that I made a mistake and didn't want to break up. However, he said that I put him through so much pain that he couldn't handle going through it again. He said that when I told him I didn't know if I was in love with him it really hit him hard. I asked him to come over the next day, in which he did. I made him dinner, bought him a gift to show I was sorry and wrote him a letter. I told him I regret taking a break and didn't mean what I said when I told him I wasn't sure if I was in love with him. But nothing worked. He didn't take my gift or have any dinner. He was holding his tears back the whole time and left with the letter. When he left, he gave this look like don't let me go but I didn't want to force him to stay and make myself look desperate. I texted him that night and apologized for ruining the last four years of his life. In which he replied by saying, "you didn't, but when you are told that you aren't loved by the first person you really cared about, it really hurt." I tried asking him to meet again to work things out but he said no.

 

You can see how damaging those words were to him. He is very hurt and no amount of apologizing will change anything. You broke his heart and his trust, so it's up to him at this point whether he can face you again.

 

What should I do? I still love him and don't want to leave the relationship but he is too hurt. Clearly my actions and words aren't enough. I feel horrible for hurting him and realized I took him for granted. I know his parents don't really like me and I am not sure if they have influenced him in anyway.

 

He is really focused on when you said you didn't know if you loved him so the only way you will ever salvage this is if you are honest with him and do what you should have done since the beginning - talk about why the relationship wasn't working for you. It may be too late now, so if that's the case you will have to let that be a lesson to you to always be upfront and honest with your partner about what is bothering you. Don't say things to get space if you don't know if you mean them.

[kool]

How to go I about talking to him and telling him about what went wrong in the relationship? Should I call or text? Should I give him more time before contacting him?

[Cutiepie1976]

Call, never text, when it involves a serious matter. Even better, speak face-to-face. Relationship talks should take place in person.

 

Respect his need for space now. Let him come to you when he's ready. I would let him know that you love him and want to get back together, but you respect his wishes right now. That you are there when he's ready to talk or reconsider. Then leave him alone and let him decide.

[Treasa]

How to go I about talking to him and telling him about what went wrong in the relationship? Should I call or text? Should I give him more time before contacting him?

 

Don't tell him what went wrong in the relationship. Leave him alone. Don't contact him at all. I'm glad he had enough self-respect to walk away. That makes me happy.

[OwlSoul]

How to go I about talking to him and telling him about what went wrong in the relationship? Should I call or text? Should I give him more time before contacting him?

I think more time you both will spend separately, easier it'll be for him to move on. Logically, in such a situation dumpers should do the opposite to dumpee's behaviour. Like proving the person that you're really into it and etc. Gain the trust back by suggesting everything you denied to give him (your attention, love and etc.).

 

But meh, love is not logical most of the times I guess

 

I do not blame you over hurting the person, btw. I do realize what you were feeling at the time, it is natural and has nothing to deal with being immature or mature (otherwise there would be no 30+ year olds sharing their BU stories). Pie is right about that the issues will rise again in the future. in case you guys will reconcile, I'd suggest to work over those issues (go to professionals) and do not fall into the old patterns.

[Cogee]

I'm going to have to disagree with a few things. Firstly, age is not an indicator of maturity - actions and words are. Secondly, kool is specifically asking about what she can do to get him back after all that has been said and done, and I believe there is still something that can be done.

 

You have to convince him with both your words and actions that you didn't truly mean you didn't love him. Looking at things from his side, I would suggest you give him space so no calls or texting or emails. Make a hand written letter telling him how much you love him. You also have to tell him exactly how you felt and why you said what you said. You have to say exactly what was in your heart at the time and what is in your heart now - that you love him, the reason you said what you said, and that most importantly you believe you two can work things out.

 

This isn't about you getting him back just to have him back. You want to acknowledge why things weren't working for you with him, give him an opportunity to think about that, and then go from there. You then have to accept that he may never respond to you and should not contact him further.

[kool]

Our four year anniversary would have been this Sunday and that would mark three weeks of being separated. Do you think that it would be an appropriate time to start a conversation. I also bought him a ring with our anniversary date engraved in it for an anniversary gift before all of this happened. Should I try to meet up with him to give it to him since it has sentimental meaning or should I not bother?

Edited April 15, 2013 by kool

[Sav]

Honestly, I don't think you are ready. Based on what you have wrote above, my conjuncture would be that you are afraid of being alone. He kept trying to make things work but you refused only to be afraid when he finally got the message and backed out.

 

To save both of you a lot of pain down the road, I suggest you stop (unconsciously) playing with his mind. Figure out what you truly want before making anymore decisions. Let this be a lesson to you.

