superconfusedman Posted April 15, 2013 Posted April 15, 2013 Hey all, Very simple question then ill tell you my situation, if you ask a girl out for dinner and agrees, she knows its a date right?? Basically I have been out with a new friend group a few times recently and there is one girl who I really like. We always have a chat together and get along really well, have a good joke around etc etc. So we were all out sat night together, and in the morning I msgd her on FB (lame I know but I don't have her number and just didn't think to do it on the night as I was hanging with the lads most the night), and the message went as follows: ME: Hey realname/joke name i gave her sat.......share a (silly food she likes and we were joking about) with me Wednesday night. haha, seriously tho....lets do dinner :-) HER: haha (silly food she likes) ftw!!!!! Dinner sounds excellent what is on the books OK, now im guessing if she has only met me with the group 3/4 times and Ive asked her for dinner, she gets thats its a date right?? I'm just not sure because I didn't ask her on a "date" with me.
Cutiepie1976 Posted April 15, 2013 Posted April 15, 2013 And that's why you ask for a date! I have a lot of platonic male friends. It would be silly to assume when we go out to dinner that we were going on dates. We aren't. It's no different than when I go out with a female friend. Also not considered a date, especially since I don't swing that way. Ditto for going out to lunch or dinner with male colleagues from work. Also not dates. Make it clear by calling it a date. Act like it's a date. It's in your interest to be crystal clear about this. You are the reason you are superconfused.
Author superconfusedman Posted April 15, 2013 Author Posted April 15, 2013 OK still keen for other people opinions but whilst im online. What to do now, I said we are going to an area of town known for good food, but will be msging her tomorrow to confirm details for wed......so do I just say something like "ok, ill pick you up at 6:30 bla bla bla" Then when she replies say "ok its a date!"??
Cutiepie1976 Posted April 15, 2013 Posted April 15, 2013 "Just confirming our date tomorrow. Was thinking I'd come by around 6:30. Looking forward to seeing you."
tricolors Posted April 15, 2013 Posted April 15, 2013 Seeing as I just experienced a similar situation as you, and even talked about it here...make it clear you're interested in her. I recently went out on what I thought was an obvious date, only when I called it a date to the female in question, she said she didn't realize it was a date...or at the very least she was shy in admitting so. It was a bit more complex than that in my case, but it still stands. Make it known what your intentions are. 1
Author superconfusedman Posted April 16, 2013 Author Posted April 16, 2013 OK I think you guys are right, better to make sure she knows why I want to meet her, and also make sure I know whats going on so I dont make a fool of myself. I just went with "hey so I was thinking ill pick you up at 6:30 for our date tomorrow, that good for you?" Hopefully its a date. Do you guys not think putting the label 'Date' on it kinda puts a bit more pressure on the meet tho?
tricolors Posted April 16, 2013 Posted April 16, 2013 OK I think you guys are right, better to make sure she knows why I want to meet her, and also make sure I know whats going on so I dont make a fool of myself. I just went with "hey so I was thinking ill pick you up at 6:30 for our date tomorrow, that good for you?" Hopefully its a date. Do you guys not think putting the label 'Date' on it kinda puts a bit more pressure on the meet tho? Yeah, sure it does. But you could be stuck in some limbo of not knowing otherwise. Trust me, I've been there, it can eat at you. Here's the deal: You could go out with her and wonder if she's really interested in you, and maybe even go out a few more times and not know, and maybe she wants to start dating you too, but won't say it. Or: You can take a chance, tell her, and just get it out of the way. If she's not into it, so be it...move on, no big deal, stay friends with her. This situation I was in recently, it ate at me for a week. We went out on a very long date (10 hours,) had a great time, never stopped talking. At the end, I still wasn't sure if she was really into me, or if she knew I was into her. We already had established a friendly relationship through a shared activity, so we had a rapport already...one that I wanted to shape into a future relationship, possibly. So, one evening, I said the hell with this, I'm going to tell her we went on a date, and that I think she's special, and I want to get to know her better in a relationship sense, not a friend sense. She was a little taken back by it. Had no idea I was into her, at least not as far as I could tell. I flat out told her if she wanted to remain friends, so be it, but I clearly stated I was into her. She was so freaked by how candid I stated it, I think I scared her briefly...but I calmed her down and simply stated I just want to get to know you better. So she finally said "Sure, we'll take it slow and get to know each other better." (She's been single for 5 years after a bad relationship.) So, long story short: Just make it known you're into her, or else keep wondering.
