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Why did he break up with me? I can't seem to get my mind around it :-(

Starrdust

By Starrdust
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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Starrdust Member

Starrdust

Posted
Posted

Hey,

 

Sorry for this post. I've written many posts on here about my story but the one thing that is stoping me from moving on is two question:

 

why did he break up with me?

 

were did I go wrong or what did I do wrong?

 

My break up story:

 

About a year ago I met a lovely guy on a night out. I didn’t really like him in the beginning but he grew on me and I fell in love with him. He fell in love with me pretty quick too I think. However a red flag that I ignored at the time was that he only broke up with is ex a month before meeting me. He was in that relationship for 3 years and was his first love. Any way oblivious to this red flag, we carried on in a relationship. I had to go away for a bit due to my dad getting ill. This distance caused a strain on the relationship. He would ignore my texts and calls, no longer bother to know how I was and would talk to all these girls on FB. He started to distance himself with me emotionally and this is were I made the biggest mistake. I became needy, I started to text him constantly and I would get no reply so I would carry on texting till I got a reply. He then dumped me at xmas saying “ I cant deal with the distance, im not waiting for you to come back and youll find your mr right”. I was HEARTBROKEN but surprisingly I managed to go NC because I knew that he didn’t treat me that great. He then contacted me this January being all friendly. I went with it and we got back into a relationship. He said he wanted to marry me, I was the one, he wanted me to have his kids etc. We loved each other and felt we understood each other.

 

UNTILL 3 WEEKS AGO. We went on a night out and he was his usual self, all lovey dovey. I got completely drunk and blacked out ( I can assure you guys that this is not my usual behavior and this is the first time ive ever blacked out). Next thing I know is I wake up in my bed naked with my bf at 7am. I woke up panicked with a extreme hangover. I was scared for some reason and I asked him what happened. He said “nothing” but my mind wasn’t in the right frame of mind and I kept asking him via text what happened. On the 2nd day I was satisfied that nothing happened and that I was extremely hungover/ not thinking straight. Everything was fine, he was still all loved up with me or what it seemed liked. Then I noticed over the following days he seemed to have backed off. I asked him whats wrong and he said “im not sure what I want any more after you accused me of taken advantage of you”. I never accused him, I only wanted reassurance about what happened. I know that I shouldn’t asked him repeatedly but I guess the lack of trust showed here. He wanted time to think but this is were the neediness kicked in again. I kept texting and then he came out with it after a week of no reply “ I don’t mind being friends but not a relationship”. I said “ do you want us to work?”.. he said “ yes I do, love you” so we were back on. But he was still distant so I carried on with my “text message terrorism” like an idiot which pushed him away. I got no reply for a week until this Sunday. He wrote in his text “Yes its over, lets be just friends”.. I said “ok” but then sent 3 texts declaring my love but ended saying im happy to be friends. This was all torture, it hurt that I was dumped by the same guy twice without him even seeming like hes lost something special. I feel like his option or back up girl that he runs to when theres no other girl interested in him. I went NC until I caved in and texted him on thursday saying “ how are you?” ..i got breadcrumbs “ im gd and u”, I said “ im good thanks” and his reply was “gd gd “. Knife to my heart that someone who wanted to marry me 3 weeks ago could change and be so cold.

 

I haven't heard from him since- its been 4 days NC

 

 

i would really appreciate your thoughts and perception. Thank you in advance - be as brutally honest as you like :)

anna121 Established Member

anna121

Posted
Posted

I'm sorry. I know this hurts.

 

Based on what you wrote, I think

 

(a) the relationship was always lopsided with you feeling more for him than vice versa

(b) he didn't have strong enough feelings to sustain things when you went away

© you were convenient for him

(d) your constant messaging and neediness made you less convenient

(e) he was offended that you thought he would have sex with you when you were unconscious or near to it (I think that the original question in the sense of asking "what happened?" wasn't out of line but to repeat them becomes close to an accusation and would offend alot of people.)

(f) he got a taste of a long-term relationship with you which is that you apparently can't stand having any space from your boyfriend and need constant affirmation. For lots of people that would be a turn-off.

 

I suggest you work on that part because it will create the same sort of problem with anyone else you date.

 

Sorry - you did ask for it not to be sugar-coated.

 

As for this guy, forget it.

  • Like 1
destroyed4sho Established Member

destroyed4sho

Posted
Posted

i have to agree with the above. He didnt seem like his heary was in the relationship from the start. when something disnt go his way he would resort to breaking it off with you.

i dont blame you for wanting to find out what happened during blackouts. ive had a few blackouts in my life bc i mixed pills with alcohol. i had a need to ask people what happenes bc i was curious and its strange missing time.

  • Like 1
TaserTag Established Member

TaserTag

Posted
Posted

'Why did he break up with me and what did I do wrong' are common questions, and often you didn't do anything wrong. Sometimes we feel more strongly for people than they feel for us, and they realize that over time. Sucks, but it isn't necessarily anyone's fault.