 

I was the same too. I forever bemoaned about my then-girlfriend to my friends and how I wished I was single. When she finally got fed-up and left, I was devastated. I thought maybe she is really what I want, maybe I do love her. But now time has passed and I had time to think, I was just afraid of being alone, afraid of the darkness I did not know before. Embrace it and face it head on. There's no escape and goodluck with your future r/s

[Cogee]

I do have to agree that if you are thinking in terms of momentous occasions and an engraved ring then perhaps you are not ready mentally to approach him. You are hurting and so is he, so don't add additional layers to an already emotional situation.

 

You have to dig deep and figure out why you are feeling the way you are. I don't like that you waited until he cut you out of his life before you made any attempt at reconciliation because it makes it seem like you just don't want to be alone. If you are like Sav is suggesting, and you are just afraid to be alone, then you need to leave him alone and really focus on yourself.

 

We really have no way of knowing your true intentions and feelings here, so it's up to you to fill in that part. Do you honestly, truly, feel that right now if things were to get back to the way before that you two could work on the problems you were having? If not, then you need to let it go.

[kool]

I'm not afraid of being alone. There are multiple guys after me and hint that they want to be with me. However, I have no feelings for anyone except him. I tried going to a bar with my friends to distract myself and no matter what I couldn't stop thinking about him. I can't accept being with anyone other than him.

[Sav]

I'm afraid you misunderstood what I meant. When I said being alone, I meant the feeling. You can have tons of friends and suitors but that doesn't mean you will feel comfortable.

 

I guess if you want to put it in another term, it would be being afraid to step out of your comfort zone. You shared something together and it was good while it lasted. It has become a routine, part of your life and suddenly everything you envisioned vanished into thin air.

 

Work on your issues first before making any decisions. Don't mean to sound harsh or anything so don't take offence but you did choose to run and shutting him out instead of trying to work things out and now the roles are reversed. Both parties are at faults in every breakup, deal with yours first before seeking him out again if that's what you really want.

[othersideofthepillow]

To me, this sounds like a classic rebound scenario.

 

You meet a new person, they distract you from the hurt and pain that you feel from your ex so of course you will start to like him.

 

You said that you were together for 4 years and than decided you needed a break. Ok. That sucks but to each their own. If you think about it, you two have only been apart for going on 2 months now.

 

What you need to do is this:

 

1) Decided if you are still IN LOVE with your ex

 

2) If you are, COMPLETELY cut off this new person and prove to your ex that he is the right man for you. (If you don't you run the risk of him thinking that you really dont care for him and maybe never did or at least as much as he may have thought).

 

3) Focus on getting yourself together and a better person for him and continue, continue, continue to make the EFFORT to prove to him that he is the one for you.

 

Some people think that "they should take me back right away" or "why do i need to prove anything to them when they should already know how serious i am". That's all fine and dandy UNTIL you removed that when you ended it/took a break.

 

Hopefully that help?

 

Good luck

[kool]

To me, this sounds like a classic rebound scenario.

 

You meet a new person, they distract you from the hurt and pain that you feel from your ex so of course you will start to like him.

 

You said that you were together for 4 years and than decided you needed a break. Ok. That sucks but to each their own. If you think about it, you two have only been apart for going on 2 months now.

 

What you need to do is this:

 

1) Decided if you are still IN LOVE with your ex

 

2) If you are, COMPLETELY cut off this new person and prove to your ex that he is the right man for you. (If you don't you run the risk of him thinking that you really dont care for him and maybe never did or at least as much as he may have thought).

 

3) Focus on getting yourself together and a better person for him and continue, continue, continue to make the EFFORT to prove to him that he is the one for you.

 

Some people think that "they should take me back right away" or "why do i need to prove anything to them when they should already know how serious i am". That's all fine and dandy UNTIL you removed that when you ended it/took a break.

 

Hopefully that help?

 

Good luck

How do I show him I want to be with him if he doesn't respond to me?

[TaraMaiden]

When you are in love with someone,and then you fall in love with someone else, always go with the 'someone else'.

 

Because if you had really REALLY been in love with the first love, you wouldn't even have considered dating the second love.

 

Concentrate on your present love. Learn from your past, because historic love is an idealised memory of what you had, and future love is an idealistic fantasy. What counts is how well you love,now.

[crederer]

Well it sounds like you blew it. You broke his heart and ignored him when he tried to figure out what happened. Honestly, for me, I think it's a cowardly move to not give a real reason for the break up.

 

He gave up on chasing you and you changed your mind when it was too late. He probably will not come back and is probably seeing someone else now who appreciates him, and wouldn't tell him that he is not loved.