Author superconfusedman Posted April 16, 2013 Author Posted April 16, 2013 I have flirted quite a lot so im pretty sure she knows, but yeah I agree with you I guess its better throwing it out early rather than an awkward situation later on.
tricolors Posted April 16, 2013 Posted April 16, 2013 I have flirted quite a lot so im pretty sure she knows, but yeah I agree with you I guess its better throwing it out early rather than an awkward situation later on. Yeah. I thought I had flirted a lot with this woman, too. I thought I was crystal clear. Turns out I wasn't, or she was simply too (shy?) to admit she knew. It still doesn't necessarily mean she knows you're really interested in her. Some women have been flirted around with a lot from guys they're sure aren't interested in them, because some guys just like to flirt with anyone and everyone. Women can build up a tolerance to it and pay no mind to it.
CryForNoOne Posted April 16, 2013 Posted April 16, 2013 I never understood all this is it or isn't it a date BS. She's either interested or she's not. Labelling doesn't change anything except for making it awkward if you make a big deal out of it OR do something overt like bring flowers when she wasn't really interested. Even if it's NOT a date a it can become one if you are charming you have chemistry. Just don't assume its a formal date and plan anything over the top... 1
HoneyBadgerDontCare Posted April 16, 2013 Posted April 16, 2013 Hey all, Very simple question then ill tell you my situation, if you ask a girl out for dinner and agrees, she knows its a date right?? Basically I have been out with a new friend group a few times recently and there is one girl who I really like. We always have a chat together and get along really well, have a good joke around etc etc. So we were all out sat night together, and in the morning I msgd her on FB (lame I know but I don't have her number and just didn't think to do it on the night as I was hanging with the lads most the night), and the message went as follows: ME: Hey realname/joke name i gave her sat.......share a (silly food she likes and we were joking about) with me Wednesday night. haha, seriously tho....lets do dinner :-) HER: haha (silly food she likes) ftw!!!!! Dinner sounds excellent what is on the books OK, now im guessing if she has only met me with the group 3/4 times and Ive asked her for dinner, she gets thats its a date right?? I'm just not sure because I didn't ask her on a "date" with me. Don't mention it as being a date. Look at this in terms of process and objective. Objective 1: Get her out. Process to do this: Keep things the way they are. Objective 2: hook up with her. Process to do this: build up tension during the date, be flirty, make a move, etc. It doesn't matter whether or not she looks at it as a date...or is even interested in you as more than a friend at this point. We live in the hookup culture. There is no need to go on dates, even if you're looking for a gf. Also, have a "hang out" (not date) that facilitates touching on the date. 1
Author superconfusedman Posted April 16, 2013 Author Posted April 16, 2013 "I never understood all this is it or isn't it a date BS. She's either interested or she's not. Labelling doesn't change anything except for making it awkward if you make a big deal out of it OR do something overt like bring flowers when she wasn't really interested. Even if it's NOT a date a it can become one if you are charming you have chemistry. Just don't assume its a formal date and plan anything over the top..." Well if you know its a date, then you can act accordingly. Also, if I take a girl on a date im paying, if its not a date then the bills split. Im not a tight Ar** but I see that as a fare deal. HoneyBadgerDontCare - I see what your saying, but A) already hit send so its a little late, and b) yeah we live in a hook up culture but if im going to hook up ill do that on a night out. Im going on 'dates' if its just to hook up, i would just see her again when she is next out and then try that. Plus, she is deffo not that type of girl, this will require a lot of effort but so far she seems worth it.
