Unknown. Posted April 15, 2013 Posted April 15, 2013 Hi this is my first post here. Sorry if it's a bit long. I have been with my boyfriend for four and a half years now. He's a great person, we get along extremely well, and I find it hard to imagine him not being in my life now. We have lived together for just over two years, I moved from another (nearby) country. I have always had a "take things as they come" attitude towards relationships and I am just happy being boyfriend and girlfriend now. I don't take anything as forever, as it might last or it might not. I'm very independent-minded too. This is nothing personal towards my boyfriend, I am always like this. The problem I am feeling though is that we've been together for over four years, and people are treating us like we are married. His family are lovely, but they have started calling me his "wife" and talking about "when" one day we get married...or "when" we'll have kids (this one is strange as I am openly childfree). Friends have done it too, they go on about how we're such a perfect couple and how we'll be together for ever. It's meant light heartedly but it's scaring me. I'm 24 and I feel like my life is being carved in stone already. I feel I have already made a big commitment by moving over here, away from the country I was born and raised in. Perhaps a part of why this bothers me so much is to do with the fact that I am struggling still to establish my own identity out here. We see *his* family very often, most my friends are really *his* friends first, I only have a part time job as I am still learning the native language here which limits my work options. I feel like I am dissolving into his life and losing my autonomy. This all makes me feel like a bad person. I am very accepted into my boyfriend's family and friends and this is how I react? Also my boyfriend hasn't done anything wrong, he's ok with me not wanting to take things further and says he feels too young for marriage too. I really care about him, I just don't want to be inserted into the role of his future wife. I feel too young and unprepared, I just want us to be boyfriend and girlfriend and see where life takes us. But after four years is that normal? In a world where I have seen women complain about not being engaged after 2-3 years, is there something wrong with me?
Leegh Posted April 15, 2013 Posted April 15, 2013 You sound totally normal, and I think 24 is too young to get married anyway. I have known several people that got married out of obligation and it didn't work out. Both you and your boyfriend sound great, but what you and he have may "fizzle out" at some point and you may develop feelings for a new guy down the road. Try to take a day at a time, and don't rush things. You still have many childbearing years left.
ForeverHopeful1 Posted April 15, 2013 Posted April 15, 2013 I dont think there is a normal. You dont need to KNOW how the rest of your life will pan out at the tender age of 24 years old. You have lots of time to figure that stuff out and as long as you are both on the same page, I dont see a problem with it.
Mr. Lucky Posted April 16, 2013 Posted April 16, 2013 The problem I am feeling though is that we've been together for over four years, and people are treating us like we are married. His family are lovely, but they have started calling me his "wife" and talking about "when" one day we get married...or "when" we'll have kids (this one is strange as I am openly childfree). Friends have done it too, they go on about how we're such a perfect couple and how we'll be together for ever. It's meant light heartedly but it's scaring me. I'm 24 and I feel like my life is being carved in stone already. For someone who's so "very independent-minded too", you sure seem to be affected by what other people say. Why are their opinions so important to you ??? If you and he are happy, that's what counts. I would use humor to deflect the situations you describe. A comeback like "I'm giving him 10 years to see if he can put up with me" would silence the observers... Mr. Lucky
Author Unknown. Posted April 16, 2013 Author Posted April 16, 2013 Thanks for the responses You and your boyfriend sound like you agree that you don't wish to get married at this time. You said, however, "I don't take anything as forever, as it might last or it might not." Is this the same understanding that your boyfriend has, or is his expectation that you will eventually be married? I can understand why you'd ask, but he does know this, I like to be upfront about what I want in a relationship so nobody gets mislead. He knows that I have not "promised myself" to him. We might stay together, we might not. For someone who's so "very independent-minded too", you sure seem to be affected by what other people say. Why are their opinions so important to you ??? If you and he are happy, that's what counts. I would use humor to deflect the situations you describe. A comeback like "I'm giving him 10 years to see if he can put up with me" would silence the observers... Mr. Lucky Perhaps "independent-minded" is the wrong term. I mean to say that I am very autonomous, I *need* to be able to do my own thing and have parts of my life that are separate from my partner. I couldn't stand the thought of being "we" for everything. As of now I feel far too dependent because I lack my own social circle and full time job and it makes me feel uncomfortable. I do use humour to deflect that stuff but internally it bothers me. I feel like our relationship is being branded as something I am not ready for and it's hard when so many people keep on about it. I get scared that his family seem to have such high expectations of me, I really appreciate their kindness but I really feel I am put in the role as his future wife and that scares me.
Els Posted April 16, 2013 Posted April 16, 2013 IMO it's perfectly normal and okay to love someone and yet not be personally ready for marriage, especially at 24. I don't think it necessarily means that you are afraid of 'commitment' - are you not committed to him? I would assume that you're exclusive, you turn down other men who ask you out, you do things to make him happy, you make compromises for your relationship. All of that is commitment. What you are not ready for yet is a lifetime commitment. And that's really okay at 24. Some of my friends have been together for 6, 8, or 10 years (since high school) and have just only married. Just enjoy the bf/gf status and work towards forging a life of your own there. It may not be easy in a new place (trust me, I know all about that!), but you gotta take one step forward and just keep moving til you get there.
Mr. Lucky Posted April 16, 2013 Posted April 16, 2013 I *need* to be able to do my own thing and have parts of my life that are separate from my partner. I couldn't stand the thought of being "we" for everything. There are some (me included) that would say the above describes any healthy relationship, marriage included. I love spending time with my wife and we do many things together but we definitely have our own interests and activities. Where do you get the idea that marriage swallows you whole, like joining a cult? Did the women around you growing up sacrifice their identities getting married? Mr. Lucky
Author Unknown. Posted April 17, 2013 Author Posted April 17, 2013 It's really nice to hear that I 'm not being totally weird There are some (me included) that would say the above describes any healthy relationship, marriage included. I love spending time with my wife and we do many things together but we definitely have our own interests and activities. Where do you get the idea that marriage swallows you whole, like joining a cult? Did the women around you growing up sacrifice their identities getting married? Mr. Lucky Funnily, the women in my family far from sacrificed their identities. I think a lot of how I feel is due to me being in a foreign country and surrounded by his life. I have yet to fully establish "me" in this place. As Elswyth said above, it's a lifetime commitment that I am not ready for. I'm not ready to promise myself to anybody for the rest of my life, and I don't think I will be for a long time. I feel people are treating us like we're a package deal already though. I've noticed a rise in us being invited everywhere as a couple, or worse, one of us being invited on the assumption that we'll show up together (we never go along with this, we only both show up if we were both invited). I love spending time with my boyfriend and we do go out together, but I also want us to be individuals and I feel I am struggling to assert that with other people. Being always treated as a couple by almost everyone around makes me feel like half a person. I really don't like the "wife" jokes or the "when you two get married" comments but I can't really do anything about them. I think I'll feel better when I secure full time work and expand my social circle, as I feel far too dependent on him right now. My boyfriend accepts the way I feel and is actually the most reassuring person in all this. I just wish those around us wouldn't keep this up, as it makes me feel pressured and that there's high expectations of us to be this perfect couple who lasts forever.
Mr. Lucky Posted April 17, 2013 Posted April 17, 2013 I just wish those around us wouldn't keep this up, as it makes me feel pressured and that there's high expectations of us to be this perfect couple who lasts forever. You sound like a tactful and well-spoken person. Have you asked family and friends to lay off the topic for awhile? Mr. Lucky
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