 

A great guy who loves you should ease your fears, be there for you when you're having a hard time (like when you are dealing with a sick parent), and be a comfort to you. Your ex seems like he bails when things get tough or uses little things as an excuse to leave. It's hard, but you should consider yourself lucky that you didn't marry him. He doesn't seem ready to be married and really be there for you.

 

You might be needy and need reassurance when something bad happens (when your dad is sick or when you are sick), and you should work on being able to calm yourself and talk yourself down, but I don't see where you did anything hugely wrong here...

  • Like 1
GG3 Established Member

GG3

Posted
Posted

If the relationship was lopsided then why was he talking about marriage to her?

  • Like 1
TaserTag Established Member

TaserTag

Posted
Posted
If the relationship was lopsided then why was he talking about marriage to her?

 

I would say he clearly wasn't sincere/serious about marriage when all it took for him to dump her was her being scared and sick after a drunken night. Maybe he scared himself by talking about marriage and then took the next convenient way out...

ThatJustHappened Established Member

ThatJustHappened

Posted
Posted
I'm sorry. I know this hurts.

 

Based on what you wrote, I think

 

(a) the relationship was always lopsided with you feeling more for him than vice versa

(b) he didn't have strong enough feelings to sustain things when you went away

© you were convenient for him

(d) your constant messaging and neediness made you less convenient

(e) he was offended that you thought he would have sex with you when you were unconscious or near to it (I think that the original question in the sense of asking "what happened?" wasn't out of line but to repeat them becomes close to an accusation and would offend alot of people.)

(f) he got a taste of a long-term relationship with you which is that you apparently can't stand having any space from your boyfriend and need constant affirmation. For lots of people that would be a turn-off.

 

I suggest you work on that part because it will create the same sort of problem with anyone else you date.

 

Sorry - you did ask for it not to be sugar-coated.

 

As for this guy, forget it.

 

I don't want to 'like' this post since it's not good news for you OP (sorry Anna), but I think it's pretty much spot on.

  • Like 1
GG3 Established Member

GG3

Posted
Posted

Her feelings may not have gotten stronger had he not said those things.

  • Author
Starrdust Member

Starrdust

Posted
  • Author
Posted
I'm sorry. I know this hurts.

 

Based on what you wrote, I think

 

(a) the relationship was always lopsided with you feeling more for him than vice versa

(b) he didn't have strong enough feelings to sustain things when you went away

© you were convenient for him

(d) your constant messaging and neediness made you less convenient

(e) he was offended that you thought he would have sex with you when you were unconscious or near to it (I think that the original question in the sense of asking "what happened?" wasn't out of line but to repeat them becomes close to an accusation and would offend alot of people.)

(f) he got a taste of a long-term relationship with you which is that you apparently can't stand having any space from your boyfriend and need constant affirmation. For lots of people that would be a turn-off.

 

I suggest you work on that part because it will create the same sort of problem with anyone else you date.

 

Sorry - you did ask for it not to be sugar-coated.

 

As for this guy, forget it.

 

 

Thank you I appreciate the advice. I dont want to make the same mistakes again so i appreciate the honesty of your advice. I totally put my hands to being needy at the end of the relationship but I wasnt like that the whole time of our relationship.I got needy in the sheer desperation of the thought of losing him - guess that highlights my own insecurity Guess theres things that i need to work on. I guess sometimes its hard to swallow the truth but it needs to be done. Thank you anna :-).

  • Author
Starrdust Member

Starrdust

Posted
  • Author
Posted
i have to agree with the above. He didnt seem like his heary was in the relationship from the start. when something disnt go his way he would resort to breaking it off with you.

i dont blame you for wanting to find out what happened during blackouts. ive had a few blackouts in my life bc i mixed pills with alcohol. i had a need to ask people what happenes bc i was curious and its strange missing time.

 

Yeah tbh it wasnt me accusing him, i genuinely wanted to know what happened. I guess my trust when flying out the window which resulted in me constantly asking him what happened. When i look at it i think your right. he wasnt that into me. His words were but his actions werent. Thanks for the advice

  • Author
Starrdust Member

Starrdust

Posted
  • Author
Posted
If the relationship was lopsided then why was he talking about marriage to her?

 

Thats what i dont get. He used to be so loved up with me. i never mentioned marriage or anything like that. it was all him. he even wanted to have kids with me. I guess that part of the story confuses me :-s

  • Author
Starrdust Member

Starrdust

Posted
  • Author
Posted
I don't want to 'like' this post since it's not good news for you OP (sorry Anna), but I think it's pretty much spot on.

 

lol its ok to like like it, i agree with anna. i liked it :-p ..all i want is the truth so that i can accept and learn from this break up. truth hurts though

  • Author
Starrdust Member

Starrdust

Posted
  • Author
Posted
Her feelings may not have gotten stronger had he not said those things.

 

Thats actually so true. If he never said all that stuff i dont think i would be that bothered right now.

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