HoneyBadgerDontCare Posted April 16, 2013 Posted April 16, 2013 "I never understood all this is it or isn't it a date BS. She's either interested or she's not. Labelling doesn't change anything except for making it awkward if you make a big deal out of it OR do something overt like bring flowers when she wasn't really interested. Even if it's NOT a date a it can become one if you are charming you have chemistry. Just don't assume its a formal date and plan anything over the top..." Well if you know its a date, then you can act accordingly. Also, if I take a girl on a date im paying, if its not a date then the bills split. Im not a tight Ar** but I see that as a fare deal. HoneyBadgerDontCare - I see what your saying, but A) already hit send so its a little late, and b) yeah we live in a hook up culture but if im going to hook up ill do that on a night out. Im going on 'dates' if its just to hook up, i would just see her again when she is next out and then try that. Plus, she is deffo not that type of girl, this will require a lot of effort but so far she seems worth it. You'd be surprised. It sounds like you may putting her on a pedestal, which isn't a very good thing. Still though, if you bring up the word "date," she might get freaked out. Just keep it casual at first.
mortensorchid Posted April 16, 2013 Posted April 16, 2013 There were times that I did not realize that me and the man were out on a date, I just thought we were two friends getting together for a meal quite honestly. One, if I could boast a little, I played like a fiddle. I figured he had a gf because he was/is absolutely GORGEOUS, I figured we were just going to be friends. Then one day he leaned in and kissed me. I was shocked. It lasted two months, but I told him I thought the previous things that's why we were not on said "dates". Then again I have a gay bf as well, every few months we go out on a dinner & a movie date together and I know we're not dating because he's attracted to the same men I am. Ha ha ha ...
tricolors Posted April 16, 2013 Posted April 16, 2013 We live in the hookup culture. . Speak for yourself (or maybe your generation) on this one. I most certainly don't live in the "hookup culture." Pretty sure quite a lot of other people here don't, either. 1
HoneyBadgerDontCare Posted April 16, 2013 Posted April 16, 2013 Speak for yourself (or maybe your generation) on this one. I most certainly don't live in the "hookup culture." Pretty sure quite a lot of other people here don't, either. I am speaking for myself and my generation. I'm pretty sure that OP is part of it. How are you, tricolors? If you're younger than 40, then you're right here with us.
Author superconfusedman Posted April 16, 2013 Author Posted April 16, 2013 You'd be surprised. It sounds like you may putting her on a pedestal, which isn't a very good thing. Still though, if you bring up the word "date," she might get freaked out. Just keep it casual at first. Hey yeah but as I have already sent her a message with the word date in so I cant undo it haha, oh well I will just have to see what happens. Im not putting her on a pedestal as such, my housemate knows her very well thats all and he says she doesn't put out easy at all.
Author superconfusedman Posted April 16, 2013 Author Posted April 16, 2013 And yeah im 27 so im definitely in it! 1
CryForNoOne Posted April 16, 2013 Posted April 16, 2013 "I never understood all this is it or isn't it a date BS. She's either interested or she's not. Labelling doesn't change anything except for making it awkward if you make a big deal out of it OR do something overt like bring flowers when she wasn't really interested. Even if it's NOT a date a it can become one if you are charming you have chemistry. Just don't assume its a formal date and plan anything over the top..." Well if you know its a date, then you can act accordingly. Also, if I take a girl on a date im paying, if its not a date then the bills split. Im not a tight Ar** but I see that as a fare deal. HoneyBadgerDontCare - I see what your saying, but A) already hit send so its a little late, and b) yeah we live in a hook up culture but if im going to hook up ill do that on a night out. Im going on 'dates' if its just to hook up, i would just see her again when she is next out and then try that. Plus, she is deffo not that type of girl, this will require a lot of effort but so far she seems worth it. Yes but asking weird questions about if it is or isn't a date is a rookie way of giving her an out if she is on the fence. That's what HoneyBadger AND I are saying. Just leave it alone and show up for the date. Anything you say or do beforehand will just f*ck it up... 1
HoneyBadgerDontCare Posted April 16, 2013 Posted April 16, 2013 Yes but asking weird questions about if it is or isn't a date is a rookie way of giving her an out if she is on the fence. That's what HoneyBadger AND I are saying. Just leave it alone and show up for the date. Anything you say or do beforehand will just f*ck it up... Exactly. OP, I've been there before and it seems like CryForNoOne has too. She agreed to hang out with you. Anything you do from now until then can only mess you up. Just be cool.
Author superconfusedman Posted April 16, 2013 Author Posted April 16, 2013 yep, f*cked it. I dont think the way I worded it was rookie, or necessarily the wrong thing to do...but yeah it resulted in: "Sorry man! I have touch tomorrow night! Will have to catch up after exams in 3 weeks haha so sorry to bail!" At least I have my answer, even if it wasn't the one I wanted. I think your right about one thing tho, if they are keen to meet you they just will, if not, they wont....which is basically what happened. 1
HoneyBadgerDontCare Posted April 16, 2013 Posted April 16, 2013 yep, f*cked it. I dont think the way I worded it was rookie, or necessarily the wrong thing to do...but yeah it resulted in: "Sorry man! I have touch tomorrow night! Will have to catch up after exams in 3 weeks haha so sorry to bail!" At least I have my answer, even if it wasn't the one I wanted. I think your right about one thing tho, if they are keen to meet you they just will, if not, they wont....which is basically what happened. So let's reflect on what we've learned here (for the benefit of the lurkers): 1) Less is more. 2) Don't take advice about dating women from women or men that are struggling with women (for anyone that's confused about this comment, see the first few responders on this thread). No worries, OP. Lesson learned for next time. 1
Author superconfusedman Posted April 16, 2013 Author Posted April 16, 2013 I think I can pretty much agree with that. There is no telling if she will be keen to see me in the future (although I dont think so), sometimes they do have legit excuses, and yeah she is Asian and does have a lot of pressure from her folks on her exams atm so doesn't have loads of time on her hands (but still, if was keen she would MAKE time) But it does make me wonder, when she agreed to the meet, if she had plans why agree in the first place. And its not like I wouldnt find out if she didnt have touch footy like mentioned seen as I live with one of her bes friends. Anyway, the mind boggles at all things dating - I was in a relationship for 8 years so I have no idea on how 'courting' works nowadays
HoneyBadgerDontCare Posted April 16, 2013 Posted April 16, 2013 I think I can pretty much agree with that. There is no telling if she will be keen to see me in the future (although I dont think so), sometimes they do have legit excuses, and yeah she is Asian and does have a lot of pressure from her folks on her exams atm so doesn't have loads of time on her hands (but still, if was keen she would MAKE time) But it does make me wonder, when she agreed to the meet, if she had plans why agree in the first place. And its not like I wouldnt find out if she didnt have touch footy like mentioned seen as I live with one of her bes friends. Anyway, the mind boggles at all things dating - I was in a relationship for 8 years so I have no idea on how 'courting' works nowadays Damn, Asian girls are hot (and most are submissive too). I'd keep pursuing if I were you.
Author superconfusedman Posted April 16, 2013 Author Posted April 16, 2013 She is EXTREMELY good looking for an asian too. I mean, maybe one of the hottest asian chicks I have laid my beady eyes on, and ive spent 8 months in asian countries.....and Im not just saying this. Well, I may as well try my luck in 3 weeks but really if a girl cant fit you in for 3 weeks she's more than likely not interested at all. 1
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